This video is sponsored by Surfshark, who are letting me panic but also helping to keep

me calm with many episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

As you know, I like to keep this channel as a little ray of positivity

- and polite sarcasm

In a cloudy internet world. As an eternal optimist

- I promise, life is actually pretty cool!

Not sarcasm.

Please subscribe.

I like to see the silver lining in everything, even though I live with chronic illness and

disabilities. And I want to share that with you, making you smile and feel bright. But

sometimes the best way to make you feel better, is just to share that

I'm also… panicking.

- Huh. That coronavirus, hey(?) Really keeping us on our toes (!)

We've been told since the beginning of the pandemic that COVID-19 mainly affects the

elderly and people with underlying health conditions, those deemed to be 'vulnerable

people' will be receiving the most help when socially isolating, or 'shielding',

but… what does that actually mean? Who is vulnerable? And what if, like me, you're

vulnerable but not 'vulnerable' in the right way?

Panic buying of food in the UK began long before we were on lockdown and to start with

it was actually pretty amusing: photos circulated on Twitter of supermarkets looking perfectly

normal bar the toilet paper aisle with their shelves bizarrely devoid of even a single

sheet. We left laughing emojis on videos of people attempting to steer their trolly around

corners as it overflowed 228 rolls of toilet paper-

- “don't they know that this is a respiratory virus, NOT one that makes you go to the loo?”

Well the joke's on us now we're in isolation without toilet paper, isn't it?

But then it all started to get a bit more serious and suddenly we were walking around

supermarkets with completely empty shelves and panicking that, oh, actually, maybe this

is something we should genuinely worry about…

And all of the slots for online delivery were gone.

And all of the supermarkets were barely restocking in time.

And then the government advised that those with ill health should stay in their houses

for 12 weeks.

And now here we are.

Sitting in my house.

Nearing the end of week 2.

Quietly panicking about food.

Because the British government have identified 1.5 million people who they class as being

'vulnerable' and who should be 'shielding' by avoiding the outside world and thus will

be receiving food parcels and extra help. This includes organ transplant recipients,

people with specific cancers, severe respiratory conditions,

rare diseases and those on immunosuppression

therapies. And if you're on that list and haven't yet received a text or a letter

from the government then please contact your GP IMMEDIATELY. Those in the vulnerable group

should not attend gatherings of any kind and should not leave the house for any reason,

including to buy food.

I have wasted intercostal muscles, I've previously had pneumonia and bronchitis

a number of times

and I have an autoimmune disease-

- you know that time I thought that I didn't actually have Mixed Connective Tissue Disease

because I've now been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome? Nope. According to my doctor

I have both. Fun (!) Moving on...

Despite that my conditions are not listed on the government's vulnerable list…

Now, don't get me wrong, I do NOT want to be sicker than I am, BUT there are a lot of

disabled and chronically ill people who are falling into a grey area of being vulnerable

but not vulnerable in the right way.

Think about it: yes, a person with severe respiratory issues cannot leave the house

because they would be more susceptible to catching COVID-19 but what about someone who

lives alone, uses a wheelchair and doesn't have any accessible shops in their area…?

Both of these people need online deliveries but only one can access the government's

database for vulnerable people.

Last week I slowly started to get more and more freaked out as our food supplies ran

low. I checked through every single supermarket delivery system. I sat in a four hour online

queue just to log in to my normal grocery delivery service only to be told that there

were no slots available for the next two weeks and no more orders would be taken.

Other supermarkets said they would only be delivering to those on the 'vulnerable'

list provided to them by the government or to older people (lord knows how they were

planning on working out ages from email addresses…)

- insert 'hotmail' joke here.

Yes, this is exactly what you're subscribing for.

I tried to sign up for the Government's 'vulnerable people' database but I don't

fit into their very narrow classification even though my GP told me on no uncertain

terms to put myself at risk or leave the house.

I realise it sounds like I'm whining but that's just because I'm smiling. What

I'm actually doing is panicking and crying on the inside.

I'm currently doing weekly livestreams on Sundays whilst stuck in isolation for 12 weeks

(thanks so much, faulty immune system) and I mentioned in the latest one that I've

become OBSESSED with Grey's Anatomy during this trying time. Why, you may ask?

Excellent question.

For some reason, my inner panic about world wide medical anxiety is quieted by watching

the over-the-top medical dramas of Seattle Grace Hospital where apparently every single

person with every single incredibly rare disorder or accident HAS TO GO to be saved by one of

just eight people, despite being in a hospital of hundreds, who all sleep with each other

and also discuss said sex during surgery which, by the way, is the only time they tie their

hair up!

Basically, every time I watch it with Claudia, who has a medical background and job

she feels the need to say:

- “non regulation hair and earings!”

To the extent that I now want to reach into the screen with a hair tie!

I can't tell you why watching fake medical drama soothes real medical drama but it actually

works and I'm much calmer now. Except I live in the UK, which means that I only have

access to the latest season AND THAT'S JUST NOT OKAY!

- but don't panic, I've found the solution thanks to today's sponsor, Surfshark.

Genuinely, thank you Surfshark, you have helped to calm my soul.

Surfshark is a VPN app and browser extension that allows you to access the internet safely

AND without barriers. A Virtual Private Network encrypts your data when you log on to public

wifi, meaning that hackers can't gain access. It also hides your IP meaning you can set

your location to anywhere in the world and thus watch videos that are available in those

countries but aren't in yours… like Grey's Anatomy season 15.

