The next four years are about to be

the worst four years of your entire life

and I'm not gonna make it easier for you.

Are you pumped?

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Honestly?

Don't even try with your daughter anymore.

She's a lost cause.

- So, according to this

your son's stupid.

- So the positive a-factor is 34.0.

- Um, excuse me.

I'm pretty sure that's wrong.

- Excuse me?

- That equation is wrong.

- First of all, it's right

'cause there's no way in hell I would write this shit.

I took it from the textbook.

Second of all, who are you?

You have a D-minus.

- I actually have a D-plus.

- You wanna make it a D-minus?

That's what I thought.

So the negative a-factor is 51.8.

(quiet orchestral music)

- If you're gonna cheat

at least cheat off the smart kid, stupid.

So, if your son interrupts me in class one more time

I'm just gonna punch him in the face.

Cool?

- So, um, I don't know if you know this

but your son is really hot.

Is he single?

- Alright guys, this is the Pythagorean theorem.

- This is long division.

- This is the capital of Uganda.

- These are the different types of dinosaurs.

- [Both] But this is never gonna help you in life.

(ding)

- Okay, I'm gonna be real with you.

I'm so hungover right now and I can't deal with your shit.

So you're gonna take this 20 dollars,

you're gonna go back in there

and you're gonna shut the fuck up.

(exhales)

- So, after meeting you, I finally understand

why your son is so annoying.

He gets it from you.

- Hi, class.

I'm your substitute teacher today.

We will be watching a movie.

Close your eyes during the sex scenes.

I won't.

It's been awhile.

- Alright class.

Since you guys were annoying the hell out of me yesterday

there's gonna be a pop quiz and the best part about it

is when you're done just pass it to your neighbor

'cause you're gonna mark each other's quizzes.

I'll be sitting here.

Please, please do not have any more kids.

Your son is the worst student I've ever had

in my entire existence of teaching.

I hate your son so much that I hate men altogether.

I've even deleted all of my dating apps,

(sighs)

including Tinder.

- Let's be real.

I make about 35,000 a year

so if you want your sons grades to go up

you're gonna have to slide me some money.

I take debit, credit, Apple Pay.

Yeah?

- (sobbing)

- Uh, miss, are you okay?

- No!

No, I'm not okay!

I have my period right now and I hate all of you guys.

(screams)

(hip hop music)