us to try to lay out what some of the ingredients  are so that we have an idea what we might aim for:

If we were to grow into emotionally  mature people, this is some of what  

we would have learnt how to be: - We would understand the key role  

of self-understanding in helping us to grow  into more reliable and predictable partners,  

parents, friends and colleagues. Our  greatest ambition would be to reach  

a heightened understanding of our own minds. - We would constantly be aware of not being able  

to complete more than a fraction of this elevated  goal and would hence be deeply cautious in all  

our assertions and conclusions. ‘Sorry’, ‘perhaps’  and ‘maybe’ would be some of our favourite words. 

- We would recognise what unfaithful allies  our conscious minds are for the project of  

self-discovery; how much of us wants to know  ourselves and how very much more doesn’t want to  

in the least. We would be humbled by the strength  of our inclinations to distraction and denial. 

- We would properly realise that we were going  to die and would put this terrifying thought to  

use on a daily basis to nudge us towards greater  appreciation, authenticity and focus. It would  

help us to say, at points, and at last, ‘no.’ - We would realise, with considerable dark humour,  

that we were fools. We are idiots now, we were  idiots then and we will be idiots tomorrow.  

There are few other options for a human being. - We would shed our pride; we would realise  

how much we constantly misunderstand  - and never more so than when we begin  

to have faith in our competence and sanity. - We would acknowledge the influence of the body  

on the mind. We may sink into existential despair  not because there is anything objectively tragic  

at hand, but because we are in urgent need of an  orange juice or missed out on an hour of sleep. 

- We would respect the art of diplomacy  and the importance of politeness;  

we would acknowledge the surprising thought that  other people may be just as easily hurt as we are. 

- We would learn, painfully, to use language  to give those around us an indication of what  

is at play within us. We wouldn't hold it  against them that they didn't understand  

things we had never bothered to teach them. - We would realise how much others long for  

warmth and reassurance and would be less inhibited  about offering those two very serious categories  

of gifts: cosiness and sweetness. - We would acknowledge that it was  

impossible to be friends with, or liked by,  everyone. Attempting to please universally  

ultimately only leads to offending many;  we would know how to disappoint frankly  

and quickly to avoid drawn-out appeasement. - We would feel more carefree at the idea of being  

strange. Public opinion would matter less, because  we would have seen enough of the shallowness and  

reflex moralism of crowds. This would be our one  life, we would know; and we would have the courage  

to be oddballs where we needed to be. - We would take our own boredom as a  

guide. Everyone else might declare it a brilliant  

book or an extraordinary play. We  might toss it aside or walk out.

This is some of what we might think and  feel if we ever became those paragons  

of true intelligence: emotionally mature people.