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  • - All right Singapore.

  • This is happening la.

  • Did I nail that? Did I nail the "la"?

  • It's pretty good? All right.

  • I'm trying so hard to learn these Singaporean slangs.

  • I asked Comedy Central Asia, "So how can I tweak my bits

  • a little bit to resonate with the Singaporeans?"

  • They're like, "Ah easy la, you just put a "la"

  • at the end of each sentence, you'll be fine la."

  • (audience chuckles)

  • I was like, "No, no, no,

  • like you can do that.

  • I can't do that, right.

  • That'd be cultural appropriation, right.

  • And I'll have no part in this nonsense...

  • la."

  • (audience laughs)

  • Tell you guys a little bit something about myself.

  • My name is Brian.

  • I'm from Taiwan.

  • 28 years old, I still live with my parents.

  • Yeah. (audience cheers)

  • Yeah, there's pride in that, come on.

  • Yeah and you know why though, right?

  • I live off my parents because I'm from Taiwan,

  • I can't like, declare independence or whatever.

  • (audience groans)

  • Yeah, it's usually frowned upon on the international stage.

  • Yeah that's what happens.

  • But you know, first time in Singapore.

  • I love the place.

  • I just got here yesterday.

  • But when I landed, I sorta found that I had a sore throat.

  • And I was like, "No, I'm doing Comedy Central Asia tomorrow."

  • I have to find an ENT clinic right.

  • So I whipped out my phone, opened Google Maps.

  • I'm a lazy guy, so you know I use the speech to text feature.

  • And I say to my phone like "er bi hou ker"

  • which is "ENT clinic" in Mandarin right.

  • But I forgot to switch languages,

  • so when I said "er bi hou ker",

  • it was like "happy hooker",

  • (audience laughs)

  • which is not what I was looking for at first.

  • (audience laughs)

  • But just outta curiosity I was like,

  • "Yes!"

  • Yeah I'm like, I'm not the only one with a sore throat tonight.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Guess what I found, I found no results.

  • Singapore,

  • your hookers are not happy.

  • (audience laughs)

  • You guys know there's actually a store

  • called Happy Hooker in Chicago?

  • Yeah, it sells fishing supplies.

  • (audience laughs) Get that.

  • Like what's it next to, Master Baiter, come on, right.

  • But Taiwan is a great place. It's an island full of flora and fauna.

  • We have actually, an endangered species

  • called the rock macaque, yeah I know how it sounds.

  • Yeah, rock macaque, if you rocked it more you wouldn't be endangered right.

  • The point is, we're not allowed to touch these monkeys.

  • So if a monkey comes along, he touches us, that's fine.

  • But if we touch the monkeys, that's bam, $3,000 fine.

  • Yeah, and the biologists all think this is ridiculous.

  • They're like, in what world does this make sense.

  • They can touch you, you can't touch them.

  • I'm like, no that's how I chill with girls too.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I basically get really close and hope, hope,

  • for physical contact.

  • "Please, please, I have a guava, please touch me."

  • (audience laughs)

  • We also have a lot of frogs.

  • So, I recently learned this interesting fact.

  • In most frog species, only the male frogs croak.

  • Did you guys know this?

  • Yeah only the male frogs croak.

  • And I thought this was fascinating.

  • So I asked a biologist, what are they trying to communicate?

  • They must be trying to send across some kind of message.

  • And the biologist was like, well like yeah,

  • so when a male frog croaks,

  • it's tryin' to send two types of different messages.

  • Now the first type is the male frog would approach

  • a female frog, he'd be like, hop, right. And he'd be like,

  • (croaking)

  • And that's frog language for, "I'm a dude."

  • (audience laughs)

  • Subtext: "I wanna hop on your back."

  • And I was like, okay, okay, that's normal procreation,

  • circle of life.

  • So what's the second type of croak?

  • He's like, the second type of croak

  • is when another male frog hops on his back,

  • he's like, "I'm a dude!"

  • (audience laughs)

  • I was like, "Okay so both scare people off,

  • that's great, fantastic."

  • (audience chuckles)

  • I don't know, they probably taught this in school.

  • I wouldn't know.

  • I've never been the ideal student growing up.

  • I got sent to detention when I was in second grade.

  • Like who does that, detention second grade, right.

  • And I'll tell you the reason why.

  • So there's this kid in school called Henry.

  • He kept stealing my Legos, all right.

