We just got back from a week-long hiatus.

Although let's be honest, "back" isn't quite the right word,

because I didn't go anywhere.

I just sat here with the lights off,

quietly performing "Closer Looks" to myself

about how every time I kill a wasp in the attic,

three more appear to avenge their kin.

I got so bored, I started parting my hair

on the other side.

And sure, sure,

I also did some drinking alone, which is depressing.

I mean, it's always depressing.

But a year ago, I was drinking with Rihanna,

so this is a precipitous drop-off.

And look, I know this is a long shot, but, Rihanna,

if you're on Zoom, my meeting I.D. is 917-112-15

and the password is "Work work work work work work from home."

Anyway, let's just get into it without a segue.

The president suggested the coronavirus could be cured

with disinfectants, then said he was joking,

then threatened to stop doing press briefings altogether,

which of course we know he can't do

because he loves cameras more than wasps love my attic.

There's the segue. For more on this,

it's time for "A Closer Look."

♪♪

I got to be honest, when we went on hiatus a week ago,

I did not expect that when we came back

I'd be talking about the president suggesting

you could use disinfectants and powerful lights

to cure coronavirus, but then again that's on me.

I mean, I should have expected it.

We should all know by now Trump will be more outlandish

with each passing week because that's his nature.

It's like the frog and the scorpion fable.

I won't go through the whole thing, but at the end,

the scorpion stings the frog, and as they sink

to their deaths, the frog says, "Why would you sting me?"

And the scorpion responds,

[As Trump] "Some people are saying scorpion venom

is an effective treatment for the coronavirus.

I'm not a doctor, but I have -- you know, I have heard that,

and what do you have to lose?

Blub, blub, this is Obama's fault."

That was a scorpion drowning.

We have to expect this nonsense.

Looking back, I should have known

I'd be doing my show from the attic

before this was all over.

When Trump won in 2016, I should have called up

the wardrobe department and said,

"Hey, could I get a few more shirts to put in my attic

in case I ever have to do the show up there?"

And they would have said, "How many?"

And I would have said, "Five.

I mean, I can't imagine it will be for more than a week."

And then they would have said, "Okay,

but if it's more than a week, you'll have to rotate shirts,"

And I'd say, "Guys, it's not gonna be more than a week."

Long story short, this shirt has now been on camera

more than any recurring character

I ever did on "SNL."

So, congratulations, shirt.

Anyway, after the president said that psychotic thing

in a White House briefing last week,

he cycled through his usual series of obviously BS excuses,

starting with the classic, "I was just joking,"

because if there's one thing people want from leadership

during a pandemic, it's sarcasm,

and that was me using sarcasm.

-I was asking a question sarcastically to reporters

like you, just to see what would happen.

But I was asking a sarcastic -- and a very sarcastic question

to the reporters in the room

about disinfectant on the inside.

Okay.

-But you were asking your medical experts to look into it.

-No. No, no, no.

-Were you being sarcastic with them?

-To look into whether or not sun

and disinfectant on the hands,

but whether or not sun can help us.

-You have two renowned scientists working with you.

Why are you pitching ideas like a 6th-century Druid?

"Maybe the sun can help us. Have we thought about sun?"

More often than not, Trump's ideas for solutions

are things that have always been there

and require no work or effort from him.

He's like a kid who forgot it was show-and-tell.

"While I appreciate everything my classmates

have brought in today, I would like you to direct your eyes

out the window to an item I brought

which is 100 times the size of Earth."

"Did you forget, Tyler?

Did you forget it was show-and-tell day?"

"I did. I did forget.

"Also, my diorama is just my mouth."

And you were not talking to reporters.

You turned to your medical advisers,

directly addressed them,

and asked them to look into it.

-And then I see the disinfectant

where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute,

and is there a way we can do something like that,

uh, by injection inside or --

or almost a cleaning?

Because you see it gets in the lungs

and it does a tremendous number on the lungs,

so it would be interesting to check that,

so that you're going to have to use medical doctors with.

But it sounds -- it sounds interesting to me.

I would like you to speak to the medical doctors

to see if there's any way that you can apply

light and heat to cure, you know?

If you could. And maybe you can, maybe you can't.

Again, I say maybe you can, maybe you can't.

I'm not a doctor. But I'm like a person

that has a good, you know what.

-But, sir, you're the president.

-Deborah, have you ever heard of that...

the heat and the light relative to certain viruses,

yes, but relative to this virus?

-Just look at Dr. Birx's face

while he's asking her these insane questions.

