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  • (rock music)

  • >>: Hey, everybody it's your favorite burping girl.

  • And today we're at the grocery store

  • and we're going to be burping on your grocery.

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • I smell like a good old fart.

  • (rock music)

  • (soft music)

  • My morning coffee is kicking in.

  • I'm going to have to drop anchor real soon.

  • It's never easy to find a bathroom at a grocery store.

  • It's usually behind a butcher counter for some reason,

  • we're probably not allowed to use it in Gilead.

  • We can't do anything except when we need to

  • move the story along,

  • then somehow we get away with everything.

  • (burps)

  • (screams)

  • >>: I didn't do anything you old cow.

  • >>: I'm off Tom Brady, but you can call me Andrea.

  • >>: Nice to meet you.

  • Are you new? >>: Yes.

  • >>: So how long have you been making burp videos?

  • >>: A little over a year.

  • >>: Why? >>: 'Cause I'm freaky.

  • >>: Okay. Do you only burp in public?

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • (bleep)

  • >>: I burp and I fat, I gag and spit,

  • just everything that's gross with everybody.

  • >>: Okay. >>: Burping girl is a fetish.

  • It's also comedy and it's like the wow factor.

  • So I cater for all three.

  • >>: Have you always been good at burping?

  • >>: I'm good at being a fat girl.

  • >>: Ohh. (burps)

  • (farts)

  • >>: Do you not eat healthy? >>: No.

  • >>: What's your favorite meal? >>: Pizza.

  • >>: What kind of quantity are we talking about?

  • >>: Like two medium pizza as--.

  • >>: Two mediums? >>: Yeah

  • >>: I never understand people that buy two mediums.

  • Why not just probably two larges?

  • >>: You get $5.99 If you buy two from Domino's.

  • >>: Domino's pizza,

  • their whole advertising campaign for the past six years

  • has been apologizing for how horrible their pizza is.

  • It's a weird strategy.

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • (bleep)

  • Do you ever say, excuse me in your videos?

  • >>: Sometimes I do, but I don't mean it.

  • >>: I can't guess your age.

  • >>: I'm 14. >>: What?

  • >>: I'm 29, but 14 in fetish years.

  • >>: How many fetishes are you into?

  • >>: Gassy girl, I like fore skin.

  • I like musty boys, blowjobs for sure.

  • >>: Okay. Tell me about your greatest burp.

  • Sorry there is a blow over that blow job.

  • >>: My greatest burps are the ones

  • that make my eyes roll back.

  • (burps)

  • >>: You ever try harmonizing your burps?

  • >>: No. >>: We could do it together.

  • (both burping)

  • >>: That was music. >>: Normally it's sick.

  • You were born a boy. >>: Yeah.

  • >>: Does that take away some of the allure of being

  • such an amazing burper. People like,

  • well, of course you're such a good burper because most born

  • females aren't good burpers. Would you say that's true?

  • >>: Well, Hormones have taken every testosterone

  • out of my body. So these aren't girl burps.

  • >>: Have you had a... (whistles)

  • >>: If I did then I wouldn't be a fetish.

  • >>: Have you ever thought of maybe having the surgery,

  • so that you could get into the queefing fetish?

  • >>: If I had somebody to pay for it? Yes.

  • (farts)

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • >>: Are you dating that. Can I talk--

  • >>: I'm married, to a woman.

  • >>: Was she born a woman? >>: Maybe.

  • >>: Okay. That's not, that's not,

  • I don't--sometimes I don't know what questions

  • I ask are inappropriate.

  • If you don't want to share that, that's fine.

  • >>: Well, let's just say it's beef, but it smells like fish.

  • (sighs)

  • >>: Yeah. >>: That is disgusting.

  • (soft music)

  • Oh, shit.

  • Are any of the handmaids wearing this like this?

  • (burps)

  • (all) Nasty bitch. (burps)

  • (all) Nasty bitch. (burps)

  • (all) Nasty bitch.

  • >>: So, look at this. I mean, come on, Gilead.

  • >>: Ow. >>: Do you like potatoes?

  • >>: Not ones that look like ball sacks, No.

  • >>: What's your preferred style of French fry?

  • >>: I like curly.

  • >>: Curly is the right answer.

  • >>: Whoo, I love her curly fry,

  • almost makes me consider going back to Arby's.

  • That sounds good. Doesn't it?

  • Oh, I miss Arby's, Goddamn you Gilead.

  • Who is that gross guy that allows you to burp in his mouth

  • in your videos? (burps)

  • >>: My ex-boyfriend. He wanted to get back with me.

  • So he'll say he'd do anything for me.

  • >>: That was so freaking hot.

  • (burps)

  • (burps)

  • >>: What grosses you out?

  • >>: Poop.

  • >>: Poop grosses you out?

  • >>: I'll poop on somebody.

  • I just don't want nobody to poop on me.

  • >>: Has there ever been a video where you're like,

  • "Oh, man, I wish I wouldn't have done that."

  • >>: The grocery store video.

  • 'Cause it went viral, the clip.

  • I was burping on groceries, on boxes,

  • but the internet took it as I was tampering with food,

  • getting my germs all over it.

  • >>: Oh, I certainly didn't look at it that way.

  • I mean, just, just, just talking over groceries

  • is going to get your germs and stuff.

  • >>: You don't need the box.

  • (laughs)

  • >>: Yeah.

  • You get it. Let me check my list.

  • Unlabeled juice. I need a couple potatoes,

  • grab one more thing for my commander

  • and we get out of here.

  • Oh, I'm sad.

  • Samples.

  • Jeez.

  • Oh, those are good.

  • Oh, Gilead, I just got a little bit spicy

  • and now the trade of Josey is carrying

  • the new flaming hot Doritos.

  • Just make sure you wash your hand

  • before you give your commander a handy.

  • Learned that the hard way.

  • >>: Quick, you have to come with me.

  • I'm with the resistance.

  • We're sneaking you across the border to Canada.

  • >>: Canada? (bleep) that.

  • I'd rather be on the wall.

  • >>: Yay, Canada. I love putting burps.

