3 Keys to Small Talk: Meet new people and build relationships

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So, E, you got the key to my heart? Hi. James from engVid. I would like to give
you three keys on small talk. And if your case... in case you're wondering
what small talk is, it's something all of us do. It doesn't matter if we're
meeting strangers or even people we know. But as an English student or
someone studying English, I would like to give you a reason why small talk is
especially important for you. Okay? So, let's go to the board and I'll explain
why. So, what is "small talk"? Okay? There are three things I would say. One
is a way to meet someone new. Right? So, you... you're standing by a bus, and you
ask somebody: "So, how's the weather?" You're engaging in a conversation to
meet someone. You can both stand silent; but this way, you get to meet new
people. And that's just fun in itself. Right? Makes life more interesting to
know different types of people. Number two: Build a relationship. Okay, so,
you're not meeting someone at the bus stop; you've met them a few times. Well,
if you just say: "How's the weather?" and walk away, you'll never have... have
a relationship. Meeting is the first part; you meet someone, but how do we
build that relationship? Well, you take small talk, and it helps lead to doors
where we get to know things that are important to people to make for deeper
conversation, more interesting conversation. So, if you were thinking
small talk is more like an appetizer and a meal. If you're ordering steak and
french fries, you have a salad first, and you eat the salad get... to get
ready for something bigger. Because maybe at that moment, you just want to
sit and relax, and you don't want to just put steak, and potato, and beer in
your mouth. And you want to engage in a small conversation with people. So,
"small talk" is that way to build to the next meal or the main course. A deeper
relationship. Right? Because once you've got, you know... "How's the weather?"
and someone says: "I like... I don't like it because it's cold." And the
other person says: "I like it, because cold means I can ski." You can say: "You
like to ski? That's cool. How long have you been...?" See how that works? And
the third reason we do small talk: Because it's just fun. It's fun to go
out there and engage in the world and other people. Okay?
So, this is what "small talk" is, but how does it help you as a student?
Right? Why is it important for you, as a student? Well, here are three reasons
why. Number one: Practice, practice, practice. Your pronunciation sucks.
Sorry. I'm just kidding. But you need pronunciation skills. Practice. When
you're talking to someone, small talk is short... a short enough period of time
that you can practice things; drills, because you'll say them again and again.
"How is the weather?" You know. "Hot enough for ya?" — things like that. So,
you get to work on pronunciation. And it's short enough that you can take the
lesson you learn, take it home with you to practice. Also, your listening
skills. Small talk isn't you just talking, like me, on the video — I do
all the talking. You actually have to listen, like you are now. And you're
going to find out very quickly that I don't care how many English speakers you
meet — none of them sound the same. We all have different backgrounds and, you
know... histories. Some people were born in Canada, some in the United States;
some in the South of United States. You know what I'm saying? They're not born
where you think they're born, so it's kind of hard to understand what they're
saying to you, boy. Pay attention when I'm talking to you. You go: "What did he
just say?" Well, what he said to you was: "Pay attention, please, because
he's speaking English. Don't you understand?" All English — all
different. So, every person you interact with is giving you something. Okay? So,
listening skills you get to work on.
Next. So many students ask: "How can I stop translating in my head? I can't
stop it." Engage in small talk — that means participate in small talk. If it's
really small talk, it's very quick. You don't have time to translate everything.
By the time you're done, the conversation's done. So, it's a good way
to stop you from translating because the real conversation is too fast. If I know
you don't speak English, I'm going to slow down and that's not what you want.
Like: "Hot enough for ya?" They don't know you speak English. And you go:
"Yes, it's very hot. Why you ask?" They go: "Oh, because it's hot outside. Hot."
And they change the way they're speaking. But if you get that practice
with the pronunciation and listening skills, and enough small talk — you can
respond quickly and they will keep speaking quickly. And that is great. The
final thing is: You get new friends. Like I told you, it's fun. But these
friends will keep you practicing, which is where we go back to number one. The
initial practice of small... small talk, lets you know: "How well am I doing?"
It's like a test. Then you get to solve that problem of translation, which slows
down your conversation. And, finally, you get a new friend who's going to help
you practice even more. Small talk. Small... wonder we don't do it more.
Anyway, let's go to the board so I can give you a bit more of this particular
lesson. Actually, will give you things you can work on to improve your small
talk, so we can get this all working for you. Okay? (snaps fingers)
So, what are my three keys to small talk? You must be wondering. Well, I'm
going to give them to you right here. One. Given them to you right now. Give
them to you right now. One, two, and three — they look like slices of pie.
