So listen, one of my all-time favorite things

and one thing that I have been craving is boba tea.

OK, now, I talked about this last week.

So if you didn't see OMKalen, baby, shame on you.

But anyway, back to what I was talking about.

So I thought today that I would actually

make boba tea from scratch.

So let's get cooking, y'all.

[THEME MUSIC]

There's a lot of steps.

How long this take?

They didn't even tell me the duration.

OK, so let me see.

First step, in our sauce pot, we're

going to add 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 1/4 cup of water--

I already put the water up in there--

and 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract.

OK, I got back.

I'm over here now at the stove.

Let me add my vanilla extract.

And then me and my 1/2 cup brown sugar.

There we go, great, wonderful.

Now we're going to stir this up, get it looking real cute.

That smell good.

Boom.

Now I put my lid on there, and we going to let this boil.

And once it comes to a boil, we gonna

add 1/3 of tapioca starch.

Yeah, here my 1/3 of "topiaca."

Oh, not "topiaca."

Tapioca.

Tapioca, that's what it's called.

So let me measure out 1/3 of this

so I already have it ready.

There we go.

Dust it out, dust it out.

Boom, boom, boom.

Do y'all like my cutting board?

I just got this.

It's real bougie.

[RECORD SCRATCHING SOUND EFFECT]

OK, now let me make sure this thing is still recording.

When you a one-man crew, you got to do everything.

Are we rolling still?

Yeah, OK.

All right, couldn't tell you if it's in focus or not.

I wouldn't know.

We boiling yet?

Do y'all see bubbles?

Oh, hold on.

I'm glad I kept reading this.

OK, immediately transfer starch to wax paper,

and knead by hand for three minutes.

Boom.

But if this is coming from a boiling pot,

ain't it gonna burn my hands?

They're trying to kill me.

Oh, we boiling.

OK.

OK, so this is the part I got to do fast.

Here my 1/3.

Can y'all see this?

Where the camera at?

Here the 1/3 cup of starch.

And I'm about to add that in and start for 1 and 1/2 minutes.

OK, I ain't got no timer, so I'm just going to count.

1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 50 Mississippi.

How many seconds is in a minute and a half?

I think that's good enough.

OK.

Turn off the heat.

OK, add the starch immediately.

Great.

And stir.

OK, we're doing good, child.

This is like butterscotch.

Now I'm supposed to take this--

OK, we're back over here.

And immediately transfer the starch--

here we go.

Ooh, that don't look good.

What the hell?

It's like gum.

Knead by hand.

I don't know how to knead.

How you do that?

[PAPER RUSTLING]

Oh, shoot.

Oh, it's sticking.

Now, why didn't they tell me I was

supposed to put something on here or something like that?

And it's burning my hand.

You got to do it like Play-Doh.

There you go.

[SHRIEKS]

[THUMPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, I got a rolling pin.

Maybe that'll help me.

OK.

Oh, [BLEEP].

It's sticking.

I'mma try and put the starch on here.

Maybe that'll help me be able to roll it out.

This ain't going to work, y'all.

This ain't gonna work.

Let's see here, what's next?

We roll the dough into a 1/5-inch-thick sheet,

and then slice into strips.

We will see about that.

[SQUEAKING SOUND EFFECT]

Strips.

Now I'm supposed to cut the strips into small squares.

So we gonna come this way.

[SQUEAKING SOUND EFFECT]

Oh, no, I got to dust these with tapioca starch.

(SINGING) Dust with tapioca.

So this is going to be my bowl.

And I'mma put some tapioca starch up in here.

OK, now I need to round these off like Play-Doh.

(EXCITEDLY) Oh!

Oh, this one-- we got a ball.

Oh, I got to test it with a straw.

Let's see.

Ooh, that's too big.

I think it will grow in size once cooked.

OK, we need smaller balls.

Never heard that one before.

(SINGING A LA TINA TURNER) Rollin'.

Ooh, look at this one.

This one cute.

This is the best one I made yet.

I'mma name him Fred.

Hey, Fred.

Kalen, do you want to try one?

Hell no, I'm not about to try one.

This ain't been cooked.

What in the world, Jeanetta.

As a kid, I actually didn't like boba tea.

I thought the little balls at the end were weird.

But that was probably before I came into my homosexuality.

So now I love them.

Usually when you go to a boba place,

they'll tell you what the most popular one is.

It usually, at all places, is Thai tea.

Now, I don't know what the hell is in Thai tea,

but it is so good.

Where is boba from?

Is that a Japanese thing?

Chinese?

Korean?

Janet, where they make boba?

I think it originates in Taiwan.

Taiwan.

Oh, maybe that's why Thai tea is the number one.

[RECORD SCRATCHING SOUND EFFECT]

Oh, wait, is that the same?

Thailand and Taiwan are two different countries.

What?

Kalen.

Never mind.

This is proof that they need to teach us

more about Asian culture.

So we gonna place the pearls into the strainer.

Shake off the excess starch.

OK, well, we can do that now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

See?

Now, here my tea maker.

Add four cups of milk--

I got my milk ready--

to a boiling pot.

Well, this gonna boil it for me.

We gonna do this different than what the instructions say.

We're going to do this the Kalen way.

Is it right?

I don't know.

Now, we gonna take our tea, I'm gonna throw it up

in my little basket here.

We're going to put our black tea up in there.

I don't know if that's enough black tea with all this milk.

But I'mma trust what they said.

And we gonna boil this over here on my tea maker.

OK.

OK, so back to these tapioca balls.

OK, so here's my pearls.

And here they go into the pot of boiling water.

Boom.

And now I'mma stir.

Just for one minute.

And supposedly they gonna come to the top.

They're still at the bottom.

All right, so this is taking longer than expected.

So we gonna take a break.

And I'mma get me something to eat, because I'm hungry.

And we gonna come back to see how we doing.

All right, everybody, we back.

So I actually--

I moved the milk from over there because it

didn't work out as I planned.

And now I have the milk over here.

And it's turning brown, like they said.

So I should have just stuck to the instructions.

So don't do it your own way.

Stick to the instructions.

(EXCITEDLY) Oh!

All the balls came up.

Turn off the heat.

And we gonna move these over.

Ooh, the milk looking good back here.

Here we go.

We gonna bring the pearls over here.

Boom.

A rapid cool.

Y'all see it?

Now we going to stir these for a few seconds to let them cool.

Now we gonna remove the pearls from the bowl of ice water.

All right, there go our tapioca balls, a nice dark brown.

They look just like the boba balls.

OK, sprinkle in 1 and 1/2 teaspoons of brown sugar.

But we gonna straight our tea into this here pitcher.

Here we go.

So I'mma have to definitely aim for the center.

There we go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We're doing good.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Here's my glass, here's my straw.

And I'm gonna add two spoonfuls of the boba.

So there we get our ice.

And now we going to pour in our milk tea.

Give it a little stir.

(EXCITEDLY) Boba milk tea.

We did it.

Should I taste it?

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL SCORE]

[LAUGHS]

So I'm not sure the balls were done.

[LAUGHS]

It's a little crispy It's all right.

Mm.

[STIFLING LAUGHTER]

Well, everybody, we can see that this is not actually very easy.

And I think I'm just going to stick to making regular milk

tea minus the boba.

Because clearly the boba was where

I lacked in ability the most.

I don't know what the hell that was, y'all.

It was real starchy.

But anyway, happy Satur-K. See you next week.

[BEEP]

You can drink this one instead.

Are you kidding me?

[THEME MUSIC]