I'm Trevor Noah.

Before we begin, some news coming out of Mexico.

The Mexican president is raffling off

the presidential jet to the people of Mexico, yeah.

He says he doesn't need a jet, so he's gonna raffle off.

So, for $25, for a $25 ticket,

you could win a presidential jet.

So, if any Mexican out there was worried about the wall,

I think I've got a solution.

Here are this week's headlines.

Let's kick it off with the Super Bowl.

Yesterday's big game was very exciting.

Like, I don't know why they don't just make

every football game the Super Bowl, you know?

That way, you get more people watching.

And the best thing about it is,

even if you don't like the sport,

you're bound to find something else exciting.

- And they have done it!

Chiefs are Super Bowl champions here in Miami...

- Superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes

leading the charge in a thrilling comeback,

defeating the San Francisco 49ers.

Mahomes making history at just 24 years old,

becoming the youngest quarterback

to be named Super Bowl MVP.

- I'm going to Disney World.

- Shakira and Jennifer Lopez wowed the crowd,

singing and dancing up a storm.

- There's one person, though, at the Super Bowl

who wasn't that impressed. - I saw this guy.

- Check out this one fan in the stands.

We got a picture of this. This guy is out cold.

A sports reporter caught him

catching some Z's during the game.

He most likely, of course, paid

a lot of money to score a seat.

The average price for a Super Bowl ticket

is close to seven grand.

- Okay, okay, okay. There are two ways to see this.

Either you can be mad because this guy wasted a lot of money

just to miss an incredible experience,

or you can see it as this dude balling out so hard,

he spent $7,000 just to take a nap.

(laughter) That's a serve.

But seriously, how-- how chaotic is this guy's life

that he's like, "I need to go to the Super Bowl

just so I can have a quiet place to sleep"?

Like, how noisy is his home?

He must have, like, 13 kids,

and every one of them is Bernie Sanders.

"Dad, Dad, Dad, I can't find my toys!

"The DNC stole them from me! Dad! Dad!"

But we're-- we're just kidding around.

This guy is clearly dead. Now, um...

The big moment from last night that everyone was talking about,

or raving about, rather, was J.Lo and Shakira.

They killed it. They really killed it.

(cheering and applause) Yeah.

But... but some people were really pissed

that J.Lo pulled out a stripper pole to do some moves.

Now look, I understand some parents might be angry

because there are kids who watch the game,

so, for all those parents, just tell your kid

J.Lo's a fireman, all right? Problem solved.

Right. And here's another thing.

J.Lo spent months learning how to be

a professional pole dancer for her movie "Hustlers."

Let me tell you something. If I spent that much time

learning how to pole dance,

I would be pole dancing every chance I get.

I don't care where I am, I would be doing it.

I'd be in the subway like... ♪ Jump on it, let's do it ♪

(cheering and applause) ♪ Riding my pony ♪

And finally, yesterday was Groundhog Day,

which leads me to ask,

what the hell is Groundhog Day?

People pull a rodent out of the ground,

and then ask the animal to predict the weather?

I'm sorry. This is so unfair,

because if Africans were doing shit like this,

and you heard that we pulled animals out of the ground--

Like, there are villages in Africa

where people wear animal skin,

and if I tried to explain to them

that Americans use groundhogs to predict the weather,

they'd be like, "Ah, but why not use

the satellite data, huh?"

All right, that's it for the headlines.

Let's move on to our top story.

(cheering and applause)

Impeachment.

It's democracy's version of sending back a meal.

And, today, we reached the series finale

of this president's first impeachment.

So, let's check in on the latest developments

in another installment of

"The Magical, Wonderful Road to Impeachment."

- ♪ The Magical, Wonderful Road to Impeachment ♪

♪ Who knows where it'll go? ♪

- It's probably presidential harassment.

(cheering and applause)

Today was the final day in the impeachment trial

of Donald Jambalaya Trump.

And no big surprise-- he was acquitted

by the Republican-run Senate,

which was never in doubt. (audience booing)

Yeah, yeah. Don't boo. Vote.

(scattered cheering) See, impeachment...

(cheering and applause)

...was... was-- no.

Like, everyone knew where this was going.

This was like a movie where you can guess

what was gonna happen without even watching it, you know?

Like "Titanic."

Okay, it's a ship that's gonna sink.

Or "Sophie's Choice."

Some lady has to decide which dude she's gonna bone.

I get it. I get it.

So, with the outcome never in doubt,

the only really drama today was whether any Republicans

would dare vote against Donald Trump.

And it turns out there was one man

with binders full of courage.

