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  • Marie:                     Hey it's Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV,

  • the place to be to create a business and life you love, and today, I have got a question

  • for you. Does goal setting burn you out? Do you ever feel like you're on achievement autopilot

  • constantly striving for more and never feeling fulfilled? Even if you love goal setting,

  • you're about to learn a revolutionary new way to set and reach those goals. No stress,

  • striving or affirmations required. My guest is about to show you how.

  • Danielle LaPorte is the creator of The Desire Map, a guide to creating goals with soul;

  • author of the Firestarter Sessions and soon to be publisher of Danielle Magazine launching

  • this spring. An inspirational speaker, former Think Tank exec and business strategist, her

  • site daniellelaporte.com has been deemed the best place online for kickass spirituality

  • and was named one of the top 100 websites for women by Forbes.

  • Danielle! This is your second time on MarieTV, the first time live because we did all kinds

  • of Skype before.

  • Danielle:     I got on a plane just for you.

  • Marie:                     I love you for that. I know you're going to

  • take us through this incredible process and I am so excited about it, and I have to say

  • here right now, we're going to talk a lot about The Desire Map. If you do not have this

  • book, you need to get your hands on it ASAP. We're going to teach you a lot, but it goes

  • so deep. Just trust me on that one. Before we get into the all the nitty-gritty,

  • I want to know from you what made you write The Desire Map? How did it come about? Why

  • is it so important?

  • Danielle:     I wanted to feel good and I wanted to feel better about what I was going

  • after and the way I was going after it. All this started on New Years Eve writing some

  • goals out, watching Ryan Seacrest by the fire. It's like "pay off MasterCard, lose the

  • baby weight, get to Hawaii," all that, and I looked at my goals completely uninspired

  • and I thought how do I really want to feel, and then it was like "sexy, affluence, abundant,

  • earth" all of that, and I could breathe. In that whole process, I looked at how I related

  • to goals.

  • Set a goal, go after the goal fiercely because I'm an ambitious cat and not hit the goal.

  • Not only not hit the goal, totally bomb so I feel like a loser. Set a goal, go after

  • the goal, reach the goal but I'm three months late or six months late or three years late.

  • I got there but I still feel like a loser because I'm late to my goal. Set a goal, go

  • after a goal, something shinier, and something truly better over here, mid course correction,

  • I'm going that way. I still feel like a loser because I changed my mind. Set a goal, go

  • after the goal, not just reach the goal, exceed the goal, out of the park like super success

  • and I think I still feel like a loser because I should've thought bigger because I was

  • thinking so small and I should've asked for more. Contentious relationship around

  • goals and not loving who I was in that striving. That striving for the goal really brought

  • out what I call Connie; she's my alter ego and I like Jersey but she's a Jersey girl

  • and Connie is really fucking pushy.

  • My inner Jersey girl had to talk to a Buddhist about this and I had a conversation with a

  • llama and I said "I'm interested in this tension between just accepting what is and

  • presence, and the striving and attaining and going after stuff. Where is that middle ground?"

  • He said, "You're always going to have desires. There's always going to be a reaching. You

  • just have to ask yourself if you're being pushy about it." I was like pushy and I'm

  • done.

  • Marie:                     You had that idea come into you and it was like

  • "pushing, don't want to do that." Was it immediate link up to this concept of desires

  • and feelings coming first?

  • Danielle:     Light bulb, I want to feel good, I want to feel better than I feel. Light

  • bulb, it's not about the goal. I am wanting to feel a certain way when I get there. It's

  • not about the goal; it's about how you want to feel when you get there. I made a little

  • post-it note, put it in my Day Timer, and this is eight years in the making, and I would

  • ask myself "what am I going to do today to feel this way." Then I started asking

  • myself "what am I going to do this quarter to feel this way," and was like "what

  • do my yearly goals need to look like to feel the way that I want to feel?" It changed

  • what I went after, it changed how I went after it, and I felt more the way I wanted to feel.

  • Marie:                     That's so beautiful and I love one of the things

  • that you share in The Desire Map and all throughout your work. It's like we have goal setting

  • and achievement backwards. We have it inside out because if you break any goal down and

  • you go "why do I want this, what am I really going after," I think it's so genius and

  • so simple and so profound and how you articulated it is beautiful. It really is about the feeling

  • and that desire. And so, you've taken in the personal development world, goal setting

  • has been talked about a zillion times and put it inside out and I mean, people love

  • this stuff. I love it; I just think its genius.

  • The Desire Map and the core concept of this is really, what?

  • Danielle:     It's about what I call your core-desired feelings. I'm going to give

  • you the steps; we're going to do the reveal now. Step one of this is let's concentrate

  • on just three areas. In The Desire Map process, there's about five or six areas to look at

  • in life, but it you're at home doing this and grab a pen, you can write this down, you

  • can do this in meditation or do this on a walk. Go through lifestyle and livelihood,

  • go through body and wellness and go through what I call relationships and society, and

  • do a stream of consciousness about how you want to feel. Just rift and don't hold back.

  • If you want to feel vitality, if you want to feel energized, if you want to feel connected,

  • so many people just want to feel connected, if you want to feel spicy, just write spicy

  • down. Write down "blue," I want it.

  • With that no holding back, then you do need to move into that phase of this second step

  • which is about eliminating what you're not resonating with. It's really about pattern

  • recognition. You go through that mish mash, that outpouring of feelings and then the intention

  • is to get that down to three, four, maybe five and this is an art; this is not a science.

  • If your lucky number is seven and you want have seven core desired feelings, you can

  • have seven core desired feelings. You're going to narrow it down and what I encourage people

  • to do in that honing end phase is to stay away from the big audacious words like confidence

  • and success.

  • Marie:                     How come?

  • Danielle:     Because it's an epidemic that we have bought into other people's

  • version and visions of success, and this is one of the reasons that we are disconnected

  • from our core desired feelings. We are living other people's dreams, we are doing what

  • we think the Jones' are doing, and guess what? They're not even feeling success. It's

  • like the ultimate tragedy for tracing chasing other versions of success and they're not

  • even feeling successful. This goes on lifetimes for people. This is a big, big deal.

  • Success has a feeling underneath. You might say, "Success is about respect." Go deeper;

  • what is respect about? Respect is about confidence. Go underneath that. Look up the definitions

  • of the word; find out the ontology of the word. What's under confidence? Love. One of

  • your core desired feelings is love.

  • And then there's one more refinement I would add to this, which is getting clear on your

  • core desired feelings is not about you setting up the world to help you feel the way that

  • you want to feel.

  • Marie:                     I love this. Keep telling me.

  • Danielle:     This isn't about "I want to feel loved." Of course, you want to feel

  • loved; we all want to feel loved. This is universal. This isn't about "I want to

  • feel honored, I want to feel respected." You may need to live with those core desired

  • feelings for a while and try them on, but this is not about going into the office on

  • Monday morning and thinking "I know my core desired feelings and I want to feel respected

  • from this crew." You are relying on outside forces to inform your reality; this is not

  • good. Knowing your core desired feelings is really about you becoming an intentional creator

  • of your life. You cannot choose what happens to you, but you can choose how you feel about

  • it.

  • Let's say respect is you're playing with this as a core desired feeling. Just let it

  • be respect or respectful, not respected. You can even feel the difference of the energy

  • in those words and you will put respect out into the world, you will put beauty out, you

  • will put energy out.

  • Marie:                     I love that and I feel like it's such an opportunity

  • for all of us to create our own game for ourselves of what has to happen in order for me to experience

  • respect, honoring that it is not about how the outside world treats us, but how am I

  • approaching the outside world. How can I bring respect to the party, so to speak, or love

  • or anything like that. That makes me so excited because one of the things I talked about a

  • lot and people always ask me about passion, how can I find my passion? You've heard

  • me say this a million times because you and I are such good friends, but it's like passion

  • isn't something outside of you; passion is something you bring to the moment. You

  • bring that to the task, you bring that to work and it's this muscle you build it.

  • I love to hear you say this because I can hear those voices going "people aren't

  • respecting me or people aren't loving me." How can you set up the rules for yourself

  • that anytime perhaps I take a moment to pause and really notice the beauty of my life, I

  • get to experience respect from myself and what I create, or anytime I take a moment

  • and really notice my surroundings and really appreciate it, I get to experience love in

  • the world where it's like you setup your own rules.

  • Danielle:     This is where the rubber meets the road. This is about getting up every

  • day and saying, "What am I going to do today to generate these core desired feelings?"

  • It's as simple as "I'm going to make that phone call, I'm going to wear a skirt instead

  • of yoga pants, I'm going to make sure I get to yoga today, I'm going to sign the contract."

  • Sometimes being devoted to being this truly creative force in your life means you're going

  • to make dramatic changes according to your core desired feelings. You are going to sell

  • your house and go to India or you're going to get out of Indiana and move to New York

  • or you're going to dump the chump or you're going to commit. It's micro and it's macro.

  • My version of spirituality has got to be practical. This has got to work in my kitchen, this has

  • got to work in my bedroom and it's got to work in my heart.

  • Marie:                     Amen to that. What's step three?

  • Danielle:     Step three is the declaration of your core-desired feelings. This is it.

  • This is my three to seven core desired feelings and hopefully it feels like a big righteous

  • moment and you can experiment with this. Some people do The Desire Map in a weekend and

  • for some people its months to get clear on their core desired feelings. I worked with

  • my core-desired feelings five years. Five years I had that same little ratty post-it

  • note sitting in my Day Timer.

  • Step four is really where you're going to match your soul with your goals, so you're

  • going to go through those lifestyle areas that we've already listed. Livelihood and

  • lifestyle, and body and wellness, relationships in society, and then ask yourself what do

  • you need to do and have an experience and the stuff you want to get and be in the world

  • to feel your core desired feelings. You should have your core desired feelings right here,

  • you're having your experiences and you go "I need to climb a mountain this year, I

  • need to launch my business, I need to propose," to feel this way, "I need to sign up for

  • belly dancing lessons, I need to read the books I've wanted to read," whatever it

  • is that's pulling at you. Narrow that down to your one, two, maybe three goals of the

  • year and there you have it.

  • There are lots of layers. You're going to go deep into asking yourself what's really

  • going to make the final cut for you, but this is precisely where so many of us go into default

  • and go astray. As soon as we get into that mentality of I'm setting my goals, our psyche

  • immediately heads externally. "I better make my million, I better get that gig, etc."

  • You have to come back to center, how do I want to feel? The goal, the intention is to

  • feel good.

  • Marie:                     So good. It's really good. I think it's revolutionary.

  • I remember when you first shared with me The Desire Map and this whole core concept, I

  • had the feeling inside and I literally got chills and I was like Danielle, this is the

  • core of your work and of your message and I just think it's so beautiful. I know there

  • are tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands Danielle fans out there and for those who

  • don't know, I'm curious what your core desired feelings are.

  • Danielle:     My core desired feelings are joy; it took me a long time to get to

  • that. I used to think being not fully happy was sexier or something and I was like people

  • who are a little bit depressive. It's like happy people are so annoying; now I'm just

  • like joy, true nature joy. Divine femininity, that shakti of just goddess,yes, woman. Creation;

  • for a long time the word was creativity for me, but I want to feel creation and I want

  • to make creation. Abundance. Those are my core desired feelings and they guide the restaurants

  • I eat at and how I parent and how I love and what I say yes to.

  • Marie:                     I just got chills listening and I've seen you

  • evolve and I've seen how you've brought those core-desired feelings to life. One of

  • my jobs, and I think one of my gifts, is I always tend to hear intuitively what other

  • people are saying and tap into that, and I can almost hear people in our audience saying

  • all this is well and good, these feelings are great, but what happens when everything

  • sucks and you don't feel the way that you'd like to feel? You don't feel your core desired

  • feelings and however temporary it may seem, the world is coming in on you and you don't

  • know how to get out. What do you say to that?

  • Danielle:     I say two things. One, that's life. That's how you make progress. I feel

  • the way I want to feel, I go this way and I don't feel the way I want to feel. You

  • learn through contrast. This isn't about "I feel the way I want to feeling all the

  • time"; this is life. This is wholeness. The best thing about being clear about your

  • core desired feelings is when you're in those moments of hell really, like I'm angry, I

  • don't want to be in the agony of anger. You don't want to be in the agony of restriction

  • or insecurity, but when you're in those places, the very simple act of stop, this is not how

  • I want to feel, you've already stopped the monkey mind because what happens when you're

  • in the agonizing feelings is you go "I should be doing this, they should be doing that,

  • this is family of origin stuff, this is my mother issues coming up again, I better get

  • to yoga, I better move my therapy appointment." All those things may be true but they're not

  • actually helping; they're just keeping the monkey mind amped up. "This is not how I

  • want to feel." Stop. What I really want to feel is... and set your core desired feelings.

  • You just interrupted that chatter that brings you south and you have just stepped into possibility

  • thinking. My belief is that when you declare your desires to yourself specifically, your

  • desired feelings, something happens; your brain starting firing in a different way.

  • There's an expansion that happens so you can see different options. Solutions will come

  • to you, "I could apologize, and I could slam the door."

  • Marie:                     If you're feeling angry and one of your core-desired

  • feelings is love, a question you may ask yourself could be "what do I need to do right now

  • to feel love? What can I take control over to actually experience love in this moment?"

  • It's almost like we keep taking the power back for ourselves and stop being such a ping

  • pong ball to the rest of the world.

  • Danielle:     Some of my most important decisions have come from those moments where

  • I go "this is not how I want to feel," and that was really the hinge of my relationship

  • with goal setting. I'm sitting at my computer, it's 12:30 am, I got a cold pot of tea on

  • my desk because I haven't moved my ass in hours and I'm hustling in a way that I don't

  • want to hustle because I said I was going to reach that goal no matter what. "No matter

  • what" is a very dangerous phrase when it comes to your wholeness and I just thought

  • this is not how I want to feel. Et voila, core desired feelings. Mo better.

  • Marie:                     As we wrap up, I would love to hear your take

  • about the power of believing that we deserve what we're going after.

  • Danielle:     Essential, critical; it has to happen. You can have your goals with soul

  • and you put those out to life, to your mastermind group, to whoever's supporting you, and

  • if internally you're thinking "But I'm too small for the bigness of this, what have I

  • don't to earn this, I don't have the cred for this," then you're really sending mixed

  • signals to your mastermind group and the angelic grew and whoever is on your side. You have

  • to really do whatever you need to do. The sacred homework is that opening, that allowing

  • into worthiness and if you can't feel it yourself because we've all been there