I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin,

some news out of Hong Kong.

Officials are warning people not to kiss their pets

because a dog contracted coronavirus, yes.

However, it is still okay

to take your dog to dinner and a movie.

You know, sometimes it's nice to go something

without physical reward at the end.

Here are this week's headlines.

All right, so look, normally, we would catch up

on all of the headlines from around the world.

You know, maybe we'd talk about Harvey Weinstein

getting 23 years in prison.

(cheering and applause) Uh, yeah.

Or we could talk about the Supreme Court

giving President Trump a victory on immigration.

But today, there's only one story

the entire world is talking about--

the coronavirus, aka COVID-19,

aka Mambo Number Death. (laughter)

It's now in 110 countries

with over 122,000 confirmed cases,

and it looks like it's only getting worse.

- The World Health Organization today

officially designating coronavirus

as a global pandemic.

Congress's in-house doctor told Capitol Hill staffers

at a closed-door meeting this week that he expects

75 to 150 million people

in the United States to contract the coronavirus.

- New tests led by the U.S. government scientists

show the virus can live in the air for several hours

and on some surfaces for up to three days.

- Oh, okay. That's a lot of information,

so let's try and break it all down.

First, the World-- World Health Organization

has officially just declared coronavirus a global pandemic.

Which, yes, is scary for us humans,

but from corona's perspective, it's pretty cool, yeah?

No, 'cause for a virus,

this is like going platinum, you know?

It's... it's a big day.

Started from the Wuhan, now we're here.

(laughter)

I think it's pretty cool for corona.

And yes, I'm saying that because I hope

if I suck up to corona, it'll leave me alone.

I, uh, I'm not sure if it'll work,

but I'm gonna try it.

Now, the second piece of information

is a little more disconcerting.

Congress's in-house doctor

says up to 150 million people in the United States

could end up getting corona.

Yeah, that is half the country.

And then the other half won't get it

because they're clearly losers who don't have friends.

Yeah, it's gonna be like,

"Like, how do you not have corona?

Has nobody touched you? I'd rather be dead."

And the third point might be the most scary.

Uh, we're learning that this coronavirus

can stay on some surfaces for up to three days.

Yeah, although in New York, it doesn't stay as long

because it can't afford the rent.

That's the good news.

The housing crisis is real.

Now, on some surfaces like cardboard...

Apparently, corona can only survive for a day

if it's cardboard.

But then on harder surfaces like glass,

it can survive for much longer.

So, like, your cell phone?

That could be a problem.

Yeah. My advice?

Clear your browsing history.

Yeah, I mean, you might still get corona,

but at least the doctors won't see all the freaky shit

you've been searching on your phone.

"Is this your emergency co-- Wait, what the hell?"

And look, guys, I know we're all scared,

but it's important to keep a clear head.

Panic is not gonna help anything.

Right, we're still learning about this.

We're still learning about the mortality rate.

And panic is not helping, 'cause right now some people

are letting their panic make them dumb as shit.

- The impact of the coronavirus being felt across the country,

now affecting everything from air travel to schools

to what's on store shelves,

or what's not on store shelves in some case.

Some retailers seeing a run on many of the basics.

- Well, just a crazy scene at a grocery store

where toilet paper has been in high demand.

- Yeah, surveillance video shows

a stampede of customers clearing the shelves.

- Fights over toilet paper

breaking out in grocery stores as shelves run empty.

- People, what are you doing?

(laughter and applause)

I really don't understand what people are do--

You do not need to panic over toilet paper.

Water, I would understand, right?

Food, medicine, yes,

but you can survive without toilet paper.

Don't forget. You're in a bathroom.

"Oh, how will I clean my butt in this room with a shower?"

(laughter)

Like, I feel like-- I feel like people

in first world countries don't know what to panic about.

Toilet paper? Are you shitting me?

(cheering and applause)

Like, what... What's next?

Are people just gonna be running around Walmart

like, "Aah! Where's the car wax? Aah!"

And maybe it's because-- it's because, where I grew up,

there were times when we didn't have toilet paper.

Honestly, when I was a kid, we didn't have toilet paper.

We always made a plan, right? You can use newspaper.

You just rub it together. This is a true thing, right?

You can use paper towels.

Hell, everyone in America has a dog.

Push comes to shove, you wipe your ass on the dog.

Yeah, "Freckles, get out here!"

(laughter and groaning)

People are like, "I'd rather use my hands, Trevor!"

Look, man, just avoid panicking.

