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  • Here are true facts about the arma-dildo⁠—Hm, that's a typo.

  • Here are true facts about the arma-dildo.

  • Hm, I said it again, 2 times.

  • Armadillos are the last surviving members of the order 'cingulata,'

  • the armored New World mammals.

  • Back when animals were more badass they were more 'cingulata,'

  • like the two-tongue gliptodonte and the smaller pampatheriidae,

  • which could fart fire and teleport 2 inches in any direction.

  • Who did this research?

  • Jerry? Uh, geez.

  • All that is left of this proud lineage is the armadillo's ability to eat fire ants,

  • which is kind of badass.

  • The Aztecs called the armadillo, turtle rabbit.

  • In Spanish, its name translates to "little armored one,"

  • and in Texas they are sometimes referred to as an opossum on the half shell.

  • This is because the armadillo has plates of dermal bone on its back

  • covered with horn and leathery skin.

  • Imagine having a bunch of horny bones on your back constantly rubbing together

  • I can't read this. I understand it's technically right, but⁠—ugh, okay.

  • Hence, the armadillo is like a tiny gladiator with only one weak spot: its entire belly.

  • Yes, it can take a downward blow, but it is vulnerable to the leg sweep

  • or stepping on a tiny land mine or falling into a pit of boners.

  • All right, that doesn't exist. No, I do understand.

  • I mean, yes, it's technically vulnerable to that.

  • But I'm saying there is no such thing as a pit of boners in nature.

  • It's not a threat. All right, I'll keep going, but Jerry's an idiot.

  • For the armadillo, when water is concerned

  • everything is the deep end, therefore it has the ability to hold its breath for up to

  • 6 minutes at a time.

  • There are many species of armadillo

  • like the giant armadillo named so because it is a 5-foot-long giant.

  • The screaming armadillo named so because:

  • as well as the miniature 6-inch long pink fairy armadillo.

  • That's not a fairy; fairies have wings and tiny underpants.

  • I've seen them.

  • Other species are named by the number of bands they have in the middle of their backs.

  • The 3-banded arthat's a cat. The 3-banded armadillo

  • is the only species of armadillo that rolls up into a ball when threatened.

  • Just imagine, if when you got scared your first instinct was to put your face as close to your a**

  • as possible, right up in there.

  • That is how the 3-banded armadillo do.

  • In contrast, the 9-banded armadillo can't roll up into anything,

  • so it jumps straight up in the air, 3 feet, when threatened.

  • This is a remarkable defense against, pretty much nothing,

  • and it is the opposite of what you should do in the face of a charging Honda, for example.

  • Because of all of its armor it can be a geometric challenge for the armadillo to mate.

  • Because of this, the armadillo males have a very tiny penis.

  • No, that's not true, it's giant. It's like a third the size of its body.

  • I'm just tired of all these animals having giant penises.

  • I'm not jealous, I mean it's not like you can do much with them,

  • maybe prop up your iPad when you're reading or hold the door, I don't know.

  • Science has learned much from the armadillo, and not just about the penis.

  • For example, some armadillos are polyembryonic,

  • creating 4 identical babies from a single embryo.

  • Also because if its unusually low body temperature, the armadillo is susceptible to leprosy.

  • Each year 50 to 80 people contract leprosy from handling armadillos.

  • Just remember, if you spend all of your life hiding behind your armor,

  • you'll most likely spend a lot of time sniffing your

Here are true facts about the arma-dildo⁠—Hm, that's a typo.


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アルマジロについての本当の事実 (True Facts About The Armadillo)

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    姚易辰 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日