If this keeps up, she's gonna start wearing five more scarves.

And look, we just need to be prepared.

This is going to keep happening.

Trump is a powerful dumb guy,

and he is friends with other powerful dumb guys,

and they like to call each other up

and pitch their dumb ideas to each other.

The whole thing is like a lifelong episode of "Shark Tank"

where no one has a good idea and everyone wins.

"They're called sock gloves."

"Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.

Yeah, we're all -- we're all in."

At his next press conference, Trump's gonna tell people

they can replenish their energy by eating one battery a day.

"Some people need double-A. Some people need triple-A.

The other day, someone on the street told me I'm a giant D."

Look, this matters, sadly, because Trump is,

you know, he's the president,

and unfortunately, people listen to him,

as Maryland's Republican governor Larry Hogan

explained on Sunday.

-We had hundreds of calls come into our emergency hotline

at our health department, asking if it was right

to ingest Clorox or, you know,

alcohol cleaning products,

whether that was going to help them fight the virus.

So we had to put out that warning to make sure

that people were not doing something like that

which would kill people, actually, to do it.

-Jesus.

Clorox is gonna have to add a new warning to their labels.

"Keep away from children and the President of the United States."

I mean, this idiot gets on TV and pitches harebrained ideas

that are liable to get people killed

because he thinks he's a medical genius, and dude,

you're not Jonas Salk.

You're Jonas Sulk.

Remember, he began this whole outbreak

by repeatedly ignoring dire warnings

from public health officials

and claiming it would go away like a miracle.

Now, over 50,000 Americans are dead

and at least 26 million are out of work,

and the president is still insisting

there will be a miraculous ending.

Over the weekend he tweeted,

"I never said that the coronavirus is a 'Hoax,'

I said that the Democrats and the way they lied about it

are a Hoax.

Also, it did start with 'one person from China,'

and then grew, and will be a 'Miracle' end!"

No, it's not a miracle end

if in the process people die or lose their jobs.

They wouldn't have called it "The Miracle on Ice"

if the entire American hockey team had drowned

in Lake Placid.

Also, this will end, not because of a miracle,

but thanks to the hard work of medical professionals

as well as the collective efforts we're making

as a society to slow the spread.

You know, hard work and sacrifice.

But Trump can't recognize either of those.

Trump is the kind of guy who if you slaved all day

in the kitchen to make him a four-course meal

would finish it and say, "What's your secret?

Is it miracles?

I feel like I tasted miracles in here."

This stuff is hurting him politically.

When the coronavirus outbreak first began,

and Trump was getting free unlimited airtime

on all the news networks, his poll numbers

actually went up despite his dismal response,

which makes sense because that's how Trump got popular

in the first place.

He was always on TV, first "The Apprentice,"

then "Celebrity Apprentice,"

then his years as a racist blowhard

who was always on cable news.

I'm pretty sure he even popped up in those Liberty Mutual ads.

Remember, he was the guy who said insurance

is a waste of money because nothing bad ever happens,

and when it does you just wait for miracles.

And then of course there was his presidential run,

where cable networks breathlessly awaited

his speeches by training their cameras on his empty podium.

Remember that?

When the Democratic candidate for president

had to compete for the media's attention with furniture?

Trump loses this year, who are the Republicans

gonna run in 2024?

A racist beanbag chair that brags about how many women

have sat on him?

"Folks, I've seen more asses than you'd believe."

Now, pollsters suspected Trump's initial rise in the polls

was what they call a "rally around the flag effect,"

in which Americans show their support for the president

in a time of crisis.

And sure enough, Trump's poll numbers

have already begun to fall again.

"Trump's approval rating is down significantly from 49% in March,

while his disapproval rating is up 9% from 45%.

Trump had the shortest rally around the flag event

in modern presidential history."

Which is surprising for a guy who knows a thing or two

about rallying around the flag.

I mean, my God, these two look like they just met in person

for the first time on "Love is Blind,"

and you can tell immediately from the flag's reaction

she is not into it.

This is a classic Jessica-Mark situation.

And yes, I did watch all of "Love is Blind" in two days.

And I have said it before, but when this is all over

and we all have a lot less on our plates,

we need to talk about Jessica.

Anyway, the point is this --

it can be maddening in a crisis like this

to see Trump up at that podium every day

yelling at reporters and telling people, you know, to huff Lysol,

or Mitch McConnell doling out tax breaks to big corporations

while decrying so-called blue state bailouts.