You see, in this country a person is assumed to be white

unless otherwise specified.

(audience laughs)

That's why I like chocolate.

Because when you first think of chocolate,

you think of something brown.

(audience laughs)

And if you think of white chocolate first,

well, then you're a racist.

(audience laughs)

My favorite band growing up was Weezer.

(audience cheers)

I love that band, I love that band,

despite two, three, four crappy records in a row.

I forgave that band, because they were my childhood.

I went to a Weezer concert a couple of years ago,

excited to hear the old hits.

I get there, the usher comes up to me and he says,

"Sir, the parents section's upstairs."

(audience laughs)

Parents section?

Nah. (audience laughs)

(audience claps)

I came to rock. (audience laughs)

You take me to the pit.

Now, a mosh pit at a Weezer concert

is different than other mosh pits, right?

A mosh pit at a Weezer concert is basically

nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

(audience laughs)

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin "Only In Dreams" for you.

(audience laughs)

Yes, I lost my virginity to that song as well.

(audience laughs)

Which is a lie, they're both virgins.

(audience laughs)

So I go down to the pit, I go down to the pit.

I'm excited to be there.

And when I get there, I realize everyone's staring at me.

Why?

'Cause they're all 14 years old.

(audience laughs)

Somehow Weezer's demographic has not changed in 15 years.

They're still 14 to 17 year olds.

They're all staring at me as if I'm the creepy old dude.

(audience laughs)

The creepy old dude at a Weezer concert at 27.

Felt terrible, and then I started thinking about it.

You know what?

I'm not the creepy old dude in this situation.

Weezer are the creepy old dudes in this situation.

(audience laughs) (audience claps)

They're 40 year old men who are making music

that somehow teenagers can relate to.

Isn't that a bit strange?

(audience laughs)

"Life is hard.

"Girls don't like me.

"High school's weird."

Of course, it's weird, you're 40.

(audience laughs) (audience claps)

What are you talking about?

Don't you hate when you have an amazing show

and you can't wait to hang out with that 16 year old girl

you're in love with,

and she's all like, "Aren't you my dad's friend?"

And that's Weezer.

(audience laughs)

Let's be honest, audience,

the end of that joke, it was disappointing.

You laugh 'cause you were told to, but like it's not a...

(audience laughs)

The end of that joke wasn't particularly good.

I realize that.

Like, you know, it started out kinda funny,

had a couple of nice big punch lines

in the beginning of the joke,

and then it plateaued for a while.

Really building off the momentum

from the early part of the joke.

And then the end like was really disappointing.

And you may wonder why I did that.

I'll tell you why.

I wanted to write a joke

that echoed the trajectory of Weezer's career.

(audience laughs)

I was on a plane recently.

I was reading the in-flight magazine.

The in-flight magazine for that particular trip

was an environmental issue.

Yeah, I was reading about the environment

while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.

(audience laughs)

So I'm clearly cynical, but I'm bored.

So I'm reading the first article.

The first article's called "Top 10 Endangered Places."

Here's the first sentence, "Climate change and tourism

"are threatening to destroy these natural wonders."

Okay, I'm kinda surprised here.

Clearly tourism is in the best interest

of the airline industry.

Way to go, man, some responsibility, airline.

But then I read rest of the sentence.

"Climate change and tourism are threatening

"to destroy these natural wonders.

"So you might want to plan a trip now

"before these sites are gone for good."

(audience laughs)

We're screwed. (audience laughs)

We're screwed because some corporations

are treating the planet

like we're in second semester senior year.

(audience laughs)

It's almost over, (beep) it.

(audience laughs)

Let's get to the pressing issues of the day, okay?

The more important issues of the day.

Vegan soul food, what the (censored)?

(audience laughs)

Really?

Really, vegans, you dare bring that into the earth?

Really vegans?

That doesn't even make any sense.

Now let's think about this for a moment, okay?

And what's the history of soul food?

Slaves were given the worst parts of the animals.

Pigs feet, things like that.

They had to cover it in lard and spices,

whatever they could to make that taste delicious.

Soul food is steeped

in African-American history and tradition.

Then you have vegan food.

Now vegans also start with a limited number of ingredients.

But arguably what they end up with

tastes worse than what they started with.

