ハリウッド・スケッチ - キー＆ピール (The Hollywood Sketches - Key & Peele)

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- I'm an actor!
I'm a (bleep) actor!
I'm a real actor!
I did Richard III!
I was in True West with Sherman Hemsley!
I was in Die Hard, dammit!
(bleep) Steve Urkel (bleep).
- You will suck Steve Urkel's (bleep)
if we want you to.
You will suck his (bleep), do you understand?
He is our bread and butter, you mother (bleep).
♪ Crazy, crazy ♪
♪ Does is crazy. ♪
(old western music)
- You sold me out, son.
Now you're going to end up with a bullet
in your head for it.
- You can't play me, mother (bleep).
I'm a mother (bleep) that plays mother (bleep),
mother (bleep).
- Cut.
(bell rings)
- [Crew Member] All right, everybody, let's get reset.
We are going again.
- Nigel. That's great.
- Oh, great. It's smashing.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, well, it's been an absolute honor,
and what a great opportunity to be here to be able
to play an American tough--
- Well, I'm just so glad that we got you out
of that BBC commitment
so you can play with us.
- Cheers mate. Cheers.
Cheers.
- Antoine, listen, I'm just not buying
that you're someone that was born
and raised in the streets of Brooklyn.
- That's weird 'cause I actually was born
and raised in the streets of Brooklyn.
I was in a gang and everything.
Most of this stuff actually happened to me.
- Wow.
Okay. Well, that's great for us,
'cause I want you to use it, okay?
It was a good first take.
Let's just,
let's get going.
Let's get going.
Thank you, Jim.
- Scene five, take two.
(bell rings)
- [Jim] And action!
- You sold me out, son.
Now son now you're going to end up with a bullet
in your head for it.
- You can't play me mother (bleep).
I'm the mother (bleep) that plays mother (bleep),
mother (bleep).
- Cut.
Cut.
Okay. Nigel, that was great.
Brilliant.
Just the way you move,
especially when you talk,
I just really see this character coming to life
before my eyes.
It's fabulous. - Cheers, mate.
Cheers. - It's fabulous.
Antoine, your performance,
it's just not quite there yet, okay?
I really need to see you make more of a transformation.
Okay?
Like Nigel here.
- That dude's British.
- Antoine, if I might jump in with a bit of advice.
- I don't think I need that.
- No, no, no. Look, hear him out.
- Maybe you might want to try thinking of something
in the material
that's similar to something that's happened
in your real life.
For me, for instance,
I like to think of when me mum wanted me
to attend prep school in Leeds to become a barrister,
but I wanted to study the theater at Oxford.
- Thank God.
- And so that was a conundrum, really, for me.
- I'm gonna stop you right there,
'cause it's just confusing me.
Right?
Like I don't need that,
'cause I am from the streets.
I was in a gang.
They told me to kill my cousin.
- It might be a bit spot on, no?
- Yeah. It's a bit spot on.
Do you have any stories that involve your mum?
- What's a mum?
- Oh, dear.
- Scene five, take three.
(bell rings) Okay.
- Antoine, remember, you're a gangster.
Okay?
Betrayal.
The streets.
Okay? Nigel you're perfect.
Antoine, transform.
And action!
- You sold me out, son.
Now you're going to get a bullet up in your head for it.
- You can't play me mother (bleep).
I'm the mother (bleep) that plays mother (bleep),
mother (bleep).
- He's boring to watch.
Cut.
- That does not sound good.
- Antoine, I do not feel
like you have found the emotional core of this character.
- Man (bleep) this.
Nobody is more real to me. Okay?
I come from the streets,
and nobody's going to tell me what the streets is like.
Nobody. You understand?
- That's a great speech.
I just wish that I believed it.
You wanna give it a shot?
- Sure, I'll have a go.
Man (bleep) this.
I'm as real as it gets. - Yes!
- This (bleep) streets is for real.
I'm up in there, man. - You are.
- I'm (bleep) from the (bleep),
from the Earth from the streets.
Something to that defense, yes.
- No, but I'm so with you.
