you'd do before, you know? Like, getting married.

I thought I was gonna get married.

For me, I never thought I was gonna get married

cause I have all this divorce in my family, you know.

I also think when you get older as a woman,

marriage just becomes a little more appealing,

'cause marriage is set up for girls

as an offer that you just cannot refuse.

If someone came up to me on the street randomly,

and marriage as an institution, did not exist,

and someone was just like, "Excuse me ma'am.

Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring?

And a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you

whatever the (bleep) you want?

And then you get to move into somebody else's house

and get on their health insurance plan.

And then if they cheat on you,

you get half their shit, no questions asked...

would you be interested in that?"

Yeah, man, yeah, yeah.

How do I get all that shit?

Well, you just have to have sex with the same man

for the rest of your life.

Ohhh.

You know what? (Bleep) it. I have Tylenol PM.

Let's do this shit. Where do I sign up?

(giggles)

It's not that we love you.

We just want shit, okay?

It's the same thing with sex.

Like, we don't always have sex with you guys

because we like want that (bleep).

No!

No!

Okay, Half the time I have sex with a guy,

it's because it burns calories.

(applause)

I'm like oh, God. I had that lasagna today...

I don't have time to go to the gym, so...

I should probably just (bleep) this guy.

(sighs)

But I really go for it, you know.

I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights.

I get in there...