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  • (upbeat music)

  • - Well,

  • obviously,

  • we have a rapist in Lincoln Park.

  • He's climbing in your windows.

  • He's snatching your people up,

  • trying to rape them so y'all need to hide your kids,

  • hide your wife,

  • and hide your husband because they raping anybody out here.

  • You don't have to come and confess that you did it.

  • We're looking for you.

  • We gon find you.

  • I'm letting you know now, so you can run and tell that,

  • home boy.

  • (audience laughing) - That's Antoine Dodson,

  • and he hates rape.

  • (audience clapping)

  • - (laughing) Woo they raping everybody.

  • They raping everybody.

  • (audience laughing) (Antoine laughing)

  • - How are you?

  • - (laughing) Hi.

  • - Daniel

  • - Hey what's going on?

  • - It's nice to meet you Antoine.

  • I invited you to this park.

  • Because while beautiful by day,

  • at night, there are more unsolved rapes per square acre

  • than any place in the entire United States.

  • (woman screaming) - Yeah.

  • Oh she's gonna be late.

  • Had I known you were going to wear your shit straight

  • I would have changed.

  • - Oh no but that is just so hot.

  • - You like it?

  • - I live for that.

  • - Now, where was that video?

  • - Uh.. The video was at Huntsville, Alabama in Lincoln park.

  • - How quickly did your life change after that?

  • - The situation happened, July 28th,

  • and August 1st,

  • the whole world knew us.

  • - What, what kind of offers were you getting?

  • - I was getting offers like uh...

  • "You come on the show, we'll give you $10,000

  • or you do this so we can give you 15,000.

  • Or if you sign this contract, we give you 14 million."

  • And I was like, I never understand that.

  • - I would have signed the one that said 14 million.

  • - I mean, I would've signed it too

  • If I hadn't went to school for business.

  • So I was like, well, you know,

  • we need lawyers and stuff like that.

  • - What do you want people to know about you?

  • - They know I'm openly gay.

  • That's mainly what I want to get out. I don't care

  • - That you're gay?

  • I think people knew that about one second into your videos.

  • - Nope, that, that is so stereotype.

  • - Of course it is. - I know a lot of,

  • I know a lot of feminine guys who's not gay.

  • - No you don't.

  • Tell me how the auto tune,

  • the news guys came to you to make a song.

  • - They came in with like a little 30 second

  • clip of the song and I listened to it and I was like,

  • "Is somebody trying to make fun of my family, like,

  • I hate this. This is such trash."

  • But listening to it after a while and over and over,

  • I'm like, "Wow it really does send a positive message.

  • It's like an alert."

  • - How much did you make off of it?

  • - Almost 300,000 copies or so.

  • And we were selling it at a dollar 29 so.

  • - Oh, that's the premium, the iTunes plus the dollar 29

  • - Hah hah.

  • - No 99 cents for your stuff.

  • - Mh mh.

  • - The only thing that I question is, "hide your husbands".

  • Are husbands really getting raped?

  • because I don't think so.

  • (Antoine laughs)

  • - Oh my God, husbands are really getting raped.

  • - They rape husbands in the South?

  • - They will rape your - That's why I don't go to

  • the South.

  • - If he is five foot two they is gon get him.

  • - All right, well, you kind of got caught

  • with your pants down last time.

  • Let's go learn how to be proactive, not,

  • - Reactive.

  • - I was going to say raped, but I liked yours better.

  • (Antoine and audience laughing)

  • (soft music)

  • - All right, Nancy, stop the stretching.

  • Stop the stretching right now. - I don't wanna pull anything.

  • - I don't wanna pull anything - You don't have time

  • to stretch in an alley when you're getting raped.

  • You're not going to stretch in my class.

  • Pull of hammy, that's on you.

  • So listen up.

  • First thing you need to know about being raped

  • is the worst thing you can possibly do when being raped

  • is yell, "Help, I'm being raped."

  • You wanna yell something like, "Help, I'm on fire."

  • Nobody wants to watch rape.

  • People love a good bonefire.

  • What would you yell and being raped?

  • - Free donuts.

  • You come in here, sir.

  • This is Greg.

  • He's going to try to rape you.

  • - How is he going to rape anybody with all that stuff on?

  • - We're gonna use our imagination on this, all right?

  • Three options.

  • Eyes, throat, testicles.

  • Antoine, get up here. - Mess him up, mess him up,

  • mess him up, mess him up.

  • - All right, that's enough.

  • That's enough, you got his balls.

  • - Fire.

  • Fire.

  • - Everyone, go ahead right now,

  • and let's blow our rape whistle on the count of three.

  • One, two, three.

  • (whistles blowing)

  • (audience laughing)

  • - They were out of regular rape whistles.

  • All right, Antoine, you were clearly the greatest

  • rape fighting machine I have ever come across.