All right? So, the first key to getting the benefits of small talk has nothing
to do with the small talk itself; it's with your mental state, or your brain,
your mind. Okay? So, my first key is: First, don't feel like your English
isn't good enough. Quite frankly, English people's English isn't good
enougher. And I said: "enougher" because I've heard people say things on
television and on the street that's, quite frankly, really bad English; where
people don't use the "ly" when they're speaking with an adverb for things. They
don't say: "I speak slowly", they go: "I speak slow". And they're okay with it,
and there's no correction. So, don't feel your English isn't good enough.
You're learning — that's part of the process. So, by changing this mental
part will get you into the small talk. Second, most people are nervous about
starting conversations, whether this is in English, or if this is in Spanish,
Mandarin Japanese — it doesn't matter. For the average person talking to
another human being, when there is no reason to do so, is a bit nervous.
Because you don't know if they're in a good mood or a bad mood; they're going
to be happy or angry, or walk away from you, make you feel stupid. So, it's not
about the language; the other person is nervous as well. And sometimes, as
something you say that's funny or interesting, makes them go: "Wow", and
you've changed everything. Cool? All right. The third thing we have here, in
our third... or our first key is... here's where I'm going to start talking
about, you know... moving into the small talk: Have a plan. So, I know this seems
like I'm talking about the small talk, but I'm saying: In order to not worry
about your English being not good enough, and overcoming being nervous —
have three objectives for your small talk. Because if you know you just
want... okay, to small talk, you want to have someone talk to you for one minute,
and that's it. After the minute's done, you're finished. Once you hit that
objective, you'll feel really good. And you'll feel confident and relaxed; the
other person can relax. Right? Or maybe you want to specifically get good at
getting... drawing information out of people, or get someone else to talk, so
you don't have to speak a lot. These are all different objectives. Another one
could be that you speak most of the small-talk conversation. And once you've
obtained them, you can say: "I've got a certain level; I can move on" — that
will give you the confidence to forget not feeling like you're English is good
enough, forget about being nervous, and just get your job done. Right? You brush
your teeth in the morning — you don't get nervous; you just do it because it's
something you've decided to do. Do it like that, or making the bed. So, that's
my first key. Let's get our mental picture right, or the mental thinking
correct. Okay? And having that objective will help with that.
So, how do you start small talk? Well, I kind of start leading in with the
objectives, but having an objective isn't going to start it. So, I'm going
to give you something that you could notice and you should talk about. Yes,
compliment and cold read. Okay? A "cold read" I'll explain in a second, but
"compliment" is easy. Say something to somebody. Now, if you're a male, it's
best to say things that aren't about... if you're talking to a female, obvious
physical attributes. But there's always something you could look at, like for
instance: I've got a really cool bracelet that my sister made for me. You
see the blue, and you go: "I love the blue in that bracelet." I'm like: "Oh,
that's so cool." That has nothing to do with what I look like physically, but it
is something I like. Okay? So, give a compliment. One of the best ways to do
that, and I've taught this before, is when you go out... next time you go out,
just close your eyes... like, look around, close your eyes, and try and
think: "What captured your imagination right away? What things stood out?" Open
your eyes and look again. You will start noticing certain things made... brought
your interest. And those things are usually designed to capture your
interest. And almost every human being, when they wear jewelry, or a shirt, or
shoes — they bought it because they liked it. So, if you close your eyes and
you can think of capturing that one thing, and you bring it up — they'll
generally think it's a genuine compliment, and they'll like it. Nobody
wants to hear you say something like: "Your face, it's like human. It's cool."
That's not a compliment. Or other things you can talk about on the female anatomy
or the male anatomy. It's obvious, and it's like some people are quite frankly
bored that you would bring it up. They want something interesting, so they can
give you their interest. Remember, my interest is my time; my time is my life.
So, make it worthwhile for me to turn around and go: "Wow. I'm going to stop
what I'm doing to talk to you because you're interesting." Okay? So,
compliment.
Follow that up with what's called a "cold read". A "cold read", if you have
ever been to a psychic — they have the crystal ball. "In your future, you will
be married to a sheep. I mean, you will get married and have sheep." They are
guessing. They're looking at you and they're looking at what you're wearing,
how you speak, and they're trying to make a guess about who you are. So, make
a "cold read". Like: "Hey, that's a really cool shirt you're wearing." It's
a shirt. "Do you golf?" That's a "cold read". You don't know. It is a golf
shirt. This is for golfing. Yes, people wear this shirt so they don't get hit by
balls. It's like: "I'm here. Don't hit me." Okay? So, you make a "cold read",
like: "That's a really cool shirt. I bet you are into golf." And I go: -"Why,
yes, it is a golf shirt." -"I like golfing." Right? Now, you can also do
that and ask a question, like: "Do you golf often?" So, you've gone from: "I
like your shirt." Maybe you don't, but maybe you do. Right? Or you go... here's
something. Maybe you don't like my shirt and you go: "That's an interesting
shirt. Do you golf?" Now, by saying: "interesting", you never said you liked
it; that's up to me to interpret. So, that's a little thing you keep in your
back pocket. If someone says: -"Do you like my food?" -"Ah, it's an interesting
choice. You went with the fish with bones and nails. Interesting. Hmm."
