but during small group gatherings,

I've noticed that some brothers and sisters have been believers longer than me,

and some have even been in leadership positions.

This is all really weighing down on me.

I'm always worried that my fellowship is inadequate,

or that I won't be able to solve others' problems

and that they'll look down on me and say I'm not up to the task.

Constantly living with these thoughts

has left me feeling depressed, inhibited and pretty miserable.

Have any of you been in a state like this before, and what did you do?

I've been in a state like that before.

In 2017, I was elected to a leadership position and put in charge of a few churches.

I noticed that all those churches' leaders had been believers for longer than me.

Sister Gao and Sister Sun had served as leaders for many years

and we'd been in co-worker gatherings together in the past,

so they pretty much knew what to expect of me.

Sister Yuan, a leader from another church,

had watered me right after I accepted the work of God.

I was completely clueless at the time,

but whenever I had issues, she helped me with fellowship on the truth.

So be it work experience or time in the faith,

they had me beat in every aspect.

It seemed if I tried to take charge of their work and help them solve their issues,

I'd just end up embarrassing myself.

Yet, I also knew that this commission was God's exaltation.

I couldn't decline this duty just to save face and preserve my status.

I had to accept and submit.

- That's right. - Yes.

So I wrote to the church leaders for a gathering

to familiarize myself with the churches as soon as possible.

I usually write letters out very quickly,

but not when I wrote to Sister Gao.

I kept writing and rewriting those few lines,

revising them over and over again.

I kept worrying that I'd fail to communicate clearly and she'd look down on me.

When it came time for the gathering, I became even more anxious.

My mind was racing with thoughts:

We used to hold gatherings together as co-workers,

and if I don't fellowship well or if I can't resolve their issues,

what will they think of me?

Will they say,

"Who are you to try to resolve our problems with a stature like yours?"

No way, I have to give quality fellowship

to show them that I'm capable of doing this job.

Trying to appear composed, I started getting caught up on their work.

I made notes of any problems that came up

and looked for God's words to resolve them.

But being so nervous, I ran out of things to say after fellowshiping for a while.

Just then, I noticed Sister Gao had a sort of grave look on her face.

I thought to myself,

"Is it because I didn't resolve their problems with my fellowship?"

Trying to recover some face, I forced myself to continue fellowshiping.

As I talked, I kept monitoring their expressions closely,

to see if they were becoming impatient.

My heart pounded with the slightest change in their demeanor.

True.

Toward the end of the gathering,

everyone basically went quiet and I was the only one talking.

It felt like time was standing still—

the gathering dragged on at a snail's pace.

Finally, the gathering came to a close

and I headed home, feeling utterly depleted.

It felt like I'd just done a day of backbreaking labor,

and all I wanted to do was rest,

then I remembered I scheduled a gathering the following day

with Sister Yuan and other sisters.

If they ended up having some problem that I couldn't resolve,

what would they think of me?

No, I had to prepare in advance.

I picked up their church's work report and began reading,

but before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.

It wasn't until 9 p.m. that I woke with a start.

I thought to myself: "That's odd. I usually never get sleepy this early."

So I came before God and prayed to Him, saying:

"Oh God, fulfilling this duty is putting me under a lot of pressure.

I'm worried the church leaders will look down on me if I don't provide good fellowship.

I'm feeling constrained and

I don't know how I should get myself through this situation.

I pray that You enlighten and guide me to know myself."

Then I read this passage of God's words:

God's words incisively revealed my state at the time.

I was finding it so tiring and agonizing to hold these gatherings

because I was too concerned with dignity and status.

True.

Thinking back to before I had been elected as a leader,

I was uninhibited in my gatherings with Sister Gao and the other sisters.

I fellowshiped exactly as much as I understood,

and trusted that no one would look down on me for superficial fellowship

since I hadn't been a believer for very long.

Yet, after fulfilling duties as a leader,

I felt that since I had a higher position than them,

they would think less of me

if I didn't fellowship well and couldn't resolve their problems.

I strove to show off in all the gatherings so that the others would think highly of me

and say I was worthy of the post.

I didn't have much experience, but didn't want to lay bare my flaws.

I just kept plowing forward.

I positioned myself on a pedestal,

thinking that leaders should have a certain stature

and be better than everyone else in every way.

I hid all of my flaws and my inadequacies as well,

I didn't openly seek what I didn't understand and pretended that I did,

all out of fear of being looked down upon.

I brought all this suffering upon myself because I was too enamored of status.

- That's true. - Sure.

God gave me a chance to train myself by exalting me with this leadership position,

allowing me to learn how to fellowship and resolve problems.

Yet, I didn't give the slightest thought to fulfilling my duties well

and helping others resolve their problems and issues.

