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ASS!
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He's gonna take you back to the past
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To play the shitty games that suck ass
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He'd rather have a buffalo
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Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
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He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
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Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
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He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
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He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
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He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
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He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
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♫ ♪ ♬
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♫ Get the power ♫
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♫ Nintendo Power ♫
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♫ Get the clues that you can use, Nintendo Power ♫
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♫ Higher and higher, fighting your way through enemy fire ♫
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(explosions)
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It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry,
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I'm not going mellow on you or anything like that.
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And next time it's going to be a game review again.
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But for now, I just want to take you back
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to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power.
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You know, today there's Internet.
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Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up.
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But back then, your only source of information was magazines,
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like Nintendo Power.
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If you had a subscription, you were the man.
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One of your friends will be breaking their balls to beat some game
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and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game," or, "I know a code."
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That's because you had the power!
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Nintendo Power, motherfucker!
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When it landed in my mailbox,
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issue one was the most mind-blowing thing I've ever seen.
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Just opening up a page to a map of Metroid, it was so helpful.
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That game made you feel like a rat in a maze.
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Then there was the Super Mario Brothers unlimited 1-up trick,
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the famous Contra code that gets you thirty extra lives,
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and how to skip to Zelda's second quest.
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All in this groundbreaking issue;
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from front cover to back, it is absolute classic.
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One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achiever section.
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It's just a buncha nerds showing off their high scores.
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But how do you prove it? You gotta take a photo of your screen.
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And nobody really knew how to do that.
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I mean, remember, there were no digital cameras back then,
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so, you take the picture of your screen,
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you have no fucking clue what it looks like,
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and there could be like 20 other pictures on the roll,
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so you either have to, like, waste them all, or wait 'til it gets finished,
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you get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed,
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it comes back and what does it look like? Looks like fucking shit!
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So, Nintendo Power printed some guidelines basically saying,
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"Look, dumb shits, this is how you do it."
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And if my game said "cheese," I think I'd shit my pants.
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And if I was wearing that, I'd have problems.
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Nothing brings back memories like breezing through an issue of Nintendo Power.
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Remember when the Nintendo 64 was the Nintendo Ultra 64?
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Remember when the piece of shit Virtual Boy was called the VR-32?
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Remember the NES Satellite, or the SNES Catapult?
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Remember Star Fox 2, the game that never saw the light of day?
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Remember reading about the new shows coming out,
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like Captain N and The Super Mario Bros. Super Show?
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Remember that shitty movie The Wizard,
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and that fucking dumb-ass Super Mario Bros. movie?
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Man, I remember reading about that and being so excited;
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I couldn't WAIT to see that movie.
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But it was just like waiting for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face.
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Another thing powerful about this magazine
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was the power to know what games were coming out.
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But only if we could read between the lines we would know how shitty they'd be.
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This one says, "in-depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to Castlevania."
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This one says Back to the Future
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"has that distinctive LJN style and an interesting timer."
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Wow. They knew it was bad.
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Another classic section was the Top 30,
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in which they'd list the most popular Nintendo games.
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I don't know what Ninja Turtles was doing at number one for so damn long.
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But anyway, it was only NES for a while,
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but then they started doing the top SNES and Game Boy games.
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They even had a Top 5 for Virtual Boy.
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That's just hilarious,
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because that's almost the whole library of games for that fucking piece of shit.
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The covers were always exciting to look forward to.
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This one gave kids nightmares and parents complained.
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I thought it was awesome.
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And I never noticed that face in the background 'til today.
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This one's cool because it's an owl, and owls are cool.
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But this one really sucks. Why is it all gray?
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I mean, what the fuck kinda cover is this?
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Oh. Well, what the fuck?
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The illustrations were awesome too.
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Even if I didn't have the game, it was fun just looking at the pictures.
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Here's a page on Clash at Demonhead.
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Just a nice page, everything's fine,
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but then there's something that bothered me.
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What's this?! He's flippin' the bird!
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He's givin' the finger! And I'm not making this up.
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Well, this one's kinda intimidating. I mean, what's Dracula's problem?
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(Castlevania II night theme plays)
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Speaking of illustrations, there were also the comics.
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Howard and Nester were classic.
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Usually it would relate to a new game that was coming out;
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like, this one's about Castlevania II;
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it even makes mention of that weird tornado thing.
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There was also a Tetris comic, Battletoads, Zelda, Mario, Star Fox,
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Metroid, Shadows of the Empire, and Killer Instinct.
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The ads were kinda weird.
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This kid better be careful not to get those games wet.
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Actually, those games suck ass, throw 'em to the sharks.
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Wow, there you go! Huddle around the phone.
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Charge your parents' phone bill up the ass.
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Unmask the power animal in you! Uh-oh, here we go!
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And radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!
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Holy shit, will it make me grow claws like that?
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You know it's gotta be awesome when you're flying a Jeep through space
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going apeshit with Nintendo controllers.
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This one's so weird somebody actually wrote a letter asking,
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"Did you really freeze a Super Nintendo? I'd love to know."
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The answer, "Ah, Jay, the wonders of special effects and photographic tricks!
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"The answer that you're looking for is 'No.'
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The block of ice is actually just a plastic shell. It's way cool though, huh?"
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As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird,
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to just being... fucking disgusting.
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Why the hell is there a picture of a jar of toenail clippings
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in a video game magazine?
