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  • -Now I thought I'd share some of my favorite kid quotes

  • from you guys.

  • This first one is from @vacaywithbrooke.

  • She says, "My 4-year-old said, 'Daddy doesn't have to wear

  • a seat belt because his big belly will protect him.'"

  • -Oh.

  • -Daddy has a five-star rating. This one's from @Keithbristol.

  • [ British accent ] Was it Keith Bristol?

  • -[ British accent ] Keith. -Keith Bristol.

  • -He's from Bristol. -Briftol.

  • [ Normal voice ] He says, "My wife and I asked

  • our third-grade daughter what she learned in health class.

  • She said, 'I learned that boys have tentacles.'"

  • This one's from @tlynn983. -Uh-huh.

  • -What do you think "T" stands for?

  • -Terry.

  • -Okay.

  • They say, "We walked outside one night,

  • and my 5-year-old daughter said, 'Wow!

  • It's bitch-black out here.'"

  • -Damn! -That's really funny.

  • Come on, man. This one's from @Christyrenee.

  • She says, "At a liquor store, a man walked in

  • with a little kid, who said,

  • 'Daddy, why do we always have to come here?'"

  • [ Cymbal crash ] -Oh!

  • Great!

  • -"You'll understand when you're older."

  • This one is from @coachjdjones.

  • He says, "My son got shots, and when he got back

  • into the waiting room, he looked at all the other kids

  • and said, 'They hurt you in there.'"

  • -"Don't go."

  • -This is from @babyduckyoongi.

  • She says, "When my brother was little,

  • he asked my aunt how she can make the scale go so high."

  • -Oh!

  • Hey-oh!

  • -Wow! -I did that once.

  • -You did it? -Yeah. I got in trouble.

  • -Yeah.

  • This one's from @meredithaellis.

  • She said, "I was teaching kindergartners about vitamins,

  • and one kind said her dad takes vitamins.

  • I asked her what he takes. She said, 'Viagra.'"

  • -Oh.

  • Come on. -Come on.

  • -Come on. -Come on.

  • -Don't be so hard on the kid. Come on.

  • -Oh! [ Blues music plays ]

  • -How would you play the blues if you played the blues?

  • Would you do it like that?

  • Like, on a stool, like kind of B.B. King style?

  • -Yeah, I'd do it on a stool.

  • -Head shaking, bite your bottom lip, maybe?

  • -I'd have a cigar-box guitar. -Oh, really?

  • Like -- Oh, I see.

  • So it looks like you're not going to be good.

  • -Yeah, but then -- -You surprise people.

  • -I'm great. Right.

  • -Yeah, you're like, "Oh, I'm just --

  • I don't even know.

  • I made this out of a cigar box in my free time, man.

  • And then, suddenly, it's like Django Reinhardt.

  • I'm, like, all over.

  • -I would get one of those kind of gross-looking guitars.

  • -Like Willie Nelson's or something?

  • Like an old one? -No, no.

  • That looks cool to me.

  • -Oh, you mean like a triple "V" or something like that?

  • Like four or five necks? -Kind of.

  • No, I don't even mind that either.

  • But more like -- just, like, almost too shaped and purple.

  • -Oh, so it's, like, made of Formica or something.

  • -Yeah, it's all sorts of different pickups and things.

  • It just looks -- But that's what I would get.

  • -You'd have that. -Yeah.

  • I would get, like, one of those expensive, like,

  • weird purply ones and then I'd be like...

  • [ Blues music plays ]

  • What else do you guys have to do?

  • We're right here. There's nothing else to do.

  • -Alright. Try it again.

  • What would you do with your weird-looking guitar?

  • [ Blues music playing ]

  • -No. He overreacted on that one.

  • Wait. Forget it.

  • -What else would you do with your guitar?

  • -Right? -I'm looking at it.

  • -We're good. We're done. We're done with that bit.

  • Forget it.

  • -Oh, don't be that way.

  • Come on. Don't be that way. Don't. Come on!

  • [ Blues music playing ] Come on! They didn't know.

  • Oh, man.

  • -[ Vocalizing blues music ]

  • [ Blues music playing ]

  • -I would do that. -That's what you'd do.

  • -That would be my thing.

  • I would do that for like four hours in a jazz club.

  • -Really? -JF.

  • JF's Jazz Club.

  • -JF's Jazz Club.

  • -And it would go, "Yo, play 'Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da.'"

  • I'd go... [ Vocalizing blues music ]

  • [ Blues music playing ]

  • -Four hours. -Four hours.

  • -Wrap-around sunglasses.

  • -I'll say, "If my act is longer than four hours,

  • call your doctor."

  • Callback, everybody. That's a callback.

  • That right there is -- You got yourself a Viagra --

  • You got yourself a Viagra callback.

  • This one's from @cdnels.

  • He says, "My daughter was given a Butterfinger.

  • A short while later, she handed us the crispy insides

  • with the chocolate eaten off and said, 'Here's the bones.'"

  • -Oh! -That's cute. Come on.

  • -Come on. That's cute. -What is this hashtag?

  • I forgot what it even was. Kids' quotes.

  • -Kids' quotes, quotes.

  • Kids' quotes.

  • -Kids' quotes. -Kid quote.

  • -This is from @3langboys.

  • She says, "At Easter Sunday mass,

  • the priest called children up to the altar

  • and told one little girl that her dress was pretty.

  • The little girl said, into the microphone,

  • 'My mom says it's a bitch to iron.'"

  • -It's a bitch.

  • -This one's from @filmzadanas.

  • He says, "Dad, I'm so glad you're not a zombie."

  • -Oh!

  • Shred it. -Yeah.

  • -Dude. -Come on, dude.

  • -Dude, come one, dude. -Dude.

  • -Dude. -No way, dude.

  • -You shredded the guitar. Now shred the joke.

  • -You want me to shred that? -Shred it.

  • -You want me to shred that joke? -No, no!

  • -No! -Oh, no, too late.

  • ♪♪

  • -Oh!

  • Oh, you're like Banksy. You're like Banksy.

  • -I can't do it. I can't do it. It's a kid.

  • -Come on, man. It's kid. -I can't shred a kid's line.

  • Yeah, I'm keeping it.

  • This is the last one. -Thank God.

  • Come on. -This last one's from @walabuki.

  • -Oh, Walabuki. I love that.

  • -She says, "A second grader in my class

  • ran up to me one morning and said, 'Guess what.

  • I was born on my birthday.'"

  • There you have it.

  • Those are "Tonight Show Hashtags."

  • To check out more of our favorites,

  • go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.

-Now I thought I'd share some of my favorite kid quotes

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ハッシュタグ: #KidQuotes (Hashtags: #KidQuotes)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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