  • (burps)

  • >>: So sick of people telling me how cool to run away.

  • (bleep), it sucks.

  • (chokes)

  • >>: I couldn't help but wonder, was Canada even for me?

  • Or would I miss it here.

  • Did I love big or did I just love being comfortable?

  • Oh, shit. I'm doing a sex in the city monologue now.

  • (audience clapping)

  • >>: Welcome to sex talk with my mom.

  • Today we are together and we're doing...

  • (sings)

  • A sperm test.

  • >>: 'Cause it always comes down to Kim's

  • premature ejaculation issues.

  • (mumbles)

  • >>: You bring it there.

  • People are going into the--

  • >>: People are going into the bath and enjoying.

  • Are you kidding me?

  • You're not going to be the dummy, you're gonna be the sub.

  • >>: (laughs) Okay, mother.

  • I will come so quickly.

  • (laughs)

  • ...walking on the streets, just, coming in your pants down.

  • (rock music)

  • >>: That's a good point but it's not like

  • you can unbreak a hymen.

  • >>: Mom, I didn't break the hymen.

  • I guess you could say a lot about prolapsing the hard way.

  • >>: Are you talking about the pink sac?

  • >>: Ew!

  • >>: That's scatting.

  • It's not just for Germans anymore.

  • >>: Mom, when was scatting ever for Germans?

  • (knock at door) Come in.

  • >>: Hey Daniel. Thanks for coming on the podcast.

  • >>: Oh, I've never been asked to be on a podcast before.

  • Oh, this is so nice.

  • >>: Normally, guests sit in the chair over here.

  • >>: If this bed could talk.

  • Guys, thank you for inviting me into your home.

  • Lovely. >>: Welcome.

  • >>: Where are you from?

  • >>: Chicago originally, but I moved here two years ago.

  • >>: Why?

  • >>: I have a boyfriend that lives here.

  • >>: You have a boyfriend?

  • How does that make your father and husband feel.

  • >>: He was murdered, unfortunately.

  • >>: Holy shit! This started off. >>: Yeah, it got real dark.

  • >>: How far in the past is that?

  • We're not leaving it just yet.

  • >>: It's 12 years? >>: Yeah, 12 years.

  • >>: God, I'm horribly sorry. >>: Thank you.

  • >>: So you guys have a podcast for people

  • that like to have sex with their moms.

  • >>: No!

  • >>: Sex talk with my mom.

  • That's in another words, we're opening communication

  • between children and their parents about sex.

  • >>: Do you know a lot of people who wanna have sex

  • with their mother? >>: That's what I was thinking.

  • I was like, how many people in this country?

  • 'Cause you have a lot of viewers.

  • >>: Yeah, we have a ton of viewers.

  • >>: And all of them wanna have sex with their mom.

  • >>: No. >>: No.

  • >>: All of them want to have sex with your mom.

  • >>: No. >>: Well, perhaps some.

  • >>: Yeah, kinda.

  • >>: Whose idea was it to do the podcast

  • and how long have you been doing it?

  • >>: She wrote a book called

  • "The Cougar's Guide to Getting Your Ass Back Out There."

  • >>: Yeah, and I started a YouTube channel,

  • which was mainly to help other women

  • going through being single again.

  • And it turned out there were just a bunch of horny guys

  • who just like, wanted to know cougars.

  • >>: How did you end up, uh...

  • you know. >>: With this guy?

  • >>: Yeah, bringing him into the mix?

  • >>: Well, I was doing standup for the time.

  • >>: And he read passages out of it.

  • >>: This is from a chapter called,

  • Release Your Inner Stripper.

  • I was like, well, we're using the same material,

  • why don't we just like collaborate?

  • >>: Are you the only sibling?

  • >>: No. >>: No, there are two.

  • >>: Is the other one jealous of your relationship?

  • >>: It's a good question.

  • >>: I don't think either of them really want

  • that relationship with her.

  • >>: I always grew up my relationship with my mother

  • totally comfortable with her making out

  • with my dad or whatever.

  • Like it never grossed me out.

  • Does it bother you to think of your mother

  • as a sexual person?

  • >>: No, I'd hope she's having a robust sex life.

  • >>: Oh, she is. >>: Yeah.

  • More robust than my own, actually.

  • (all laughing)

  • All right, let's take a few calls.

  • >>: Okay.

  • (man on phone) Is this boy gonna bang his mom or what?

  • >>: The mother and son porn genre is booming.

  • Are there offers for you two to put out a sex tape?

  • >>: No. >>: No.

  • What type of porn do you like?

  • >>: I like stills on Instagram of my exes.

  • (laughing)

  • Do you find that sex has gotten better

  • as you've aged? >>: Absolutely.

  • I invented the word Cougar to be a confident,

  • older, unique, genuine, assertive, and racy woman.

  • >>: I hate acronyms.

  • >>: Oh, I like that one though.

  • If you say cougar,

  • you get this image of this predatory being.

  • I don't wanna think that.

  • >>: When I think of cougar, I think of an older woman

  • who wants to bang younger dudes.

  • >>: That's why I wanted to do the acronym.

  • >>: I know, but the acronym is so long,

  • I don't remember one of the letters.

  • >>: Confident. >>: And then I've learned

  • to spell with acronyms, which I'm not good at either.

  • (woman on phone) Hi. This is a question for Cam.

  • Can you talk in a girl's voice?

  • I'm having a real hard time finishing.

  • (man on phone) Hey Karen,

  • how about you let me in your butt.

  • >>: I mean, how many topics can there actually be to discuss?

  • >>: It never ends.

  • One guy actually offered to have me shit in the toilet

  • and then he was gonna eat it

  • and he was gonna give me three grand.

  • >>: When? Yeah, yeah, okay. So you did that.

  • >>: No, I did not. >>: You wanted four grands?

  • >>: Yes, I did, what do you think, I'm cheap?

  • >>: Three grands is not cheap. >>: I would have done it.

  • >>: What do you think your shit's worth?

  • >>: Probably a good 50 bucks.

  • >>: Have you ever seen your mother naked?

  • >>: No, I haven't seen.... >>: No!

