字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント - Let's kick it off with the big news. (upbeat instrumental music) Whether you wanna believe in coronavirus or not, it is real and today the Unites States passed the 10,000 coronavirus deaths. And experts are saying that that number is probably undercounting things because apparently many deaths in the U.S. have been labeled as pneumonia or influenza when they were likely coronavirus. Now, as America reaches the hardest week yet of this epidemic states around the country have been begging the federal government to help them find ventilators for their overcrowded hospitals, but because the federal government took so long to react to this crisis, (air whooshes) President Trump just doesn't have enough ventilators to go around. (air whooshes) What he can give people, though, is some unsolicited medical advice. - [Reporter] President Trump says he thinks doctors should use the drug hydroxychloroquine to treat patients who've tested positive. - That's hydroxychloroquine and azithromycin, and again you have to go through your medical people, get the approval, but I've seen things that I sort of like so what do I know, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. - Okay, here's what I don't get. Trump is acknowledging he's not a doctor while legitimate doctors, who could answer these questions, are standing right there next to him. Why are we getting his opinion at all? Imagine if you went in for a checkup and there was just some random dude behind your doctor giving his opinion like, "If you ask me, it looks like "you got some of that AIDS cancer. "But what do I know, I'm just a guy who hangs out here." I do have to give some credit to Trump, though, for at least giving us a disclaimer that he's not a doctor. I mean, he doesn't normally do that. In fact, he should end all of his coronavirus press conferences like a pharmaceutical ad. He's just come out like, "Donald Trump is not a doctor "and his advice should not be taken seriously. "If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, "please let Donald Trump know 'cause that's pretty cool." Now, before you get depressed by the fact that America is being led by someone who knows less about medicine than Dr. Pepper, there is still a lot of good news out there. Don't lose hope. For instance, in Europe, although Spain and Italy are still reporting more than 10,000 new infections each day, their corona numbers are finally slowing down which could be a sign that the worst has past. And South Korea, they're superstars. They've reported only 47 new cases yesterday, and with fewer that 200 deaths out of a population of 51 million people, South Korea has basically emerged as maybe the only nation to have handled the pandemic with near complete success. And I mean, let's be honest, South Korea was always gonna beat corona because from what I can tell, everyone in that country has a basement inside their basement. (image pops) So I mean, if you're the virus, good luck finding a South Korean person. (air whooshes) But maybe the best news of all is that there are rumors that Netflix might be dropping a new episode of "Tiger King", people. That's right. Jeff Lowe told a fan online that he had been filmed for a new episode scheduled to drop this week. Yeah, and when has Jeff Lowe ever lied. I mean, if you can't trust a 65 year old man who dresses like a rebellious teenager, who can you trust? And I guess this is how low the bar has gotten for what counts as good news right now. We find out there's more episodes about deranged murderers and people being cruel to animals and we're like, "Yes! "Oh, some good news, thank you, Lord." And I'm gonna be honest guys, I am terrified of this news because every episode of "Tiger King" (air whooshes) has been crazier than the previous episode. (air whooshes) So what's gonna happen in this new episode? Are we gonna find out Carole Baskin and her husband faked his death to get the insurance money, and he's been secretly living inside one of those tigers all along. Ah! But let's move on. Over the weekend, we got a major update from the CDC. After months of telling us that only sick people should be wearing masks, the CDC now says everyone should cover their faces with masks made from cloth like shirts or bandanas or scarves, because apparently even people who don't have symptoms of coronavirus can unknowingly spread the coronavirus. We are all coronavirus. Sounds like an inspirational message. Even if you don't feel corona, corona can feel you. So basically, any time we go outside for essentials, all of us should have a bandana or something on our face. The CDC's gonna have everybody looking like broke-ass "Mortal Kombat" characters. Get over here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, dude, coronavirus. Not that close, just get over there. But still, folks, that's a major shift from the CDC and it's already having a big impact. For instance, Joe Biden said that from now he will wear a mask in public because it's important to follow the science. Meanwhile, President Trump has said that these guidelines are voluntary and he will probably not wear a mask, which, let's be honest, doesn't surprise anyone. Trump is all about appearance. He's not going to be wearing a mask, he doesn't care about safety. In fact, the only way they can get him to wear a mask is if his aides trick him. Yeah, they just gotta trick him like he's a child, "No, Mr. President, it's not a mask, "it's a border wall for your face." "So viruses are like the Mexicans of germs. "I got it." (upbeat instrumental music) While the U.S. is bracing for an explosion of new coronavirus infections, the White House is also bracing for more backlash. You see, they haven't been listening to coronavirus warnings that they've been receiving for months. Just today, Axios reported that Peter Navarro, Trump's trade adviser, wrote a memo back in January where he warned very accurately that if America didn't take immediate action to stop the coronavirus, it would break out in the United States and it would kill hundreds of thousands of people. And on top of that, he also predicted that it would destroy the economy. So Trump got warnings from the HHS, got warnings from his intelligence agencies, and even got warnings from his own economic advisers, and he did heed any of those warnings. Basically, if there's ever a warning Trump just will ignore it. Yeah, coronavirus, (air whooshes) check engine light, (air whooshes) I bet even chocking hazards. (air whooshes) Half of Mike Pence's job is just pulling Legos out of Trump's throat. "It was a yellow piece "so I thought it was a piece of cheese." "I know, Mr. President, easy mistake to make, sir." Now, it turns out Trump has been ignoring so many warnings that "The Daily Show" investigation team managed to get some of Donald Trump's voicemails and it turns out, he was even ignoring warnings from coronavirus itself. (phone rings) - [Automated Voice] You have four messages in your inbox.