the night where famous people fight

over tiny gold men with no genitalia.

Last night's ceremony was amazing,

but it was hard not to notice that the nominees were

about as diverse as a Mike Pence family reunion.

The 92nd Academy Awards were all about historic moments

and tackling the controversy.

MAN: The Academy Awards began

with a call for diversity from singer Janelle Monáe...

♪ 'Cause the Oscars is so white... ♪

MAN: It's an issue highlighted

by Steve Martin and Chris Rock, as well.

Back in 1929, there were no black acting nominees.

-No. And now, in 2020, we got one. -Yeah. -(laughter)

I don't know, Chris. I-I thought

there was something missing, uh, from the list this year.

-Vaginas? Yeah. -Yeah, you got it. -(laughter, applause)

MAN: But history is likely to remember last night's Oscar's

as the first time a non-English language film

took the top honors. Parasite won four awards,

including best picture and best director for Bong Joon Ho.

Yes, congratulations to Parasite

for becoming the first foreign language film

to win Best Picture at the Oscars.

Although, honestly, I was a little confused

because I thought the first foreign language film

to win was Rocky.

(imitates Stallone): Yo, Adrian!

I got to fight..." (indistinct gibberish)

You telling me you didn't need subtitles?

You know what I did think was funny about the night was

how many times someone would get on stage,

give a speech about Hollywood needs diversity,

and then, everyone in the audience would clap like,

"Yay! Yay!" It's all white people. And you're like,

"But who do you think that person is talking to?"

Everyone in the audience is in Hollywood.

But it's almost like they're clapping like,

"Yeah, the rest of these people! Yeah. Not me, not me."

I have noticed a pattern, though.

There's definitely a pendulum

that swings back and forth for Best Picture.

Yeah, because, last year, Green Book won.

And everyone was like, "Ah, that's kind of unwoke."

So then, this year, they said,

"Okay, we're gonna give it to a Korean movie

about class warfare!"

Now the pendulum's gonna swing back hard the other way,

which is why I'm gonna be releasing my new film this fall.

It's an all-male reboot of Little Women.

(laughter)

It's gonna crush.

Moving on to health news.

We're now into the third month of the coronavirus outbreak,

and it looks like it's not going away any time soon.

This morning, the coronavirus hitting a grim, new milestone.

908 people have been killed by the virus in mainland China.

That's now more people than were killed

in the deadly SARS outbreak back in 2003.

The number of confirmed cases

hitting more than 40,000 overnight.

And then there's that Diamond Princess cruise ship

docked off Japan.

The number of positive coronavirus cases

doubling to 135.

That includes at least 24 Americans.

WOMAN 2: That cruise ship off the coast of Tokyo

has more coronavirus cases

than any single country outside of China.

WOMAN 3: 75-year-old Gay Cordert says

the quarantine on board the Diamond Princess isn't working.

We are definitely not safe on this ship,

and we need to be evacuated

while some of us are still healthy.

We all need to be tested. At least do the Americans on board.

(laughter, groaning)

Oh, wow.

At least do the Americans on board?

That is cold.

Although to be fair, when shit goes down on a boat,

political correctness always goes out of the window, right?

It's been that way for ages.

Like, when they were boarding the Titanic, people were like,

"Women and children first, of course, of course."

But then the iceberg hit, and all of a sudden,

people were like, "You bitches can drown!

I'm using your kid as a raft! Aah!"

But I do feel bad for people stuck on that boat,

'cause it must be hard

to diagnose coronavirus on a cruise ship.

Because what are the symptoms, huh?

You're dizzy, you're nauseous,

you feel like you got food poisoning.

Those are all the symptoms of just being on a cruise ship.

Yeah, this is probably one of the biggest reasons

I will never go on a cruise. 'Cause have you noticed,

whatever bad happens on a cruise,

it happens for a really long time?

Every other mode of transport, it happens, and then it's done.

You're in a car crash. It's over.

If you're on a cruise, it crashes, it sinks for a week.

If there's a virus, you're stuck there for a week.

If there's hijackers, you're stuck there for a week.

Yeah, if you join a thrupple at the beginning of the trip,

you're stuck in it for a week.

"Stop texting me, Helen and Howard!

It's over now!"

You know who I feel bad for, though?

The poor Somali pirate who's now stuck on board for a week.

Yeah. He's just like, "Look at me. I am infected now!"

(laughter)

All right, but let's move on from the coronavirus

to a different pandemic that has been infecting the skies.

And I'm talking about porn on planes.

A crackdown on X-rated movies up in the sky.

United Airlines pledging stepping up its efforts

to keep pornography out of airplane cabins.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation says

it has seen a rise in passengers viewing porn

on their personal devices when flying.

In a statement, United says,

inappropriate behavior, including adult movies,

have no place on its aircraft.

The company says it would enhance the training

of its flight attendants

to keep porn away from passengers on flights.

All right, all right. Come on, people.

You can't watch porn on a plane like a pervert.

You watch it on the subway like a normal person.

(laughter)

And look, I get it, though.

Some flights are long, you know.

You got to find a way to kill two and a half minutes.

-I understand. -(laughter)

But, also, like, if this really bothers the other passengers,

they should just give everyone

who wants to watch porn their own row.

Yeah? Yeah, you can just, like, book the porn row.

They just put everyone...

In fact, just put all the annoying people

in their own section.

There's, like, one row for the porn people.

And then, behind them, one row for the babies.

They all make the same sound anyway.

Yeah, it's just like, "Yaah! Yaah! Yaah!"

Just-just don't make the porn row the safety...

the emergency exit row-- that's not safe at all. Yeah.

'Cause then if the plane crashes, other passengers

will be like, "We got to get out! We got...

"Oh...

"I'm just gonna stay. It's fine.

I'm not... I'm not crossing that."

So, United Airlines, I get it, they need a new rule.

I don't think you need to make up a new rule for this.

Honestly, the easiest way to get people to stop watching porn

on a plane is not to ban it.

No, you just have a guy walk up behind those passengers

-and just be like, "Oh, yeah. -(laughter)

Yeah. Yeah, keep going. Keep..."

You'll be like, "Yeah, no, I'm done."