  • ...you naked. >>: Maybe when I was

  • a little baby.

  • >>: I remember looking at my mom's shirt before.

  • I can remember like, "Oh, I remember seeing her nipple."

  • >>: Were you excited by that?

  • >>: No, but I remember thinking like,

  • do all women's nipples look like that, you know.

  • >>: Wait, wait, what is this? >>: That was the nipple,

  • that was like... >>: Your mom had a

  • nipple like this? >>: It was a pokie nipple?

  • >>: She had four kids, breast-fed all of 'em.

  • Did you breastfeed your children?

  • >>: Only the first for like six weeks.

  • >>: Would you do it now on camera?

  • Wait for the offer.

  • (man on phone) I'm gonna bang your mom

  • and make you my step son.

  • (man on phone) I go for real cougar attaches.

  • >>: Were you a strict parent? >>: No, I was a cool mom.

  • >>: I always was scared of cool moms.

  • >>: Why?

  • >>: I don't know if that's what you wanna be sometimes.

  • >>: Don't you want your wife to be a cool mom?

  • >>: Nope.

  • Because a lot of them don't associate the cool mom

  • with like your friends going to like,

  • "I'd hook up with your mom."

  • 'Cause then you feel this weird need to like bulk up

  • and like, "Hey man, knock it off with my mom."

  • Well, so when I was in college-

  • >>: Well, you're showing them because now you're banging her.

  • You're on "America's Got Talent?"

  • >>: Yeah. We're like kind of a choreographed spitting team.

  • (dramatic music)

  • >>: You come from a long line of spitters?

  • (laughing)

  • Are there any topics that are off limits?

  • >>: We didn't need to talk about your anal experiences

  • as much as we have.

  • >>: Like anal play more than I liked the actual

  • dick in the ass thing.

  • I did not talk about anal experience,

  • I said I like anal play.

  • >>: That's different.

  • Do you ever like delve into the world of politics

  • or finances or any of that stuff?

  • >>: Nah, except we're talking my finances--

  • >>: In terms of like, we need to sell some fucking vibrators

  • for me to make rent.

  • >>: Then you guys used to have your own line of vibrators?

  • >>: No, but I did get him and my boyfriend fleshlights.

  • You don't know what fleshlights are?

  • >>: I know what a fleshlight is, mother.

  • >>: A fleshlight.

  • >>: Have you tried one? >>: Yeah, of course.

  • But then the shame of cleaning it.

  • It's like, alright, you know what, I'll buy a new one.

  • >>: It's the last thing you wanna do after you ejaculate

  • is clean out the semen. >>: Sure.

  • Well, I put it in the dishwasher.

  • >>: It's not a bad idea.

  • >>: Well, I mean Rufina does, but regardless.

  • >>: Who's that? >>: That's my housekeeper.

  • >>: Your housekeeper cleans out your fleshlight

  • in the dishwasher?

  • >>: She doesn't know what it is.

  • (man on phone) Thanks for taking my call.

  • I think the podcast is super helpful.

  • Especially if you're trying to blast nuts to a hot MILF,

  • talking about ass sex.

  • I'd like to apologize.

  • That's my immature fan base.

  • They get a little honest,

  • >>: When you get them all horned up.

  • >>: Alright, I think it's time to wrap it up.

  • Thanks for coming out.

  • >>: Thank you. Where's this going to air?

  • >>: Oh, it's just did.

  • >>: Podcasts work.

  • I've got some bad news for you.

  • In addition to being a huge celebrity,

  • I'm also a volunteer child protective service agent.

  • Boom!

  • >>: It's upside down. >>: Still valid.

  • >>: We don't have sex with each other.

  • >>: How many times do I have to tell you that Daniel?

  • >>: Okay. Then explain to me why you bought this inappropriate

  • mother's day gift for her.

  • >>: You planted that.

  • >>: Go to the judge you perverts,

  • take them away boys.

  • >>: Can I keep that? >>: Yes.

  • (audience clapping)

  • >>: Hi, guys. Welcome to my channel.

  • I'm Dr. Sandra Lee also known as Dr. Pimple popper.

  • I'm gonna post blackhead extractions.

  • (woman) Look at that.

  • That's pretty cool.

  • >>: Cyst being popped.

  • I heard you too much. I know I'm starting to push,

  • push around. I'm sorry.

  • I made you yelling now.

  • That's why it's for telling you

  • Like homeless being removed from the skin

  • >>: Because I know you guys love them and I love that,

  • you love that.

  • Enjoy.

  • (upbeat music) (audience clapping)

  • >>: Hey, what are you aiming for?

  • Ooh. (laughing)

  • Ooh.

  • Ooh.

  • I think the chiropractor is down the hall.

  • >>: I'm not a hunchback. It's a cyst.

  • (voice) Daniel. Dr. Pimple popper will see you now.

  • >>: When did you realize you had a passion

  • for popping pimples?

  • >>: I started to post popping videos or blackhead extractions

  • about a year ago on my Instagram and on my YouTube channel.

  • And they just got more interest.

  • So I went in and I went and looked

  • and I saw that there's a whole community.

  • There's a subcultural- >>: There's always is.

  • >>: Who just host popping videos and share them with each other.

  • >>: Well, there your Instagram is very confusing.

  • 'Cause you have like normal everyday life, like,

  • hey, this is me out and about sexy voters.

  • Next thing is the most horrific extraction I've ever seen.

  • >>: The goal is to try to get this out

  • of a smaller little area.

  • >>: How's that? Okay.

  • Not bad. Right?

  • I'm showing that I'm a real person.

  • You know that I may be a physician

  • and I do all these surgeries,

  • but I'm a girl too.

  • Like, you know, all my girlfriends,

  • I like to hang out with them.

  • I have a husband and he's a dermatologist.

  • >>: Do patients get upset when they get your husband

  • and not you?

  • >>: Yeah, sometimes. (laughing)

  • >>: What type of person likes to watch?

  • >>: Most of them are women. I will have to say. I think.

  • >>: Women love poppings. >>: Yes. They do.

  • >>: I had two older sisters as a kid,

  • or they couldn't be happier getting in on me?

