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  • -If you guys wouldn't mind,

  • I'd just like to write out

  • my weekly thank-you notes right now.

  • Is that okay with you?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Uh, James, can I get some

  • thank-you-note-writing music, please?

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • -Wow.

  • Does he have a van Dyke?

  • -Is he growing a beard? -He's growing a van Dyke.

  • I did not think he could get more handsome.

  • I was wrong.

  • -I don't quite understand it.

  • It looks like --

  • like a ventriloquist doll. -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You mean it highlights the chin.

  • -Highlight -- It looks like it's not attached to his --

  • Looks like he's a nutcracker.

  • -I know he's a ball buster.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Caution. James, that looks nice.

  • It looks...

  • -Gorgeous.

  • -I can't do that. I can't grow that -- the thing.

  • The goatee. -Can't do it?

  • -I don't think so.

  • Can we see if we can get a mustache and a beard?

  • We have ward-- like, hair and makeup?

  • -Mustache and a goat?

  • -Yeah, I'm gonna see if I can put on a little goat

  • before the thank-you notes are over.

  • Why not.

  • I could rock one with James.

  • Or just give me a James. Just a full-on James.

  • -Just James me. Full-on James, man.

  • -Go in, you go to the barber, you ask for a James.

  • You end up with that. -Yeah.

  • [ Melancholy music resumes ]

  • -Thank you, US Open logo,

  • for looking like a tennis ball in motion

  • and also a bird's-eye view of Trump's head.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -"Aerodynamic."

  • "Very aerodynamic. I used a Sharpie."

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • -Thank you, Pennywise the Clown,

  • for showing us what would happen

  • if Ronald McDonald had male-pattern baldness.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • Thank you, first day of school,

  • for being when parents are like,

  • "I know I told you to not trust strangers,

  • but I need you to get on this stranger's bus right now."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Go.

  • -I never wanted to get on the bus when I was a kid.

  • -No, we never took the bus.

  • -No, you never went -- home schooled, right?

  • -Home schooled myself.

  • -Raised by wolves. -Raised by two wolves.

  • And then when the movie "Dances with Wolves" came out,

  • I was like, "Oh, my God, this is like home."

  • -It's like watching home videos. -Yeah.

  • -"America's Funniest Home Videos."

  • -Exactly. Awoo! Tanaka.

  • -I, uh -- I remember my mom was like --

  • I was crying, and she was like, "Just get on the bus,"

  • and I was like, "No, I don't want to go on,"

  • and this is, like, eighth grade.

  • It was, like, kindergarten or something like that,

  • and I remember I just did, like, an X with my body.

  • -Oh. -And, like, there was no way

  • you could physically fit me into the bus door.

  • Unless you held me kind of sideways

  • and shoveled me in that way.

  • It was impossible, so I just kept sticking.

  • She was like, "Get on." I'm like, "No!"

  • She was like, "Get on." I'm like, "No,

  • I don't want to get on!"

  • Bus driver's, like, in shock.

  • He's like, "Just let the kid stay home."

  • -Did you end up on the bus?

  • -Uh, I ended up --

  • no, I hitchhiked to Woodstock.

  • -Woodstock, really?

  • -Found myself, yeah.

  • Oh, do we have a goatee?

  • Oh, fantastic. Let's see what it looks like.

  • -Full James.

  • -Cindy Lou, everybody. There's Cindy Lou.

  • That's fine, yeah.

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, appreciate it. Thank you.

  • Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you, James.

  • James, can I get some

  • thank-you-note-writing music, please?

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Gasps ]

  • -My God.

  • You look like Mitch Miller.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • Oh, you know what?

  • James, maybe --

  • Alright, let me just go full James.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hi, I'm Jebediah Fallon, and welcome back to, uh --

  • You should do the mustache.

  • You ever had a -- Let me get this mustache...

  • ♪♪

  • I'm trying to think of new...

  • Alright, don't wear it yet, Bill.

  • Cut to me. Cut to me. Cut to me.

  • Yeah, don't reveal it yet. Alright.

  • Ah, man, welcome back to "The Tonight Show."

  • This is awesome. -How crazy.

  • -Uh... -What a crazy commercial break.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -James, could -- could I have some some

  • thank-you-note-writing music, please?

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -There's gold in them thar hills!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh.

  • Hoo, doggy!

  • -Oh, man.

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • -Thank you, college dorms,

  • for being the only places acceptable to decorate a room

  • with Christmas lights, cinder blocks,

  • and a sheet thumb-tacked to the wall.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Dag-gummit!

  • Dag-gummit, I'm sick of this -- all this darn tarnation!

  • Why don't you get your fiddles up on that hill

  • before I hear things and get the dang thing outta here!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Squelches ]

  • Put all these here for later.

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • Thank you, people who ask, "What's the dress code?"

  • for really asking, "How bad can I look

  • without getting in trouble?"

  • Shorts? Come on. What's the big deal?

  • -"Do I have to wear shoes?"

  • [ Melancholy music plays ]

  • -Thank you, eating at a restaurant,

  • for being the only time I'm like, "You know what?

  • I will eat a loaf of bread before my meal."

  • There you guys have it.

  • Those are my thank-you notes.

-If you guys wouldn't mind,

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サンキューノートUSオープン、ペニーワイズ (Thank You Notes: US Open, Pennywise)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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