Placeholder Image

字幕表 動画を再生する

  • ASS!

  • He's gonna take you back to the past

  • To play the shitty games that suck ass

  • He'd rather have a buffalo

  • Take a diarrhea dump in his ear

  • He'd rather eat the rotten asshole

  • Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer

  • He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard

  • He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd

  • He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd

  • He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

  • ♫ ♪ ♬

  • Get the power

  • Nintendo Power

  • Get the clues that you can use, Nintendo Power

  • Higher and higher, fighting your way through enemy fire

  • (explosions)

  • It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry,

  • I'm not going mellow on you or anything like that.

  • And next time it's going to be a game review again.

  • But for now, I just want to take you back

  • to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power.

  • You know, today there's Internet.

  • Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up.

  • But back then, your only source of information was magazines,

  • like Nintendo Power.

  • If you had a subscription, you were the man.

  • One of your friends will be breaking their balls to beat some game

  • and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game," or, "I know a code."

  • That's because you had the power!

  • Nintendo Power, motherfucker!

  • When it landed in my mailbox,

  • issue one was the most mind-blowing thing I've ever seen.

  • Just opening up a page to a map of Metroid, it was so helpful.

  • That game made you feel like a rat in a maze.

  • Then there was the Super Mario Brothers unlimited 1-up trick,

  • the famous Contra code that gets you thirty extra lives,

  • and how to skip to Zelda's second quest.

  • All in this groundbreaking issue;

  • from front cover to back, it is absolute classic.

  • One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achiever section.

  • It's just a buncha nerds showing off their high scores.

  • But how do you prove it? You gotta take a photo of your screen.

  • And nobody really knew how to do that.

  • I mean, remember, there were no digital cameras back then,

  • so, you take the picture of your screen,

  • you have no fucking clue what it looks like,

  • and there could be like 20 other pictures on the roll,

  • so you either have to, like, waste them all, or wait 'til it gets finished,

  • you get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed,

  • it comes back and what does it look like? Looks like fucking shit!

  • So, Nintendo Power printed some guidelines basically saying,

  • "Look, dumb shits, this is how you do it."

  • And if my game said "cheese," I think I'd shit my pants.

  • And if I was wearing that, I'd have problems.

  • Nothing brings back memories like breezing through an issue of Nintendo Power.

  • Remember when the Nintendo 64 was the Nintendo Ultra 64?

  • Remember when the piece of shit Virtual Boy was called the VR-32?

  • Remember the NES Satellite, or the SNES Catapult?

  • Remember Star Fox 2, the game that never saw the light of day?

  • Remember reading about the new shows coming out,

  • like Captain N and The Super Mario Bros. Super Show?

  • Remember that shitty movie The Wizard,

  • and that fucking dumb-ass Super Mario Bros. movie?

  • Man, I remember reading about that and being so excited;

  • I couldn't WAIT to see that movie.

  • But it was just like waiting for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face.

  • Another thing powerful about this magazine

  • was the power to know what games were coming out.

  • But only if we could read between the lines we would know how shitty they'd be.

  • This one says, "in-depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to Castlevania."

  • This one says Back to the Future

  • "has that distinctive LJN style and an interesting timer."

  • Wow. They knew it was bad.

  • Another classic section was the Top 30,

  • in which they'd list the most popular Nintendo games.

  • I don't know what Ninja Turtles was doing at number one for so damn long.

  • But anyway, it was only NES for a while,

  • but then they started doing the top SNES and Game Boy games.

  • They even had a Top 5 for Virtual Boy.

  • That's just hilarious,

  • because that's almost the whole library of games for that fucking piece of shit.

  • The covers were always exciting to look forward to.

  • This one gave kids nightmares and parents complained.

  • I thought it was awesome.

  • And I never noticed that face in the background 'til today.

  • This one's cool because it's an owl, and owls are cool.

  • But this one really sucks. Why is it all gray?

  • I mean, what the fuck kinda cover is this?

  • Oh. Well, what the fuck?

  • The illustrations were awesome too.

  • Even if I didn't have the game, it was fun just looking at the pictures.

  • Here's a page on Clash at Demonhead.

  • Just a nice page, everything's fine,

  • but then there's something that bothered me.

  • What's this?! He's flippin' the bird!

  • He's givin' the finger! And I'm not making this up.

  • Well, this one's kinda intimidating. I mean, what's Dracula's problem?

  • (Castlevania II night theme plays)

  • Speaking of illustrations, there were also the comics.

  • Howard and Nester were classic.

  • Usually it would relate to a new game that was coming out;

  • like, this one's about Castlevania II;

  • it even makes mention of that weird tornado thing.

  • There was also a Tetris comic, Battletoads, Zelda, Mario, Star Fox,

  • Metroid, Shadows of the Empire, and Killer Instinct.

  • The ads were kinda weird.

  • This kid better be careful not to get those games wet.

  • Actually, those games suck ass, throw 'em to the sharks.

  • Wow, there you go! Huddle around the phone.

  • Charge your parents' phone bill up the ass.

  • Unmask the power animal in you! Uh-oh, here we go!

  • And radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!

  • Holy shit, will it make me grow claws like that?

  • You know it's gotta be awesome when you're flying a Jeep through space

  • going apeshit with Nintendo controllers.

  • This one's so weird somebody actually wrote a letter asking,

  • "Did you really freeze a Super Nintendo? I'd love to know."

  • The answer, "Ah, Jay, the wonders of special effects and photographic tricks!

  • "The answer that you're looking for is 'No.'

  • The block of ice is actually just a plastic shell. It's way cool though, huh?"

  • As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird,

  • to just being... fucking disgusting.