  • >>: I do know though that a lot of people like these videos

  • because they relax them.

  • They help decrease anxiety.

  • They watch them during panic attacks.

  • They watch it before they go to sleep.

  • >>: Yeah. That's not, none of this is true.

  • You're making that up.

  • That is completely horse(bleep).

  • Nobody watches that video and then takes a nap.

  • >>: It's like ready to come.

  • It's like, I need a suction, Micah.

  • Like they do with babies.

  • >>: What race of people has the best skin?

  • >>: It's true that the darker you are,

  • the less likely you are to develop wrinkles over time.

  • Lighter complected people

  • are gonna have more of those fine lines and wrinkles.

  • So they look older, probably sooner than Asians.

  • African-Americans has Hispanics, all of us darker.

  • >>: So you guys win that one category.

  • >>: Yeah, well, we win a couple of that.

  • >>: Do you have to talk your patients into this?

  • >>: No, not usually.

  • In fact, now people come from around the world.

  • I've had people come from London,

  • from Saudi Arabia for me to pop their zits.

  • >>: Are you making more money

  • off your videos now than you are your practice?

  • >>: No.

  • >>: Are there people that are

  • watching it for a pleasure sexual?

  • >>: I'm sure there's people that watch anything

  • everything for that.

  • But I think they're in the minority.

  • It's not really a fetish.

  • It's more, you know, it's like riding a roller coaster

  • or watching a scary movie.

  • I think it makes people happy.

  • >>: I don't know.

  • I, I think fetish might- >>: Does it make you happy?

  • >>: I think there's more fetish people in there too combined

  • with the fact that you're Asian.

  • That's a double whammy for a lot of people.

  • >>: Maybe.

  • >>: I want to know how nasty these people are.

  • >>: They aren't nasty.

  • They're my patients

  • and they're absolutely love-- >>: Filthy, filthy monsters.

  • >>: No, not at all, no. >>: Why is it getting that bad?

  • >>: You know, the biggest blackheads come

  • from older patients who have poor eyesight,

  • who have arthritis in their hands.

  • And they just are not aware

  • that these things are even on their skin.

  • The big growth that we usually see

  • especially in another areas, tend to be men.

  • And I tell them, don't worry about it.

  • I've seen a lot of skin tags.

  • And then they pull down their pants and I had

  • one guy with like the size

  • of a racquetball and on his butt, like a piece of his butt.

  • This has been going for how long?

  • (patient) Oh, a number of years.

  • (doctor) Yeah. Okay, good.

  • All gone.

  • >>: What'd you do with that disgusting skin tag

  • after you cut it off?

  • >>: I made it into a key chain.

  • >>: Oh, you nasty bitch. (audience laughter)

  • Does anything gross you out?

  • >>: Recently I had this woman who we moved to Pilar cyst

  • a big benign cyst, like about this big,

  • you know, on her head.

  • And it was soft.

  • Like, it was like a, like a balloon, but I took it

  • out whole, but when I cut into it, after, as I cut into it

  • on the table, it was like black mud that came out.

  • >>: You nasty bitch.

  • Talk about the smell.

  • >>: You know what it smells like in general?

  • It smells like some of those more strong cheeses.

  • >>: Okay, that's not good.

  • What's the worst bodily fluid?

  • >>: I don't know the worst bodily fluid, diarrhea.

  • (all laughing)

  • >>: Diarrhea is bad.

  • What are those (bleep) beans?

  • When the beans come out of people, that I'd lose my mind.

  • (doctor) No, you just say, "Oh, well, look at that.

  • You know, that kind of-

  • >>: You've got a magic bean in you.

  • What's the closest

  • to the butt hole that you've ever had to do an extraction?

  • >>: I don't do the butt hole.

  • >>: What, would you just let them die?

  • >>: I don't do that!

  • There's like Pilonidal cysts, which occur like right

  • above the rectum there.

  • But I, that's not my domain. I don't do that.

  • I'm out. (all laughing)

  • >>: When you see guys naked all the time.

  • >>: Yes. >>: Is it uncomfortable for you?

  • At all?

  • >>: No, it's not uncomfortable,

  • but I will tell you something funny that I used to work

  • with, I worked with a dermatologist who said

  • that if they were examining a guy and he got-

  • (Daniel) Aroused? >>: A hard-on, yeah, aroused.

  • >>: Don't say hard-on, you're a doctor.

  • >>: Oh, sorry, you're supposed to flick it.

  • That's what they were doing. They're flicking it.

  • I've never had to do that.

  • >>: If you flick my dong. >>: I know.

  • Oh, I would be so into that.

  • (laughing)

  • Yeah, if you flick a weenie like that.

  • Like do one of those, those pops.

  • Oh, if you could tuck it back behind that.

  • Oh, that'll hurt him.

  • >>: Okay. I'll have to try that out.

  • >>: Or make him finish.

  • This has all been very informative.

  • You know, celebrities have been cashing in

  • on their terrible skin for years.

  • It's time I got in on the action.

  • Everyone knows I have flawless skin,

  • but sometimes before shows, I get a small,

  • barely noticeable stress boil.

  • I can't wait three days for my skin to slightly improve.

  • I need a more proactive approach.

  • That's why Dr. Pimple Popper is my main squeeze.

  • (audience exclaiming) (squishing noises)

  • The first sign of a blemish

  • and I want all hands on zit.

  • Don't stop squeezing until there's blood on the mirror.

  • >>: Thanks to my sexy Asian fingers.

  • The results are instant.

  • >>: And the explosive release feels better

  • than the best orgasm.

  • Plus, a little scarring makes you look like a man.

  • Got this one from a zit.

  • This one from a shark.

  • (narrator) Call now, and she'll throw in two

  • Biore back-ne strips for free.

  • (ripping sound) (screaming)

  • (bleep)

  • >>: When you drank your urine

  • you become aware of the absolute need for honesty

  • in all moments.

  • Like I said, I'm going to gargle and swish

  • maybe three, at least three times a day.

  • I'm going to do a very big urine treatment.

  • I want to conquer this affliction.