  • We've learned all weekend from this crazy lady.

  • The world wants to know,

  • are you ready to give it another shot?

  • - I'm ready let's go.

  • - Let's go find us a rapist.

  • Antoine, there is only one proven way to catch a rapist.

  • And that's with the rape trap.

  • - Cool. - Yeah.

  • Now all we need is some rape bait.

  • - Where we gon find a rape bait?

  • - Well, at this hour, we'll have to improvise.

  • ♪ He's climbing your window ♪

  • - Oh, I'm all alone.

  • Sure, glad I don't have any pepper spray on me.

  • My shoes aren't tied.

  • - Somebody coming, act sexy, act it out.

  • - Hey buddy, no means yes.

  • Why don't you pour your DNA right here.

  • Want one of this?

  • - Don't worry about that's a girl, that's fish.

  • - Beat it slut,

  • go get raped in your own corner.

  • Maybe I should take my sleeping pills.

  • Rihiffnol, rape drug.

  • ♪ He's climbing your window. ♪

  • ♪ He's snatching your people. ♪

  • - This one looks promising.

  • We gon find you.

  • (man screaming)

  • - Oh, ah, I'm being raped by a homeless beggar.

  • - Ah (laughs)

  • ah, we caught the rapists y'all uh... need to add your kids,

  • Hide your wife, or hide your husbands.

  • Cause they ain't raping nobody else out here.

  • (Antoine laughing loudly)

  • - I'm still being raped by a homeless beggar.

  • (audience cheering)

  • (upbeat music)

  • (audience clapping and cheering)

  • - Thank you.

  • Thank you.

  • Hey girls.

  • Welcome

  • to Daniel

  • point O,

  • the sunny side of Tosh.

  • Let's laugh, learn and love.

  • Now I'm going to dance like five minutes

  • to straight up kill time.

  • (upbeat music)

  • All right.

  • Right now, please welcome the human rape whistle himself.

  • Hide your kids.

  • Hide your wife.

  • It's Antoine Dodson.

  • (upbeat music)

  • How has your life changed since being on my show?

  • - A whole lot

  • I have a girlfriend.

  • - That is very confusing.

  • What's his name?

  • (Antoine laughing)

  • - You were gay.

  • You are no longer gay.

  • - People don't even understand how

  • this quote on quote straight thing came along.

  • It was a little thing that happened with this girl and

  • the hell, I fell in love with her, so,

  • and now we have a baby.

  • - So you're really only straight for one woman.

  • - Exactly.

  • - That's my problem.

  • I'm just straight for too many women.

  • Have you told your family that you are back in the closet?

  • - Oh, when I told my family I was back in the closet,

  • they kind of believed it.

  • - They did?

  • - They did. So I feel like I just dropped the act.

  • - It was just an act?

  • - Yeah, I take it as an act.

  • - You were so good at it though.

  • So you have no thoughts at all of men in a sexual way?

  • - You can never forget your past, you know what I'm saying?

  • You gonna always have those memories and things.

  • And I'm not saying that I don't think about it because I do.

  • - But if you see a gorgeous man, what goes on up there?

  • - I'm like, "Oh, he's handsome. He's decent."

  • A couple of other things which you know...

  • - (beep) is great isn't it?

  • - It is, it's warm.

  • - Very warm.

  • Who's your celebrity crush?

  • - My crush has to be Halley Berry.

  • She is hot in real life.

  • - But so old.

  • - You know that thing aint old.

  • - It's just as old.

  • (both laughing)

  • (upbeat music)

  • - And how (beep) dare anyone out there make fun of Brittany

  • after all she's been through?

  • All you people care about is,

  • your readers and making money off of her.

  • She's a human!

  • (audience laughs)

  • Leave Brittany alone.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - Chris.

  • - Hi.

  • - Tina,

  • - Tine, whatever.

  • - Nice to meet you.

  • - Nice to meet you.

  • - Hey, listen, we have a great place to do an interview.

  • - Okay. - I set it up.

  • I think it will make us both feel very much,

  • at home, - Somewhere more private,

  • - Yeah very private, - Okay.

  • - Kind of like a slumber party

  • Girls night!

  • Tell me how your life changed after that video.

  • - One morning, I grabbed my lab camera

  • as I always do when I'm really mad.

  • And I just filmed it in front of

  • my window with my curtains behind me, and...

  • - So you're telling me that you filmed it

  • under your curtains?

  • - A lot of people think I've,

  • - Wait, well then what the hell am I doing

  • with this (beep) sheet?

  • You really think Brittany wants to be left alone?

  • - No.

  • - So it was just in the moment,

  • It wasn't fake though?

  • - No, it wasn't.

  • - Does the carpet match the (whistle)?

  • - Uh... I have leukemia uh... pubes.

  • So, there's none there.

  • - Got you. - yeah.

  • - Uh... What do you think of Heidi and Spencer?

