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  • - When a new story falls through the cracks,

  • Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.

  • (cheering and applauding) (upbeat music)

  • - The new year means new laws are going into effect

  • all across the country.

  • Think of them as America's new year's resolutions.

  • But unlike our personal resolutions,

  • they're meant to last a little longer

  • than the first time we pass The Cheesecake Factory.

  • So let's take a look at some of the new laws

  • debuting in 2019.

  • - In New Hampshire you must be at least 16 years old now

  • in order to get married, but that's as long

  • as you have parental consent.

  • Until now, girls could get married at 13 and boys at 14.

  • - Oh no, New Hampshire is raising the marriage age

  • from 13 to 16, won't somebody think of R Kelly?

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • But I'm glad they're raising the age!

  • Unbelievable.

  • No one is mature enough to make a long term commitment

  • at age 13.

  • I know your bar mitzvah says you're a man,

  • but that's just bullshit made up to get you an Xbox money.

  • Teenagers should not get married.

  • 13, 16, it doesn't matter, you still can't drink!

  • And drinking is the only way to get through a marriage.

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • Vermont's new laws are making it rain.

  • - [Man] Vermont will begin paying people to move there,

  • up to $10 000 over two years for people employed by

  • out of state companies who are willing

  • to work in Vermont remotely from a home office

  • or a cooperative workspace.

  • - We have a demographic in this state, we need more people.

  • - All right, Vermont, I'm gonna tell ya the same thing

  • I told my aunt when I saw her OkCupid page.

  • Quit acting so thirsty!

  • Seriously, you're offering 10 grand to live in Vermont?

  • If a state has to pay you money to live in it,

  • that's a good sign I don't wanna live in that state.

  • What good is $10 000 in Vermont?

  • That place is so dull I'll have to spend

  • the 10 grand of cocaine just to liven things up!

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • If I wanted to go someplace cold and empty,

  • I could look in the mirror.

  • (laughing and applauding) (air whooshing)

  • As you all know from my Instagram,

  • I'm not just a booty model, I'm also a wellness junkie.

  • I'm always looking for the newest shortcut

  • to a healthier life.

  • Whether it's the paleo diet, Pilates,

  • or committing medical insurance fraud.

  • I may not have the body of a 35-year-old,

  • but I have his Blue Cross card. (laughs)

  • So you can imagine my excitement

  • when I heard of a new all natural miracle drug.

  • - Now to the sourcing popularity of CBD,

  • that extract from the cannabis plant

  • that doesn't get you high but is being promoted

  • for so many uses, from insomnia to chronic pain.

  • - You just feel very calm.

  • It's like taking a big chill pill.

  • - [Man] CBD oil comes from the hemp plant,

  • it has trace amounts of THC but usually too small

  • to make anyone high.

  • - Not enough THC to get ya high?

  • Challenge accepted!

  • This will be a lot easier than the time

  • I tried to get drunk on Purell.

  • It got rid of gingivitis in my stomach.

  • But yes, the new wellness rage is CBD,

  • marijuana's less fun cousin.

  • They say it has all the benefits of weed without the high.

  • But then what's the point?

  • I only smoke weed to get high!

  • I'm not doing it to make friends

  • with white guys who love reggae.

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • So the whole world is doing CBD.

  • But there's one tiny issue,

  • the B in CBD might stand for bullshit.

  • - [Man] There's still no conclusive scientific evidence yet

  • that CBD products actually have health benefits.

  • - Buyer beware, you know?

  • Know going into it that there is no evidence for it

  • but if you're gonna walk out feeling better

  • I'm not gonna say that's a terrible thing,

  • but again as a scientist and as a society

  • let's get the real evidence.

  • - So, we don't know if CBD works.

  • But we do know it makes a butt load of money.

  • Basically, CBD is Ivanka Trump!

  • (laughing)

  • And if you hear a CBD user who's getting angry

  • because I said it doesn't work, guess what,

  • you getting angry means it's not (beep) working!

  • (laughing and applauding) (air whooshing)

  • If you live in New York City,

  • you've always been forced to make a choice.

  • You're in a car or you're in the subway.

  • You can only masturbate in one. (chuckles)

  • But now the city wants to cut down on road traffic

  • and push everyone into the subway

  • and people aren't happy about it.

  • - [Reporter] This passenger is trying to get

  • a 30 foot steel beam onto the train.

  • - [Man] He about to ride the whole train with that.

  • - [Reporter] Fellow riders lend a hand.

  • - [Man] And he got help now. (laughs)

  • - [Reporter] What do you know, it fits.

