Actually, I originallywantedittobeforyoungerpeoplebecause I feellikehad I haveknownMauraaboutdepressionanxietywhen I wasyounger, maybe I wouldn't haveendeduphaving a mentalbreakdown.
Butthen, astimewenton, I feellikeitisjust a generalthing.
Youknow, adultsandyoungpeoplesufferfromAndi.
I wouldhavehadtohaveleftpartsoutaboutpregnancyorwhateverthatwe'reallpartofmyjourney.
Soitjustkindofmadesensetoit's foranyone, really?
Onhowbig a decisionis, It's justlayitallout.
I mean, youknow, youtake, you'vebeeninrealityTVprogrammesaboutyouknow, s clubintheSaturdayandyourlife.
Butactuallytalkingaboutthisstuffisdifferent.
Yeah, youknowwhat?
I wentintoitreallynaively.
I knewitwas a bigdeal.
I'vebeenaskedtowritebooksbeforeandstuff, and I'veneverreallywantedto, youknow, Butthisone.
Firstofall, I didn't wanttouse a ghostwriterbecauseit's somethingreallypersonalon.
I'veneverwritten a bookbefore, so I wentintothatblindlythinkingthatwouldbeeasybecause, youknow, I lovedwritingstorieswhen I was a teenager, totallynotthesame.
Andalso, I findmymentalhealthreallyeasytotalkabout.
Anditdoesn't affectmementally.
Actually, writingitdowndid I thinkitwas a mixtureofrelivingthosethings, learningnewthingsbecause I wentthroughmydoctor's noteswithmytherapistandpsychiatristonalso, justthepressureof, youknow, producingsomethingthat I toldeditorsandthepublicthat I wasgonnaproduceandithavingtobedecent.
Soyoumeanyou'reonyourSoyou'reon a publiccitytouratthemomentforyouandthatmakesyoureaddressandrethinkandrelivequite a lotofthedifficultthingsthatitdoeshere.
And I thinkitalsomakespeoplefeelcomfortabletocomeandspeaktomeabouttheirissues, whichislovely, andit's kindofthewholepointofthebook, butitalsoitmakesmehappythatpeoplefeelthattheyhadn't talkedtoMay.
Well, I won't aboutbecause I meanwhatOneofthereasons I saidyestoitisbecause, youknow, wehave a lotofconversationsaboutmentalhealthofthemomentandlotsofpeopledoinginterviewslikeyouareabouttheirownlives.
Sometimes I thinkmaybeit's partlytodowithbeingonstageandbeingoutthekindof b of a versionofyourselfyouknow, pretendingtokindofbeconfident.
UmAndthenalso, I think a lotofitcomeswiththatthatpraiseandneedtobelikedalmost, youknow, andthere's nothing.
There's nobiggerwaytogetthatinthestandingon a stageandpeopleclappingandcheering.
I thinkthat's notwhy I gotintoit.
So I wassoyoung.
I don't think I thoughtaboutitthatmuch, but I justenjoyedit, andthen I'vejustkindoffellintoitfromthey'reonbecause I dothink a lotofpeopleinourindustryorquietlikethat.
Normallythey'requiteshywhenyoumeetthemoutsideof a worksituation.
And, youknow, I don't know.
Youwereveryyoungwhenyoustarteddoingprofessional.
12.
Yeah.
Howdidthathappen?
I'm well, I usedtogotojust a localdanceschool.
Andthenthere's theteacherthere, pulledmyparentsinonedayandsaid, Wethinkyoushouldsendherto a stageschool.
Andsomyparents, theywere a bitshocked, askedmeif I wouldliketogoand I wasup.
And I said, Whenyou'rethatyoung, youjustthat I hadnoideahowsuccessfulwewereuntilafterwards, and I thinkthat's quitenice, because s clubjuniorsbecame s Club H.
Yeah, Um, andsoyou'reperformingallthetime?
Yeah.
Havestadiumsandarenas.
Yeah, wedidarenatours.
Thatwasthat.
Oneofthefirstthingswedid.
Sowhat I meanis, youknow, doyouthinkthepressureofallofthathadanythingtodowithyourmentalhealth?
Now, whichiswhich?
Mm.
I don't know.
Whoknows?
I thinkbecause I wasalreadythatwayinclined, I thinkeitherway, whatevercareer I endedupinorwhateverrelationship I endedupin, maybe I wouldhaveendeduphaving a breakdownordevelopingdepressionfurtherdowntheline, justfordifferentreasons.
But I dothinkobviouslybeinginthepubliceyebeingwrittenaboutspokenaboutpeople's opinionsbeingthrownatyouallthetime.
Itobviouslyifyou're a personthatalreadyover, thinkswhatpeoplethinkofyou, it's gonnamakethatworse.
Quiteearlyon I HowoldwereyouwhenyoujoinedtheSaturdays?
Think I was 17?
I getre.
I'm sorubbishwithtimelines.
I thinkit's about 17 or 18 becauseweweretogetherforabout a yearbeforeanyoneevenknewaboutus.
Umah, ndeWewishwewerereallyexhaustedafterdoing.
Youknow, youdowellthattheclubsandtheYounisandwhatever, anditwasquite a bigshotcausein s clubjuniors, you'reonlyallowedtoworkfivedays a week, certainamountofhours a day.
You'reonlyallowedtobeoncamerafor a certainamountofhours, andyouhavechaperonesthatstayontopofallofthatandobviouslybeing a child.
I couldn't waittogrowup.
And I hatedhaving a chaperonethereandthenintheSaturdaySo I waslike, Giveme a chefaround.
Youknow, I wanttobeon 20 workerssentabout a timesand, umyes.
Sothatwas a bigshock, I think.
Goingfromthatchangeoverondhe, I wenttothedoctor's justincanals, exhausted, andhesuggested I goandsee a therapist.
I justthought, Whatishetalkingabout?
Forme, a therapistwasfor, like, crazypeoplewhen I wasn't crazy, and I wasn't I wasfine.
Butthen I thinkforabout a yearafterthat I startednoticingthat I wasabletofunctionatwork.
Buttheminute I gothome, I wasjust a cryingmessbecausewiththeSaturdaysalsocameoutofhood, I'm beingabletolivehardpartyhard.
Yeah, relationships, allofthat.
Yeah, and I thinkthatwas a bigpartofitisWell, youknow, you'reworkingreallyhard.
Youaregoingoutafterworkandstayinguplate.
You'retryingtonavigaterelationshipsinthepublichighas a teenagertaketheirheartanyway.
Andthenwitheveryonetalkingaboutyouatthesametime.
See, itwas a weirdpartoflife, butittookme a longtimetorealizewhatwasgoingonwithmementally.
Whatpointyoustarttorealizeforyouneedmorehelp.
I think, Um, meandmyboyfriendatthetimejustkindofrealizedthat I wasjustactuallycominghomeandwasunable.
Thiohaveconversation.
I wasn't hungry.
I didn't wanttoeat.
I justwantedtogetinbedandcrymyselftosleep.
After a while.
Wewerelike, That's notnormal, obviously.
Um, butyoujustputitdown.
Youjustmakeexcusesforit.
So a lot.
I mean, whenyousayChrist, obviouslyitwouldthathappenfromtimetotime.
Yeah, yeah, I hatedthatbecause I justembarrassing.
I justfeltlikepeoplewerejustgonnabe I'm going.
There's anotherone.
Youknow, poorlittlerichgirlorwhatever.
Um, therewasn't anyway.
But I justfeltlike I waswalkingintogivingpeopleanexcusetoeputmedownandjudge, May I suppose.
Didyoudidyoufeelthatwayaboutyourself?
Yeah.
Wasthatweek.
Yes.
Well, I wasjustdisappointedinmyselfbecause I hadwhat I'd alwayswanted.
Youknow, I lovedsinging, and I lovetodance.
I lovedperforming.
I lovedmyjob.
SoyouhavingreallyWell, I mean, you'regettingtop 10 hits.
Yeah, albums.
Andthiswasmysecondroundofitaswell.
I waslike, Whogetsthatopportunitytodoittwiceanddon't getmewrong.
I workedhard, but I wasveryluckyon I knewthat.
So, youknow, a lotofwithdepression.
Anxietyisthatfeelingofguiltoversomanythings.
And I feltondhestilldosometimessomuchguiltaboutthefactthat I wasdoingwhatsomanypeoplewouldlovetodoandwhat I hadalwayswantedtodo.
But I wasstillfundamentallyunhappy.
I mean, thatthat's oftenthewaythatwasn't it.
I mean, youknow, youseesomanypeoplewhoaresuccessful, attractive, whateveritmightbe, youknow, andyousayButyougotsomanyreasonstofeelamazing.
Yeah.
Soatwhatpointwereyouabletosortofsay, it's o It's okayformetofeellikethat?
Itwasn't untilafter I'd beeninto a hospital, tobehonest.
Soittookmehaving a Filanmentalbreakdownbeinghospitalizedfor a monthandthenprobablystillnotuntil a goodfewyearsafterthat, because I wasn't fixedtheminute I cameout, I'm Andit's onlyreallynow I thinkthat I'm gettingolderand, um, youknow, a lotmoreyearsdownthelinefromthatstageofmylifethat I cansay, Well, it's anillness, youknow, Itiswhatitis.
And I'vestillmanagedalltheseamazingthingswhilstgoingthroughthatand a lotofthetimewith, um, anxietyanddepression, youfeelthatyou'reweak, butongooddaysliketoday, I cansay, actuallymustbeprettybloomingstrongbecause I managedtoforgetoputcareers, have a husbandandtwokidswhilstgoingthroughallofthat.
