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  • What is being 'turned on' supposed to feel like?

  • According to all of the messaging around us,

  • it's this simple, automatic thing

  • that you should just get,

  • especially when you're young.

  • But sexual desire is really anything but simple.

  • And yeah, we're talking about sex,

  • but before ya'll go getting frisky in the comments,

  • sexual desire is an aspect

  • of physical and mental health.

  • There's lots of very legitimate science around it,

  • but it's treated as taboo

  • or inappropriate, and that leaves a whole bunch

  • of really important issues lurking in the dark.

  • -Sexual desire is the want

  • for some sort of sexual interaction

  • with someone or yourself, because

  • desire in and of itself

  • is not fully understood.

  • It is often referred back to food.

  • So with food,

  • you can have a desire for something.

  • But there is no arousal

  • for it, meaning that,

  • yeah, I really want some cake, but your mouth didn't water.

  • Right?

  • So the arousal portion is more

  • of the physical response to the desire.

  • -So basically, someone can want to have sex,

  • but they may not be physically aroused.

  • And the reverse is also true.

  • Someone can be physically aroused but have no mental

  • or emotional desire to engage in sexual activity.

  • This mismatch is called

  • arousal non-concordance.

  • And studies show that women are more likely to experience it than men are.

  • And to understand more about issues like this, it's really important

  • that we untangle physical arousal

  • from sexual desire.

  • In fact, there are actually

  • two different kinds of desire.

  • -So desire is actually split into the two.

  • It's the spontaneous desire

  • as well as the response desire.

  • -Spontaneous desire is where the thought or feeling

  • 'I'd like to have sex' just sort of pops into your head

  • out of the blue. And response of desire

  • is where you may not really be in the mood,

  • but after a little warm up

  • like kissing, touching, or flirting,

  • you do start to want to have sex.

  • -One of the biggest misconceptions about desire

  • is that it should be spontaneous only.

  • -This misconception feeds into common stereotypes

  • we see all around us, like men

  • having out of control sexual appetites or women

  • as having little innate desire.

  • -Stop it! I have a headache!

  • -But that's far from the truth.

  • And anyone, regardless of sex or gender,

  • can experience spontaneous

  • or responsive desire.

  • -Spontaneous desire actually doesn't happen

  • as often as people think it does.

  • Most people's desire tends to be responsive, though

  • you can certainly have both and people

  • have them in different measures.

  • -Responsive desire was only acknowledged

  • and defined around 20 years ago, and lots of the world's

  • messaging about sex doesn't really

  • talk about responsive desire.

  • And when they do, it's not really in a positive way.

  • Many people report experiencing

  • low desire, but could at least some of this be

  • because they're actually experiencing responsive desire

  • in a world that has only taught us

  • about spontaneous desire?

  • Really, it all comes down to brain stuff.

  • That's not me saying it's all in your head.

  • There is actual neuroscience.

  • Essentially, we've all got

  • brakes and accelerators.

  • The sexual excitation

  • system is your accelerator.

  • Your brain perceives something

  • as a positive sexual stimulus and ignites

  • this cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones

  • that can turn into physical arousal.

  • The sexual inhibition system is the brake.

  • This is stuff that stops

  • those positive responses in their tracks.

  • So stuff that gives you the ick.

  • This can be something your brain

  • consciously or subconsciously perceives

  • as a threat, like a fight with your partner

  • or the potential of a sexually transmitted infection.

  • And research has shown that these two systems work together

  • in what's called the dual control model.

  • -So when the S.E.S.

  • excitement is higher than the inhibitions,

  • you're probably more in the space to actually have sex.

  • When it is reversed,

  • you're less likely to have sex.

  • -Some people might have more

  • sensitive brakes or faster accelerators,

  • and you can really be any combination of the two.

  • That's totally normal. And our brains don't exist in a vacuum.

  • They're affected by everything around and in us.

  • Things like medications, past experiences,

  • physical and mental health,

  • body image, relationship status,

  • trauma, our personal history with sex,

  • and of course,

  • the ever-present societal messaging

  • about what sex, what kind you have,

  • who you have it with and when or how often you have it.

  • What that says about you as a person.

  • -Basically, everything impacts sexual desire,

  • and that is part of the reason why it has been difficult

  • for any professional,

  • like on the medical side

  • or on the mental health side

  • to be able to quickly pinpoint exactly

  • why Hypo Sexual Desire Disorder comes to fruition.

  • -People who feel, for whatever

  • reason that they have low sexual desire

  • might feel that they're broken or sick,

  • which obviously can impact quality of life

  • and make relationships and sex more difficult.

  • It also creates the opportunity

  • for wellness and pharmaceutical companies

  • to sell drugs and supplements that claim

  • to fix it.

  • But in some cases,

  • it might be that you are normal

  • and it's our perception of what's normal

  • that's the problem we should fix.

  • Because until the early 2000s,

  • most research into the dual control

  • model had only been done in men.

  • This data was then used to form

  • scientific and medical norms

  • of sexual desire and response

  • that were just applied to everyone else.

  • And that means that the norm is going to be off

  • base for at least some of us.

  • -I wish that people knew that

  • sexual desire is entirely changeable

  • as it changes throughout your entire lifespan.

  • But it also changes with context.

  • So sexual desire is not written in stone.

  • It's going to be about what you do in your daily life

  • to sort of feed back into it.

  • -Now I want to make it really clear here that we're not talking

  • about physiological sexual

  • dysfunction in this episode.

  • If you're experiencing pain with sex

  • or extreme emotional distress, if you're dealing with something

  • like vaginismus or hormone fluctuations

  • as a result of pregnancy or menopause,

  • these things can absolutely impact your desire.

  • And it's really important that you speak to your OB-GYN

  • or your primary care doctor about it.

  • But the bottom line

  • is that when it comes to pretty much anything in the health

  • field, you are unique

  • and this includes sex.

  • So what's normal is going to be unique to you

  • because there's no one normal

  • that can be applied to everyone.

  • So take the time to figure out

  • what revs your engine.

  • Get in touch with your own desire,

  • explore, talk about it

  • and find the contexts that work for you.

  • Thank you all so much for watching Seeker's Body Language.

  • If you have another topic like this, you want us to cover in this series,

  • let us know in the comments, and I'll see you next time.

  • Thanks so much

  • for watching Seeker's body language.

  • I hope you enjoyed this video and I'll see you next time.

What is being 'turned on' supposed to feel like?

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Sexual Desire Is Way More Complicated Than You Think

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    Summer に公開 2021 年 12 月 07 日
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