  • - A commuter in New York City made a subway car

  • into a jungle as videos posted on Twitter, Sunday,

  • man drags tree after tree onto the car

  • for more than three minutes.

  • Meanwhile, people on Twitter were shocked

  • that he was able to pull this off.

  • - Look at all those trees.

  • It's like Central Park, but inside.

  • All that's missing is some guy bathing

  • in a fountain full of pigeon shit.

  • (laughing)

  • By the way we can all agree that he stole that beam, right?

  • I mean, he's not on his way to a construction job

  • and they're like, Tony, don't forget to bring the beams

  • from home tomorrow!

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • Oh!

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • (chuckles) Oh and if you're gonna miss making yourself

  • pretty in the car, don't worry, you can do that

  • on the subway too.

  • - [Reporter] How would you like to ride to work

  • next to this person?

  • Or this guy shaving his head?

  • - People clipping their nails, eating on...

  • Oh yeah, that's--

  • - Clipping their nails?

  • - Toenails too.

  • (laughing)

  • - [Reporter] Want proof?

  • - Hey, that's my lawyer!

  • Hey, Ben! (laughing)

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • But yes, subway riders are shaving their heads

  • and clipping their nails.

  • You know who I blame for this, Queer Eye.

  • They taught men how to groom themselves,

  • but didn't tell them where to do it.

  • (laughing and applauding) (air whooshing)

  • You know America has been blessed

  • with some topnotch diseases.

  • Swine flu, bird flu and of course, pizza rat chlamydia.

  • I've had 'em all!

  • Well good news, now we're even more blessed.

  • Because one of America's classic diseases

  • is making a comeback.

  • - Right now the U.S. is experiencing

  • its worst measles outbreak since 2014,

  • with 349 cases in 26 states in the past year.

  • - [Man] Measles is no laughing matter,

  • measles can kill and--

  • - It is exquisitely contagious.

  • So you can be in a room where somebody with measles

  • had left two hours earlier and still get the disease.

  • - (scoffs) Measles can survive in a room for two hours?

  • There's not enough hand sanitizer in the world!

  • You can never be too careful.

  • That was vodka, by the way.

  • I hide it in Purell bottles so I can drink it in public.

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • But yes, the measles are back,

  • like a New Kids on the Block reunion tour.

  • No one asked for it and no one's happy to see it.

  • (laughing)

  • I thought measles were dark ages crap

  • we successfully eliminated from the planet, like the dodo.

  • If you say you're a bird but you can't fly, you're a liar!

  • How did this happen?

  • Modern medicine had pretty much eradicated measles.

  • But it turns out science is no match

  • for its greatest foe, idiots.

  • - This month, the World Health Organization

  • call the Anti-Vaccine Movement and major threat

  • to public health.

  • - [Man] Hundreds rallied to preserve their right

  • not to vaccinate their children.

  • - It is highly contagious.

  • - Yes it is. - Perhaps one of the most

  • contagious diseases out there.

  • - Yes it is.

  • - [Man] Are you afraid you're putting your child at risk?

  • - No, I don't feel like I'm putting my child at risk,

  • there's nothing that's gonna change my mind on this,

  • on that specific vaccination.

  • - If you read the fine print,

  • I'm sure somewhere it says, you know,

  • there is a possible fatal outcome there. (chuckles)

  • Some possible fatal consequences

  • and that gets you a little worried.

  • - (mimics laughing) I love morons!

  • If you read the fine print,

  • well actually I've read the fine print of measles

  • and you know what the side effects include?

  • Dying of (beep) measles!

  • So where did these dummies get these dumb ideas?

  • The same place that wants you to believe

  • you're miserable aunt and closeted uncle

  • are actually happy, the internet.

  • But social media are finally starting

  • to get their act together.

  • - [Man] Facebook said, quote, "We've taken steps

  • "to reduce the distribution of health related

  • "misinformation on Facebook.

  • "But we know we have more to do."

  • - [Woman] Pinterest is blocking searches

  • related to vaccinations, the social media company says

  • it wants to curb the spread of misinformation.

  • Most shared images on Pinterest

  • relating to vaccinations advise against them.

  • - Who the (beep) is getting their

  • health information on Pinterest?

  • That's where you're supposed to plan weddings

  • and find tacky home decor.

  • Then again, on Pinterest, you can find tips

  • on how not to vaccinate your kid.

  • And then find the perfect headstone

  • for your unvaccinated kid.

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • (upbeat music)

- When a new story falls through the cracks,

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2019年のルイス・ブラックを怒らせたすべて|ザ・デイリーショー (Everything That Pissed Off Lewis Black in 2019 | The Daily Show)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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