on them

Comes the prequel sequel that proved Phantom Menace wasn’t an accident.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be."

Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

Once again the republic is in turmoil.

Watch as the chin-stroking Jedi are pulled into a war between a completely disposable

droid army and a completely disposable clone army.

Seriously, there is no reason to get emotionally involved in any of this crap.

Experience an awkward, forced love story as soulless as the computer it was made in

With so many visual effects, the filmmakers didn’t have any time left over for things

like

realistic choreography

realistic dialogue

"I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me."

Or realistic Hayden Christensen acting.

"I don't like sand: it's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not

like here."

C'mon, JJ, there's no way you can do any worse than this.

Natalie Portman and her space hair return as Senator Padme Amidala.

When two of the galaxy’s best sharpshooting assassins try to kill her with a poisonous

worm pooping robot,

two Jedi warriors will come to her aid:

Obi Wan Kenobi, a man forced to act opposite lifeless CGI characters like Hayden Christenson...

and Anakin Skywalker,

a rat-tailed a**hole who’s been creepily stalking Padme for the last decade.

"I’ve thought about her every day since we parted.”

"I don’t think she liked me watching her.”

"I'd much rather dream about Padme."

"You're exactly the way I remember you in my dreams."

"Please don't look at me like that."

"Why not?"

"It makes me feel uncomfortable."

"Sorry, m'lady."

Ugh.

Ride along with these one-dimensional heroes in a movie so unevenly paced, you’ll have

to wait over an hour before you even meet the main villain.

Instead, strap yourself in for even more of the stuff that made Phantom Menace so cold,

lifeless,

and boring, like...

People sitting and talking,

Standing and talking,

Walking and talking,

One person standing and talking while another is sitting and talking,

People standing and talking then taking a seat for more talking,

And

a whole bunch of wipes.

Starring...

Haydon’t Act Again

Ewan A Bad Movie

Yogurt

M. Bison

Nipply Portman

Lawrence Fishburn

Definitely Not the Emperor

Dickhead

Cthulhu

Darth Saruman

and Jango Unbrained

Star Wars Episode 11: Attack of the Clones.

Correct me if I’m wrong here but the clones never attack anyone in this movie. So why

the f*** would you call this movie Attack of the Clones?!

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