where no matter what you say,

her 16-year old eyes

have seen more than you'll ever know

and she's gonna tell you

she has the world figured out.

(organ music)

Hello, I'm Varno Harris.

I've been a father for approximately 30 years.

Five children.

It has ups, it has its downs.

I wouldn't trade it in for the world.

Ask A Black Dad was started

so that when you have a question

that no one particular voice dominates that main stream

or that conversation.

Access to different fathers

and the way that they believe

that their children should be brought up,

may be another tool that you can place in your toolbox,

that can help you along the way.

Today, I'll be taking questions from three young fathers,

and giving them some advice from an old father like myself.

And like they say in Fat Albert,

if you're not careful,

you might just learn something before this is all over with.

- Hey, what's up, my name is Kier.

I have been a father for 2 1/2 years now.

My daughter Emery will be three soon.

She's a superstar, she don't even know it man.

You know, after this conversation I really hope

to get an idea of how

a man who was once my age, and in my predicament

kind of navigated through that difficult situation,

and he came out in one piece

'Cause I don't know how I'ma do that.

- I'm Ify, and I'm the father of Naomi, a 4-year old.

I have a dad, and he's side coaching me already,

but it's always good to, for me I believe,

to get some advice and information

from someone who really doesn't know you,

who doesn't have all this bias that's coming from you.

- All right, getting ready for this call with Mr. Harris.

I'm excited, man, 'cause I got so many questions.

I'm a father of 9-year old.

Y'all know Lin.

We did a couple videos together, but, amen,

she's about to be a preteen

so I know it's about to get real.

So I'm really looking forward to talking to him

seeing what insights he could give me.

(bright music)

- So, you have kids that are all different ages.

Infancy, toddler-hood, adolescence, teenage years,

adulthood, like, which stage was your favorite?

Like why did you love that stage?

- Adolescence.

I think that's the time that I love the most,

because now you're letting them go.

They're going to school now, they're just starting school

and they're just,

their water's starting to open up a little more,

and they're telling you their friends they're meeting,

and now they're, you know,

you gotta let them go sleep over somebody's house--

- No, you killin' me.

You say something that's good

and then you just let it get back down.

- That's the best part.

And I think that's my favorite part

is because now I'll be 55 in August

and when I dream now,

and my kids are in my dreams, they're that age.

They're 7, 8, 9, you know so--

- I've heard about that before.

If they're frozen in their time in your dream.

- Yeah, they are.

They're actually there.

That state is what they're in

and I think that's because that's the state

that I really thought was the most amazing.

- So what you're basically saying

is my best days are yet to come.

- [Andrew] Me and my daughter's mom,

we're not together at the moment.

So I'm thinking about like,

I'm getting older now,

starting that kind of traditional family

where my new person will be in the house,

and I'll have five kids running around

or something like that.

With you having a household full of kids,

'cause, it's what, seven of y'all total?

Y'all could do like a pickup basketball game,

like y'all got subs and everything, so--

- That's a relief guys.

(laughter)

- So just, how did you kind of handle a household full?

- My oldest son, is from my first marriage.

When I was in the Marine Corps.

Then I got married again,

and when me and my wife started having my other,

my first daughter, the first thing we did was

when my son came into the house,

sometimes some people in your family, you know,

cousins and all that. "Oh that's your step--"

I said no he's not a step brother, he's your brother.

Don't put nothing between you and your brother.

And from there about how do we keep

the household together without losing your head, your mind?

Everybody has responsibilities,

everybody has a chore, and everybody has to see love.

They have to see discipline,

they have to see that they are expected to read books,

but they expect to see you read a book.

And give yourself some time.

Every now and then, have grandma watch 'em.

(laughter)

Have auntie watch 'em,

but make sure grandma's a good grandma

and auntie's a good auntie.

You know what I'm saying?

Don't let no, don't send your children,

don't send your gems to houses that are gonna ruin 'em.

- So I was wondering,

what was a moment in your daughters youth

that you wish you cherished more?

Something that you think that, you know,

you're like watch out for that 'cause this is gonna be,

you know, that moment.