  • - Heidi is a role model of mine,

  • um... You know, she is the new what is it?

  • (beep)

  • - Oh. - Mother Teresa

  • - Maybe if you were a little more masculine,

  • it would be a little more intimidating

  • when you're telling people to leave someone alone.

  • But, watch it up a little bit.

  • - Leave Brittany alone.

  • Like that?

  • - Well, no, no, that was terrifying.

  • Not a lot of people have left Brittany alone.

  • I actually invited over a famous paparazzo, I know

  • but I think it's good.

  • I think you face your demons, talk to them.

  • This person is very famous for not leaving Brittany alone.

  • Come on in buddy.

  • Darnel was the one that actually took the picture

  • when Brittany was freaking out with the umbrella.

  • - Oh, okay. - Yeah.

  • - He's the one that exposed

  • when she was going through a hard time.

  • - Yes.

  • - I'm so excited.

  • - Well, do,

  • Is there something that you want to tell him?

  • - There's not much I wanna tell him,

  • but there's a lot I wanna do to him

  • - Okay. Well, not, not in my happy tent.

  • Darnel, do you promise not to take

  • any more photos of Brittany?

  • - He better promise

  • - No.

  • - Leave her alone,

  • - Okay,

  • okay guys. - right now.

  • - This was a bad idea.

  • - What are you doing?

  • - That's okay, that's okay.

  • That's actually, that's actually good for my show.

  • It's only good for your show.

  • - I know, but I need the publicity.

  • God, it's been a slow start.

  • Okay, Christine, you need to find someone new.

  • - You're right.

  • - I brought you some wardrobe.

  • - The shirt.

  • - Yeah, do you mind putting that back on?

  • - I don't mind, I'm going to need this.

  • - Okay.

  • - But I'm also, I'm going to need some privacy.

  • - Okay, why?

  • Well, the world wants to know

  • Chris, are you ready to give it another shot?

  • - I'm ready.

  • Leave Brittany alone.

  • Leave her alone.

  • So I know who American needs to leave alone now.

  • - Hand me my bat.

  • - And that is Kate Gosselin.

  • Leave Kate alone right now.

  • If you don't leave her alone, you're gonna have to...

  • (audience laughing and clapping)

  • - Okay,

  • What you have all watched is the first televised snuff film.

  • And like most internet snuff videos,

  • you secretly hope it's real.

  • But it wasn't, it was fake.

  • Chris is a good sport and is standing over there, Chris

  • (audience cheering and clapping)

  • Thank you Chris,

  • take a bow.

  • Or a curtsy.

  • (upbeat music)

  • Our next guest is arguably our most famous redemption.

  • He looks a little different than the first time we saw him.

  • It's Chris Crocker.

  • How are you buddy?

  • - Good, how are you?

  • - Have a seat.

  • Before we begin I want you to know

  • that you are by far and away,

  • my most favorite web redemption that I've ever shot.

  • - Really?

  • - The last time I saw you,

  • you were definitely channeling more your feminine side.

  • - I was gonna get breast implants.

  • The last time you seen me.

  • And I was like, "Before I commit to that,

  • I want to see if I like living as a guy first,

  • before I just make that permanent."

  • - I don't know if I'm late to the game

  • but are you telling me that you're gay?

  • - I think you know that.

  • - What have you been up to you?

  • - I've done a lot.

  • I've been doubling in music.

  • I did a porn.

  • - So you're in film.

  • - I'm in film.

  • So the porn happened

  • because I was in a relationship for three years.

  • I wanted to buy a house.

  • I was like "I'm not gonna make Chris Crocker money forever."

  • What ever the (beep) Chris Cocker money is.

  • So I was like, let's do a porn.

  • - We actually have a scene from it right now,

  • let's take a look.

  • - Is it actually showing a clip?

  • All these girls, these chicks,

  • Kim Kardashians, Paris Hilton.

  • They pretended it was leaked.

  • But because I owned it, that's one reason I wanted to do.

  • I was like, you know what?

  • If I'm going to do this

  • and let the world see me get screwed,

  • I'm going to say I did a porn.

  • - Horrible double standard, is your asshole bleached?

  • - It's not, but it should have been for the porn.

  • But I'm not a bottom.

  • I always say don't be fooled

  • by the limp wrist because my Dick ain't limp.

  • So I'm a top America just so you know,

  • - I think that it's good that we get that out there.

  • Dude, what happened to your chair?

  • (audience laughing)

  • (upbeat music)

  • - That food, food line lay weird it.

  • I says some short central bit it,

  • kratata!

  • Swag bitch.

  • I'm a real (beep) for life.

  • Run up on me, don't sing to the sky (beep).

  • Krratata!

  • (upbeat music)

  • Swear to God, a legend.

  • Take your bitch in here with the, krata!

  • Yeah he's mad?

