in order to do so. From the depths of the Sea of Pokemon Spin-off Titles comes one of

exactly two games to utilize THIS device, a microphone adapter for the N64 that plugs

into the 4th-player slot. Unfortunately, it’s also supposed to come with a mounting bracket

to connect it to your controller, as well as a yellow windscreen on the end. Having

neither, I’ve adapted the device into a lavalier mike by affixing it to my shirt.

I spare no expense. Thus, I began my journey, not to become the very best like no one ever

was, but to get this Pikachu to bring me some bacon. ‘Cuz if he can’t do that, what

good is he? Honestly.

Awright, maybe I’m being too harsh on him. After all, he’s a Pikachu, and thus doesn’t

really grasp the intricacies of the English language. He can only understand a few phrases,

which are highlighted in red wherever they’re mentioned, and can be a bit dense sometimes.

You’ll often find yourself frustrated by his blazing idiocy, especially when he tries

to eat charcoal or can’t find a freakin’ carrot. That’s right, Bulbasaur’s picnic

was ruined, because you wouldn’t leave the damn cabbage alone! We’re not having sauerkraut!

And I thought I told you to go mug a Farfetch’d for the onion you needed, because that would

be funnier. Anyway. You get to interact - in a manner of speaking - with Pikachu in various

locales near Viridian Forest, but which includes weird places like Ochre Forest and the Cobalt

Coast, which only exist in this sub-reality (and its spiritual sequel, Pokemon Channel

for the GameCube). Who knows. All these flavors of Pokemon have opened enough pocket dimensions

as to make any cartographer try to drown himself. In a sea full of three-inch-high Horsea.

Awright. So it might not have set the world on fire back in its time. But... playing it

13 years after its release (or, in Pokemon terms, a Target Demographic’s lifetime),

it somehow manages to be quaint AND adorable, even if you’re being all postmodern and

trying to ask Pikachu if he’s just not a morning person, or if he wants a coffee, or

if he’s seen any good films lately. You can only try to be not-a-kid so long when

presented with this game. And then you slowly buy into it, as making that stew becomes really

important to you, and you need to direct Pikachu through this field full of irrelevant cabbages

and sweet potatoes and whatnot. And you may get frustrated, but then that’s washed away

by the thrill of success. You might as well just give in, because though the premise may

be fairly simple and the size of the world rather limited, there are enough items to

collect and tricks to teach that you’ll be entranced for a while... until you get

just fed up with the inaccuracies in the phoneme recognition and can’t take it anymore. I

SAID MAGNETON. YOU ARE DENSE AS A LOAF OF TURKEY ROLL.