I'm with you when you say that,
even when you're saying the wrong words.
I just wish you could do that.
- You know what?
(Jim groans)
- Oh, goodness.
- Okay. That hurts.
But I don't feel that it comes
from the right emotional place for the character.
All right? Here, give it a shot.
Watch. Watch.
(Jim groans)
That's great.
I feel that in here and in here.
- That's very gracious of-- - In my heart.
- To say that. - Try that again.
(Jim groans)
I just,
I don't believe you.
- Call my agent.
(phone rings)
- Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man.
- What up, Clyde.
Hey, look, man, I'm going to be real with you, okay?
This Alien Boys script.
I'm not feeling it.
I mean, it's hard being Will Smith's son.
I just want to make sure my next project
reflects I'm a down to earth, normal kid.
Am I making any sense?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm reading you loud and clear.
I've got a script right here,
very real, called "Street Ball."
- Talk to me.
- Okay. So you play Tony.
He's a kid from the streets, lives in the hood,
in a house with his mom.
- Stop.
House?
- Oh, it's like a tiny mansion.
- Got it. Go on.
- So his mom and he,
they live in this house and she works at a supermarket.
- Stop!
- [Clyde] Oh, yeah.
A supermarket's like a mansion,
but it's full of food and anyone could go there.
- So like where the butlers go?
- [Clyde] Yeah, basically.
So, he--
- And wait,
you said his mom was doing something at the supermarket?
- Working.
- So.
- Well, working is kind of like acting
on a set every day in a film that no one's ever gonna see,
and it lasts for the rest of your life.
- Oh, like a maid?
- [Clyde] Yeah. Yeah.
She's like the maid of the supermarket.
Awesome. Continue.
- So, anyway, Tony doesn't make the basketball team.
Right?
So he decides to start playing pickup games
of street ball outside.
- So he plays basketball in his plane?
- [Clyde] No, on the ground.
- In his limo?
- No, outside is that stuff that goes by
when you're inside the limo.
- Oh snap. He plays basketball outside the limo door?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So then he gets really good at basketball,
and, then, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
fast forward, at the heart of the story,
Tony has to choose
between his mom-- - Choose?
- Yeah, choose is when you have to make a decision
between two things you want,
but you can have only one.
- But
there's two.
- Yeah.
But, I mean, he can't have both.
- What did I say about science fiction, Clyde?
It's a no.
- Okay. We'll pass.
(Clyde sneezes)
- Dad bless you. - Thanks.
- Okay, guys, Gremlins 2.
I'm telling you,
this movie should write itself.
First one was a classic,
this should be pretty straightforward.
Basically, all we're doing is maintaining the integrity
of the original picture.
We want to do all this stuff with the water,
and the...
Can we help you?
- Oh, sorry.
Let me introduce myself.
Hi, y'all, my name is Star Magic Jackson Jr.
I'm the Hollywood Sequel Doctor.
So studios just brings me in to oversee things
when they about to drop a deuce.
So that's why I'm here,
but don't mind me.
I'm just going to be over here.
Y'all do your thing.
It's your movie.
- Okay.
Let's brainstorm.
Adam?
- If it's gonna take place in an office building,
I was thinking what if Gizmo
gets too wet from the water cooler this time?
- Okay. Hold on a second.
I'm sorry. I'm going to have to step in here.
Just one second, sweetheart.
So what's wrong with y'all?
Y'all looking like a bunch of sad sacks.
This is G2, people.
We're writin' Gremlins 2,
It should be a party with pizza and anchovies,
pineapple.
Just come on, lift up the spirits.
Look, okay,
I'm gonna put a little bit of spice into the mixture here.
What if we did this?
Everybody here gets to design their own Gremlin.
- I don't see that the Gremlin design is broken.
- It's called brainstorming.
I'm brain drizzlin', sweet pea.
Okay? Shut your mouth for a second.
- Look, here's the thing,
none of this is final.
- So you mean like what if there was like a brainy Gremlin?
(Key laughs)
- A brainy Gremlin.
- You talking about a gremlin with glasses
who could talk and sing "New York, New York?"
