comes a movie adaptation for teenage girls who aren't smart enough for The Hunger

Games.

You'll be on the edge of your seat as voice-over describes everything.

"I would miss my harebrained mother."

"I used to spend two weeks there almost every summer."

"My first day at a new school."

Kind of like a book, actually.

"My dad's Charlie."

This catatonic teenager will fall for the world's gayest vampire.

A film that teaches young girls that the only thing that matters is finding a man...

a 100 year old man.

"So, how long have you been like this?"

"Since 1918."

But don't worry, it's not pedophilia because he looks 17.

Together, they will have the romance of a lifetime

expressed entirely in stares.

[dramatic music]

And even more stares.

[dramatic music]

A love challenged by the fact that he might accidentally f*ck her to death,

this special effect,

and her inability to pour ketchup.

A film that conditioned a generation of girls to think that love is keeping tabs on

each other every waking moment.

"Did you follow me?"

"I feel protective of you."

And even non-waking moments.

"I like watching you sleep."

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Just the past couple of months."

I know this looks creepy, but it's really romantic in the movie.

I promise.

Starring...

Vanilla

Shovel Face

and Troy Polamalu.

Twilight: it's just a metaphor for abstinence.

Seriously, look it up.

Get ready for an hour and a half of people standing in semi-circles,

council meetings,

different council meetings,

and sitting

just to get to 5 minutes of cool stuff.