Instead, I took it as an opportunity for self-promotion,

to make others think highly of me.

I even put up a false front and deceived my brothers and sisters.

I didn't have the slightest bit of reason— I was completely shameless.

I immediately came before God and made a prayer to Him in repentance,

asking that He guides me to cast off the tethers of reputation and status.

Amen!

After praying, I read this passage of God's words.

I'll read it for you:

God's words provide a clear path for practice.

To cast off the tethers of reputation and status,

we must let go of status within our hearts,

learn to open up, stop keeping things inside and disguising ourselves,

and show others the truest version of ourselves.

Only by consciously practicing in this way can our spirits be truly free.

- Yes. - Right!

Reading these words from God also gave me a path of practice.

I may have been elected to be a leader,

but my stature hadn't changed at that point.

It wasn't like fulfilling this duty meant I suddenly understood all truths,

and could fathom everything and resolve all issues.

I had to face up to my inadequacies—

if I couldn't resolve a problem,

I should just honestly admit that I didn't understand.

Then I could seek the truth together with the others to resolve the problem.

Yes.

In a later gathering,

the church leaders brought up some problems that they were stuck on for fellowship.

I was a bit worried at the time.

If I wasn't able to resolve their problems,

would they start to think less of me?

So I silently prayed to God,

asking Him to correct my attitude and allow me to calmly face my own inadequacies.

Sure.

Even if they saw my true ability and really did think less of me,

I still had to practice the truth.

That was fine as long as we resolved issues and our work went along smoothly.

Yes.

After that, I only fellowshiped as much as I understood,

and if I was having trouble resolving them,

I'd open up about it to my brothers and sisters,

and we'd seek a resolution together.

I felt a big release from practicing like this.

Gradually, I stopped being so hung up on face and status,

and I felt a lot more relaxed in gatherings.

Thank God!

I could often feel God enlightening and guiding me,

and I was able to identify some problems in the work

and find ways to resolve them through God's words.

I felt grounded and at peace by doing my duty this way.

- Great. - Indeed!

- So nice. - Thanks be to God!

Your story has given me some insights.

If we want to stop being hung up on status and face,

we have to face our own inadequacies, and not hide them away.

The more we want to preserve our face and status,

the more we should do the opposite,

and open up about our inadequacies, unresolved issues,

and also about our improper motives to our brothers and sisters,

so that we can seek the truth and resolve them.

That's right.

By practicing like this,

we can rid ourselves of the fetters of reputation and status.

Indeed.

Later on, a few other things happened,

which made me reflect on myself in an even deeper way.

In 2019, I took on editing duty in the church.

We needed to organize a study group on the relevant principles

made up of brothers and sisters from a few churches.

I had never organized such a big study group before,

and I felt very pressured—like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.

I worried I'd lose face if I couldn't provide clear fellowship.

The group leader asked me to actively participate in fellowship

for an upcoming study group.

My heart got caught inside my throat—

this wasn't some small gathering of a few people.

What if I couldn't provide clear fellowship

in front of so many of my brothers and sisters?

What would they all think of me?

Would they wonder how someone of my caliber was allowed to fulfill editing duties?

The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.

Before the gathering, I read the principles again and again.

You see, I racked my brains,

trying to think up the clearest and most organized way to fellowship on them.

I prayed to God nonstop in my heart,

asking Him to bring peace and serenity to my heart.

But when it came time for the gathering, I was still a nervous wreck.

I just kept counting down the minutes until it was my turn to fellowship.

I was not in any place to be pondering the principles.

I really don't have any idea how I got through that gathering.

I felt an immense amount of pressure—

I didn't want to organize that kind of group.

I thought to myself: "Maybe I should just cancel the study group altogether

and have everybody study amongst themselves.

That way I won't worry about providing bad fellowship

and embarrassing myself in front of everyone."

I went to the leader and told him that

the study group in its current form was ineffective.

It ended up being canceled.

No one else was aware of my despicable intentions, but God was watching.

God later devised a scenario for me.

A sister asked me several times:

"Why don't you organize a study group

for the brothers and sisters to go over principles?"

She also said she'd really like to attend that kind of study group.

Hearing her say this made me feel a bit guilty.

I was in charge of the church's editing work.

It was my duty to lead my brothers and sisters in studying principles.

But I canceled the study group in order to save face and preserve my status,

without the slightest consideration or thought to others' needs,

or what would be best for the work of the church.

Wasn't I harming my brothers and sisters?

I was so selfish and lowly!

I later saw a very moving passage of God's words in which He exposes antichrists.

By placing so much importance on status and reputation,

I was actually revealing my own antichrist disposition.