so I thought, if you wouldn't mind,

I'd like to write up my weekly thank you notes right now.

Is that cool with you guys?

[ Cheers and applause ]

James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?

♪♪

-Wow. He's excited. -Such a good mood.

-Yeah.

Mr. Pep.

[ Laughter ]

-Thank you, fall, for being the one season when it's stylish

to dress like the couch in your parents' basement.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Thank you, new Jets coach Adam Gase, for always looking like

you just found out you're the coach of the Jets.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-What?!

I'm the coach of the what?!

-Thank you, new movie "Hustlers,"

for casting Lizzo.

I just took a DNA test and found out I'm 100% buying a ticket.

Oh, yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, Italian restaurants whose menus are in Italian,

for giving me two ordering options --

pointing at the menu like an idiot

or sounding like Super Mario.

[ High-pitched ] "I'll have-a da linguine puttanesca."

[ Laughter and applause ]

♪♪

[ Normal voice ] Thank you, French horns,

for basically being an awesome water slide for spit.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yo.

[ Spits ]

-Thank you, DIY projects,

for being a slightly less expensive way

to make a way worse version of something.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I made that myself. That's a soap holder.

-Yeah, I got it. I got it. -Yeah, we're good, man, yeah.

This one's killer. -This one's the best one.

-I think this one standing up. -Are you serious?

-That's what the card says.

[ Laughter ]

We're going to ask the audience for a standing ovation

after this. -Really?

-This is the last thank you note.

-Aw. [ Audience groans ]

-For tonight. -For tonight.

-We'll do them every week.

[ Laughter ]

-But for tonight, do the last one tonight. Yeah.

-Thank you, fancy bloody marys.

I enjoy all the extra stuff, but at this point,

you might as well just give me a Cobb salad covered in vodka.

There you guys have it! Those are my thank you notes!