Because if you panic, you stop thinking clearly.

And if you're not thinking clearly,

then you'll start to believe anything that you hear.

And there is a lot of bad information that is out there.

- Well, the spread of the coronavirus, it's also led

to a lot of spread of misinformation.

- There are more rumors going around on social media

about how to avoid the coronavirus.

Eating garlic, drinking bleach,

snorting cocaine, yes, and masturbation

are not miracle cures for coronavirus.

- Yes.

Drinking bleach,

snorting cocaine,

and masturbating

is not the way to cure corona.

It's the way to kick off the most rock-and-roll party

of your life.

That's what that is. (cheering and applause)

That's what that is.

And I don't understand

how anyone even falls for any of that.

None of those things gets rid of the coronavirus.

Right? Bleach gets rid of stains.

You can't drink it. It's not gonna help you.

Garlic gets rid of vampires, okay?

Cocaine gets rid of your money, that's it.

Like, in a way, the only thing that makes sense

is masturbating, okay?

Yeah, it won't cure you,

but if you stay in and you do that all day,

you'll probably have less chance of catching the virus.

Yeah, you know, if the CDC really wants people

to self-quarantine, forget the Purell.

They should just be handing out lotion.

"Here you go. Stay home and, uh,

social distance yourself. You know what I mean."

All right, that's it for the headlines.

Let's move on to our top story.

(music and cheering)

The Democratic primary race is down to two major candidates,

the old man from "Up"

and the old Captain America.

And because yesterday was another big day

on the path to the nomination,

it's time to catch up on the latest developments

in our ongoing segment, "World War D."

(music and cheering)

Yesterday, Democrats in six states went to the polls

to cast their votes and get some coronavirus.

And after a strong showing on Super Tuesday,

Biden picked up right where he left off.

- Former Vice President Joe Biden expanded his lead

in the Democratic presidential race.

Biden won in at least four of the six states

which voted yesterday.

He took the battleground state of Michigan by double digits.

Biden now leads the race by 150 delegates,

which significantly narrows any path to victory

for Senator Bernie Sanders.

- Looking at the math tonight, I think it's almost certain

that Bernie Sanders does not have a mathematical,

uh, path to becoming the Democratic nominee.

- Let's shut this puppy down,

and let's move on and worry about November.

This thing is decided. There's no reason

to keep it going not even a day longer.

- Okay, okay, okay.

That talking raisin needs to calm down.

Yes, Joe Biden had a great night.

That doesn't mean you have to shut

the primary down immediately.

This is the presidential race,

not a kissing booth in the Wuhan province, all right?

Because, look, it is true, it is true that

because of last night's results, there have already been calls

for Bernie Sanders to step aside

and let the slightly younger generation take over.

But let me tell you something.

If you think a little turbulence is gonna shake Bernie Sanders

out of the race, you need to think again.

- Senator Bernie Sanders earlier today

making clear he has no plans to drop out

of the Democratic presidential contest.

- On Sunday, I very much look forward

to the debate in Arizona

with my friend Joe Biden.

And let me be very frank

as to the questions that I will be asking Joe.

Joe, what are you gonna do about the fact

that we have the highest rate of childhood poverty?

What are you gonna do to end the terror

that millions of undocumented people experience right now?

What are you gonna do to end the absurdity

of billionaires buying elections?

Joe, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

(imitating Sanders) - ♪ What are you gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys, uh, what are you gonna do? ♪

♪ What are you gonna do? ♪ (applause and cheering)

♪ When they come for you? ♪

(rapping indistinctly)

So, yeah, for now,

Bernie Sanders is not dropping out of the race.

And what was interesting is some people were worried

that the only reason Bernie was staying

was to burn the party to the ground.

But after today's speech, it seems like Bernie wants

to push Biden to a more progressive platform.

And I actually think it's really nice of Bernie

that he's giving Biden the questions beforehand.

Yeah, you know, he could've made it a surprise,

but now, he's like one of those cool teachers in school

that tells you what's gonna be on the test, you know?

And you think they're being nice, but they just don't want

to see your ass again if you get held back.

That's why they're doing it. "I need you to pass, okay?"

So it's gonna be interesting to see Bernie putting pressure

on Biden in their first one-on-one debate this Sunday.

And I'll be honest.

I think Joe Biden is ready for the fight.

And I say that because yesterday,

a video came out of Biden going toe-to-toe

with a factory worker in Michigan, and he was fired up.

- Earlier in the day touring an auto plant in Detroit,