- I'm feeling very zen right now.

You'll also be able to unblock some great content that's here on YouTube, like clips

from American late night shows or things from the BBC here in the UK. I'm particularly

fond of Surfshark's VPN because it's the only one that lets you use one account across

unlimited devices. Meaning I can watch Grey's Anatomy on my phone, my ipad, my laptop AND

my desktop!

- Have I talked about Grey's Anatomy enough? It also has LESBIANS.

But this is not an advert for Grey's Anatomy because as fun as it is being able to access

content you can't normally see thanks to Surfshark, the most important factor is safety.

A VPN adds an extra layer of security when you're online to keep all of your passwords,

photos and videos safe. You might think it's hilarious sending ugly up-the-nose shots of

your fifteen chins to the private group chat but you'll think it's less hilarious when

a random stranger uses your wifi to steal it from you...

It's not just malicious data stealing that you'll be protected from, Surfshark will

also defend you from tracking, surveillance and commercial targeting! No malware, no phishing,

no insecurity when you're online banking, lots of Grey's Anatomy.

- other TV shows are available.

In fact, with a VPN, they're all available! Simply change your location and you'll be

amazed at all of the great things available on your streaming service that you never had

access to before!

Just click the link in the description of this video and use code JESSICA for 83% off

plus one extra month for free! AND Surfshark offers a 30-day money-back guarantee so there's

really no harm in trying it...

Surfshark does not monitor, track or store what you do online, it's just a safety net

that lets you surf the web in peace. And watch until the end of Grey's Anatomy.

- Oh god, please tell me what to watch when I get to the end of Grey's Anatomy…

Because this 'calm panic' is not very fun...

Imposter Syndrome with regards to illness is very real and probably a much larger topic

for another day. As it relates to the coronavirus though… It's seen me swinging between panic

with the pain and fear of having my lungs feel with gunk coming back to haunt me…

and then yelling at myself because I'm not still as ill as I was then so I need to pull

myself together… guilt for even feeling scared in the first place when there are others

so much worse than me… then realising that yes, if I did get the virus, I likely would

not do very well and I DO NOT want to end up back in hospital… but I won't, right?

But… I will?

And yes, perhaps I'm aiming all of that fear onto food and wanting to control something

that, much like my own health, I have just the slimmest margin of control over. But…

that's all I can do.

Sainsbury's were willing to create their own list of vulnerable and elderly people

but they only have a phone line (which isn't super accessible but sure(!)) and they've

received a year's worth of calls in two weeks. There are 10 million people aged over

70 in the UK. Can they handle putting them all on the list? And I know, I know that it

is so much worse for people in other countries, that I'm utterly and completely blessed

to have the NHS but the truth is that living without some kind of official, accepted cover

has left me feeling…

vulnerable.

- Is anyone else sick of the word 'vulnerable' yet?

I'm used to being called a 'vulnerable adult' although that's generally by social

workers and thanks to my cognitive problems…

- I'm a bit of a liability.

I know, surprising, isn't it? I can sit here talking in a video and sound very 'with

it' but if you send me into a shopping centre for food you'll find me three hours later

turning in circles and clutching a slipper.

Disability benefits in the UK come in two parts (there is supposedly a new system based

on overall points, which is dumb because you could score really highly on one axis but

not on another but never mind.... high rare care, high rate mobility. You can be on the

highest for both but still not be eligible for the 'vulnerable' status that gives

you access to food...

And look, I already HAVE a diagnosis and support in place. I'm already registered as disabled

so should the government open up their idea of what qualifies as 'vulnerable' to ALL

disabled people then I'll be fine… but what about people who aren't there yet?

There are many, many people who are in the process of being diagnosed, people who are

waiting for their benefits to come through, going through the welfare system, waiting

for a certificate that registers them as legally blind or in need...

In the end, last week, when we couldn't get any food delivered, we bit the bullet

and sent my wife out to the local supermarket for food. It's a small little local supermarket,

not in the city, so she queued for only an hour outside as they were letting just a limited

number of people into the shop at one time.

When she came home she washed her hands and changed her clothes and unpacked but… she

still left the house. She still came into contact with people in close quarters… and

She still picked things up from a shelf that someone else may have touched

and put back and

doesn't that completely negate the idea of isolating ourselves? I know some families

are keeping their distance even from each other but how would that work when I physically

need her help?

There are a large number of disabled and elderly people who are in a far worse situation than

me, who rely on carers who come in daily and don't live with them, which increases their

chance of infection massively as these people are going in and out. My carer, Clara, doesn't

have a car so has to take the bus to my house and wow buses are pretty gross at the best

of times…

She's been using a lot of her working hours searching for food recently because, oh I

forgot to add, I also have to follow a special medical diet that means I rely on fresh food

and can't just eat tins of beans or dried lentils or other things that make me bleed

internally because the hospital is not where I want to be right now.

I wish I had an answer to this problem, that this video had a message and a solution, but

it doesn't because I don't.

And that's okay. These are just my feelings. This is just my hand held out to you.

Am I allowed to be afraid? Yes. Are you? Yes.

We're all allowed to feel our feelings, no matter what they might be. No matter if

we're scared that they're not valid or know that there are others who have it worse

or a thousand people on social media who seem like they're coping so much better because

they can make jokes and laugh at this big scary, invisible monster that we're all

facing.

But that's the key: we're all facing it.