(audience laughs) (audience claps)

That's arguable, that's arguable.

I argue it, because it's true.

Some would argue otherwise, and they're wrong.

Because I have had vegan Thanksgiving

of tofurky and soy gravy. (audience laughs)

And it's not to say that Thanksgiving

will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans,

but vegan Thanksgiving,

that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?

(audience laughs) (audience claps)

Thank you. (audience claps)

Now again, the bigger point here

is vegans don't use animal products in their food.

And that's a key part of soul food.

That is an essential part of soul food, animal products.

Therefore, vegan soul food is essentially

a heavy metal cover album of Motown classics.

(energetic music)

Heavy metal is rock music

stripped of its historic Black elements.

It can't properly cover Motown.

If I saw a heavy metal cover album of Motown classics,

I would not buy it,

unless of course, the record was called Vegan Soul Food.

(audience laughs)

At which point it is high concept, and Daddy must have it.

Daddy must have it. (audience laughs)

I mean, Hindus aren't supposed to convert.

But if we were, at least we'd have some options, you know?

At least we know how to sell God, you know?

Hey man, let me ask you a question, you like elephants?

I got elephant god right here.

Elephant god, Ganesha, elephant god?

Can get you through hard times, man.

He'll get you through hard...

No, not for you?

That's cool, elephants are scary for some people.

I get it, you like monkeys?

I got monkey god, monkey god?

(audience laughs)

Monkey, Hanuman. (audience claps)

Has a tail, he can fly. (audience claps)

No?

All right, maybe you like the color blue?

Oh, good, all right.

Three for one, Vishnu Rama Krishna.

That's three for one, three for one, no?

All right, okay, that's fine.

You like warranties?

You like lifetime warranties, reincarnation,

that's infinite lifetimes warranty.

(audience laughs)

No?

How about some weed?

(audience laughs) (audience claps)

(laughs) Weed wins again!

I live in Brooklyn, New York.

And I wanna share a story with you.

This is the weirdest thing I've ever dealt with

in one of my walks in Brooklyn.

I was walking around my neighborhood,

and I saw a Black woman pushing a stroller

with a white baby in it.

And that's not all that surprising, right?

Especially in certain parts of New York.

It's fair to assume that that's the nanny,

and that's the child she's taken care of.

Now, it's possible that that child is

that woman's partner's child from a previous relationship.

That's certainly possible, right?

Another possibility.

Genetics are very complicated, maybe that was her child.

The child is much lighter, you know?

But the child had blonde hair and blue eyes.

I didn't think so.

But look, genetics is complicated.

Maybe that was her child, right?

Now there's a third possibility,

which is the least likely possibility,

but that's the possibility I really wanted to be.

And that possibility is that this is a rich Black woman

who just bought herself the ultimate luxury item.

(audience laughs)

Now, I'm trying to walk by these two people on the street

when I overhear what this Black woman

is saying to this white child.

And this is what she's saying.

"Toby, your name is Toby, can you say it?

"That's your name, your name is Toby.

"Say it, your name is Toby."

(audience laughs)

It's about about 30 of you.

About 30 of you understood.

(audience laughs)

You should be proud. (audience claps)

For the rest of you, I will explain.

(audience laughs)

There is a book/miniseries by Alex Haley called "Roots"

(audience laughs)

and in "Roots" a slave, Kunta Quinte,

is brought to America and is told his name is Toby.

(audience laughs)

And he refuses to be called Toby,

so he's whipped repeatedly.

"Your name is Toby."

"Kunta Quinte" whip.

"Toby"

"Kunta Quinte" whip, and it's absolutely horrific.

Flash forward to a year ago in my neighborhood in Brooklyn.

(audience laughs)

I saw a Black woman tell a white child

that his name was Toby.

(audience laughs)

And there was no one else there to witness this.

(audience laughs)

It was just me.

I'm like this the whole time.

"Oh my God, this is amazing.

"Wow, what the, wow."

(audience laughs)

Well, I have been in a writing slump.

This is perfect right now.

(audience laughs)

Now, there's two possibilities

how this could have happened, right?

One possibility is that this Black woman

has also not seen or read "Roots"

has no idea why this is magical.

(audience laughs)

Or the second possibility,

this Black woman just found a revenge for slavery.

(audience laughs)