Welcome.

Thanks.

We have so much to talk about.

Let's get to it.

(Conan laughs) (audience laughs)

Let's do this thing.

All right.

But first, I have to mention something.

Last time you were on the show, we were talking,

and you mentioned a character that you used to do.

It was one of my favorite things

that I'd seen on the show in a while.

And if it's okay, I'd like to ask you to do it again.

You do a character called The German Who Says Nice Things.

Yes.

And I really loved it.

Okay.

[Conan] Do you mind if I just dip back in that pool

for just a second?

No. Sure, I'll do a couple of them.

May I stand?

This is... Yeah. The German. Yes, sir.

(audience cheers)

The German Who Says Nice Things, all right.

Is this my camera?

Yes.

(audience laughs)

(imitates German accent)

It was a pleasure babysitting Kevin!

(laughs)

(audience cheers)

You are not getting older, you are getting better!

(laughs) (audience laughs)

I would like another dish of SpaghettiOs!

(laughs) (audience laughs and cheers)

What a pleasant fellow.

See, it goes against common assumptions about Germany.

Yes, yes, terrible common assumptions.

Yeah. (laughs)

And that's why it is inherently humorous.

Very good, thanks.

Because I was confused.

I didn't know why I was laughing.

Would you like to throw me a couple

and I will try to Germanize them?

Let's see, I just went to the Caribbean,

and the sky was a beautiful teal blue.

All right.

(audience laughs)

(throat clears)

(imitates German accent) I just went to the Caribbean!

(laughs) (audience laughs)

And the sky was a beautiful teal blue!

(audience laughs and cheers)

(indistinct)

I like writing for that character, he's fun.

I will lose my voice after a while.

(laughs)

Now, are there any new characters

kickin' around in that mind of yours?

I have.

I've worked (throats clears)

I've been working on one.

Mm-hm (affirmative).

This is called The Joyless Laughing Guy.

[Conan] Joyless Laughing Guy.

Yeah.

I'll try to do it.

Well, I can do it sitting down.

[Conan] Okay.

(laughs)

(Conan laughs)

(audience laughs)

I don't think they can...

That was very nice.

(audience cheers)

There's a vein.

Oh, they're poppin' out.

There's a series of veins on the side of your forehead

that in HD were really popping out.

People at home...

(laughs) (audience laughs)

(imitates blood spraying sound)

Blood shooting.

You know, I have to say,

sometimes when a movie is about to come out,

you see the poster here and there.

So, I would say for the last three weeks,

I can't go anywhere without seeing the poster

for the 40 Year Old Virgin.

And I have to say,

it is probably my favorite movie poster of all time.

(laughs)

I think it's a hilarious...

It's pretty scary.

Well, it's really funny.

We have the picture, this is it.

(audience laughs)

That is... (clears throat)

I can't remember, every time I see that poster

I start laughing and I can't remember any movie poster

making me laugh consistently.

It's very funny.

I would like to see you do the poster.

I'd like to see you, I think you can replicate that.

You think I can do that?

Yeah. All right, let's see.

(audience cheers)

You help me.

All right.

Put it up there.

(throat clears)

Okay, I can be this guy.

[Steve] Okay, so you look up.

(audience laughs)

Okay, a little more eyebrow.

(audience laughs)

Well you have to...

(audience cheers)

(clears throat)

Can I do a little something of my own, like that?

Or is that not helping?

[Steve] No, I like that.

Yeah.

(audience laughs)

[Steve] I don't know how that makes me feel,

but I like it.

Are you attracted to me now in a..?

Slightly.

The poster is everywhere.

I know.

In manhattan...

It's all over the place.

There are posters facing posters, facing other posters,

I know.

You can be boxed in by these posters.

I was in a convenience store.

Can we say convenience store on the show?

(audience laughs)

Uh, no, not really.

Yeah.

A 24 hour store.

24 hour (mumbles convenience store).

Yeah, yeah.