  • Yeah. You mad.

  • Cause I'm god (beep)

  • kratatata!

  • (soft upbeat music)

  • - Bryan player.

  • - What's good bro?

  • - I wasn't gonna recognize you without the bathroom.

  • This (beep) is nice.

  • - You know how I roll, slide couch.

  • It's a little bubbly.

  • - That's good.

  • Now this ain't no food food lame (beep)

  • - Swag bitch.

  • - So who is Bryan Silver?

  • - Bryan silver is mainly someone who

  • came about when I mainly first got introduced to the block.

  • - Florida's where you, where you got your street cred?

  • - Honestly, I got my street credit in everywhere I go.

  • My mom told me when I was growing up,

  • "Bryan, sooner or later,

  • people will respect you for being a real ass (beep).

  • - That's what your mother said?

  • - That's what my mother told me.

  • - Oh that sweet woman.

  • - Real recognize real,

  • when another real (beep) sees another real (beep),

  • you just know.

  • - Now,

  • not a lot of white people

  • are allowed to use the N word.

  • How did you get your black cred?

  • - Ever since I was eight years old, I've been allowed to,

  • like literally, my (beep) were on the block,

  • flocked around in the truck, you know what I mean?

  • Strides with 38 group rocks in my socks.

  • - You got your nipples are small.

  • - I don't really look at my nipples like that.

  • - I'm just saying, I'm saying like the circumference

  • of the area yours are on aren't very large.

  • That's okay though.

  • - Honestly, I'm lucky to make it past 16.

  • If I didn't get locked up for three years.

  • - Why did you get put in juvie in the first place?

  • - It just all adds up, right now, I got 14 felonies.

  • - Well, we're glad to have you here.

  • - Me too (laughs)

  • - Tell me the story of your tattoo

  • - It's straight gang related.

  • - Okay.

  • - Only God can judge us out,

  • because once you've been through so many

  • difficult times in your life, to where,

  • the only person you had to look up to was yourself,

  • then you start looking at yourself as a god.

  • - So when you say only God can judge,

  • only you can judge?

  • - Exactly.

  • - I got no code.

  • That means do not resuscitate.

  • Just let me die.

  • - (beep) done.

  • Put the Mac to your head.

  • Then you go home.

  • - I'm not afraid to go.

  • - Right so you gotta be TTG trying to go.

  • You know what I mean?

  • It's like, yeah.

  • - How many videos have you made?

  • - I don't even know.

  • It's been countless videos though.

  • - You feel the internet has disrespected you at all?

  • - No, I run the (beep) internet.

  • The, my whole plan is to do

  • is to take over everything.

  • - Like Jay Z?

  • - Not like that.

  • - Okay. - Jay Z is a fufu ass Lang.

  • - Okay.

  • - I rock with film.

  • - Can I ask, did the gay porn, did it pay well or no?

  • - Honestly that (beep) was the lame.

  • Slapping that (beep) like a Slurpee.

  • - What do you think of this season of Louie?

  • Are you liking the show at all or no?

  • - (beep) is that?

  • - It's a TV show on FX.

  • - No, I never seen it.

  • - I need to learn the diddy bop

  • because I'm not doing it properly.

  • I mean, I do a little

  • - What you gotta do is you got to hold up your feet like.

  • - Okay, didn't see this coming.

  • Scott, the cooking cooking is just a little bit.

  • - Put in your microwave, let it cook.

  • - So, microwave? Why is the microwave so high?

  • Microwave is up here.

  • - I don't like that.

  • I like a microwave right here.

  • - I sent some shots at you been it,

  • kratata!

  • - How'd you come up with, krratata!

  • - See, I mean, you gotta think about it when it

  • when a gun spitting it's so, kratata! Krratata!

  • - I've never shot a gun.

  • So don't tell anybody in the streets that

  • bop! bop! Bop!

  • - Or, kratata!

  • - Bop!

  • - Krratata!

  • - Kratata!

  • - Kratata!

  • - What's your second favorite onomatopoeia?

  • Is it like potatoes obratata?.

  • - I don't know (beep) what that is.

  • - Hey Bryan I brought you and your little friend a snack.

  • - Excellent, you put it right there.

  • - God damn Bryan, I didn't know you had shrimp,

  • you're fancy as (beep).

  • - You know how I roll bro,

  • that's swag bitch.

  • - That's a 40 count.

  • Just get a couple of selfies.

  • Lets take one while flexing.

  • Let me feel your muscle.

  • Oh, you're hard as a rock.

  • Feel mine.

  • - Flexy.

  • - It's not, it tickles.

  • - Kra!

  • - Kra!

  • - Kr... I like that.

  • I like that.

  • It's actually beautiful to watch.

  • Well, Bryan, thanks for inviting me on the yatchatta.

  • I know you've only been on it for an hour

  • and you've allowed 40 minutes for vines and selfies,

  • so I'ma get going.