Right? Didn't say I liked it; I said it was interesting. Okay? Back pocket. Keep
it. Okay, so ask a question. So, you say... you give me a compliment. Right?
Make a cold read: What would somebody like wear a shirt like that? Or why
would they wear a shirt like this? Then ask a question. You've moved the
conversation along that I will start talking, and you've engaged me. Cool?
Right?
Here's another one: Ask a question, and ask... and a clue. What? Ask a question
and a clue? Maybe you see this shirt and you go: "Okay, hold on a second. That is
an interesting shirt. Give me a clue about where you would wear something
like that." And then I would... and then you go on and start talking more about
them. So, you say: "Give me a clue." I was like: "Let's say Arnold Palmer." You
go: "Oh, of course, golf! You play golf. You like golfing." And because you've
asked a question, like: "Oh, I want to know where you got that from, but don't
tell me. Don't tell me the answer." And this is the key: You ask the question,
and you say: "But don't tell me the answer. Give me some information, so I
can guess." This is a very cool strategy, because you've involved them
in the conversation and they didn't see it coming. Because when I say: "I want
to know about your shirt. Where did you get it?" Right? Say that's it. "I want
to know about your shirt. Where did you get it?" But then you say: "But don't
tell me. Don't tell me. Give me a clue. Give me a clue." And then I would have
to say: "Hmm. Well, I was down in Florida, and there was a guy named
Arnold Palmer." And you go: "Arnold Palmer. Golf! Golf! Of course it's golf!
Oh! That it." So, you've involved me in that conversation; you made me part of
your conversation. See how that is? You slid that in — that's really cool.
Right? So, I'm more likely to speak with you because now I feel like it's my
conversation; not just your conversation. Cool? All right.
Now, the third part, which is most important part, in my opinion. Remember
it's called: "small talk". Now, I do these videos; it's a long talk. "Small
talk" means short; it could be one minute, it could be five, maybe ten, but
it's got to be short. Here, we started off with the beginning of your small
talk, getting your mindset. Then I went into the meat of it: Doing it; getting
that conversation started. The most important part, here, to keep it small
talk that keep people coming back so you can get more information to create these
relationships is the talk... sorry. The touch, talk, walk phenomenon.
Phenomenon. Here's what you do: You hit your objective — that's why I started
with the objective. What was it? You got it — boom. People always want more.
Please keep that in mind. Never be the last person at a party. Never be the
last person to sit at the dinner table. I'm going to say something terrible, so
forgive me: It's called Loserville, because you're hoping that everybody
will stick around; it's done. The meal is done, the party's over; all the cool
people left. You're the last one left. Don't be that person. So, what do I
mean? End the conversation early so people want to continue. You start a
great conversation on physics or politics, and they go: "Oh, that's so
cool!" and you go: "I gotta go. We'll talk another time." They're like: "Yeah,
yeah. I'd like to do that. I'd like to finish that conversation." You've now
created that relationship we talked about. So, how do we get that situation?
I helped you with: Have your objective. Meet your objective, then end that
conversation, so that person's like: "Can we talk again? Get coffee?" They
want to initiate, and you've moved from small to long talk. Touch — touch them
on the arm. Touching them on the arm, it's like: "Hey. You know what? Love to
talk more, but I gotta go to work. See you." A light touch on the arm
indicates: "We're done now. Moving on. You're on your own." Talk. Touch and
talk. So: "Hey. It was great talking to you. I'll catch you next week", and
move. So, as you touch, you talk, and you keep. And this is the third part:
Walk — leave; leave the area. Now, they're in the middle of it, they might
be like: "Oh, okay."
But, now, it's this thing about not completing a task — they're going to
want to complete that conversation; complete where you were going on it, and
they're looking forward to the next opportunity. So, you've taken our small
talk — and that's why I said it's important for you as a student to get
practice, practice, practice. You've left the seed, like for growing a tree.
You've left a seed to grow. Now that person wants it to grow, so you guys can
come back together and start the relationship where you'll get more
practice. Now, I added: Fun, because I don't think... you're not here to use
people. They're not here for... to practice with so you can get benefit,
and there's nothing there. The idea of "Fun" is that two people share time
together that they enjoy, and they willingly engage and want to engage in.