  • And I took ibuprofen for,

  • ibuprofen and naproxen for a couple of days,

  • and neither one was really helping.

  • Yeah, the pain relief.

  • And you're in therapy and not messing around.

  • It's amazing.

  • You can't buy anything like it.

  • Anywhere. Only you can make it, right?

  • (upbeat music) (audience applause)

  • >>: Lemonade.

  • Life gives you lemons,

  • make lemonade, lemonade.

  • Lemonade. Hey.

  • Beat it, scumbag. (urinating)

  • This is my turf, everyone knows it.

  • Sell your lemonade somewhere else.

  • >>: It's not a lemonade stand, it's a wee-wee stand.

  • >>: Oh, you nasty bitch.

  • Hey but if you don't mind me asking,

  • how much you charging?

  • >>: It's free.

  • >>: Giving away the first taste to get all the kids hooked.

  • Smart. Why is your pee so dark?

  • Are you drinking enough water?

  • >>: I'm drinking enough water.

  • >>: Okay. What made you want to try it?

  • >>: I was, I was desperately sick.

  • >>: Uh-ha. >>: And been sick for years.

  • I was tired of being sick and I was just like

  • there's gotta be something besides medicine.

  • >>: What kind of sickness do you have,

  • if you don't mind me asking?

  • >>: Malignant melanoma.

  • In 2004, they gave me a year to live.

  • >>: Oh, wow. >>: Yeah. Cancer.

  • >>: And one year into the treatment,

  • you were like, I'll try anything.

  • Or was it-- >>: I didn't do their chemo

  • or anything-- >>: Oh, you didn't do it at all.

  • >>: I did the surgery.

  • They took 17 lymph nodes and found cancer in four of them.

  • >>: And you're like, that's enough.

  • >>: Yep. No more surgery.

  • I gotta find another way.

  • I've had seven doctors shake my hand and say

  • I need to shake your hand.

  • I've never met anybody that made it through that.

  • >>: Do they wash immediately afterwards?

  • (laughing)

  • Have you ever had a shit sandwich?

  • Yes or no?

  • >>: No. I'm not into that.

  • That part of it.

  • >>: What does urine taste like?

  • >>: It depends on what I eat.

  • If I eat asparagus, I have to dump it.

  • I'm like, (choking)

  • >>: You can't drink it.

  • You've tried though

  • asparagus pee? >>: Oh, yeah.

  • And shrimp. >>: Shrimp?

  • >>: Makes it taste like (gagging)

  • >>: But it doesn't make it smell different?

  • >>: I mean, you can't hardly even stomach it.

  • It is so bad.

  • >>: How much do you actually drink?

  • >>: I used to drink about a gallon a day.

  • >>: Who pees a gallon a day?

  • >>: Well, the more you drink, the more you get.

  • 'Cause it makes it water wetter.

  • It makes the water in your body wetter.

  • And you produce more pee.

  • >>: Huh? I don't agree with that at all.

  • Explain to me the process of collecting your pee.

  • >>: You've got to catch the midstream.

  • So you let a little go.

  • >>: My mom used to always say

  • that when I would, when I would go take a little pee tests

  • or whatever. >>: Right.

  • >>: You don't, pee first into the toilet,

  • then cut it off.

  • Which takes practice.

  • >>: Yeah, lots of practice. >>: Okay. Go on.

  • >>: So you're drinking that clean stuff

  • in the middle. >>: Mm, that good clean piss.

  • (laughs) Okay.

  • And do you, do you, every time you pee

  • do you save it or no?

  • >>: Yeah, you save it and then use it for different things.

  • You can, you know, put it

  • in a bath and that way you get it all through your all-skin.

  • >>: No, I wouldn't think that that's a good idea.

  • 'Cause pee kind of smells.

  • >>: Well. Yeah.

  • So you add a few like lavender essence oils.

  • >>: Do you add cream or sugar to your pee,

  • or do you take it yellow?

  • >>: Straight. I'm a cowboy pee drinker.

  • >>: You ever put an ice cube in it?

  • >>: No. 'Cause I like it warm.

  • >>: You like it warm. >>: Straight from the spigot.

  • (laughing)

  • >>: From the spigot.

  • I can almost reach.

  • The warmth is what I think I would struggle with the most.

  • If you drink coffee

  • and then drink your pee, is your pee caffeinated?

  • >>: Yeah, because if I drink, say, a shot of vodka...

  • >>: Uh-ha. >>: ...you know, when I go pee

  • and then drink it and it taste a little like vodka.

  • You can get a buzz. >>: You can get drunk twice?

  • Oh, wow.

  • In the winter, do you eat the yellow snow?

  • >>: That's the good stuff.

  • >>: Would you recommend everyone start drinking their pee?

  • Even people that aren't sick.

  • >>: I absolutely would.

  • >>: And there's no scientific proof

  • behind urine being good for any ailments, or is there?

  • >>: There is.

  • Well, you know, I don't know what you would call scientific.

  • >>: Well, like a scientist came up with it.

  • >>: Mm, no. >>: Yeah.

  • That's what I thought.

  • >>: Oh, excuse me, Daniel. I need to use the restroom.

  • >>: Well, grab a glass. (chimes ringing)

  • Right, So that's an actual glass of your urine.

  • (bells dinging)

  • Very fresh.

  • >>: Very fresh.

  • >>: It looks pretty dark.

  • >>: Looks a little dark.

  • >>: Is it warm? Can I feel how warm it is?

  • It's a nice temperature.

  • >>: Yeah. It's perfect. >>: And you just drink your pee?

  • >>: Well, no, I do other things with it.

  • I drink it through my eyes, drink it through my ears.

  • Drink it through my nose.

  • >>: Pour it in your eyes?

  • >>: No, I use an eye dropper.

  • >>: You have an eyedropper?

  • >>: I got one right here.

  • Show you.

  • Check this out. >>: No, I'm, I'm excited.

  • How much do you put in your eyes, just a drop?

  • >>: No, I just drown it, like...

  • Now there's just pee falling down on you.

  • >>: You just lick it off or rub it in.

