an essay video by someone who has never read a book

Well, a Warrior Cats book anyway.

There are... four? clans of cats

SkyClan, who I think live on a hill, putting them slightly closer to the sky?

RiverClan, who live next to a puddle with a small stream.

ThunderClan, who lived next to a road for cars, because they can't read and thought it said "cats"

ShadowClan, which may actually live in the shadows

Also, there's StarClan, which is cat heaven and the dark forest which is cat hell

All of the clans are led by "Thing"stars, because star is a magical sacred word

and becoming leader allows you to have the word star in your name.

Otherwise, your name is Thingthing or something like

Ivytail, or Leafpool, or Jayfeather, or Green Lantern

Some cats aren't living in these clans and those cats are the sensible ones called Kittypets.

They're cats, that are pets.

They're sensible because they get food and vet trips

and don't have to put up with being visited by the cats in StarClan telling them to do something stupid

All cats born in the clans start their lives as "Thing"kit

and if they survive long enough, and are also remembered by the writers, they become a warrior intern

or are relegated to being a medical student

and they lose the "kit" and become "Thing"paw

And once they finish their internships, they have a coming-of-age ceremony and they gain their second "thing", given to them by the clan's Thingstar

Medicine cats live in a damp hole where they grow weeds and moss

and they use them to heal the Warriors, 'cause they constantly get into fights with each other, other clans, badgers, dogs

and sometimes just the general environment

More often than they are supposed to, they have cross clan affairs between cats

like Romeo and Juliet

Also, they all die all the time, also like Romeo and Juliet

Because of how often cats die, clans want to abduct kits from other clans

and sometimes they go to the twoleg villages and recruit normal cats.

They just roll up and be like "Hey, buddy"

"Are you fed up of being constantly fed?"

"Having somewhere comfortable to sleep and not having to worry about being murdered in your sleep by a jealous ex-lover or their family?"

And for some reason they go, "Yeah, I am actually!" and then they join a clan

Which, now that I think about it, it's like joining a clan in an MMO

because you're bored of not constantly being ganked in PVP

and think that your nice player housing is a bit dull

despite having put like a hundred and fifty hours into getting it so nice

And then you get there and the clan housing is awful because no-one can actually get the resources together to make it good

Because they're all busy doing PVP and dying

One of these cats that they're able to convince is a ginger tom called

Something or other

and they tell him that he's also the chosen one

So they call him Firepaw....maybe.

and he's destined to lead...

...ThunderClan??

And he eventually becomes Firestar, and that's why I don't know what his kittypet name is or what his warrior name was

But someone who I do know the kittypet name of is Purdy!

He's an old old old man, who for some reason has an incredibly thick Yorkshire accent,

and he constantly tells stories about what life was like back in the day,

except none of it's true.

But he's a pretty cool dude aside from that he's a grumpy, cynical

and barely has any time for the idiot children who keep pestering him.

I wonder why I ended up voicing him

When you become a "Thing"star you go to the Moonpool

Which is a magical pool that you dunk your face in until you are visited by StarClan

and they go "Hey yeah, you're a leader, cool."

and then they give that cat extra lives like it's a Mario game

This works, not because the pool is magical, but because StarClan is the afterlife

and you're basically drowning yourself to the point of near death.

Also, just because you're in heaven clan and you get to visit people in their dreams and stuff and tell them what to do

and give them prophecies of the future

doesn't mean that you're competent, helpful, or right about any of it

Like, the living cats just have to do what they say

Because they're in heaven.

As well as the Moonpool,

there is a gathering space where they have planned meetings between all of the clans.

And basically, what just happens is the leaders go

"Absolutely fine, and there's no famine. Everything's perfect."

Which is always a lie.

There's also Sunningrocks,

which is some rocks that get a good amount of sunlight.

And because cats like to sit in the sun, this is the most heavily contested place ever

Currently it belongs to whichever Warrior Cats YouTuber memed about it last.

Which means I think it belongs to Dovewing's green eyes.

There is a small cat called Scourge

Who managed to accidentally knock a tooth out of a dog's mouth

and he haves this in his collar, and he pretends that he killed the dog

and I'm pretty sure he just named himself Scourge to make himself sound cool.

Uh, what else?

Time for a very short list, of equally short unrelated facts.

There is a cat called Jayfeather. He has a stick.

There is this one badger that's cool.

There's a clan boss called Bramblestar, and they are voiced by my friend

and that is literally the only thing I know about them.

Tigerstar is evil, and no one likes anyone with "tiger" in their name as a result.

I think Tigerstar died and went to the dark forest,

but for some reason, because that's kind of just like next door in the actual forest,

right next to where all the clans live,

they can just like, leave sometimes and just like attack people.

Also, my government assigned cat name is "Sneezeslate"

Which I know is Sneeze Slate,

but the way it's written, I refuse to read it as anything other than "Sneezes Late".