CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for playing along.

That's why I moved here. I married a British guy.

SCATTERED CHEERING

That lack of whooping when I say the word "British,"

that is the self-loathing I signed on for.

I love you guys.

I'm never going back!

So, he's British.

I married him for free health care, basically.

I know, right?

Not even a joke. Like, nothing turns an American on -

a decent personality, hot-rod bod -

I don't give a shit, OK?

Nothing is as good as being like,

"I can get all my moles removed for free?!"

Ahhhhh!

So hot, right? OK.

And anyway...

Jokes aside, erm...

It is genuinely this really exciting time

in my relaysh because I'm expecting. That's real.

That's real!

CHEERING

To have an affair. Now...

LAUGHTER

Here's the issue, right?

So, my husband and I, we've been together now for eight years

and this thing has started happening where people...like, people talk

about the seven-year itch. That's what gets the airtime.

And I got that. Didn't scratch it.

Thank you.

Mistake. Thank you!

Because now I have what I've coined the eight-year rash.

It happens about eight years in. Right?

And it's where whatever it is that initially draws you to someone,

eight years later,

that's the same shit that repels you.

See, I meet a guy, right?

In the beginning, fun and games, right?

In the beginning, you're like...

GIGGLES COYLY

You're, erm,

you're a little dirty, but...

GIGGLES

..I like it.

Eight years later.

Wash your balls!

Water and soap, asshole.

Ma'am, you're welcome.