So, this isn't trying to trick people. You had an objective, you made it; and
you do want to make friends. We're going to do that by continuing the process.
But you want to make it so that people, who probably are having a difficult time
understanding you, want to help you improve. So, it's a bonus for them,
because you are probably a wonderful person, let's face facts. And I'm not
trying to — as we say — "blow smoke up your ass", which means give you a
compliment for no reason. The fact that you are trying to learn another language
sets you apart from other people; it's just a fact. So, you're probably a
decent person. And the only problem that people may have is they can't
communicate because you don't have the language. And in order to get that, you
need to practice. So, this is a tool to be used to help you practice, so you can
show people the person that's inside you, so they can appreciate what you
have to offer.
Anyway, this class wouldn't be complete if I didn't give you bonus and homework.
So, let's go to the board and do that. Right? Two-part relationship-building
questions with "why". So, what I mean by "two-part" — here's something you can
slip into this compliments and read, and all the stuff I was talking about over
here. It's a technique, where you're going to use two parts of a question. A
lot of the questions we ask are very, very boring, and you've heard them
before. "Where do you live? Where do you work? Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah." But
we can use: "Why?" to take a simple question that's used often to transform
it into something that brings something of the person to the conversation. Once
again, once they're engaged, that means part of the conversation, they'll want
to continue it. And in doing that, you'll get to know them. And you can
actually, as I said, build a relationship. So: -"Where do you work?"
-"At McDonald's." That conversation's done. But: -"Why do you work there?"
-"Well, I need the money." -"But yeah, yeah. But you can get money anywhere.
Why do you work there?" -"Well, my friend worked there, and they got me the
job." -"Oh, wow. Cool. You got many friends there?" See how you've taken
something that would have been a boring one-answer question: "Money" — and
you've moved it. "Why?" is a question that you can't say: "Yes" or "No" to.
So, when we do this question, here, to build a relationship, we don't want a
"yes" or a "no" answer. We want them to provide a sentence that gives us
something that we can build on. That's why it's called: "building
relationships" — to build the conversation.
Here's another one: -"Where do you live?" -"At home with my parents."
-"Well, why do you live there?" -"Well, I don't got any money to move out."
-"Well, why not?" -"Well, I was going to school to study... study photography."
-"Oh, you're a photographer." That's the "why". We've taken this information, and
taken a question like: -"Why do you live in Toronto?" -"I don't know. It's a
city." Right? Sorry. Like: -"Where do you live?" -"Toronto." -"Why do you live
in Toronto?" -"Well, I got my job there." -"Well, what do you do for a
living?" And that... even though it's not to do, I'm like: "What do you do for
a living?" I've put in another question. So, "Why?" can help us to use... lead us
to places where we can get more information from the person, and have a
really cool and interesting conversation. And the best part is, like
anything, when we invest in something, we want to see a return. When somebody
invests in a conversation by saying more than: "Yes" or "No", then they want it
to continue because it makes no sense to be talking to you if they're not
interested at all. Keep that. All right?
So, what is your homework that we have today? Well, I would like you to write
down two things that I... I am personally wearing that interest you.
So, remember, I told you: "Close your eyes and then open quickly"? See what
you can catch on me. Oh, by the way, maybe you can see these. Wha. Maybe not.
But my shoes, they're kind of cool, too, Just take a look, and it's something you
might say: "I'm really interested about that", then just bring it up. All right?
But don't just do that with me; that's homework. And if you can think of
something interesting that I'm going to go: "Yes" — that's cool. Like, I don't
know, what you could possibly think about that I would have that
interesting, you know, because I mean, I'm just like you know. I'm an ordinary
person who... and I eat, I... I breathe. I... I don't know. I... I do everything
that you do. Nine o'clock — okay, interesting. And I do the same things
you do. So, I can't think of anything that you might have brought up that...
you don't smoke? Okay. Yeah. I can't think of a single thing that might
interest you. It'd be too big, but you know... just in case, any two things you
can think of, and write it in the comments — people will give you a thumbs
up. And this give you 100 million points, if you can think of two things
that I might have shown you that's interesting. And then think about how
you could incorporate that into a conversation with me. All right? And
then take that same habit and go out in the street. Have fun. That's why I said:
"Have fun" — play with it. Walk up to random people and just close your eyes,
open. Have your objective there. Ask the: "Why?" question to see where it
goes. I would love to hear some of the good things — or I can say great things
— that happened to you when you tried it out. Anyway. It's been a really long
talk. "And I do have to go", said the rabbit with his stopwatch. Well, not his
watch. His pocket watch. All right. Have a good one, and I'll talk to you soon.
Ciao.