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  • If you saw my last special, I make fun of millennials.

  • I don't know if you remember that or not.

  • It was quite popular.

  • Do we have anybody tonight under the age of 30? Any 20-somethings?

  • That's still the dumbest group of humans I've ever met in my life.

  • You're not dumb academically, I'll get to that.

  • But you are soft emotionally, I can tell you that.

  • The reason I say that, when I was growing up, our parents let us play in the street, climb trees, and blow stuff up.

  • And you know what happened if you got hurt or maimed?

  • You got a new name.

  • I had two friends I grew up with, Aimer and Niner.

  • When Amir was six, he was in the garage with his big brothers blowing stuff up.

  • He lost his right eye.

  • It was closed the rest of his life.

  • He looked like he was aiming a gun.

  • That's how he got the name Aimer.

  • He was the aimer.

  • Everybody called him Aimer.

  • I did not know his name was not Aimer.

  • So the first day of third grade, the teacher said, "Ross Thomas."

  • We all went, "Ross Thomas, who?"

  • "Aimer, is your name Ross?"

  • We started laughing.

  • That sounded funnier to us than Aimer did.

  • And Aimer says to the teacher, "No, my name's Aimer. My mom is the only one that calls me Ross."

  • And she goes, "Well, Aimer, how did you get that name?"

  • He goes.

  • Can you imagine now a kid even pretend to point a gun at a teacher.

  • There'd be a lockdown.

  • There'd be a helicopter above the school.

  • My friend Niner in the fourth grade.

  • There were four of us who were all out in the woods together.

  • We're all climbing trees.

  • We're all up about 15 feet and he fell.

  • And on the way down, he was trying to grab branches.

  • And by the time he hit the ground, he'd lost most of his ring finger.

  • Every time I tell this story, I still picture it.

  • It's 55 years ago and still makes me laugh.

  • Because he got up and he's dusting himself off.

  • He's going, "I'm bleeding somewhere. I'm bleeding."

  • "I'm cut. I'm cut. I don't know where-"

  • And my other friend says, "Look at your hand."

  • He screamed and he ran home.

  • We all climbed down and followed him but none of us thought to look for his finger.

  • About four days later, he's back in class.

  • His hand's all heavily bandaged up.

  • We're learning about decimal points for the first time in our life.

  • He raises his hand and he says, "I have 9.2 fingers."

  • Called him Niner for the rest of his life.

  • When I was a kid, everybody had a nickname.

  • Every single kid-- nobody went by their real name.

  • And it was given to you by your friends, usually about a body part that was not flattering.

  • I have friends who are Ponch, Taterhead, Lips, Chin.

  • Lips had big old Pete Davidson lips.

  • Chin didn't have one.

  • We originally called him Viola because we knew he'd never play one.

  • I had another friend in high school.

  • He had a short right arm.

  • It was just-- it was fully functional, but it was just-- it was a short kind of short arm on this side, right?

  • So he had a big hand and little hand, we called him Clock.

  • Everybody called him Clock.

  • The teachers called him Clock.

  • He was Clock.

  • Clock was awesome, too.

  • He was in my second period algebra class and we were supposed to be in our seats every day at 9 o'clock when the bell rang.

  • But Clock would always wait out in the hall until that bell rang and he'd burst through the door every morning like this.

  • It was never not funny.

  • Every single day we waited for that moment and laughed for 10 minutes.

  • One day, we're sitting in class, the bell rings, and he doesn't come through the door.

  • We're like, "Oh, well, that's weird. Where's Clock? Must be absent."

  • Well, he was tardy.

  • 10 minutes later, he burst through that door.

  • We laughed until 9:30.

  • And Clock was the best student in class.

  • And he was by far the best student in class.

  • And every Friday, we had to race him on problems.

  • The teacher would put problems up on the board.

  • We had to compete against him. We called it beat the Clock.

  • Nobody could beat him.

  • He had that left hand going like this and the eraser in his shorthand.

  • One time in PE class, this is after class, we're in the locker room changing, right?

  • And we had two new kids in class and they were bullies, and they were bullying Clock.

  • And so Clock's in there and he goes, "I'm going to knock you out with this hand."

  • And then he goes, boo.

  • And knocks-- just spins this kid knocks him out.

  • Just boom, hits the ground.

  • And then he turns to the other one and goes, "or this one."

  • And we hit that kid.

  • We all hooted and hollered and the teacher came running out of his office.

  • "What's going on? What's going on?"

  • We said, "Well, these guys were bullying Clock and he knocked one of them out."

  • And by then, this kid's kind of getting up and the teacher just walks over and goes, "You just got knocked out by a kid with a half arm."

  • "Hope you learned to keep your mouth shut."

  • And that was the end of it.

  • Nobody got sent to the office, nobody got suspended, nobody's parents got called.

  • Nowadays, Clock would have been the one that got suspended for throwing that first punch.

  • And then you'd had to bring your parents and get an anger management plan.

  • Well, I got angry and I punched that kid, that's the plan.

  • Can you imagine now calling kids by their afflictions?

  • Hey, here's my buddies, Blinky and Snort.

  • Here's my other friend, Orphan. His parents were anti-vaxxers.

  • Not accurate?

If you saw my last special, I make fun of millennials.

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Millennials Are Still The Stupidest Generation. Brad Upton

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    林宜悉 に公開 2023 年 09 月 11 日
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