That's brilliant.
It's in the movie. Done.
- Whoa. Whoa.
You said that nothing was final.
- That was before I heard the words
brainy and Gremlin in the same sentence together.
It's done. I love it.
It's in the movie. Next.
What about a spider Gremlin?
- You mean a Gremlin with eight legs
and the thorax just catching pretty ladies
in a web in an office building?
Oh my God. It's in the movie.
I love it.
Next.
- What about a bat Gremlin?
- You mean a gremlin with leathery wings
just flying around, flip-flopping, bust through a wall,
make a perfect bat symbol in the wall,
get outside, get in some wet concrete,
jump up on a building,
and just dry in place like a gargoyle Gremlin?
We are cooking with gas now.
I love it.
It's in the movie. Next.
- Could there be a female Gremlin?
- Just lipstick, boobies, bitch.
You have me a little Gremlin vajayjay.
I love it so much that it's not only in the movie,
but it's definitely in the movie.
There's no backsies on that one.
No penny taxies.
Yes! Yes!
Yes, in the movie! Done.
That's why we need a woman in the writer's room.
Next.
- I don't know.
A googly-eyed Gremlin?
- But you do know,
because you talkin' about a gremlin
whose sole purpose in this film
is just that he looks stupid as (bleep),
yes, it can be in the movie
and it is in the movie.
Done. Next.
What about you, Silver Fox?
- Electricity Gremlin?
- You just said noun and Gremlin
like you playing Mad Libs.
You're just like a child.
You have the brain of a child.
You do not have a high IQ,
but you haphazardly came up a Gremlin
that's just made out of bolts
that zigzagging all over the room
and it's done completely in animation.
You a crazy person,
and your idea's in the movie.
Done. Next.
- Can we put the Hulkster in it?
- What?
You talking about putting Hulk Hogan,
professional wrestler turned actor,
turned cultural icon,
in the movie,
where he break the fourth wall of the movie he's in
by talking to the audience.
You sir, are a raging psychopath.
Don't let this town take that away from you.
(upbeat electronic music)
That's it. I don't even care anymore.
We got the Hulkster in this bitch. So it's done.
I don't have any more time.
So let me just recap right now.
It's brainy Gremlin, spider Gremlin, bat Gremlin,
lady Gremlin, googly-eyed Gremlin,
electricity Gremlin,
Hulk Hogan's gonna be in this bitch too.
I'm gonna throw in a Gremlin myself.
Vegetable Gremlin.
Just write it up.
I'm having so much fun. - Why not?
- Thank you. It's all going to be in the actual film.
Now I gotta go put some cowboys in Back to the Future 3.
Sayonara, y'all.
Oops.
(upbeat electronic music)
(writers applaud)
- No. Okay.
You guys know that none of that
is gonna be in the actual movie?
(upbeat electronic music)
(Gene snorts)
- Let me go!
This is bull (bleep), Gene.
- What's the matter, Reg?
- In the next episode,
Steve Urkel turns Carl into a giant sandwich
and accidentally eats him?
(Gene laughs)
- Well, wait. That's hilarious, buddy..
It's hilarious.
- Come on! I'm an actor, Gene!
This was supposed to be about me and my family.
- I know.
But, you know, after that first guest spot with Steve Urkel,
I mean, America fell in love with him, man.
We had to make him a regular.
And, you know, hey, listen.
He's the star of the shown now, sweetheart.
We gotta play ball, bubala.
- Don't you dare bubala me, Gene.
Now, last week, Steve used his transformation machine
to turn Carl into a car
and drive them around the Monaco Grand Prix?
Come on!
How many times are you going to use
this transformation machine?
This was supposed to be a blue-collar Cosby Show.
Now you're turning it into goddamn Quantum Leap.
Who writes this (bleep)?
- I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to. Okay?
We got like 21 writers up there. Okay?
You know what I'm saying, Reginald?
But you and I both know
that they don't decide what happens in the show, okay?
We both know who decides what happens in the show.
- Two weeks ago,
Steve Urkel used his invisibility Ray on Carl
and I wasn't even in the goddamn episode,
it was just my voice.