(laughs)

- For my oldest daughter I would say,

when we first put her in T-Ball.

And I was one of the coaches, and I watched her.

She was 4 or 5 something like that.

And these herd of kids were sitting in the ground,

picking daisies and throwing dirt on each other's hair.

And I'm like, "No, no you gotta stay here you gotta--"

And if you just let,

what we did was, and I didn't know it till later on,

what we did as parents was we got in the middle

of just kids being kids.

There were at a place where they were there to play

and they were playing how kids play.

But we were gonna tell 'em,

"No, you're gonna play this way,

"this is how you're gonna play."

If I would have just relaxed,

and not been so, you know,

every time she got back on the dirt

I'd pick her back up and you know,

and I shouldn't have did that.

You know so if I could go back over things

I would cherish more while I had a chance to.

- The whole dating thing, like, I'm crazy.

I'm crazy, at least I think I'm crazy.

Because in my head I'm like,

"No, nobody is good enough for my daughter,

"nobody's gonna date my kid,

"y'all are just gonna be in this house forever

"one big happy family."

Right?

I know that's not realistic but let me cook.

In terms of dating, how do you set

realistic expectations, for yourself.

- She's gonna grow into a beautiful young woman,

and on her way getting there,

she's gonna be a beautiful girl.

And guys are gonna be attracted to her.

What me and my wife did was we made a plan.

Okay, what do we think is the appropriate age

for her to interact as far as you know,

talking to boys, you know, when that level comes.

When our daughters were old enough

and mature enough, we had conversations with 'em.

We didn't just allow the school to have

the birds and the bees conversation with 'em.

And we didn't wait for somebody in the street

or their friends to tell 'em

the birds and the bees conversation.

You wait for little Paul to tell 'em the birds and the bees,

you don't know exactly what he's telling them,

and why he's telling them exactly.

You know what I'm saying.

And then, the way she watches you interact with mom.

- Yeah!

- That's gonna be key.

She's gonna see how a man's supposed to act.

A child should see mom and dad disagree.

A child needs to see an argument

just like they need to see love,

they need to know how to argue.

Because if they don't know how to argue,

when I say argue, that means constructively disagree.

And be able to disagree and go to the fact of,

"Okay let's go to bed, we ain't getting over this one.

"But we going to bed and we still together."

If she can't see that, or he can't see that

what happens is, somebody's going to show 'em how to argue.

They'll go, "Oh this is how it's supposed to be.

"I saw it on TV somebody said that this is how,"

especially blacks, "this is how we supposed to do this."

That's not how it happens,

so they need to see us be loving they need to see us,

you know the whole thing.

- I'm seeing a lot of constant just

attack, attack, attack,

especially on like the black man.

So a little bit about me I'm originally from New Jersey,

so I'm kind of moving to LA, chasing the dream,

I'm raising a daughter,

and then it's like I also have to lead my house

and deal with just America on their (beep) again

for lack of a better term.

And it's kind of frustrating sometimes

when I see that I have to fight

all these individual battles,

so a lot of times it gets overwhelming.

So when I think of, you know, five kids

and coming home, I'm like, I would love that,

if I lived in a sitcom, but with the America that I know,

I don't even know if I want that.

You know what I mean?

And I kinda start getting into my head about it.

- Remember this,

you're not gonna change the fact you're black.

We're trying to change the fact of how America sees us,

but you're not gonna change the fact your black.

You're not gonna change the fact you have black kids,

and we are unapologetic that they're gonna be beautiful

and they're gonna be rock stars.

They're gonna show up and they're gonna show out,

because we gonna put the work in.

But we also have to remember

that we have to give 'em hope, because right now a child

is watching what's happening on TV.

See my children are a little older,

but still I have to give 'em hope.

I have to tell them I remember what I started from.

I remember the incidents that happened to me.

And I remembered to not take all that with me.

The scars, my ancestor carried the scars for me

just told me, "remember that I took the scar for you."

'Cause the minute we let somebody defeat us,

it's over, this is just the way it's gonna always be.

Then we lost.

- [Kier] You said you grew up with your dad right?

- My dad was in the household,

he wasn't married to my mom but he was in the house.