It's the reason you stayed up until 3:00 a.m.

reading reviews of paper clips.

Yesterday, founder and evil doorknob Jeff Bezos

announced that he'll be stepping down as CEO

to become the company's executive chair,

where he'll dedicate his time to things like

philanthropy and space travel.

And can I just say,

you know you're rich when you're like,

"I'm retiring to spend more time with other planets."

Although, if we're honest,

he's not exactly retiring, right?

Jeff Bezos says he's transitioning

to the role of executive chair.

Now, I don't know exactly what an executive chair is,

but I looked it up on Google, and it looks like this.

And I guess that's just a perk of being a billionaire.

You can get plastic surgery

to look like a chair

and still have money to go to space.

I mean, whatever makes you happy, man.

What?

Oh, it's like... It's a position?

Either way, I just wanted to say congratulations to Jeff Bezos.

I mean, what he created

is a testament to the power of innovation

and the simple dream of destroying bookstores.

Now, in case you're worried,

Jeff Bezos will be fine without having a steady income.

I mean, sure, he's no longer the richest person in the world

after being passed by future Batman villain Elon Musk,

but he's still worth $184.6 billion.

And he made that money the way any billionaire does:

hard work, smart investments

and mugging delivery guys.

In other Amazon news, the e-commerce giant

agreed to pay nearly $62 million to settle charges

it skimmed tips for delivery drivers.

The Federal Trade Commission says Amazon began pocketing

some tips from customers to drivers

between 2016 and 2019.

The FTC says the e-commerce giant

assured drivers who were part of the Amazon Flex program

that they were still receiving all of their tips.

No. I'm sorry guys, no.

How rich do you have to be, huh?

Amazon is worth a trillion dollar...

trillion dollars.

And still it's sneaking tips away from its drivers? Like,

"Nah, man, no tip from that house, either.

I know, it's crazy, right?"

But Amazon can get away with this

because they're not a real person.

You see, if a real person

got caught at a bar stealing tips from the table,

there'd be a fight.

Maybe that's actually what needs to happen.

You know, if a company does something

that would get a person's ass beat,

then that company has to pick an executive

to get his ass beat.

Yeah. That way, there'd be at least somebody at Amazon

who would have said, "No, guys, guys, guys.

"We're not stealing tips.

I can't get thrown through another window, guys."

So, just appoint someone like that, you know?

You can even give him a made-up title,

like executive chair.

Wait, so it's-it's a real thing?