- Yes, I know. I know, Reg.
And I'm sorry. I (bleep) apologize.
It will never happen again.
- Then Steve uses this voice changing Ray
to turn Carl into a high-pitched nerdy voice.
Who do you think provided the voice for that?
- Don't get too feisty on me now, Reg.
Let's not go down that path. Okay?
- Oh, oh, we have going down that path, Gene.
In a couple of weeks, Harriette, Eddie, Laura, Grandma,
Aunt Rachel,
Little Richie,
and the other little kid are gonna get teleported
to another dimension,
and then Steve injects Carl with his own DNA,
so Carl turns into another Steve Urkel.
That's two Steve Urkels,
and no family,
on a show called Family Matters!
How the (bleep) does that work?
- Listen. Listen, Reg, I don't know what to tell ya.
Urkelmania is unstoppable. Okay?
He's a phenomenon.
There's nothing we can do about, okay?
It's up to
him.
- No, no, no, no, no!
I'm an actor! I'm a (bleep) actor!
I'm a real actor.
I did Richard III!
I was in True West with Sherman Hemsley!
I was in Die Hard, dammit!
(bleep) Steve Urkel (bleep)!
- You will suck Steve Urkel's (bleep) if we want you to.
You will suck his (bleep), do you understand?
He is our bread and butter, you mother (bleep)!
I am high on cocaine!
- I'm a (bleep) actor, Gene!
I've done more cocaine than you weigh, mother (bleep).
- I'm gonna tell you what you are, Reginald Velijohnson,
you're a (bleep) pawn
in that nerd's game!
You are a (bleep) pawn!
Do you think I have any power over what that monster does?
Any power at all?
(Reginald screams)
- I am the Senior President of Development
for the American--
- Gene?
Gene?
Gene, what's become of you, Gene?
- I
am nothing.
- Gene, I don't know what you mean by that, Gene,
but you make you scaring me.
No, no, don't do anything crazy, Gene.
Everyone does too much coke sometimes,
but just,
what are you going to do with the gun, Gene?
What are you going to do?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We can talk this through.
Okay.
- The King is dead.
Long live the King.
- No, no, no, no!
(bullet fires)
(door creaks)
- Did I do that?
(ominous horn music)
- Jaleel.
- Jaleel? There is no Jaleel.
Only Steve.
It's always been Steve.
- Yipee-ki-yay, mother (bleep)!
(Reginald cries)
- Forgetting something, Carl?
- Don't you come near me.
Stay away from me, you hear?
- Could've all been so simple, Carl.
Just say your lines and take the money.
- You're a monster!
What are you doing?
I can't control.
- Am I doing this?
- No, no,
no, no, no, no!
Steve, I'll do anything!
- You will do what I want on Family Matters.
- Yes.
Of course, Steve.
- See you on set, Carl.
(Reginald cries)
- Get out of my house, Steve!
(horn blares)
- Hello, everyone.
I'm Joseph Carmichael.
Otis is,
was my father,
but we are not here today to mourn his death,
but to celebrate his life.
We knew Otis as a teacher,
a community leader, a role model,
a husband, and a father.
Now, I thought it would be nice
to share something about him
y'all may not have known.
When my father was younger,
he was an actor in Hollywood.
Going through my dad's things,
I found this real of his work as an actor.
I haven't seen it yet,
but I thought it would be fun to watch
here with all of you today.
(film reel ticks)
- Where are my pies?
Ribbles, where are the pies I put on my windowsill?
- Why I don't know, Mrs. Caruthers.
Why would anyone wanna steal
one of your delicious blueberry pies?
- Hey, see to it that you shine those shoes up nice, boy.
- Yes, sir.
You best be believing I will.
I'll shine your shoes blacker than my momma's booty.
(attendees gasp)
(Otis laughs)
(Otis screams)
(Otis grunts)
- Oh, hell nah!
(Otis screams)
(film reel ticks)
- In 1964, my father marched with Martin Luther King Jr.
and Harry Belafonte,
along with other renowned civil rights leaders.