字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント Today was the third day of the impeachment trial of Donald Jemimah Trump. And Democrats continue to lay out a meticulous case that Trump abused his power and is now trying to cover it up. They've given floor speeches. They've shown video evidence. They even brought out the Constitution and had it tell everyone where Trump touched it. But no matter how compelling the evidence might be, I have major doubts about whether it's gonna change anyone's mind. 'Cause, you see, a lot of these senators haven't exactly been glued to their seats. Many of the senators from both parties were MIA at different times despite rules which require them to stay put. At one point during the evening session, 15 GOP senators' seats were empty, and 12 Democratic seats were empty. Cory Booker seen with his iPhone in the cloakroom. Senator Lindsey Graham was gone for, oh, at least an hour or so in the evening. Democratic senator Dianne Feinstein, uh, she left about an hour and a half early, as well. Okay, this is not a good look, people. Senators are just leaving the room and then doing their own thing in the middle of an impeachment trial? You can't just walk away. This isn't a conversation with Ted Cruz. (laughter) Because, you understand, these senators are jurors in a trial against the president. You can't just go home early because you're bored. That's your job! Imagine if normal people tried to pull that shit in the middle of jury duty, huh? If someone's just like, "Ugh, now I got to hear "from the victim's wife? Ugh! I'm out of here. Text me if something cool happens." Like, you know what? If you didn't want to be bored at work, you shouldn't have become a senator, okay? Yeah. You should have stuck with race car driving. -(applause) -Mitch McConnell. Yeah, but you didn't like what the wind did to your neck flaps. (laughter) And while American senators are looking for a way to get out of these proceedings, America's president is looking for a way to get in. NEWSWOMAN: The president seemed to relish the idea of crashing the impeachment trial and staring down Democrats himself. So, what do you think? Will you show up at your trial any day -in any way, shape, or form? -I'd love to go. -Wouldn't that be great? -So why don't you go? I don't know. I'd sort of love to sit right in the front row and stare in their corrupt faces. (laughter) You know, Trump... Trump is like that guy who always tells you what he'd do in a fight. Just like, "Oh, man, if I saw that guy, "I'd hit him with a left, then duck, then come in with a wham, pow, boom!" It's like, "So, are you gonna fight him, then?" "Ooh, we'll see. But I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm really busy." So, yeah. Trump says he wishes he could be at that impeachment trial to look his accusers in the face. And I wish he would go to the impeachment trial, too, because if he's locked up in a room for 12 hours at a time, he wouldn't have time to be doing things like this. A new rollback is expected to be announced today that could potentially put more pollution into our water. The changes would scale back which waterways qualify for protection against pollution under the Clean Water Act. President Trump says this would benefit farmers, who will no longer have to fear farming their federally protected creeks. However, a government report shows real estate developers would see the most benefit. Huh. That's a weird coincidence. A new rollback on water protections will benefit real estate developers, and it was passed by a real estate developer who hasn't drank water since the '70s. What are the odds? Why do I feel like... Why do I feel like all of Trump's policies are just really him trying to help himself, right? Like, I wouldn't be shocked if we find out the real reason Trump killed Soleimani was because he gave Trump's hotel one star on Yelp. (laughter and applause) Yeah. Like, I wouldn't be shocked. Because this is... It's insane. It's an insane policy. The world is gonna be flooded, and Trump is like, "Wait, wait, poison the water first. I want to make this the best apocalypse of all time." But, I mean, at the same time, maybe we do need a little more pollution, yeah, 'cause, let's be honest, there has been a little too much clean water. Yeah. I mean, like, the other day, I went for a swim in the Hudson. My skin barely burned. That's not why I moved here. So, yeah, senators are playing hooky during impeachment, and Trump is destroying the environment. But, hey, at least he didn't buy donuts.