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What where they thinking?
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Now here's the worst one yet.
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It's some old creepy bitch holding a log of shit! God damn!
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One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking.
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Then this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great.
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That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation.
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Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you got a barf bag!
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(vomiting noises)
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Each issue always came with a poster.
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As you can see, I still have them on my walls,
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but each one represents frustration.
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Getting these things out without ripping the fuck out of the poster
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is just a real shit sucker.
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Ah, fuck!
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Ah, shit. Fuck.
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Eventually they started putting staples in the posters.
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Fuck!
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Piece of shit!
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Besides the posters, there was a lot of stupid shit,
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like this Donkey Kong iron-on t-shirt.
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And this weird scratch-and-sniff Earthbound thing.
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Oh, dat stinks!
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Then there was also these cards in the back. I mean, what's the point?
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Star Fox looks fucking pissed.
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Speaking of Star Fox, there was also this fighter jet paper cutout model.
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Then there were those Magic Eye pictures.
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You're supposed to stare at this thing and see Mario or something.
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I don't see shit.
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There was also a contest in every issue.
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Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie,
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a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger,
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to win Bill and Ted's phone booth,
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to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs,
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or to be an extra in The Mask II.
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The Mask II?
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Oh, that's a great prize! That movie never got fucking made,
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unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn't 'til about ten years later,
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and did they give the winner a rain check for that?
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To be in a movie with a computer generated baby,
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or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?
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Then there's this prize. It's just plain weird.
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"Have you ever dreamed of yourself in a tropical paradise,
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surrounded by sea and sand, a volcano rising at your back?"
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Well, not if it's erupting like in the picture.
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"It's tropical, dude!" There's the sun. I don't really see the sun.
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There's fun--oh, that's where the fun is, right there? Surf? OK.
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Uh, you? You're right there? OK.
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Sand? Well, that is definitely sand.
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And trees? Yep, uh, there are trees, all over the place.
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There was also a contest to design enemies for future Mega Man games.
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Some of the entries would include Balloon Man, Sun Man, Yo-Yo Man,
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Spring Man, Magic Man, Clock Man, Whip Man, Spook Man, Clown Man,
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and the only two female characters were Mega Woman and Mega Girl.
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Then there's... Weaseletta and Terror Teddy?
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What the fuck?
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Nintendo Power was great,
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but as it went on, they made some dumb decisions.
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It was really nice when the spines were all numbered,
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so I can easily organize all the issues, but then... what the fuck?!
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That's so inconvenient.
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I mean, some of them didn't even have the number on the front cover.
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You had to open it to find out.
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Then they came back to their senses and brought the spines back
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with a picture of Mario. Way to go above and beyond.
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So, let's read some letters.
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Here somebody asks, "Do your Nintendo tapes only last five years?
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Does it matter if you set them on chairs or if you put the controllers on the floor?"
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Huh.
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Here somebody sent in a recipe for Mike Tyson's Punch.
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Oh, that's funny.
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Oh, and oh my God, here we go, we got a Zelda rap.
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(rapping) ♫ It's the Legend of Zelda and it's really bad ♫
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♫ The creatures in the game are really rad ♫
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This sounds familiar.
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All right, now we got some Mario jokes.
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"Why did Mario cross the road? Because he couldn't find a warp zone."
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"What kind of fish would dare to attack Mario? A Barakoopa."
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"How does Mario know what will happen in the future? He uses a Luigi board."
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Aw, God.
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All right, now we got some Zelda jokes.
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"How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used his Hookshot."
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"What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce."
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"What did Link say to Ganon when he captured Zelda? Leever alone!"
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OK, here's a really weird one.
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"If Mario Paint has 41,664 dots available
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"(judging from page 112 of the Mario Paint Player's Guide),
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"and 15 different colors to choose from,
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"then did you know that there a total of,
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"1, uh, 97885712197941 (repeats 'oh' quickly)
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"different possible images to create on a single page?
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That's a lot, eh? Just thought I'd tell you."
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"Uh... thanks, Ian. That's certainly some useful information."
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Now we got some complaints.
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"The game I purchased that was completely different than I expected
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"was Rambo for the NES.
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"I saw him firing a machine gun on the package and it looked really cool.
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"So I bought it. When I got home I started to play the game.
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"It was boring. All you do is walk around and fight with a knife.
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The only enemies I met were spiders, gorillas, bugs, et cetera."
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Tell me about it. We'll get to that one some time.
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Ooh, ooh, here we go.
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"I once bought a game from a friend called Fester's Quest.
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"I was expecting a great game after reading about it in Nintendo Power.
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"But even with the magazine at my side,
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"it took me two and a half hours to make it to the first boss
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and another two to make it to the second."
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You wanna know about Fester's Quest? Next time.
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Oh, here's a good complaint.
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"So, nice names guys, Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, Pilotwings 64,
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"Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, and the list goes on. Yeeeeeesh!
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"I'm not really mad, but I think you guys
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could at least put some effort into the names of the games."
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He totally has a good point, but here's the response:
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"So you're saying you wouldn't be in favor of our plan
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to rename the magazine Nintendo Power 64?"
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Wow, what an asshole.
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"It is quite apparent what an active and important role
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"marketing plays in the video game industry.
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"I have to wonder what you are thinking
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"when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers.
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"You risk alienating gamers 15 and up.
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"You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones,