I don't know how I'm going to do this.

Okay?

Hold on.

I wanted to start a Siris on this channel.

That's a little more riel and a little more like, genuinely myself.

And I also wanted to try something that would make me uncomfortable.

So here we are.

I want to connect with people from my past who I haven't seen in a long time for a lot of different reasons.

For example, like some family members I haven't seen in a while or even people from high school that hated me.

And believe me, I kind of just want to, like, meet up with them and talk and see what happens and film it.

Bad idea.

But the person that I wanted to do this with the most, um, is the first person that I ever fell in love with.

And it didn't end well.

And that person is a girl named Claire, even just saying the name makes me want to crash my head into a wall.

Not in a bad way.

Like I don't hate her.

I just I Oh, so deep and dark.

Okay, let me start the beginning.

So there is this girl, a name, Blair Fowler or on YouTube.

She's known as Juicy Star 07 First thing I do is cry my eyes.

I'm back with another call from 21.

Juicy Star was one of the biggest in first makeup gurus on YouTube.

She was doing territorial makeup tutorials, brand deals.

There's this new product out on the line that is called Mike Flynn, and it looks like this.

And I think I found out about the channel because I clicked on one of her videos where she mentioned me.

So first things first.

Yes, I am totally in a Shane Dawson TV T shirt, so I was really excited.

I thought it was really cool and nice and sweet that she did that.

So I think I tweeted her.

I don't really remember.

And then she had talked about me and other videos like interviews and stuff.

Whatever you do worse to enjoy besides me, who comes to your mind, you know, I always see that way.

Started talking on direct messages.

She came out to L.

A.

We met up.

We hung out like once.

It was a lot of fun.

And then she went back to where she came from, which was Tennessee.

And then we just kept coming back and forth.

So she says, Hey, Shane, haven't talked in a while.

Just want to make sure you're still doing great.

Can't wait to come back to l.

A.

I said hi.

How are you doing?

Good law and whatever.

Damn.

She said, don't be a stranger, Winky Face.

I'm just saying.

And then we deemed a lot after that.

Okay?

This is where it starts to get embarrassing.

So then she moved to L.

A.

And I hung out with her, and I thought she was really pretty.

I was kind of obsessed with her.

Well, we have this night.

If you want the full story, read about it in my book.

I wrote a whole chapter on it.

I have no idea if she's read it or not.

I'm gonna have to ask her.

I'm scared.

So basically what happened was we're sitting in her bed and I was helping her with something on the computer.

And then she started, like, making moves on me.

I don't know.

She put her head on my shoulder she likes stroked my arm.

And by the way, this was like a 22 23 year old virgin Shane, who had never been kissed before, had never had a girlfriend, boyfriend?

Nothing.

I used to be £400 so like no girl had ever even looked at me.

And this pretty girl is sitting next to me in her bed like rubbing me so I instantly just like fall in love, like instantly.

So then we start hanging out a lot.

After that, nothing happened.

We didn't kiss, we didn't do anything.

So then that night, I ended up sleeping over like we fell asleep in her bed and I woke up the next morning.

I was just like, Oh my God, I just slept with a girl.

It's so late, But I was really excited.

So then we kept hanging out, and I just kept becoming more and more obsessed with her.

And I loved her a lot.

Now, listen, I know it's on stupid, because clearly we didn't kiss.

We didn't do anything.

So why would I fall in love with her?

But I did.

I like genuinely 18 feels we're talking about now.

I genuinely loved her so much.

I remember Mike picking her up to hang out and just watching her walk out of her door and just like, my heart would start racing.

And I would just be like, Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

There she is.

I love real over.

I love her.

I love her and that you get in the car and I'm really sweating like that's how intense it was.

It was a lot and took me a long time to get over it.

Oh, my God, What am I doing now?

I thought she felt the same way for a few different reasons.

Number one, She was like touchy feely, a lot laying on me, rubbing me that kind of stuff.

But also, she asked me to go to Tennessee with her, where she grew up to meet her family because they wanted to meet me.

So of course I was like, Okay, hopped on a plane and went to Tennessee with her, and she wasn't like the type to want to be in videos and stuff.

But I did love with her once, and I just want you guys to see a second.

The first question is Shane, Who's your favorite?

YouTube?

You know, like don't like.

There's this girl on YouTube Juicy Start.

And she does like his makeup tutorials just like her voice and just the way she is, just everything.

Keep going, Please expand on that.

I know my hair by Just listen.

Now that was the peak of like me being alone with her like that was the peak of it.

And I can't really explain it because it sounds so stupid because we had never kissed or anything.

But just the way she would look at me was like she was in love with me, too.

And I was just, like, convinced.

Just look at that clip again.

And let's just freeze frame it when she looks over and you tell me she doesn't look.

But she's looking at the love of her life just the way she is.

Everything thing.

Yeah, she literally is looking at me like I love you.

Or am I making that up?

I don't know.

In my head, when I see that I still feel something.

I'm like, Oh, she loves him.

So then we have to talk, and I'm like, so you know, What are we doing?

That she's like, what I'm like, What are we?

She's like, rather and sister.

I mean, it was who Just thinking about it right now.

Makes me Well, then, after that happened, I was heartbroken.

I really did think that she felt the same way.

Looking back, it's all stupid.

We didn't kiss, We didn't do any literally.

Nothing happened.

And I was in love with this girl, like, so in love with her that I would literally marry her like that's how intense it waas.

And she was, like, not at all.

Anyways, I was heartbroken.

I kind of like, stop talking to her for a second.

Then she started dating a guy named Sawyer.

And so I am here with my boyfriend today.

So goes and Sawyer.

Then I secretly hated him because he took away the love of my life.

I literally cast him in a video so I could hit him over the head with a chair.

I'm gonna go get a chair.

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, and then I made an entire music video parody about him called douche bag, and I put him in the video and every time I said Douche bag that cut Thio.

Well, then they broke up.

Tonight I'm drawing with a very special guest.

My ex girlfriend.

Hey, guys, it's like Blair Fowler.

And then me and Sawyer actually talked about it, and I apologize for being so petty and like whatever.

And then we became friends and started making videos together, and it was cool.

But I did not talk to Blair really at all after, and it has been years, and I think about her like a lot.

I'm not still in love with her anything.

It's not like that.

It's just like I was so confused and I was so sad and my heart was broken and I was mad at her for a long time.

And now, as I'm almost 30 years old, I look back and go.

She did.

She literally was just how to best friend and probably was like, Oh, my friends in love with me, you know?

I mean, like, it wasn't that big to her, but it was a big deal to me.

I mean, I literally wrote about it.

I got it.

Maybe she didn't feel the same way, but she was scared I don't know.

We haven't talked about it.

Like maybe she felt like something, but she didn't know I was I don't know.

Or maybe she really, genuinely did.

Just think of me as a brother.

I just want to know.

So here we are.

I direct my sister for the first time in years, and I said, Hey, uh, do you wantto reconnect and can I film it?

And she wrote back a very simple like, OK, Weare going to her house.

Oh, I was so scared.

But I want to do this.

I want to talk to her.

I love her.

Oh, no, not like that.

But I genuinely do love like we're best friends.

So it's weird that I haven't seen her in years, and I hope that she doesn't hate me.

And I wonder if she even knows I'm dating a guy.

I know there's a lot that's about that.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

All right, let's see how it goes.

So I just parked outside of Blair's place.

I am, like, actually really, really scared.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I just texted her.

She's coming.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

To see her, I see her walking.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

How are you?