I'm here for my annual physical.

I haven't been in years

because I didn't have health insurance.

- Great.

Fill out this stack of paperwork

that you know none of the information for

and wait an hour after your

scheduled appointment to be seen.

- Really?

An hour, even though there's literally no one else here?

- Mhmm.

- Step on in.

Time for a canned joke about gaining weight.

(laughing)

- I am laughing but I tie a lot of my personal value

to the number on the scale, and if it's too high

I'm gonna be devastated.

Hey, can I waste your time by acting

like taking off my jacket's gonna

make any difference at all?

I don't wanna tear this paper,

but I don't know why I give a shit

because it's just paper.

- Hi, I know that you waited long,

but I'm still gonna say that I hope you didn't.

- Oh, that's okay.

I've just been on my cellphone despite all the signs

telling me not to.

- Now I know what you're thinking,

and yes, I am younger than you.

- Oh, yeah, that's what I thought.

Well, now I'm wondering are you qualified,

but also, what am I doing with my life?

(laughing)

- Let's get started.

Tell me everything that's wrong with your family.

Interesting.

Now you could have all of that or none of that,

either way, most likely we won't be able

to tell until it's too late.

- Oh, okay.

- Now I can tell just by looking at you

how much you exercise, but, I'm still gonna have to ask.

- Every day, but I do consider walking

from the couch to the toilet exercise.

- Great, while you're lying, let's talk

about how much you drink.

- Oh god, the real number shocks even me,

but if I say it out loud,

it's kinda cementing a problem, right?

So let's just say one or two times a week.

- Shit-faced every weekend, gotcha.

Can't believe I have to ask this one, but do you smoke?

Or were you not clear that that's a terrible thing

to do to your body?

- I do smoke, but only weed, and since I was

so honest about that, I don't feel bad

about lying about that other stuff.

- Cool, well all of that doesn't tell me really much

of anything, so let's get you checked out.

- Okay.

- 120 over 80.

- Oh good, I have no idea what that means.

- And breathe like a weirdo.

(gasping)

- Ah.

- Gross.

Anything else before you leave?

- I guess there's this one tiny thing

that bothers me every day, but I do nothing about it.

- Let me write you a prescription for that

so that this annual physical that's supposed

to be covered by your insurance is now a consultation visit

that you have to pay for.

- Oh.

- But don't worry, you won't find out

until you get the bill in the mail.

- Oh, well thank you so much.

I'll see you never again.