  • I'll see you later, buddy.

  • - Thanks for coming.

  • (upbeat music)

  • - Unfortunately, Brian, couldn't be with us in person

  • because he is in jail.

  • For misdemeanor assault, shoplifting

  • contempt of court, felony, possession of a firearm,

  • abduction by force and intimidation.

  • Sounds like somebody's been a busy little bee.

  • So waste is one phone call on us,

  • please welcome prisoner number four three one eight seven

  • Brian, Krratata

  • Silva.

  • How you doing buddy?

  • - [Brian] Am on top, bro.

  • - How does it feel to be in the hall of fame?

  • - [Brian] Amazing, but at the same time I'm like,

  • "(beep) the fame I just want the checks"

  • Brian, you sound like a horrible person.

  • All right, congratatas.

  • You'll be happy to know that instead of a jacket

  • we're shipping you a green screen jumpsuit.

  • (upbeat music)

  • - I love women.

  • We're such planners.

  • Like right now as you guys sit there, relax,

  • and in front of the TV

  • wondering what she's making you for dinner,

  • your wives are racking up community debt

  • transferring money into a separate bank account.

  • Finally losing that baby weight after nine years,

  • and hooking up with your son's baseball coaches on Facebook.

  • What's the one thing a man needs when he's blindsided

  • by a long planned divorce, a great female attorney.

  • I men's rights attorney Marilyn York.

  • And I represent men in all family law matters.

  • (upbeat music)

  • - I'm asking if you made out with my sister last night.

  • - You mean sister in law,

  • It's your brother's wife.

  • It's not that weird.

  • It's just like normal cheating.

  • And you got over that the six times you know about.

  • - How could you do this to me?

  • - You're being crazy.

  • Are you on your period?

  • - You mother (beep)

  • - Okay, like a good lawyer Marilyn is there.

  • - Bitch I need a few moments with my client

  • (man screaming)

  • - Before we begin.

  • Is this conversation protected

  • under attorney, client privilege?

  • - I'm thinking not just because we're being filmed

  • and you're going to go ahead and air it.

  • So tell him to go off mic, and then we can,

  • if you need some private time.

  • - I will go forward.

  • Where are you from?

  • - From San Jose, California.

  • But I grew up in Reno, Nevada, biggest little city,

  • marriage capital of the world.

  • - Is it the marriage capital?

  • - I think Vegas probably stole it.

  • Still the divorce capital of the world though is Nevada.

  • - Why is that?

  • - We have no waiting period like California.

  • So you can get divorced like (snaps fingers)

  • And for me three divorces, two hours.

  • - Do you ever defend women?

  • - Not on purpose, but we take them by referral

  • and someone has to vouch.

  • They're not like the animal kingdom

  • "eat your young" kind of psycho women.

  • And they usually lie.

  • - Do you feel like you that you've abandoned your uh...

  • - My people?

  • - Your people.

  • - They're not my people, they're evil.

  • And divorce, it brings out the worst in women.

  • We're like insecure naturally, gold digging,

  • money grabbing over protective of the kids.

  • Like "he cheated on me."

  • It's not cheating if you've closed shop for like two years,

  • like you never went down on your husband.

  • It's not cheating.

  • Right? - I think it's still cheating.

  • I think it's still cheating.

  • - No, that's not my rule.

  • - Are you married?

  • - I am, I get married a lot.

  • - How many times?

  • - Four, just got my fourth wedding under my belt.

  • - So you believe in marriage?

  • - I'm good, I take the forever after is out of the vows,

  • so long as we're together,

  • I do pay all the bills and like

  • - Oh really so you're not even marrying up?

  • - No

  • Like you have your job.

  • You're smart.

  • You're successful.

  • I am too.

  • Don't tell me what the (beep) to do.

  • Don't ask what I did today

  • and don't tell me how to spend my money.

  • - You know their passwords?

  • - No.

  • I don't give a (beep)

  • - I like it personally, because it's like

  • "hey check, check that email," maybe

  • "email somebody for me."

  • - But you have like an assistant relationship.

  • I'm like, don't do (beep) for me.

  • Cause then I might owe you.

  • - Would you defend a trans man?

  • - Um... we have actually had one.

  • - Good

  • - And like gay on gay like girl or boy,

  • whoever wears the pants.

  • You make the money.

  • You have the job.

  • You boss her.

  • That's our girl.

  • That's our guy - you guys are tops

  • Yeah, we are tops, no bottoms.

  • - That's a, that's a good slogan.

  • Is "she got fat" grounds for divorce?

  • - When I was in LA, we did prenups

  • and some of the dudes made us put a fat clause in.

  • Where if she gained more than 25 lbs,

  • he was like "you get no money."

  • - Wait wait 25 lbs is that

  • a panel? - like 25 pounds.

