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  • -Hello, everyone, and welcome to the attic again.

  • We just got back from a week-long hiatus.

  • Although let's be honest, "back" isn't quite the right word,

  • because I didn't go anywhere.

  • I just sat here with the lights off,

  • quietly performing "Closer Looks" to myself

  • about how every time I kill a wasp in the attic,

  • three more appear to avenge their kin.

  • I got so bored, I started parting my hair

  • on the other side.

  • And sure, sure,

  • I also did some drinking alone, which is depressing.

  • I mean, it's always depressing.

  • But a year ago, I was drinking with Rihanna,

  • so this is a precipitous drop-off.

  • And look, I know this is a long shot, but, Rihanna,

  • if you're on Zoom, my meeting I.D. is 917-112-15

  • and the password is "Work work work work work work from home."

  • Anyway, let's just get into it without a segue.

  • The president suggested the coronavirus could be cured

  • with disinfectants, then said he was joking,

  • then threatened to stop doing press briefings altogether,

  • which of course we know he can't do

  • because he loves cameras more than wasps love my attic.

  • There's the segue. For more on this,

  • it's time for "A Closer Look."

  • ♪♪

  • I got to be honest, when we went on hiatus a week ago,

  • I did not expect that when we came back

  • I'd be talking about the president suggesting

  • you could use disinfectants and powerful lights

  • to cure coronavirus, but then again that's on me.

  • I mean, I should have expected it.

  • We should all know by now Trump will be more outlandish

  • with each passing week because that's his nature.

  • It's like the frog and the scorpion fable.

  • I won't go through the whole thing, but at the end,

  • the scorpion stings the frog, and as they sink

  • to their deaths, the frog says, "Why would you sting me?"

  • And the scorpion responds,

  • [As Trump] "Some people are saying scorpion venom

  • is an effective treatment for the coronavirus.

  • I'm not a doctor, but I have -- you know, I have heard that,

  • and what do you have to lose?

  • Blub, blub, this is Obama's fault."

  • That was a scorpion drowning.

  • We have to expect this nonsense.

  • Looking back, I should have known

  • I'd be doing my show from the attic

  • before this was all over.

  • When Trump won in 2016, I should have called up

  • the wardrobe department and said,

  • "Hey, could I get a few more shirts to put in my attic

  • in case I ever have to do the show up there?"

  • And they would have said, "How many?"

  • And I would have said, "Five.

  • I mean, I can't imagine it will be for more than a week."

  • And then they would have said, "Okay,

  • but if it's more than a week, you'll have to rotate shirts,"

  • And I'd say, "Guys, it's not gonna be more than a week."

  • Long story short, this shirt has now been on camera

  • more than any recurring character

  • I ever did on "SNL."

  • So, congratulations, shirt.

  • Anyway, after the president said that psychotic thing

  • in a White House briefing last week,

  • he cycled through his usual series of obviously BS excuses,

  • starting with the classic, "I was just joking,"

  • because if there's one thing people want from leadership

  • during a pandemic, it's sarcasm,

  • and that was me using sarcasm.

  • -I was asking a question sarcastically to reporters

  • like you, just to see what would happen.

  • But I was asking a sarcastic -- and a very sarcastic question

  • to the reporters in the room

  • about disinfectant on the inside.

  • Okay.

  • -But you were asking your medical experts to look into it.

  • -No. No, no, no.

  • -Were you being sarcastic with them?

  • -To look into whether or not sun

  • and disinfectant on the hands,

  • but whether or not sun can help us.

  • -You have two renowned scientists working with you.

  • Why are you pitching ideas like a 6th-century Druid?

  • "Maybe the sun can help us. Have we thought about sun?"

  • More often than not, Trump's ideas for solutions

  • are things that have always been there

  • and require no work or effort from him.

  • He's like a kid who forgot it was show-and-tell.

  • "While I appreciate everything my classmates

  • have brought in today, I would like you to direct your eyes

  • out the window to an item I brought

  • which is 100 times the size of Earth."

  • "Did you forget, Tyler?

  • Did you forget it was show-and-tell day?"

  • "I did. I did forget.

  • "Also, my diorama is just my mouth."

  • And you were not talking to reporters.

  • You turned to your medical advisers,

  • directly addressed them,

  • and asked them to look into it.

  • -And then I see the disinfectant

  • where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute,

  • and is there a way we can do something like that,

  • uh, by injection inside or --

  • or almost a cleaning?

  • Because you see it gets in the lungs

  • and it does a tremendous number on the lungs,

  • so it would be interesting to check that,

  • so that you're going to have to use medical doctors with.

  • But it sounds -- it sounds interesting to me.

  • I would like you to speak to the medical doctors

  • to see if there's any way that you can apply

  • light and heat to cure, you know?

  • If you could. And maybe you can, maybe you can't.

  • Again, I say maybe you can, maybe you can't.

  • I'm not a doctor. But I'm like a person

  • that has a good, you know what.

  • -But, sir, you're the president.

  • -Deborah, have you ever heard of that...

  • the heat and the light relative to certain viruses,

  • yes, but relative to this virus?

  • -Just look at Dr. Birx's face

  • while he's asking her these insane questions.

  • If this keeps up, she's gonna start wearing five more scarves.

  • And look, we just need to be prepared.