- Republican Senator Mitt Romney emotionally announced

on the Senate floor that he will break ranks

and vote to convict and remove President Trump.

- The president asked a foreign government

to investigate his political rival.

The president's purpose was personal and political.

Accordingly, the president is guilty

of an appalling abuse of public trust.

With my vote, I will tell my children and their children

that I did my duty to the best of my ability,

believing that my country expected it of me.

That is shocking. (applause)

That... is...

shocking.

Who would have thought

that the most badass Republican in the Senate

would end up being a Mormon dude named Mitt?

And I got to say, Mitt,

you proved everyone wrong.

The haters said you were as radical as a glass of skim milk,

but they were wrong, Mitt.

You're whole milk, my man.

That's right. Whole milk, fam.

(cheering and applause)

And, by the way, I like how Mitt said

that he voted this way so that he could tell his children

he did the right thing.

'Cause that's such a white people thing to say, right?

No, white people love explaining themselves to their children.

"I couldn't look my son in the eye

if I didn't do the right thing."

Black parents don't give a shit.

Like, black parents are just like,

"Boy, you better not look me in the eye.

I made you. I'ma do whatever I'ma do."

Now, other than Romney, another Republican senator

who was considered on the fence was also--

uh, about Trump was Susan Collins of Maine.

All right? But she decided

that we don't need to throw Trump out

because she thinks he's already been scared straight.

- There are some senators

who could have crossed party lines.

Senator Susan Collins will not be one of them.

- I'm voting to acquit.

I believe that the president

has learned from this case.

- What do you believe the president has learned?

- The president has been impeached.

That's a pretty big lesson.

- However, during a TV anchors lunch

at the White House yesterday, Trump responded

to questions about Collins' comments,

saying he had done nothing wrong,

and that his conversation with Ukraine's president,

quote, "was a perfect call."

- Man, Donald Trump would be the hardest person

to defend in court.

He'd be like, "Your Honor,

my client has learned his lesson."

(imitating Trump) "No, I haven't!"

"His days of selling drugs are over."

"Who wants cocaine?!"

Because clearly, Trump hasn't learned a lesson.

If anything, he's learned that he can do whatever he wants,

and Republicans will let him get away with it.

But first, they're gonna shake their heads. "Mnnn!"

So basically, thanks to Senate Republicans, Trump is now free.

He can just run through laws

like he's got that Super Mario invisibility star.

That's what he can do. Yeah, he's invincible.

Except Trump is more powerful than Mario,

'cause in this case, the turtles are on his side.

(laughter) Basically...

basically, President Trump... (cheering and applause)

...is off the hook.

He's completely off the hook, and you know what that means.

He's gonna let loose tonight, man.

He's gonna eat 50 burgers, bang a porn star,

and then he's gonna do something crazy.

And while Trump-- and while Trump is doing

that Joker dance down the courthouse steps,

the rest of the country is still focused on the fallout

from Trump's State of the Union speech last night.

And-- and-- and it's not so much what was in his speech,

but the fallout has been

about what speaker Nancy Pelosi did to the speech,

and Republicans aren't happy.

- A bitter, bitter Nancy Pelosi

ripping up the president's State of the Union speech.

- One of the most classless things ever done

in the history of the State of the Union.

- I have never seen anybody act so childish in my life.

- A spoiled, petulant child

essentially picking her nose

in front of the American people.

- It's not just the numbers you're ripping up.

Those are people.

- Nancy Pelosi shredding the memory of Kayla Mueller,

shredding Tuske... 100-year-old Tuskegee Airman,

shredding a little two-year-old.

- That's Pelosi ripping up the stories of these Americans.

- Yeah.

That is so true, my friends.

When Nancy Pelosi tore up a copy of Trump's speech,

she wasn't just ripping up a speech.

She was ripping up the memory of the people in that speech.

Those people are gone now.

That's how paper works.

(laughter)

Like, one time at dinner, the waiter ripped up my receipt,

and then I was hungry again.

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

Now, look, man, you can argue

that Nancy was right or wrong to tear up Trump's speech,

but... but I'm sorry, guys.

These people, these people, the people that support Trump

have no business complaining

about breaches of decorum, all right?

Their dude is literally the king of that shit.

He puts the "dick" in decorum.

Don't come in acting like you're all,

"I can't believe he did this."

'Cause it's kind of funny, it's kind of funny, though,

that Republicans were so upset with Nancy's lack of decorum,

especially because Trump used the very same speech

to bestow America's highest civilian honor,

the Presidential Medal of Freedom,