  • - With with with no I understand what that stands for.

  • Hold on, let's bet.

  • Let's go back to the part where you didn't think

  • I understood lbs stood for panels.

  • - I was just a little worried.

  • - What if, what if they have a child?

  • - I said that and they're like

  • "I need some time for them to drop them."

  • - They said like six weeks

  • - Six weeks, that's,

  • that's incredible - it's stupid.

  • - I'd think six months.

  • - For me, it was three years of just being a chubby monkey.

  • Oh, it was hideous.

  • This is why I had to switch husbands.

  • - You might have to switch races.

  • - I might have.

  • What makes a good woman, a bad woman?

  • You tell me,

  • you're the one that can't watch the game in your own home.

  • - Do you write your own commercials?

  • - I do, that is the fourth version.

  • The ones you're looking at or like me after market testing

  • on men and them going,

  • "No, you can't say Academy and your ,

  • you can't say sexting.

  • You don't do balls, Marylyn.

  • Like I am trying to hold back.

  • Those are my good girl commercials.

  • - Do a lot of lawyers have a joke tab on their website?

  • - I would say no.

  • - Okay. So you're familiar.

  • This is on your website.

  • The biggest problem I have with this thing is

  • that women only have one leg.

  • - The biggest problem for me is your brain

  • on your penis is way too large.

  • Like shrink it down, shrink it down.

  • And then we're good.

  • - The female brain, driving skills.

  • I get it, haha the joke.

  • You guys don't drive as well.

  • Do you see how small our sex initiator gland is though?

  • - I think women want to have sex more than men.

  • What are your thoughts on that?

  • - I think you need your testosterone checked.

  • - What do you think about the new Ghostbusters movie

  • where they're redoing it with an all female cast?

  • - I'm comfortable with that

  • but those suits are super unflattering.

  • I hope they gave him a little nip tuck,

  • like a little tight like hot bitch kind of look.

  • - It's I don't, you don't know who's being cast?

  • - No. - That's like

  • a couple of big girls.

  • - I like anyone with thighs.

  • - Can women be funny?

  • The answer's yes.

  • - Yeah. - But can

  • attractive women be funny? That's the mystery.

  • Marylyn, you're doing God's work

  • but you're leaving money on the table.

  • It's time for you to be a trailblazer

  • and be the only lawyer who's going

  • after the real cancer in a marriage,

  • the children.

  • - When you got married, you made vows to each other

  • not some science experiment that slid out of your wife

  • - So instead of divorcing each other,

  • divorce the actual problem.

  • Your deadbeat offspring.

  • - At York,

  • - Tosh,

  • - and Matlock we'll beat your kids,

  • - in court.

  • (whoosh)

  • - Thanks to the eight year old crying

  • about the monster under his bed,

  • you have to keep your monster in your pants.

  • - They already destroyed your wife's tits,

  • now they're going to destroy your boner too?

  • - Oh this whining is exactly why we're divorcing you.

  • - Mommy?

  • - Stop calling me mommy.

  • It's Rebecca, now.

  • - Daddy.

  • - Jeff

  • - Say goodbye to wasting another Saturday,

  • standing around watching clumsy children,

  • trip over a soccer ball.

  • - And say hello to getting massages in Vegas.

  • - Do you hear that? That's right. Silence.

  • Thanks to York, Tosh, and Matlock,

  • I live in a clean quiet house.

  • God he was an ugly baby.

  • - Hey sport, forgot your basketball.

  • - And because of Obama and unfair child labor laws

  • it's impossible for kids to chip in

  • and carry their own weight.

  • - For the pricey cost cost to raise one kid,

  • you could have two land rovers,

  • a seven night trip to Paris,

  • two NFL season tickets in the lower bowl,

  • a fishing boat,

  • an extra pair of shoes every year,

  • a subscription to that Hulu no commercials plan,

  • and afford to add avocado to your sandwiches

  • for the rest of your life.

  • - We're at a restaurant

  • that doesn't offer crayons at the table.

  • I don't even remember our son's name

  • - At York, Tosh

  • - and Matlock,

  • we hate your kids even more than you do.

  • - Where the (beep) is Matlock

  • (whoosh)

  • (Latin voiceover)

  • (upbeat music)

  • - I literally left it blank.

  • - You didn't vote for president.

  • - I only did the judge races.

  • I was like "I can't."

  • - You sound like Mitch McConnell.

  • How soon will Donald and Melania get a divorce?

  • - I gotta see the prenup.

  • - Is Trump your dream client?

  • - Oh yeah, for sure.

  • I mean, except that he's hideous.

  • I like to look at a good looking dude like anyone else.

  • - I'd like to exercise my right as a man to talk over you.

  • - Good one.

  • - Are you going to take the vaccine?

  • - I'm not a big vaccine girl.

  • - So you won't take the vaccine.

  • - I probably won't take it no.