  • >>: Does it burn?

  • >>: It burns, is it turning red a little?

  • >>: A little bit red. >>: Yeah.

  • >>: Oh, so it's not good for your eyes.

  • >>: No, it's very good.

  • It's improving my eyesight.

  • Yup. And then drink it through your ears and nose.

  • You can go like this.

  • >>: Where do you burn that eyedropper?

  • (sniffing) (audience groaning)

  • Now, if I had pee on my hands, I would be a little,

  • a little grossed out, but there's pee

  • all over your face right now.

  • (laughing)

  • And that's okay? >>: Oh, yeah.

  • >>: Have a sip.

  • >>: Do you want me to drink it all?

  • Not all of it. Just a sip.

  • (audience groaning)

  • Okay, that's enough.

  • (swishing) (audience groaning)

  • >>: And you swish with it. It cleans your teeth.

  • >>: Huh.

  • What about toothpaste?

  • >>: I don't really use it.

  • >>: Okay. Well, I'm 100% sold on the benefits of urine therapy.

  • You're literally sitting on a goldmine.

  • You know who'd appreciate this?

  • Truckers. (rock music)

  • Always making a mess when they pee into a bottle.

  • But with a catheter, then they can relieve themselves,

  • and quench their thirst that final push to Albuquerque.

  • Or what about those energy chews?

  • I bet athletes would really get a jolt

  • out of sinking their teeth into a cube of congealed piss.

  • Hell, I think we could replace Gatorade,

  • make pee the official sports drink of football.

  • (urine splashing)

  • It's going to be a game changer for new fathers.

  • Everyone knows there's nothing stronger than the bond that's

  • created when a newborn's suckling on a mother's teat.

  • Now, thanks to urine,

  • dads could enjoy a similar bonding experience.

  • >>: Wait. (record scratching)

  • You want me to do what?

  • Guys?

  • What's happening? (baby wailing)

  • >>: Cheers to being a potty mouth.

  • >>: Just going to wipe off the rim of the glass.

  • So I don't get any germs.

  • (audience applauding)

  • (upbeat music) (audience applauding)

  • (upbeat string music)

  • >>: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

  • You blow it. You buy it.

  • >>: Oh, hello Daniel, Warped Brownlee.

  • >>: I thought I recognized you. Listen.

  • Welcome to my stand. Everything here is farm to butt hole.

  • You're welcome to anything.

  • Didn't know we had a celebrity visiting us.

  • My first question is what the (bleep) is on your face?

  • >>: Satanic war paint.

  • >>: And so do you do it yourself?

  • >>: Yes. >>: Every morning?

  • >>: Just on my days off when I'm not working.

  • >>: Okay. So you're not allowed to wear

  • satanic war paint to work?

  • >>: Not at the cereal factory.

  • >>: At the cereal factory? >>: Yes, I make cereal.

  • >>: What kind of cereal?

  • >>: A lot of granola stuff.

  • >>: What milk do you like for your cereal?

  • When you have cereal.

  • >>: 2%. >>: Why not just go to skim?

  • >>: I don't like soft ass (bleep).

  • >>: Okay.

  • Warped Brownlee. >>: Yes.

  • >>: Now, is that your given name?

  • >>: I got that name from my ex-girlfriend.

  • She said I was warped,

  • because I wanted have sex with other people.

  • >>: I like the fact that she like overlooked all of this

  • nonsense and went with the fact that you just wanted to

  • sleep with other people. >>: Yes.

  • We're still friends though.

  • >>: Okay. So she is alive.

  • >>: Oh, she's alive.

  • >>: I've been meaning to ask you what's the story about the

  • video where you were (bleep) that stuffed bear?

  • (Warped) The Teddy bear has become legendary.

  • >>: Sure. >>: All around Eugene, Oregon.

  • (Daniel) Just because of the videos?

  • >>: 'Cause I do it live too.

  • This week actually,

  • they're having a meeting at my work about sexual harassment

  • involving videos and I can't be there.

  • >>: You're not allowed to be there?

  • >>: No, 'cause I'm here.

  • >>: Oh. >>: So everyone has to watch,

  • go through this meeting except me.

  • >>: Oh, well, that's probably good that you're not there.

  • It'll allow a lot of the staff that's terrified of you to

  • speak freely.

  • Did we pat you down?

  • >>: No.

  • >>: Jesus.

  • They say this look is called lumbersexual.

  • >>: I think it's pretty satanic.

  • >>: When you use the word satanic,

  • what does it mean?

  • >>: Well, what do you think?

  • >>: Worshiping the devil? >>: No.

  • Not in a traditional sense no.

  • >>: Okay. So what does it mean?

  • >>: You don't understand? >>: No, I don't.

  • Like, does it mean cool?

  • >>: Could mean, yeah. Cool or the bomb.

  • >>: The bomb? Alright, I get it.

  • I do understand it now.

  • >>: Satanic style. >>: Satanic style.

  • You want to get that going?

  • >>: Oh, it's going.

  • >>: What time do you go to bed at night?

  • >>: I go late.

  • >>: Like 10:30?

  • >>: No, I go to bed like at four in the morning.

  • >>: Okay. >>: I work late

  • at the cereal factory,

  • but then I need time to go into bars after work and do some

  • karaoke, satanic style.

  • >>: What kind of satanic style karaoke songs are you picking?

  • >>: I'll do some rap songs to open up,

  • loosen up the crowd, Back That Ass Up.

  • >>: They're not going to see that coming.

  • Back That Ass Up?

  • >>: Oh, yeah. >>: Juvenile.

  • >>: Uncensored. I will say the word (bleep)

  • >>: Well, I mean, technically you're half black.

  • Some people would watch a video of you blowing a fruit or

  • teaching people how to give a blowjob and think that's gay.

  • Your thoughts. >>: You know what?

  • If you listen to the video, if you listen to it,

  • it's obvious I'm straight.

  • >>: Of course. >>: But no one listens.

  • >>: It's 'cause they're too busy jerking off.

  • >>: I said in the video,

  • I said I've only had a five and a half.

  • I haven't gave five and a half.