  • This is going to keep happening.

  • Trump is a powerful dumb guy,

  • and he is friends with other powerful dumb guys,

  • and they like to call each other up

  • and pitch their dumb ideas to each other.

  • The whole thing is like a lifelong episode of "Shark Tank"

  • where no one has a good idea and everyone wins.

  • "They're called sock gloves."

  • "Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.

  • Yeah, we're all -- we're all in."

  • At his next press conference, Trump's gonna tell people

  • they can replenish their energy by eating one battery a day.

  • "Some people need double-A. Some people need triple-A.

  • The other day, someone on the street told me I'm a giant D."

  • Look, this matters, sadly, because Trump is,

  • you know, he's the president,

  • and unfortunately, people listen to him,

  • as Maryland's Republican governor Larry Hogan

  • explained on Sunday.

  • -We had hundreds of calls come into our emergency hotline

  • at our health department, asking if it was right

  • to ingest Clorox or, you know,

  • alcohol cleaning products,

  • whether that was going to help them fight the virus.

  • So we had to put out that warning to make sure

  • that people were not doing something like that

  • which would kill people, actually, to do it.

  • -Jesus.

  • Clorox is gonna have to add a new warning to their labels.

  • "Keep away from children and the President of the United States."

  • I mean, this idiot gets on TV and pitches harebrained ideas

  • that are liable to get people killed

  • because he thinks he's a medical genius, and dude,

  • you're not Jonas Salk.

  • You're Jonas Sulk.

  • Remember, he began this whole outbreak

  • by repeatedly ignoring dire warnings

  • from public health officials

  • and claiming it would go away like a miracle.

  • Now, over 50,000 Americans are dead

  • and at least 26 million are out of work,

  • and the president is still insisting

  • there will be a miraculous ending.

  • Over the weekend he tweeted,

  • "I never said that the coronavirus is a 'Hoax,'

  • I said that the Democrats and the way they lied about it

  • are a Hoax.

  • Also, it did start with 'one person from China,'

  • and then grew, and will be a 'Miracle' end!"

  • No, it's not a miracle end

  • if in the process people die or lose their jobs.

  • They wouldn't have called it "The Miracle on Ice"

  • if the entire American hockey team had drowned

  • in Lake Placid.

  • Also, this will end, not because of a miracle,

  • but thanks to the hard work of medical professionals

  • as well as the collective efforts we're making

  • as a society to slow the spread.

  • You know, hard work and sacrifice.

  • But Trump can't recognize either of those.

  • Trump is the kind of guy who if you slaved all day

  • in the kitchen to make him a four-course meal

  • would finish it and say, "What's your secret?

  • Is it miracles?

  • I feel like I tasted miracles in here."

  • This stuff is hurting him politically.

  • When the coronavirus outbreak first began,

  • and Trump was getting free unlimited airtime

  • on all the news networks, his poll numbers

  • actually went up despite his dismal response,

  • which makes sense because that's how Trump got popular

  • in the first place.

  • He was always on TV, first "The Apprentice,"

  • then "Celebrity Apprentice,"

  • then his years as a racist blowhard

  • who was always on cable news.

  • I'm pretty sure he even popped up in those Liberty Mutual ads.

  • Remember, he was the guy who said insurance

  • is a waste of money because nothing bad ever happens,

  • and when it does you just wait for miracles.

  • And then of course there was his presidential run,

  • where cable networks breathlessly awaited

  • his speeches by training their cameras on his empty podium.

  • Remember that?

  • When the Democratic candidate for president

  • had to compete for the media's attention with furniture?

  • Trump loses this year, who are the Republicans

  • gonna run in 2024?

  • A racist beanbag chair that brags about how many women

  • have sat on him?

  • "Folks, I've seen more asses than you'd believe."

  • Now, pollsters suspected Trump's initial rise in the polls

  • was what they call a "rally around the flag effect,"

  • in which Americans show their support for the president

  • in a time of crisis.

  • And sure enough, Trump's poll numbers

  • have already begun to fall again.

  • "Trump's approval rating is down significantly from 49% in March,

  • while his disapproval rating is up 9% from 45%.

  • Trump had the shortest rally around the flag event

  • in modern presidential history."

  • Which is surprising for a guy who knows a thing or two

  • about rallying around the flag.

  • I mean, my God, these two look like they just met in person

  • for the first time on "Love is Blind,"

  • and you can tell immediately from the flag's reaction

  • she is not into it.

  • This is a classic Jessica-Mark situation.

  • And yes, I did watch all of "Love is Blind" in two days.

  • And I have said it before, but when this is all over

  • and we all have a lot less on our plates,

  • we need to talk about Jessica.

  • Anyway, the point is this --

  • it can be maddening in a crisis like this

  • to see Trump up at that podium every day

  • yelling at reporters and telling people, you know, to huff Lysol,

  • or Mitch McConnell doling out tax breaks to big corporations

  • while decrying so-called blue state bailouts.

  • Or small groups of unhinged right wing protesters

  • screaming at nurses funded by conservative groups

  • and cheered on by Fox News.

  • But just remember that these people have always been

  • and continue to be massively unpopular.

  • Just take the protesters.

  • Polls show Americans overwhelmingly support

  • the social distancing measures used to fight coronavirus.

  • You just don't see them on TV,