I don't know if you remember that or not.

It was quite popular.

Do we have anybody tonight under the age of 30? Any 20-somethings?

That's still the dumbest group of humans I've ever met in my life.

You're not dumb academically, I'll get to that.

But you are soft emotionally, I can tell you that.

The reason I say that, when I was growing up, our parents let us play in the street, climb trees, and blow stuff up.

And you know what happened if you got hurt or maimed?

You got a new name.

I had two friends I grew up with, Aimer and Niner.

When Amir was six, he was in the garage with his big brothers blowing stuff up.

He lost his right eye.

It was closed the rest of his life.

He looked like he was aiming a gun.

That's how he got the name Aimer.

He was the aimer.

Everybody called him Aimer.

I did not know his name was not Aimer.

So the first day of third grade, the teacher said, "Ross Thomas."

We all went, "Ross Thomas, who?"

"Aimer, is your name Ross?"

We started laughing.

That sounded funnier to us than Aimer did.

And Aimer says to the teacher, "No, my name's Aimer. My mom is the only one that calls me Ross."

And she goes, "Well, Aimer, how did you get that name?"

He goes.

Can you imagine now a kid even pretend to point a gun at a teacher.

There'd be a lockdown.

There'd be a helicopter above the school.

My friend Niner in the fourth grade.

There were four of us who were all out in the woods together.

We're all climbing trees.

We're all up about 15 feet and he fell.

And on the way down, he was trying to grab branches.

And by the time he hit the ground, he'd lost most of his ring finger.

Every time I tell this story, I still picture it.

It's 55 years ago and still makes me laugh.

Because he got up and he's dusting himself off.

He's going, "I'm bleeding somewhere. I'm bleeding."

"I'm cut. I'm cut. I don't know where-"

And my other friend says, "Look at your hand."

He screamed and he ran home.

We all climbed down and followed him but none of us thought to look for his finger.

About four days later, he's back in class.

His hand's all heavily bandaged up.

We're learning about decimal points for the first time in our life.

He raises his hand and he says, "I have 9.2 fingers."

Called him Niner for the rest of his life.

When I was a kid, everybody had a nickname.

Every single kid-- nobody went by their real name.

And it was given to you by your friends, usually about a body part that was not flattering.

I have friends who are Ponch, Taterhead, Lips, Chin.

Lips had big old Pete Davidson lips.

Chin didn't have one.

We originally called him Viola because we knew he'd never play one.

I had another friend in high school.

He had a short right arm.

It was just-- it was fully functional, but it was just-- it was a short kind of short arm on this side, right?

So he had a big hand and little hand, we called him Clock.

Everybody called him Clock.

The teachers called him Clock.

He was Clock.

Clock was awesome, too.

He was in my second period algebra class and we were supposed to be in our seats every day at 9 o'clock when the bell rang.

But Clock would always wait out in the hall until that bell rang and he'd burst through the door every morning like this.

It was never not funny.

Every single day we waited for that moment and laughed for 10 minutes.

One day, we're sitting in class, the bell rings, and he doesn't come through the door.

We're like, "Oh, well, that's weird. Where's Clock? Must be absent."

Well, he was tardy.

10 minutes later, he burst through that door.

We laughed until 9:30.

And Clock was the best student in class.

And he was by far the best student in class.

And every Friday, we had to race him on problems.

The teacher would put problems up on the board.

We had to compete against him. We called it beat the Clock.

Nobody could beat him.

He had that left hand going like this and the eraser in his shorthand.

One time in PE class, this is after class, we're in the locker room changing, right?

And we had two new kids in class and they were bullies, and they were bullying Clock.

And so Clock's in there and he goes, "I'm going to knock you out with this hand."

And then he goes, boo.

And knocks-- just spins this kid knocks him out.

Just boom, hits the ground.

And then he turns to the other one and goes, "or this one."

And we hit that kid.

We all hooted and hollered and the teacher came running out of his office.

"What's going on? What's going on?"

We said, "Well, these guys were bullying Clock and he knocked one of them out."

And by then, this kid's kind of getting up and the teacher just walks over and goes, "You just got knocked out by a kid with a half arm."

"Hope you learned to keep your mouth shut."

And that was the end of it.

Nobody got sent to the office, nobody got suspended, nobody's parents got called.

Nowadays, Clock would have been the one that got suspended for throwing that first punch.

And then you'd had to bring your parents and get an anger management plan.

Well, I got angry and I punched that kid, that's the plan.

Can you imagine now calling kids by their afflictions?

Hey, here's my buddies, Blinky and Snort.

Here's my other friend, Orphan. His parents were anti-vaxxers.

Not accurate?