  • Now, you gotta understand, as a seven-year-old

  • having your Legos stolen, that's a big deal.

  • So I went to the teacher.

  • I tried right.

  • I was like, "Ms Jenai, it's Henry,

  • he's stealing my Lego car.

  • He's breaking and entering my Lego house.

  • He's usurping my entire Lego nation."

  • (audience chuckles)

  • But Ms Jenai, she was Palestinian,

  • so she was like, "Pft,

  • call me when someone steals your whole country."

  • (audience groans)

  • I did not know if Ms Jenai was just messing with me,

  • or if she actually knew I was from Taiwan,

  • 'cause that shit happened 70 years ago, all right.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Take that, Miss Jenai.

  • But anyway, I was still angry right.

  • So I punched Henry and got thrown in detention.

  • Now the worst part about detention is not detention itself.

  • It's having to explain what detention is

  • to your Taiwanese parents.

  • You know that day I got home, my mom was like,

  • "Why are you home so late?

  • What's detention?"

  • And I tried to play it down.

  • I was like, "You know, it's not that big of a deal.

  • All that happens is, after school we have to stay

  • in this big classroom.

  • This really boring-looking teacher in the front forces us

  • to finish our homework.

  • After one or two hours, we're free to go."

  • And at this point, my dad came storming in.

  • He was like, "What happened at school today?

  • What did Brian do again?"

  • (audience laughs)

  • And my mom was like, "Can you believe what your son

  • did at school today?

  • He found a free tuition center!"

  • My dad was like, "But we pay for that shit!"

  • (audience laughs)

  • Yeah, I've done some studying abroad.

  • I finished my Masters in Paris actually.

  • Now Paris is a city that's very, very different

  • from my hometown Taipei, very different.

  • Everything is different, like the way we greet each other is very different.

  • So in Taiwan when we greet each other,

  • we do this really held back, this like, "Hi."

  • (chuckles)

  • I dunno, yeah 'cause like in Taiwan,

  • we avoid physical contact at all costs.

  • Like we don't embrace each other,

  • we don't shake hands, we do this.

  • (audience laughs)

  • But when you're in Paris, and you meet your friend,

  • you're supposed to kiss them?

  • I was not prepared for this.

  • (audience laughs)

  • You know first day of school I get to my classroom,

  • meet my female classmates,

  • we're like, "Salut, salut, mwah, mwah."

  • I came so hard.

  • (audience laughs)

  • You guys gotta understand.

  • Like as an Asian dude, this is as far as I get

  • with European women.

  • This is carpe diem right there.

  • This is like, seize the day.

  • (audience laughs)

  • But like next day, I went to school

  • with this huge backpack.

  • And all my classmates were like, "Wow Brian, you study so hard, you're so diligent."

  • I'm like, "Nah man, this is all underwear, dude."

  • (audience laughs)

  • I gotta keep myself dry throughout the day,

  • all your greetings and shit.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It's very different, it's very different,

  • For example, the metro system.

  • So both Taipei and Paris, we have metro systems.

  • But the things inside are a little bit different.

  • So in Taipei, our metro, we have bathrooms, right, we have toilets.

  • But in Paris, they have walls.

  • (audience laughs)

  • So for those of you who have never been to Paris,

  • you can basically pee wherever you want.

  • (audience chuckles)

  • It's like this giant urinal.

  • Probably why Chinese tourists like going there so often.

  • (audience groans)

  • Yeah, I'm Taiwanese I get to say that.

  • I check my privilege.

  • But anyway, the point is, it's super different.

  • And so another thing, in the metro system,

  • both metro systems have vending machines.

  • But in Paris, their vending machines sell condoms.

  • Yeah l'amour, right.

  • Whereas in Taipei,

  • we sell tissues.

  • (audience chuckles)

  • Yeah, tells you something about our night lives.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It's also the reason why we don't shake hands.

  • "I'm fine, thank you."

  • Thank you guys so much, that's my time.

  • (audience cheers)

- All right Singapore.

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(Eng/Chi Sub) ブライアン・ツェン 曾博恩 On Why Taiwanese Don't Shake Hands - Stand-Up, Asia!シーズン4 FULL SET ((Eng/Chi Sub) Brian Tseng 曾博恩 On Why Taiwanese Don't Shake Hands - Stand-Up, Asia! Season 4 FULL SET)

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    Courtney Shih に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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