  • Why the hell is there a picture of a jar of toenail clippings

  • in a video game magazine?

  • What where they thinking?

  • Now here's the worst one yet.

  • It's some old creepy bitch holding a log of shit! God damn!

  • One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking.

  • Then this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great.

  • That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation.

  • Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you got a barf bag!

  • (vomiting noises)

  • Each issue always came with a poster.

  • As you can see, I still have them on my walls,

  • but each one represents frustration.

  • Getting these things out without ripping the fuck out of the poster

  • is just a real shit sucker.

  • Ah, fuck!

  • Ah, shit. Fuck.

  • Eventually they started putting staples in the posters.

  • Fuck!

  • Piece of shit!

  • Besides the posters, there was a lot of stupid shit,

  • like this Donkey Kong iron-on t-shirt.

  • And this weird scratch-and-sniff Earthbound thing.

  • Oh, dat stinks!

  • Then there was also these cards in the back. I mean, what's the point?

  • Star Fox looks fucking pissed.

  • Speaking of Star Fox, there was also this fighter jet paper cutout model.

  • Then there were those Magic Eye pictures.

  • You're supposed to stare at this thing and see Mario or something.

  • I don't see shit.

  • There was also a contest in every issue.

  • Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie,

  • a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger,

  • to win Bill and Ted's phone booth,

  • to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs,

  • or to be an extra in The Mask II.

  • The Mask II?

  • Oh, that's a great prize! That movie never got fucking made,

  • unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn't 'til about ten years later,

  • and did they give the winner a rain check for that?

  • To be in a movie with a computer generated baby,

  • or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

  • Then there's this prize. It's just plain weird.

  • "Have you ever dreamed of yourself in a tropical paradise,

  • surrounded by sea and sand, a volcano rising at your back?"

  • Well, not if it's erupting like in the picture.

  • "It's tropical, dude!" There's the sun. I don't really see the sun.

  • There's fun--oh, that's where the fun is, right there? Surf? OK.

  • Uh, you? You're right there? OK.

  • Sand? Well, that is definitely sand.

  • And trees? Yep, uh, there are trees, all over the place.

  • There was also a contest to design enemies for future Mega Man games.

  • Some of the entries would include Balloon Man, Sun Man, Yo-Yo Man,

  • Spring Man, Magic Man, Clock Man, Whip Man, Spook Man, Clown Man,

  • and the only two female characters were Mega Woman and Mega Girl.

  • Then there's... Weaseletta and Terror Teddy?

  • What the fuck?

  • Nintendo Power was great,

  • but as it went on, they made some dumb decisions.

  • It was really nice when the spines were all numbered,

  • so I can easily organize all the issues, but then... what the fuck?!

  • That's so inconvenient.

  • I mean, some of them didn't even have the number on the front cover.

  • You had to open it to find out.

  • Then they came back to their senses and brought the spines back

  • with a picture of Mario. Way to go above and beyond.

  • So, let's read some letters.

  • Here somebody asks, "Do your Nintendo tapes only last five years?

  • Does it matter if you set them on chairs or if you put the controllers on the floor?"

  • Huh.

  • Here somebody sent in a recipe for Mike Tyson's Punch.

  • Oh, that's funny.

  • Oh, and oh my God, here we go, we got a Zelda rap.

  • (rapping) ♫ It's the Legend of Zelda and it's really bad

  • The creatures in the game are really rad

  • This sounds familiar.

  • All right, now we got some Mario jokes.

  • "Why did Mario cross the road? Because he couldn't find a warp zone."

  • "What kind of fish would dare to attack Mario? A Barakoopa."

  • "How does Mario know what will happen in the future? He uses a Luigi board."

  • Aw, God.

  • All right, now we got some Zelda jokes.

  • "How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used his Hookshot."

  • "What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce."

  • "What did Link say to Ganon when he captured Zelda? Leever alone!"

  • OK, here's a really weird one.

  • "If Mario Paint has 41,664 dots available

  • "(judging from page 112 of the Mario Paint Player's Guide),

  • "and 15 different colors to choose from,

  • "then did you know that there a total of,

  • "1, uh, 97885712197941 (repeats 'oh' quickly)

  • "different possible images to create on a single page?

  • That's a lot, eh? Just thought I'd tell you."

  • "Uh... thanks, Ian. That's certainly some useful information."

  • Now we got some complaints.

  • "The game I purchased that was completely different than I expected

  • "was Rambo for the NES.

  • "I saw him firing a machine gun on the package and it looked really cool.

  • "So I bought it. When I got home I started to play the game.

  • "It was boring. All you do is walk around and fight with a knife.

  • The only enemies I met were spiders, gorillas, bugs, et cetera."

  • Tell me about it. We'll get to that one some time.

  • Ooh, ooh, here we go.

  • "I once bought a game from a friend called Fester's Quest.

  • "I was expecting a great game after reading about it in Nintendo Power.

  • "But even with the magazine at my side,

  • "it took me two and a half hours to make it to the first boss

  • and another two to make it to the second."

  • You wanna know about Fester's Quest? Next time.

  • Oh, here's a good complaint.

  • "So, nice names guys, Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, Pilotwings 64,

  • "Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, and the list goes on. Yeeeeeesh!

  • "I'm not really mad, but I think you guys

  • could at least put some effort into the names of the games."

  • He totally has a good point, but here's the response:

  • "So you're saying you wouldn't be in favor of our plan

  • to rename the magazine Nintendo Power 64?"

  • Wow, what an asshole.

  • "It is quite apparent what an active and important role

  • "marketing plays in the video game industry.

  • "I have to wonder what you are thinking

  • "when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers.

  • "You risk alienating gamers 15 and up.

  • "You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones,