Joining me today, he reads books you know, it's Chris Joel!

Hello!

Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!

Ultra-pure.

Silver plated.

And available from Lidl.

Is that just you? Are you just describing yourself there?

I don't want to know which bit's silver-plated!

And the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray!

Putting the butt into butter.

In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia, and these folks can't see it.

Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]

and there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is...

And today we are talking about BackpackersXpress.

Vwhoomph!

Oh, it would be doing that, yes.

Is it named because you can avoid them?

Literally the opposite.

Named so you can find them!

You're obliged to touch them! All the time on the journey.

"Welcome to the Backpackers' Express!

"Sit on a backpacker's lap! Have him feel you up from behind!"

You are actually slightly closer than you may think there,

so I'm actually going to give you a point. [DING]

So is this just a dating site for backpackers?

No, definitely not a dating site.

Definitely a form of transport.

Is it a bus?

No.

Is it two buses?

No.

Is it a train?

No!

Is it a tuk-tuk?

You're all thinking a bit too small and too short-haul here.

Is it a gigantic camel?

Is it the overnight flight from Europe to... eastern... climes?

Yeah, I'll give you a point. [DING] It was the idea of doing

that sort of flight for backpackers.

It's the "gap yah" trip.

It is the "gap yah" trip. Yes.

So would there be hold luggage or no hold luggage?

-- Well, this... -- No holds barred!

Wrestling in mid-air!

Just to be clear, this is not just the name of a flight,

this was going to be an airline.

Oh, that'll be the s***iest most run-down plane you've ever seen

twanging up to the edge of the runway, won't it?

All painted up on the side.

-- Old DC-3 done in graffiti! -- Yeah!

They will have come up with this idea before 2006.

Right, so Gary's getting a point for 'old planes' [DING]

they were going to sub-lease them,

and you're definitely getting a point for '06 [DING], it was 2003.

Why do you think that?

Because it was about 2006-2008 where all of the airlines went dead,

because no-one had any money.

Yes, that's pretty much right. In fact, you're going to have a point,

the answer was it closed down in 2005.

Is this the kind of airline where your seat allocation would say 'rear gunner',

that kind of thing?

It was going to be Boeing 747s, they were actually going that far.

-- Okay, okay. -- Ooh!

What would you want if you were a backpacker on an airplane?

Really, really, really cheap.

Yes. [DING]

Yes. Two ticket types: in and out!

What's out? Strap them to the wing?

Really, really intense!

Strapping you to the wing with duct tape?

To be fair, wing walking is a thing, but I think it's normally...

Twelve hour wing walk!

It's not on a jet engine, is what I'm saying!

First-come, first-serve. Just a big space, rip all the seats out,

pile 'em in, have it on a weight thing, it's like,

"right, we are now full, you're on the next one. Go!"

Big pile of backpackers, even in the hold.

Yeah, I'm guessing it's no-frills, bring your own food, kinda stuff.

See, that's not... I'm going to give Chris the point [DING],

it was certainly cheap, pack-'em-in, put 'em all together,

essentially a bus...

-- Like an Air-bus(!) -- If only!

There were some other things they were thinking of,

and it wasn't that kind of no-frills, bring-your-own-food.

Oh no. It is tedious things that people...

I'm going to insult people who go backpacking now, brace yourselves.

It it things that tedious people who might've gone backpacking might enjoy,

so like crafts and things like that?

Hemp seating!

Yeah. Opportunities to exchange long stories about just how ethnic you got

when you were out there and off the tourist trail you went.

Y'all have some very nice stereotypes of backpackers.

-- I'm right! -- I'm going to give you a point [DING] for stereotypes of backpackers...

No, you've got the good side of backpackers.

Don't go through customs?...

Oh-oh! Yeah.

Erm, it's certainly something to do with what you get duty free there.

Smuggling anything you want?

"We're still three miles out, get down the rest of your joint,

"this is your captain speaking..."

-- Oh, is it free booze? -- Oh, that's a point!

It's not free booze, but I'll give you the point [DING]

it was having a small pub on board. The airline was going to have an official...

Brewery!

Brewery! Spot on! [DING] Not even... I thought you were going to go for beer,

but brewery was exactly right, have a point.

Well, 747-400s when they first came in, the top deck was...

-- It was a cocktail bar, wasn't it? -- A cocktail bar, yeah!

It was the kind of place that people like David Frost

would lounge about and philander in mid-air.

Mid-air philanderer!

That's a fair point! What are -- you know you've got, like, international waters?

Where once you get outside... is it a five-mile limit or something?

-- It's three miles. -- Three mile limit.

You can do whatever thou wilst, 'cos you're in international waters,

right, hence pirate radio. What are the laws when you're in the air?

Well, the three-mile coastal waters thing is how far you could hit someone with a big ol' cannon.

-- Right. -- From back in the day.

So if you extrapolate that you end up with all sorts of worrying things

like ground-to-air missiles!

So I can answer this. It's the 1944 Convention on International Civil Aviation:

"all aircraft have the nationality of the state in which they are registered".

-- Aha. -- So if you're on a US flag-carrying plane, you can't drink under 21.

-- Ah, okay! -- If you're an Australian one, you can't drink...

I thought births were registered over the country that you're over?

If you have a birth outside, in international waters,

your birth location is listed as "at sea".

-- Yes it is. -- Nice.

And if you're on a plane, it can be listed as "in the air".

Those are valid entries on birth certificates.

I have seen a baptism entry, 1780s I think,

where the place of birth was given as the lat and long.

-- Wow! -- That's cool.

-- The child was called Atlantica. -- That's nice. That's nice.

And we checked the lat and long and it did come roughly in the middle of the Atlantic.

BackpackersXpress was going to be an airline with a pub on board

where backpackers would get cheap tickets and go over

and presumably anyone not wanting to be associated with a load of backpackers...

Would get a different flight!

-- Go on a different airline, yeah! -- Different flight, yes.

The air crew would encourage passengers to socialise.

-- Oh, f*** off! -- Oh, f*** off!

Spot the British people!

-- No way, no... -- Gotta love a bit of enforced fun.

Oh no, they'd have getting-to-know-you games while you were on the tarmac, wouldn't they?

I've done a bus... when I was lot younger,

I did that backpackers' bus through the Australian Outback, and it's horrible.

Oh, f*** off! Honestly!

Did you have top bants(?)

No! No, I didn't.

-- They didn't exist back then! -- That's fair.

You were yet to become the Archbishop of Banterbury that you would later be!

God, it's like... the bus driver playing music over the thing and saying,

"right, well these are the actions you should do!"

These are the actions you're f***ing doing!

These are the actions... there we go!

How long would that flight be? It'd be a good eight, nine hours, wouldn't it?

-- Eternity! -- But it would feel like you were there forever. Just people...

And it's a 24-hour flight from London anyway!

I would go on that airline only if there was a dedicated misanthropes' cabin at the front.

That... that... that's generally called first class on most airlines, Gary.

But on this one, not so much.

No, I'd be quite happy with access to the pub and everything else,

as long as I didn't have to talk to anyone else!

Again, that is first class. You're literally describing first class there.

The beds on airplanes I'm most interested in are the crew ones.

It depends on the plane but a lot of them are right in the nose,

directly below the flight deck.

Yep. And if you're on an A380, they have two and a half decks.

There is another half deck up in the very top of the plane,

with half-height... you can crawl in and get sleep there.

I want that one! I'd be fine with that!

No you wouldn't, 'cos you're going to be down there,

and then you're going to get up and whack your head on the thing.

Yeah, but I'm not with them f***ing backpackers, am I?!

That's... not unreasonable!

So what you're advocating actually is that you'll sleep in the wheel well if necessary?

Yeah! I'm not with them!

That's not... I think previous news incidents have declared

that is not a good place to sleep!

That is a good place to freeze, die, and fall out into someone's back yard.

I'm not with them, am I though?!

Backpackers. Freezing to death. Back...

Everybody round this table is going, "you know what, that is a bit of a tough choice".

So what did some of the industry experts,

looking at this airline's plans, what did they say?

"It's just going to be a tin can full of arseholes at 30,000 feet."

Yes. What was the media term for "tin full of arseholes at 30,000 feet"?

Sounds like he's nailed it to me, to be fair!

If you can define it better, I'd love to hear it!

Get angry in a car, what do you call it?

Road rage!

What do you call it in a plane?

-- Air rage! -- Air rage. Have a point [DING]

-- Creative! -- Yes.

"Disruptive or violent behaviour perpetrated on an aircraft."

I actually have the first case of air rage here,

and I'll give you a point if you can roughly guess the year.

Is it ridiculously early? Is it like 1915 when two pilots have a dust-up in mid-air?

I was going to say, I seem to remember this chap called the Red Baron

upset quite a lot of people...

Not between planes, I mean like gunner and pilot...

No, it has to be on a passenger plane.

-- Sixties. -- 1920s.

Yeah. That's going to be closest. Stuff like the little twin engine De Havilland,

when there's just 16 people getting high on...

Going between London and Paris, stuff like that.

Getting hammered on marg... not margaritas, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Martinis.

-- Yeah. -- So when are you saying?

Ah, 30s. De Havilland.

1938, Neville Chamberlain's flight back from Germany.

You said 30s first, I'm going to give it you. It was actually the 40s,

1947, on a flight from Havana to Miami. [DING]

It was simply a drunk man assaulting a passenger and biting a flight attendant.

Bite attendant!

Ahh! I'm sure that person appreciated the gag,

as you stood there with your martini behind...

-- "I think you'll find...!" -- "Bite attendant!"

"This isn't helping!"

Which led to the second incident of air rage!

Which is a flight attendant glassing someone!

That whole plane lands full of fight-injured people!

Well, this goes back to something we said earlier,

because they didn't know whose jurisdiction it was in,

no-one at the landing area really wanted to prosecute,

and they frequently got away with it.

And it eventually came to be that the laws of the country

where the aircraft was registered take precedence.

Has the thing happened with planes like has happened with boats,

where they're registered in tax havens?

That's a fair point, I was wondering that myself just then.

It's difficult to do that for most airlines,

because they want to be the flag carrier,

and they want to be registered in a...

British Airways wants to be registered in the UK.

There are still a lot of national flag carriers up there.

So if I wanted to have a mid-air fight club with no repercussions...?

-- Aeroflot. -- I was going to say, what is the best country to register my plane?

Air Astana!

Yeah! Like, Cayman Islands or something like that?

That's if you want to avoid tax. If you want to avoid being punished for hitting someone,

I think there are very few jurisdictions which simultaneously

don't have a law against that and can register a plane!

I'm going to say this; somewhere out there, there's some rich bloke

who's investigating that right now.

That's true. "What can we do in international waters? Oh, I don't know!"