I was in a convenience store and a kid came up to me

and said "Hey. You're the virgin."

(audience laughs)

So I think I'm actually, literally,

going to be a poster boy for virginity.

[Conan] Yeah. (audience laughs)

President Bush has contacted me.

[Conan] Really?

About being the representative,

The President's Council On Virginity And Abstinence.

[Conan] Yeah, that'd be...

And I'm gonna have a bomber jacket,

(Conan laughs) (audience laughs)

A presidential seal.

That's cool.

And I'm going to go around to schools.

Good for you.

And give speeches.

That's if the movie doesn't do well.

[Conan] Yeah. (laughs)

You're just going to blanket the area.

And if it does do well, I won't ever do that joke again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you won't have to.

(mumbles exactly)

Now, who's seen the movie, has your wife seen the movie?

She didn't see it until the premier.

Mm-hmm (affirmative) and how did that go?

It must be weird to work on something for so long

and then have your wife there.

It was interesting because this is the first time

I've ever made out with anyone in front of my wife.

[Conan] Right.

That you know about.

Yeah.

(audience laughs)

'Cause in the movie, you uh...

Yeah.

I mean, well, I co-wrote it,

Yeah.

And I have a lot of make out scenes.

So, just implicit in that

is a little weirdness with my wife.

[Conan] Yes, right.

So we're sitting at the premiere,

and there's a scene where

Catherine Keener and I are starting to make out

[Conan] Mm-hmm (affirmative).

And I'm on top of her.

And I just felt my wife's...

Her whole body just tensed up.

[Conan] Right.

And the problem was she knows I'm not that good an actor.

And she can see it in my eyes.

She sees the pure joy.

(laughs) (audience laughs)

And she's sitting there watching

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

And listening to...

(imitates sloppy mouth sounds)

So it's a little odd.

Why are you doing that?

(laughs) (audience laughs)

Well, you know, actually when you...

(imitates sloppy make out sounds)

When you do a love scene...

Yeah.

You have to go back and you have to...

Loop the lines. Loop it.

Yeah.

So you're kissing as well.

[Conan] Right, right.

As well as the lines because a lot of times,

kisses don't make sound.

[Conan] Sure.

So you have to actually stand in a booth and go

(imitates sloppy mouth sounds)

(laughs) (audience laughs)

Which begs the question, why couldn't anybody do that?

Why did they have to get Steve Carell

to come back and do that?

They can get anybody to go

(imitates sloppy mouth sounds)

It has a certain flair.

Yeah.

When I do it, I guess.

I guess it's the way you do it.

Yes.

Which is so cool.

Now, you had your chest waxed in the movie.

I did.

And you really went for it.

They didn't do it in a fake way,

they didn't use prosthetics,

you really had your chest waxed.

I did.

I felt that that would, if nothing else,

would make the crew laugh.

(audience laughs)

And if you look at the take...

We had to do it in one take because my hair grows fast,

but not that fast.

[Conan] Right.

They were pulling it off,

and you can see blood beading to the surface of my chest.

Oh my god, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was so unadvisable.

Yeah.

(audience laugh)

Ill advised, stupid.

About five seconds before they started doing it

I thought,

"This is a terribly, terribly, stupid thing to do."

Right.

You also...

And I'm going to say...

You're a hairy guy.

I don't know how else to say it.

You took off your shirt, and there's just, you know...

What do you mean?

(audience laughs)

I mean it as a compliment because I am smooth

like a child.

But you...

(audience laughs)

I am harry.

I am very...

I'm like an aerodynamic...

I'm a guy on a luge team.

You, it's just crazy.

I would be a bad luger.

Yes, you would.

I would be...

Yeah, if you look at that chart of going from ape to man.

[Conan] Yeah.

I'm about four down from man.

(laughs) (audience laughs)

I'm like...

I'm the hunched over...

You're the guy with stone tools, yeah.

Stone tools. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm this...

(laughs) (audience laughs)