  • I've never given a blowjob.

  • >>: Yet you took to it like a duck to water.

  • Would you clarify what a half blow job is?

  • >>: Well, it's when the girl

  • was blowing you and she passes out before she finishes.

  • >>: Ah, you didn't time the meds, right.

  • >>: Yeah.

  • >>: How fast could you get a guy off? If you had to.

  • >>: Well, you saw the video.

  • What do you think?

  • >>: Well, I finished before you started.

  • >>: The hand is the key. That's the main part. The hand.

  • >>: And the girls don't realize that the hand's doing all

  • the heavy lifting.

  • >>: I've had girls that just use their mouth and it really

  • pisses me off.

  • (scoffing)

  • >>: How far can you take this down?

  • >>: My deep throating skills aren't great.

  • I don't know. >>: I challenge you.

  • Sorry.

  • I don't know who won. Here, I gotta sell this, man.

  • BJ's are all well and good,

  • but let me show you how to satisfy a lady.

  • I like to use a pomegranate because it's red and gross and

  • kind of confusing.

  • Just like a lady's Cooley Cod.

  • Well, you get the idea.

  • Warped, there's something I've been

  • meaning to ask you, would you ever consider--

  • >>: Food porn?

  • That'd be really (bleep) satanic.

  • >>: All right.

  • Odd You had that on the tip of your tongue.

  • (upbeat music)

  • (doorbell rings)

  • >>: Hello, did someone order

  • some wet, juicy fruit on a stick?

  • Hey Goldilocks, you gonna take this or what?

  • >>: Fine.

  • >>: This is going up your ass, isn't it?

  • >>: Oh, God!

  • (blender whirrs)

  • (gagging)

  • (door bell rings)

  • Who's here?

  • >>: Sorry to bug you again,

  • but that edible arrangement was for your neighbor.

  • Okay, I am positive

  • I didn't give you anything chocolate covered.

  • Get my mister out, and good as new.

  • I'm gonna take this for myself.

  • (audience applauds)

  • (reporter) Mary Winchenbach runs Tirdy Works,

  • it's art made from the stuff that moose leave behind.

  • >>: The terms that I use to name these products

  • are everyday terms that people are used to hearing.

  • And what we did, see, is we took them turds,

  • and we crammed them in between the number there

  • so that's one turdy, two turdy, three turdy.

  • (reporter) That's just one of many products she offers.

  • >>: Now over here, we make Fecal People.

  • And depending upon the shape

  • of them middle turds right there,

  • we can do 'em with big boobs or guts or butts

  • or long legs, or short Leg, see,

  • 'cause there's no two turds that are ever alike.

  • You ever seen two turds alike?

  • No.

  • (upbeat music)

  • (announcer) Some great new champions over here.

  • One winner!

  • (splattering)

  • (Daniel groans)

  • >>: I've got a one of a kind Peter Dinklage Dooky right here.

  • It's half off.

  • >>: Don't all turds look like Peter Dinklage?

  • >>: I got Chris Pratt scat,

  • I got the guy from Rudy's duty, and Mama Mia,

  • I even got Meryl Streep's diarrhea!

  • But the real prize, this baby right here.

  • A whopper from Emma Watson.

  • >>: Wait, there's two celebrity poop booths?.

  • >>: Well, that's my brother, okay,

  • he sells turds that look like celebrities.

  • I'm sellin' their actual brown gold here.

  • >>: That's half-brother!

  • Your mom's a whore.

  • >>: I'm sick of this guy.

  • >>: Mary, how's business?

  • >>: Hey, great, how're ya doing?

  • >>: Mind if I pull up a stool?

  • >>: Pull up a stool. >>: Pun intended.

  • All right, Mary, where are you from?

  • >>: I am from Maine.

  • >>: Where in Maine?

  • (Mary) Somerville, Maine.

  • >>: Can I smell your fingers?

  • (Mary chuckles) You can, if you want.

  • >>: Oh, okay.

  • (Mary laughs)

  • That is question number two.

  • Let's get to this nonsense.

  • First of all, why do you spell turds with an I?

  • >>: I think that Webster's dictionary has it wrong.

  • I think that someone didn't think it out real good

  • 'cause if you look at the word bird it's B-I-R-D,

  • so bird turd, so it should be spelled T-I-R-D.

  • >>: You smoke marijuana?

  • >>: Yes. (audience and Mary laugh)

  • I do, how'd you know? >>: I don't know.

  • >>: We have some products that relate to that too.

  • >>: Like what? >>: We have a shit clip.

  • >>: Oh, that's a good idea.

  • >>: Yes, and you put a joint on that

  • and pass that shit around.

  • >>: How long have you been dealing with these moose turds?

  • >>: I've been doing it about 15 years.

  • >>: Really? >>: Yes.

  • >>: Just so a know,

  • how many pellets are in a single dropping for a moose?

  • >>: They'll typically shed out two to 400 turds

  • every time they take a dump.

  • >>: That's gotta feel amazing.

  • >>: Oh, it's exciting and you know, it's like ching ching.

  • I mean, you watch a turds come out of their ass

  • and it's like 5, 10, 15, 20.

  • >>: It's like playing a Wheel of Fortune slot machine?

  • >>: Exactly.

  • Typically we'll get 100 to 150 pounds of turds,

  • every time we go out in the woods.

  • You know, we put 'em in bags

  • and sling 'em over the shoulder and drag 'em out

  • and by the time we get out, we're pooped.

  • >>: Okay. >>: Yes.

  • >>: Now, how fresh will you grab 'em?

  • >>: I like 'em as fresh and juicy as I can get 'em.

  • The longer they sit in the woods,

  • they'll get punky and dried out, you know?

  • And that kind of compromises the product integrity,

  • so to speak. >>: Has this been primed?

  • Oh, that's nice. Do you use hand sanitizer a lot?

  • >>: No. >>: Good to know.

  • (laughs)

  • >>: Stop it. No, our turds are good.

  • You need to go out in the woods with us

  • collectin' turds someday.

  • >>: I don't want to collect turds.

  • >>: We can violate you out in the woods.

