♪♪

-I'm a dad.

And like most dads, I do have a kid.

[ Laughter ]

She's five.

Which is what we named him.

[ Laughter ]

She's a good little boy.

I come from a long line of dads.

[ Laughter ]

I was born December 8, 1979.

December 8th, '79.

Man, the '70s were crazy.

[ Laughter ]

Everybody's pooping their pants. There's boobs everywhere.

[ Laughter ]

Every nap I woke up from, poop in my pants, boobies in my face.

[ Laughter ]

It was a different time.

My son listens to me.

And if he doesn't understand what I'm saying, he's curious.

Recently, I had gotten him some ice cream,

and I was driving him to drop him off at his mom's house.

And I said, "Hey, buddy.

Maybe don't tell your mom about the ice cream.

Because you know what they say.

'Loose lips sink ships.'"

And he said, "What does 'loose lips sink ships' mean?"

I said, "I love you, man."

[ Laughter ]

"You're so inquisitive." You know?

Interesting story actually.

A gentleman set sail from Europe a long time ago,

looking for a new world, a new land.

Nobody thought it existed.

But he found it. It's called America.

It's where you were born, son. You're an American.

But what a lot of people don't know is that

there was another boat that took off before that boat.

And it would have found America first except everybody died

because the captain told his mom about the ice cream.

[ Laughter ]

So "loose lips sink ships."

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

My son witnessed a death.

He saw a bird fly into the window of his play room,

and it fell to the ground.

He wanted to see it, so we went outside.

And there we were, standing over what I knew was a dead bird

but what my son thought was a bird.

Because he doesn't know what death is.

And I realized in that moment that I might have to explain

death to a 5-year-old boy.

And it seemed like it would be easier if I could somehow

gather up all of the birds in the neighborhood

and explain windows...

[ Laughter ]

...than to explain death to a 5-year-old.

"Gather 'round, birds. I know it's a Tuesday.

I'm going to make it fast.

Let's talk about windows.

You're going to see clear squares and big solids.

Don't even try it.

You're never gonna get to the couch.

Now, let's talk about Windows 95."

[ Laughter ]

"We lost a lot of birds to windows that year."

My parents conceived me on a waterbed.

Which explains my fear of drowning

while my parents are having sex.

[ Laughter ]

How about we end on a happy note?

I want to be happy.

You guys are here in the pursuit of happiness.

It's noble.

If I see somebody that's happy in public,

I'm not afraid to ask them.

I want to know why because I want it.

And I saw a guy and he had it. He just looked happy.

And I walked up to him and I said,

"Sir, I need to know your secret to life, to happiness."

And I'll never forget what he said.

He said, "I'm nine years old."

[ Laughter ]

And I said, "Well, how'd you do that?"

And he said, "I'm scared."

[ Laughter ]

I said, "I'm scared, too, buddy."

[ Laughter ]

"It's a crazy world out there."

And I'll never forget the last thing he said as he ran away.

"Where's my mom?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Nick Thune!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I love you, man.

Nick Thune. For more, follow him @nickthune.