but today is the actual big day.

Its all been practice leading up to now.

Y'all best be ready, it's about to get real up in here.

- This year has been such an unproductive waste

of my time that I'm not even gonna add it on to my age.

Like, I'm forgetting about it completely.

I'll still take the presents though.

- I can't believe Carol in HR

told everyone it's my birthday today.

That is supposed to be classified information.

- It's my birthday,

and none of you will go skydiving with me.

Some friends you are!

And don't start going on about

your heart condition, okay?

Save it for someone who cares.

- For my birthday let's just do something simple

like go out and have dinner somewhere.

And then maybe get some margaritas afterwards

and then go to the karaoke bar

and then a rooftop party at an abandoned building

in a different city!

- Oh my gosh, I can't believe you all signed

this generic Hallmark card and got me a sheet cake

with my name on it (sniffling).

This is so thoughtful, thank you.

This is really the best birthday ever.

- Why am I hosting my own birthday party?

Because it's not about me,

it's about my friends' perceptions of me

on the anniversary of my birth.

Now, help me stuff these gift bags

and arrange these ice sculptures.

- Then go skinny dipping in the Arctic Ocean.

- I appreciate your concern about the legality

of my fireworks show.

And don't get me wrong:

I am breaking numerous laws.

But they can't arrest you on your birthday!

Come on man, everybody knows that.

- I said thoughtful gifts only

and you got me a Subway gift card

and put it in a greeting card

that says "Happy Bat Mitzvah"?

Is this ironic?

'Cause if it is, it's actually very thoughtful.

- Doing donuts in the parking lot of a Dunkin' Donuts

while eating...

bagels.

- It's really my birthday, are you sure mom?

Okay...

And I'm how old now?

- Okay, here's the birthday party duties:

Jason, take care of the coats,

Sally, make sure no one taps on the fish tank,

and Aunt Hilda, make sure that this party remains

a Timmy-free environment by any means necessary.

- [Crowd] Surprise!

- More than anything I'm surprised

you ding-dongs thought this would make me happy.

- Thank you all for attending my party.

You can expect thank you notes

in the next three to five business days.

Now, it is 8:59,

I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.

- Going into the woods, with a shaman

to perform ancient rituals which will connect

me with my past selves.

- [Guy] Happy Birthday!

- Thanks, you too!

I mean, (sighs).

(Windows closing music)

- Wow, another year older, my parents had two kids

and a house by the time they were my age.

Me, I've got a five year plan

I have to keep adjusting and a houseplant named Kevin

that I'm pretty sure I'm over watering!

- The end of another birthday,

time to reflect upon how time continues

to pass me by at an ever increasing speed

as I inevitably hurdle towards shuffling off

this mortal coil.

Just like any other day, except now I have cake.

- And then maybe just, like you know,

get ice-cream or something, I don't really know.

- [Frank James] If you wanna own some of these cool designs

to wear on your own body, the link is in the description

you can be repping your favorite YouTube channel,

which is this one!

- My parents had two cats (laughing).

- Tonight's party is gonna be aboot a booboo.

- Sally, make sure no one steps on the fish tank.

- I'm not even a Jewish girl.