Name: 回避症回復者のためのガイド (A Guide For the Recovering Avoidant)
Uploaded: 2024-08-26T11:26:23.000Z
Duration: 5 min 30 s

再帰代名詞

Avoidant is the term usefully coined by attachment theorists to define those of us who, through no fault of our own, but with full responsibility for our condition, have grave difficulties around intimate relationships. We may want, in principle, to be close to people, but in reality we tend to find ourselves feeling claustrophobic and sickened whenever we grow overly involved with anyone. We long to sleep somewhere on our own after lovemaking. We want to make independent plans for the weekend. We rather ungratefully cool whenever a partner becomes too affectionate towards us. Or, if a relationship threatens to work, our thoughts turn as though by some automatic process to the charms of other people. Researchers tell us where this comes from. Somewhere long in our pasts, our relationships with our caregivers didn't go as they should have done. Someone let us down. Someone implicitly taught us that love was not to be trusted. Someone injected us with a dual suspicion of ourselves and of the solidity of any bond with another. And so, we learnt to associate distance and solitude with safety. We may be high-functioning in many parts of life. When it comes to love, we may, until now, simply never have been able to get things to work. It sounds dispiriting and even rather dangerous to be around. But we can find hope in an important detail – that there is a substantial difference between acting avoidantly from unconscious motives on the one hand and, on the other, feeling drawn to avoidant responses while being actively and pre-emptively aware of what is actually going on. There is a difference, in other words, between acting out and insight. The latter doesn't miraculously remove the problem, but it gives us an enormous advantage, the capacity to warn others that we care about and might well, in a rational part of our minds, be sincerely trying to build a relationship with that we are not fully well. Arguably, in love, we don't need, or in any case unlikely to find, perfection. What we need are people with a more or less solid grasp on some of their leading imperfections who can then warn us of them with charm, grace and apology before too much damage has been done. There is a sizeable difference between ruining a weekend for someone by mysteriously deciding at the last moment that one has made other plans and explaining to the partner on a Thursday evening that the prospect of forty-eight hours in their company, though fully welcome in theory, in practice has generated an awkward set of emotional responses that lie outside one's full control and for which one feels embarrassed and thoughtful. There is a sizeable difference between acting madly and sharing the temptation to do so ahead of time. For the recovering avoidant, the following speech might be helpful. I'm so sorry for being peculiar. I care about you a lot. It's just I've observed that when I do care, something a bit odd happens. A part of me tries to manage the distance and find fault. A part of me that dates back to a defence mechanism of childhood needs to put some walls between us because proximity feels at some level odd and frightening. It's how I learnt to cope way back and the mechanism still operates within me now. It's not that I don't love you, it's that being around love and depending on someone brings with it terrors on account of dynamics in my past that I'm working on.

回避型とは、愛着理論家によって作られた便利な造語で、自分のせいではないが、自分の状態に全責任があるために、親密な人間関係に重大な困難を抱えている私たちを定義している。私たちは、基本的には人と親しくなりたいと思っているかもしれないが、実際には、誰かと過度に関わるたびに閉所恐怖症になり、気分が悪くなる傾向がある。愛し合った後は、一人でどこかで眠りたい。週末には独立した計画を立てたい。パートナーに愛情を注がれすぎると、むしろ不機嫌になる。あるいは、交際がうまくいきそうになると、まるで自動的なプロセスのように、他

I'm trying to switch off the alarm. I'm a little crazy, but I have a good therapist.

アラームを止めようとしているんだ。私は少しクレイジーだけど、良いセラピストがいる。

程度の副詞

 I'm committed to the work. Please bear with me, but I would understand entirely if you couldn't. None of this is perfect. One wouldn't necessarily wish this kind of relationship on anyone one cared about. But in the real world, which is where many of us have to live, we cannot magic away the condition. The 25% or so of the population with avoidant traits have options. They can have all the neuroses that their condition lends them. They can feel eerie whenever someone is too close to them. They can want to get away after too much time together. They can hate cuddling, but they can put in the effort to acquire one advantage. They can know they are damaged. They can give a map of their follies to those who depend on them. Furthermore, once they have laid hands on the maturity to be able to say, I find love so hard and so frightening, it might even become a little less so. And on the other side of the equation, once one has been thoroughly warned, one may just find the sad behaviour easier to bear, or at least easier to understand and, where necessary, to get cleanly out of the way of. We don't just have the option of being avoidant or not. The madness can be invited into the relationship and addressed without shame or mystery. We can aspire to a valuable third position as we work on improving ourselves – that of the recovering avoidant, the avoidant under no illusions as to their sanity and daily committed to learning to slowly bear the ecstasy and sublime risks of mutual love.

私はこの仕事に全力を注いでいる。どうか我慢してほしい。どれも完璧ではない。大切な人にこのような関係を望むとは限らない。しかし、私たちの多くが生きなければならない現実の世界では、この状態を魔法で消し去ることはできない。回避傾向のある25％ほどの人々には選択肢がある。その症状がもたらすあらゆる神経症を抱えることができる。誰かが自分に近づきすぎるたびに不気味に感じることもできる。一緒にいる時間が長すぎると離れたくなる。抱擁を嫌うこともできるが、一つの利点を得るために努力することもできる。彼らは自分が傷ついている

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回避症回復者のためのガイド (A Guide For the Recovering Avoidant)

effort

improve

intimate

associate