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  • As the coronavirus would say,

  • "Let's start with China."

  • Ever since Covid-19 emerged from Wuhan,

  • suspicions about its origins have been rampant.

  • And today the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

  • leaked a report that when the outbreak started,

  • the Chinese government hid the severity of the problem

  • in order to hoard medical supplies

  • before other countries could stock up.

  • And I should have known that China was up to no good!

  • 'Cause my fortune cookie tried to warn me.

  • Those messages, man-- they're always so vague.

  • Yeah, I just watched Little Fires Everywhere.

  • Basically, you know what China's being accused of?

  • Is doing that thing that your shitty friend does

  • where they call you from a party like,

  • "Hey, don't bother coming to this party. No one's here."

  • And then, later you on, you see a selfie

  • where they posted themselves sitting at a table

  • with Rihanna and the cast of Stranger Things,

  • and you're like, "What the hell?!"

  • "Oh, it just happened, and I forgot to call you.

  • "There was nobody, and then there was everybody.

  • Ha, ha. I wish you were there."

  • In other news, one of the biggest winners

  • of the coronavirus pandemic has been Amazon,

  • the world's largest online retailer, and the only store

  • where you can get baby food and a dildo in the same order.

  • But while Jeff Bezos's net worth has gone up billions,

  • the people on the ground in his company

  • are having a terrible time.

  • With infections spreading through Amazon warehouses

  • faster than Prime delivery,

  • employees are demanding more protective equipment

  • and sanitizer, as well as hazard pay

  • and paid sick leave, which seems fair.

  • And now, one prominent

  • Amazon vice president has quit in disgust,

  • saying that the company has created a climate of fear

  • by firing protesting workers

  • instead of addressing their concerns,

  • a move that he described as "chicken shit."

  • And I'm not gonna lie. This guy definitely has balls,

  • because most of us wouldn't dare call Amazon "chicken shit."

  • I mean, they've got your home address, and

  • can leak your entire shopping history.

  • So I would never mess with them 'cause then everyone would know

  • that I bought a dildo and baby food,

  • which is so embarrassing, 'cause I don't... I don't have a baby.

  • I just like the texture.

  • But props to this guy for calling Amazon "chicken shit,"

  • which is a great insult and something you can also buy

  • on Amazon. They really do sell everything.

  • Moving on, if you've been getting bored with coronavirus,

  • and you wish there was anything else going on to think about,

  • well, be careful what you wish for.

  • WOMAN: Killer hornets invading the U.S. and Canada.

  • Asian giant hornets also known as "Murder Hornets,"

  • spotted in Washington state.

  • And they prey on honeybees that pollinate much of our food.

  • These hornets grow up to two inches long,

  • roughly five times the size of a bee.

  • And in Japan where they originate,

  • they reportedly kill up to 50 people each year.

  • Their giant stingers capable of piercing a beekeeper's suit.

  • The mandibles-- there we go, you can sort of see them--

  • are pretty large.

  • Um, they're very, very sharp.

  • And that's what they use to decapitate bees,

  • and then they'll mash up the thorax

  • into a... into a "meatball," they call it,

  • and fly it back to feed to their larvae.

  • What...

  • the actual (bleep)?

  • Murder hornet? Murder hornet?

  • I want to go back to the days

  • when the craziest animal thing was Keyboard Cat.

  • How do they do that, by the way?

  • 'Cause it was playing, and it was actually pretty good.

  • Because right now, 2020 Mother Nature is out of control.

  • A killer virus is one thing, but murder hornets?

  • Sounds like someone is just combining the scariest words.

  • I mean, what's next? Nunchuck wolves?

  • (growling)

  • Okay, I was picturing more like wolves holding nunchucks,

  • but I mean, I guess that would be weird, too.

  • Honestly, these murder hornets just sounds like psychos.

  • They cut off the heads of bees and then they mash up the thorax

  • into a meatball and fly it back to feed their larvae.

  • I thought only Rudy Giuliani fed his family that way. Ugh.

  • And if you ask me,

  • these hornets are just being unnecessarily petty.

  • Just going around decapitating bees.

  • How about some unity, huh?

  • Bee best.

  • (chuckles): Get it? "Bee."

  • It's day 49, guys-- I'm... I'm struggling.

  • And finally, over the past few weeks,

  • rumors have been swirling over the health of Kim Jong-un,

  • North Korean dictator and disgraced former member

  • of the Teletubbies.

  • Well, now, after tons of speculation

  • about whether he was dead or sick

  • or in a medically induced food coma,

  • the Dear Leader has reemerged.

  • NEWSWOMAN: For 20 days, the world wondered,

  • "Where is Kim Jong-un?"

  • -(speaking Korean) -Now North Korea's state media

  • airing footage appearing to show

  • the country's mysterious leader

  • visiting a newly completed fertilizer plant.

  • Joined by his trusted sister Kim Yo-jong.

  • President Trump appears to have confirmed

  • that Kim Jong-un is indeed alive and well.

  • The president tweeting, "I, for one,

  • am glad to see he is back and well."

  • Yeah. Of course Trump is happy Kim Jong-un is back.

  • (like Trump): Thank God.

  • I'm no longer definitely the worst person on earth.

  • Now it's debatable again.

  • By the way, if you ever have to use the phrase "I, for one,"

  • it means you're about to suggest some messed-up shit.

  • It's never something good. It's always something like,

  • "Well, I, for one, think we should leave the dead prostitute

  • in the trunk, and go to the casino as we planned."

  • But yeah, according to North Korean media,

  • Kim Jong-un is alive and well

  • and didn't have any type of surgery.

  • And personally, I don't know why I wouldn't believe him.

  • He looks like the same old Kim to me.

  • Now, I know that some people are saying that North Korea

  • could have aired old footage of him,

  • but the truth is, with North Korea,

  • there's no way to tell.

  • That country's 30 years behind the rest of the world.

  • Kim Jong-un could come out, like,

  • "If I weren't alive right now, how could I be holding

  • this brand-new VHS of Terminator 2? Huh?"

  • So, it looks like that's the end

  • of the Kim Jong-un death speculation for now.

  • And I'll be honest, I almost feel bad for the guy.

  • Imagine your health was so bad

  • that every time you stayed in the house to chill,

  • people were like: (gasps) He dead.

As the coronavirus would say,

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B1 中級

金正恩は生きている (Kim Jong-un Is Alive)

  • 5 0
    Amy.Lin に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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