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  • Sometimes we may end up in a couple where  we spend a lot of time complaining - to  

  • concerned friends and family - that  the other person is evidently and  

  • committedlyafraid of intimacy.’ They  don’t often talk of their emotions;  

  • they may find it hard to be physically  cosy; they don’t cry so often.

  • Whereas we on the other hand - as all our  acquaintances know - are the emotionally fluent  

  • ones. We long to be close to someone, we long to  discuss our feelings openly and without restraint,  

  • we are healthy and ready for love. It’s  simply such a pity - and so profoundly  

  • unfortunate - that we have ended up with  such an unyielding and resistant partner.

  • But however genuine our cries for intimacy  can sound, there is one incontrovertible fact  

  • in the way of their full credibilitythat we actually chose our partner,  

  • and we did so not under duress, not because of  some religious edict or familial injunction,  

  • but with our eyes fully open, in the light of  day, with plenty of alternative options before us.

  • This should at least complicate  the story we are telling ourselves  

  • and our concerned and encouraging  audience. There is arguably a limit  

  • to how interested in intimacy anyone  can be who skilfully picks out the  

  • kind of partner who just happens to have  precious little interest in the matter.

  • Furthermore, examination of our day to  day behaviour may reveal us to be too  

  • often acting in exactly the sort of  irritable, belittling or persecutory  

  • ways that guarantee that we will never attain  our stated aims of trust and connection. We  

  • cannot fairly claim to be on the one hand  desperate for intimacy, and on the other,  

  • regularly call our partner incompetent  or frigid, a blockhead or a brick for  

  • not being so. We must at least in part know  that we won’t be successful in securing the  

  • tenderness we say we so badly want - so long as  we continue to ask for it in humiliating ways.

  • A mature approach to the gridlock means  taking on board a possibility that we may  

  • until now have been shielding ourselves from  with devilish care: that we might both - in  

  • fact - be scared of intimacy and rather happy at  its absence, that we might both - in truth - be  

  • fleeing from the terrors and joys of mutual  surrender. Not because we are evil or demented,  

  • but because intimacy is exceptionally  daunting to those whose early experiences  

  • and childhood stories have predisposed  them towards guardedness and suspicion.

  • A sincere path to intimacy begins  with a graceful acknowledgement of  

  • the temptation to blame others for  what we cannot bear in ourselves,  

  • and the acceptance that we may have far  more in common with our partner than we  

  • have until now been able to concede. Whatever the  surface differences, we are - in essence - just  

  • as scared and ambivalent as they are, a  joint realisation with the power, finally,  

  • to bring about the compassion and tenderness  we have both been in flight from for so long.

Sometimes we may end up in a couple where  we spend a lot of time complaining - to  

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How to Tell If You're Afraid of Intimacy(How to Tell If You're Afraid of Intimacy)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2024 年 05 月 16 日
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