  • - Your body, your choice, for now.

  • (upbeat music)

  • - If you want to know how it feels to sit on an elephant,

  • surrounded by beautiful girls.

  • (girls laughing)

  • Yes, it feels great.

  • That is Yotta life.

  • (girls cheering)

  • - I spent a little time with Bastion Yotta,

  • and you may find there's some pretty super feelings

  • behind that Superman costume.

  • He's a businessman, a life coach, a fellow who says,

  • he and his wife came from Germany,

  • to fulfill dreams of their own, to reach greatness.

  • - Don't find yourself, create yourself.

  • You can create yourself to today.

  • A Superman and tomorrow is Batman.

  • And in three days as Mickey mouse, I want you to show, Hey

  • you can have a great lifestyle,

  • but with the value of the message.

  • You had can have fun.

  • - But some neighbors around here apparently

  • have some serious feelings about the Yottas.

  • This has been known as a party house in the past.

  • Sometimes rented by celebrities.

  • Some neighbors tell me

  • parties are poured out onto the streets.

  • - Everything is possible.

  • And if it's a dream you had as a little child,

  • it's never too, too late to make it come true.

  • (doorbell rings)

  • - Hi.

  • I'm Daniel.

  • I'd like to move in.

  • - Sorry buddy we don't accept male students.

  • (doorbell rings)

  • - Yes.

  • - Hi,

  • - Hi, I'm Danielle, I'm here to move in.

  • - Another beautiful lady wants to learn the Yotta life.

  • - Come in and join us.

  • - Thank you. - Let's go.

  • - My disguise is working.

  • Bastian and Maria, thank you,

  • for inviting me here.

  • - Welcome. - You're welcome.

  • - Where are you from?

  • - Born and raised in Germany, in Munich.

  • - Are you married?

  • - We are not married, but we realized

  • that if you name a girl, your girlfriend

  • it's nothing worse really, it has no value.

  • So we named her, I named her, my wife.

  • And so it's just to protect our relationship, but uh...

  • - I named her, my wife too.

  • - (laughs loudly) Yeah. That's good.

  • Yeah.

  • - Are you in an open relationship?

  • - No closed, so closed, yet virtual

  • - How, how's that work with so many beautiful women around?

  • - If you are, in a closed relationship

  • and you have the most beautiful wife in the world,

  • I don't care about other girls.

  • - All right, do people still want you out of here or?

  • Cause there's people complaining about the parties

  • and all this stuff.

  • - In the last four years he has received 96 calls to police,

  • - I heard about a complaints.

  • I never met a person in real who was complaining.

  • - Well that's because everybody in Los Angeles is fake,

  • are nice to your face. - Yeah.

  • - How many months have you been here?

  • Oh, we moved to LA December, 2014.

  • - What's the rent here?

  • - Uh... 35,000 a month.

  • Yeah. It must work hard for that.

  • - What, what, what do you do for a living?

  • Besides just being good looking?

  • - Well, thank you so much.

  • Yeah. I have a couple of companies.

  • So what I do, I make ideas happen.

  • - What's your net worth?

  • - My goal is to bring my networth

  • over 1 billion in the next two years.

  • - Next two years, over 1 billion.

  • - Yes.

  • - Explain to me what Yotta stands for.

  • - Yotta is the highest in the metric system.

  • It starts with Skylar.

  • 1000 MEGA, ten to the power of six,

  • and yotta is the highest in the metric system.

  • What means uh... live your life at your fullest potential.

  • - I don't understand it at all.

  • Why don't you teach men?

  • - I don't want fat, ugly guys lying around.

  • - You don't have to, you don't have to point,

  • but I know what you're saying.

  • - I love to be surrounded by beautiful girls,

  • so it makes fun, we have fun.

  • - You like to be surrounded by beautiful girls?

  • - Yes, I love it,

  • so

  • - What's the clothing policy in the pool?

  • Is nudity encouraged?

  • - No Is we all way bikini.

  • - All wear bikini, yeah.

  • - Very tasteful.

  • - You have to always be classy, and

  • - Speaking of classy, a lot of the Instagram photos,

  • always like showing your butt.

  • - Do you know the story of the butt?

  • - No, - I'll tell you.

  • - I wanna hear the story of the butt.

  • - If we have been together for two weeks.

  • And we have been in the bedroom,

  • and she was dancing and showing me her body.

  • And I said, well, Maria, can you do me one favor?

  • please turn off the light because it looks so ugly.

  • And she was really like, "What?"

  • I said okay, I will show you something.

  • And it switched on all lights and made a pic of her butt.

  • - Why did your ass look so bad?

  • - She never worked out.

  • - Never

  • - Just do for four weeks what I'm telling you.

  • Eat clean, drink water, protein, workout,

  • and after four weeks we did the same pic.

  • - What's the best piece of advice

  • you can give someone who's trying to live the Yotta life.