  • >>: We can violate me? (laughs)

  • That seems insane.

  • Where do you sell all this stuff?

  • >>: We sell it at craft fairs.

  • >>: What about online,

  • can you just order it online? (Mary) Yep.

  • (Daniel) Is it legal to mail poop?

  • >>: It is, the products are non-hazardous.

  • Essentially, you could eat it.

  • >>: Have you ever tasted one?

  • >>: I've put one in my mouth before.

  • >>: Did you bite down?

  • >>: A little bit?

  • (laughing)

  • >>: Do you coat the turds or?

  • >>: Well, yeah, we have two different kinds

  • of coatings we use.

  • Because some people like a natural lookin' turd

  • and some people like it when their turds glisten.

  • >>: Oh.

  • >>: You know, 'cause we want to please everyone.

  • >>: That's nice of you. Only moose?

  • >>: No, we have cow turds too.

  • >>: Oh, really? >>: Yes.

  • We have a couple right there,

  • and one of them we call the Bull Shit,

  • and the other one we call a Cow-a-dunga.

  • >>: So you just put a turd on a piece of wood?

  • >>: Yeah.

  • (Daniel laughs) That's not a product.

  • You make turd candles?

  • >>: Turd candles too.

  • it's a little earthy.

  • We actually have a scratch and sniff area right there,

  • to validate the fact that our shit don't stink.

  • >>: Do you ever think you'd outgrow poop jokes?

  • (Mary laughs)

  • >>: No, it's only getting worse with age.

  • >>: What's your best seller?

  • >>: The poopoo clocks, and the fecal people.

  • Oh, my God. >>: The fecal people.

  • >>: Yes. Now, depending upon the shape

  • of their middle turns right there.

  • We can do 'em with the big boobs or guts or butts,

  • or long legs or short legs.

  • >>: Why can't the fecal people be genderless?

  • >>: They are genderless. >>: Oh, nice.

  • >>: But we did develop a couple of fecal people down here,

  • that do have gender on 'em, we did little deer turds

  • for the boobies and for the ding dong and stuff.

  • Those are gonna go on top of a wedding cake.

  • >>: Oh, that's nice. >>: Yes.

  • >>: That's where they should go, a wedding cake.

  • Okay, the dart board, that's just,

  • >>: That's a crapshoot.

  • (Daniel) You just wrap some Velcro around and turn.

  • >>: Absolutely, it's brilliant.

  • >>: It's not brilliant. >>: It is.

  • People love that. >>: That's half ass.

  • Why would they buy that?

  • Why wouldn't they just go do it themselves?

  • >>: I got orders for it.

  • This is what I wanted to show you right here.

  • The key chains,

  • see, now due to the high fiber diet of the moose,

  • the turds float. >>: Yeah.

  • >>: You ever dropped a key in the water,

  • you're gonna look for a float and turd,

  • and that key is gonna be dangling

  • right underneath that turd.

  • >>: Well, that depends on how many keys you have.

  • >>: Well, you have to cram an extra turd on it

  • if you got a lot of keys.

  • >>: A janitor, they would have to have like-

  • >>: Exactly, a pile of dump.

  • >>: So you're saying with the key chain,

  • you just keep poop in your pocket?

  • >>: Absolutely.

  • >>: Have you ever used human shit?

  • >>: No, ew, gross. >>: That's gross?

  • >>: Human turds, I wouldn't touch a human turd.

  • And they probably don't even float.

  • >>: Some do.

  • >>: Oh, I'm not gonna go around figuring that out.

  • I'll make you worry, I ain't touchin' that.

  • >>: How often do you get pink eye?

  • >>: I've never had pink eye.

  • >>: Can you only get pink eye from human poop?

  • >>: I've never. (Mary chuckles)

  • >>: Is that actually how you get pink eye

  • from getting poop in your eye?

  • So you can get it from any kind of poop though?

  • >>: That would be like a shitty idea, wouldn't it?

  • >>: That'd be a shitty idea. >>: We have that.

  • It's right here.

  • There's little turds in that deer eye right there,

  • that's a shitty idea.

  • >>: Come on, what is, this is half ass.

  • (Mary laughs)

  • >>: It's a shit, it's a turd.

  • >>: This is taped on the back. >>: I know.

  • >>: You can sell this.

  • >>: No, I don't sell that, that's one of my props.

  • >>: You know what you are, you're kind like a Gallagher.

  • (Mary laughs)

  • What's this go for?

  • >>: 15 bucks.

  • >>: How much does the tray cost without poop in it, 20?

  • >>: That's a poo poo platter.

  • >>: I mean, the tray alone, if I scraped all this poop out

  • that's a nice, good tray.

  • I'm starting to understand your business model.

  • What you're doing is taking existing products

  • and gluing turds to them.

  • It's brilliant. >>: Thank you.

  • >>: I have a few ideas of how we can expand your brand.

  • >>: Excellent, what do you got?

  • >>: What about poop poles?

  • Hardware for all your kitchen cabinets.

  • Instantly devalue your home.

  • Shit socks.

  • >>: Shit socks? >>: Yeah.

  • Take your socks, okay, fill em with moose turds,

  • throw it in the microwave 30 to 45 seconds.

  • Then when your foot goes in, oh,

  • that's gonna feel so nice and warm and soft.

  • What about frozen diarrhea cubes?

  • Now your cocktails won't get watered down by normal ice.

  • >>: That's a good idea too. >>: Thank you.

  • By the way, any idea that I give you is 100% yours,

  • free and clear.

  • All right, I saved my biggest and shittiest idea for last,

  • we take the greenest car on the road and make it brown.

  • I'm calling up the Turd Tesla, Model BM.

  • Isn't she a beauty? >>: Yeah, she is.

  • (Daniel) Only need $1,000 to preorder,

  • estimated delivery of five years.

  • >>: What's the cost?

  • >>: It's the price of a regular Tesla plus poops and labor.

  • (cheering)

  • (upbeat music)

(rock music)

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最もCringiest CeWEBrityのプロフィール - Tosh.0 (The Cringiest CeWEBrity Profiles - Tosh.0)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 27 日
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