I mean, yousayittook a break.
Nowyouhadyourbreakdown.
Whatwasthebreakdown?
Whatis a breakdown?
I don't knowwhatitisforotherpeople, but I thinkit's normallywhenyouyouphysically, immenselycan't copewithlifeanymorewithdaytodaylife.
And I gottothepointwhere I justcouldn't letthecryandstartedagainallthetime.
And I just I justwassolost.
I didn't knowwho I waasWhatwhat I wanted, Really?
I couldn't makeanydecisions.
I justcouldn't cope.
Really.
Anditwasgettingtothepointwhereatwork, I wasalmosthavingtoswitchonFrankiefromtheSaturdaystobecomethispersonthatpeoplewerewereexpecting.
Andthen I'd likeswitchoffonce I gothome.
And I don't knowhow I managedtokeepitupatwork.
It's weird, butsowasthere a pointatwhichyoucouldn't switchitonanymore?
Yeah, I'm Wehaditwasstillmanagingtowork, butathome, Wayneandthatmyhusbandand I wouldhavelikedthisrowbecause I wascryingontogotto a point.
Then I wassayingthingsthat I don't wannabehereanymore.
Shecameoverthenextday, anditwasjustbefore I wassupposedtobegoingawaytorecord a musicvideofortwodaysandsherangmypsychiatristandhewasactuallyusedtogointohospitalonDhe.
I think, um, mypsychiatristisawaysaidtomeHecan't dealwithmydepressionoranxietyuntil I'm untilhesortsoutmytirednessbecausewhenyou'retired, youknowwecan't sortanythingout.
Soforme, untilthatpoint, I hadn't beensleepingatall, Really.
Ittookmesolongtofallasleepbecausemymindwasalwaysracing, andthenonce I wasasleep, I wouldn't stayasleepforverylong, so I think a lotofthatwassleepingtabletstogetmetoesleepon.
I didn't have a goodyearOrwouldyousay, Don't youhave a normalchildhood?
I'm alwayssosplitbecauseobviously I'vegottwokidsandpeoplealwayssaytome, Whatwouldyousayiftheysaidtheywantedtodothesamethingand I don't knowbecausemyparentswereinthatorcouldpositionwhen I gotinto a scrapjunior's.
Obviouslyitwasdowntothemwhether I diditornot, andtheybasicallyhadtohandmeovertoSimonFullerandtrustthemtolookafterMay, andthatwas a bigthingforthembecausetheyhadtohandoverthechildattheageof 12.
We'reveryclearthatyouwantedtogetmarriedandbe a youngbump.
Yeah.
What?
I mean, whyisthatgivenyouwerehavingsuchanextraordinarylife.
I think I'm Orisitbecauseofthat?
Whatyouwant?
Yeah, I thinkitwas.
I thinktherewas a partofMaythat I'vealwayswantedtobe a youngmombecauseoneofmybestfriends, hismomwasreallyyoungwhenshehadthem, andWeusedtospend a lotoftimearoundtheirhandsandtheirrelationship, andourrelationshipwithherwasjustgreatandparentsmorefun.
I shejustseemedmoreonourlevel, and I and I was I all I reallywantedthatwaslike a young, youknow, takeonitlike I wouldreallylikeThiocompletelyforgettingalltheheartstuffthatshe'd doneforthat.
Um, so I'vehadthatinmyheadanyway.
Andthen I think I alwayshadthisthingof I wanttobesuccessful, but I don't wanttogetto a timeinmylifewhere I wouldpossibly I mean, I'm not, butpossiblyreallyrichandsittinginthisbighouse, butlonelyonguyneverwantedthat.
Notthat I wouldhaverushedif I youknow, I hadn't metsomeone, but I I wasawarethatyeah, I wantedtobe a youngandallmyfamilyknewitaswell.
Youknow, I'vegotanoldersister.
I'vegotfamilyfriendsthatareallolderthanmethat I grewupwiththatwe'rereallycloseto.
I'm Butnow I'm kindoflike, Well, ninetimesoutof 10 I'm fineand I havegiventothefeelingsmoresofromhaving a badday.
I letmyselfhave a badday, andthen I find I getoutofitquickerandmoveonquicker.
Butisthere a Isthere a differentwayofthinkingaboutyourdepressionoranxietythatyouhavenow, havingspenttimeonthisinhospitalin a littlerestfitthatenablesyoutocopebetter, youknow, isthatIsthere a simpletip?
I wishtherewaas.
I'm notreally.
I thinkthemainthingsthat I saytopeopleistheobviousonesoftalktosomeone, Whetherit's justoneperson, itdoesn't havetopay a professional, evenifyouhave a friendthat's awareofhowyoufeel.
Um, and I findthatnowif I'm feelingrubbish.
Ifunlessif I don't tellmyhusband, I'lltextoneofmymatesanditjustmakesyoufeelbetter.
Sometimesonesidewillwin, andsometimes, yeah, and I thinkthatis a lotoff.
Itisacceptance.
And I justhadno, justthatacceptanceof, like, youknow, I'm nonotlookingaslookingatitassomethingthatneedstobefixed.
Morelike I justsomethingtobemanagedon.
That's why I kindofdoon a dailybasisismanageitratherthanthinking, rightneedstogoawayandthenyoufeelrubbishbecauseitdoesn't.
I mean, that's a verymaleresponsetothesesorts.
Thingsisn't.
Menusuallykindofwanttofixit.
Yeah, onWayne's verygoodatnotdoingthat, youknow, hejustwillgiveme a hardgoal.
Likethedaythat I spentinbed.
I wasabletodothatbecausehetookthekidsouttotheparkandthentookthemforlunchwhereverandthentooktheminthegardenwhentheygothome.
AndtheywerehappyasLarry.
Theydidn't carewhere I wasyouknowtheywerehaving a greattime.
Andthenthatmeantthat I hadthetimethat I neededthiokindofwhile I wearmysadnessfor a fewhoursandthenby, like, five o'clock I wasupdownstairs, joininginwiththeboysoutsideandstilldidn't feel 100%.
Likehedidtextmeandsay, Maybeyoushouldgooutfor a walkslashrun.
Butthat's nohymnbeingpushyorwhatever.
AndIantosaid, Yeah, I'lltryandhetakes a bitlater.
Didyoumanageitnowanditwasnotokay.
We'llbehomesoon.
Youknow, it's not.
Whydidn't youdothat?
Thatwillmakeyoufeelbetter.
Youknow, youalso.
I mean, youalsoswiminthosemurkywatersofsocialmediathatareterriblecareformentalhealth.
Youareregardedasaninfluence.
Youknow, you'vegot a 1,000,000 followersormoreonInstagramandTwitterandallofthesethings I mean, isthatjustthenecessitiesthatisthatpartofthejobandwhoyouareOristhatsomethingyouactuallyenjoy?
Ittookme a longtimetoacceptInstagram.
I wasalreadyonTwitteronInstagramformeatthebeginningwasjustanannoyancebecause I wasatwar.
I alreadygive a lotoffmyselfoverininterviewsandworkwhateverandonTwittertime.
And I was I wasjustanotherthingthat I'vegottathinkaboutOndaAtthetime I waslike, Selfiesaresoselfindulgentaside, older.
I lookgoodtoday, so I'm gonnapostthispictureand I justcouldn't getmyheadaroundthatatthetime.
Andthen, youknow, lifehappens.
Itbecame a morenormalthing.
I becameselfemployedanditbecameveryapparentthat a lotofjobswerebasedonatthetime.
Howmanyfollowersyouhad.
Whatkindofstuffyouputhappenedallthatjazz.
Andso I hadtoegetonboard.
I didn't reallyhave a choice, and I fallinandoutoflovewithit, youknow, like I doiskindofpartofthereasonwhythebookcamearoundbecause I chosetobe a bitmoreopenandhonestabouthow I wasfeelingsometimesandtheresponse I gotmadeupof.
Peoplefeelbetter.
Butitwassomademefeelbetter, eh?
Sothatsideofitisniceandobviously I canearnmoneyoutofit, andthat's great.
ButthenthereareSometimes I feellike a bitofhypocritebecause I wantpeopletofeelgoodabouttheircells.
Andthen I'm hostingstuffabouthaving a greatdayorwhatever.
But I'vekindoftalkedmyselfthat, youknow, ifthatgirlthat I'm followingthatlooksamazinginthatbikiniorwherever.
Howshemakesmefeelaboutmyselfismoreaboutmethanher.
And I think a lotofpeopleneedtokindoflearnedthatsomewheredownthelineisthatjustbecausesomeoneelsehaving a greatdayandthey'repostingit, that's not a directstabat.
You'd sail, you'reworthlessandyou'rehaving a rubbishdayandlookhowgreatmylifeis.
Whycan't yousayshe's having a greatday?
She's having a greatday.
Butmythingis, ifyou.
Wehavetohavelightandshade.
Andthat's what I try.
Toeportrayonmine.
Try a delicate.
It's a delicaterelationship.
Yeah, and I'm sopleased I didn't havethatinescapejuniors.
And I didn't haveitinthebeginningofSaturday's I didn't have a school.
ThatThat's nice.
Um, well, I meanthat I thinkyouknow, peoplewhoreadthatbook.
You'regonna I finditveryhelpfulwhethertheyaresuffersthemselvesorno, somebodywho's goingthrough a toughtime.