  • - Three things, first,

  • what means your personal yotta life figured out,

  • create an on detailed version of your perfect life.

  • Second thing, make it happened and don't be afraid to fail.

  • Make yourself believe say it's possible, okay

  • - And the third thing, start now.

  • Now not tomorrow.

  • Not next week.

  • Not next, start now. Now.

  • - Yeah, I like to put things off.

  • - Danielle, are you ready to meet the yotta girls?

  • - Hello? Hi.

  • How are you?

  • - Oh, you're poking me, what is that?

  • - Sorry, that is my tampon it must be slipping out.

  • - Shooting women with my bow and arrow.

  • It's my favorite trust exercise.

  • - Oh woo... That didn't hurt,

  • because I don't have a penis, Maria.

  • - Danielle would be much prettier.

  • If she didn't have such a hairy face.

  • - Danielle, you want to have some sushi?

  • - I would love to

  • - But we did only the traditional way,

  • off six nude models.

  • - That is lovely, lets just get a little soy sauce here

  • and fill that up, there we go.

  • Do it all sabi, here we go and mix that up.

  • Hey, here we go.

  • - Well, I am absolutely not threatened by Danielle.

  • So I've seen the best and checked her out

  • but she has absolutely no ass she needs to work out.

  • - What's the best exercise I can do for a stronger pussy.

  • Because again, I'm a woman, not a guy.

  • - You must feel the pressure here, do you feel it?

  • - I do.

  • - Press harder.

  • - That's as hard as I can press.

  • - You can take a money bath.

  • - Okay if you need a real bath,

  • you should really consider switching to plastic.

  • - And now say out loud,

  • "I am a perfect woman."

  • - [Ladies] I am a perfect woman.

  • - Say it louder.

  • - [Ladies] I am a perfect woman.

  • - With a little training,

  • and a huge breast augmentation,

  • Danielle, can go on to do great things.

  • - Wow.

  • - What did I learn about Yotta life?

  • Well, it's almost definitely an excuse to trick some sevens

  • into thinking you're hot (beep),

  • and I couldn't be more down.

  • So I quit my job advice

  • and decided to remain at the Yotta mansion, forever.

  • (upbeat music)

  • - Hi, Danielle,

  • - Mr. Yotta, you haven't changed a bit,

  • God, you are beautiful.

  • - Where is your smoking hot super young wife Anney?

  • - Divorced, dead baby Yoda, Yoda, Yoda.

  • I hear you're a single man yourself these days.

  • What happened to you and Maria?

  • - We got separated,

  • - I'm sorry to hear about that.

  • - Well, everybody's happier.

  • So she is happy, I'm happy and that's all that matters here.

  • But we have been more like a team

  • more like brothers and sisters

  • - But brothers and sisters that you've had sex with.

  • - (laughs) yes, that's true.

  • - That is amazing.

  • - That's really amazing but uh... yeah.

  • - Did you ask for any of her implants back or no?

  • - She, you won't believe it,

  • she

  • reduced the size

  • of her breasts.

  • She made it smaller.

  • Can you imagine that?

  • - God damn! Do you want to be married?

  • - I do want yes, down the road definitely,

  • with the right one, yeah.

  • - And how young will the right one be?

  • - Guess, what is the age difference between my ex,

  • and my ex ex?

  • - Two years?

  • - No, 27,

  • - 27.

  • - So my ex was 19 and my ex ex was 46.

  • - And which one did you have better sexual chemistry with?

  • - It was the younger one, yeah.

  • - Yeah.

  • Yeah. 2018.

  • This is the year for you.

  • - Yeah.

  • - 2017, you had a few hardships.

  • - Well, in 2017, I had five attempts against my life.

  • - Like legitimate attempts? - Yeah.

  • Not just people online saying I wanna kill you?

  • - Oh no, no, no.

  • We had a home invasion where a knife attack

  • we had a shooting, somebody broke into the mansion

  • and brought poison snakes into my AC...

  • - They put poison snakes in your AC?

  • - And you know what?

  • The first time, I almost my pants,

  • the second time, you're scared,

  • the third time, you're just like, "Okay, who's next?"

  • And after five attempts, you say, okay.

  • - No one can kill me, I'm invincible.

  • - I feel like I said, yes exactly.

  • - Do you sleep with a gun under your pillow?

  • - No, my protection is my positive mind.

  • We have some security systems for sure.

  • Nobody knows where I do live now.

  • I keep it private.

  • - Malibu - So I'll just mention.

  • Yeah, (laughs).

  • - It sure was great catching up with you, bro.

  • See you at the 50th.

  • - Deal, I'll be there.

  • - (sighs) It's the coolest thing I've ever done.

  • (upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

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始まりとこれから - Tosh.0 (How It Started vs. How It’s Going - Tosh.0)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 02 月 19 日
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