The disease is now officially in 85 countries,

and it has over 95,000 confirmed cases.

And it's the reason even white people

have switched to the fist bump.

"And explode."

Now, here in New York, because the city is so crowded,

the risk of coronavirus is especially dangerous.

Because, you see, if corona can make it here,

it can make it anywhere.

(laughter)

And that's why city officials are taking action.

NEWSWOMAN: The MTA stepping up its cleaning efforts

to prevent the spread of the coronavirus on public transit.

Workers are disinfecting 427 subway stations,

wiping down the turnstiles,

handrails and ticket vending machines daily.

In addition to that daily cleaning,

the MTA says its full fleet of subways, trains and buses

will be sanitized every 72 hours.

That's right. New York is trying to keep the subway clean

to protect riders from spreading coronavirus.

Which is a noble instinct, but good luck

trying to keep the New York City subway system clean. Yeah.

You can actually hear that paper towel screaming.

(screams)

(laughter and applause)

And by the way, maybe I'm just noticing it now,

but, like, was I the only one who was like,

"Wait, now they're cleaning the subway?"

(cheering and applause)

Like...

What were they doing before?

"Oh, well, now we'll clean it every 72..."

What were you doing before?

Although that video is a little bit funny

because it actually looks like we're cleaning up

so we can impress the coronavirus when it arrives.

Yeah. So the corona's gonna come on the subway like,

"Wow, is this for me?"

But for real, though, everyone on the subway

is taking the threat seriously.

If you ride the trains, you know what I'm talking about.

People are avoiding handrails.

The rats are wearing little hazmat suits.

Yeah. Even the subway masturbators

have switched from lotion to Purell. Yeah.

It burns, but it's responsible.

And remember, you have to do it long enough

to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.

All right, let's move on, because while humans are worried

about getting wiped off the planet,

there's another species that might be coming back.

Scientists say that they've discovered dinosaur DNA

along with other biological material

in a fossilized skull in Montana.

The skull belonged to a Hypacrosaurus,

which was a plant-eating duckbill dinosaur

which has been extinct for around 66 million years.

Now, DNA is only expected to survive a million years,

so if the discovery is confirmed,

it would change our understanding of biology.

Okay, it may change your understanding of biology.

I already didn't know any of that shit.

(laughter)

What I do understand is for the first time ever,

they found actual dinosaur DNA.

And, guys, if-if we have dinosaur DNA,

we have to make Jurassic Park.

I mean...

Yeah, no, look, I-I know.

I know we've seen the movies.

I know how it's gonna end.

But those first two days are gonna be dope.

(laughter)

It's gonna be so much fun.

(cheering and applause)

Like, if my options are dying from coronavirus

or a velociraptor, I know what I'm choosing.

Yeah, gas up that bubble thing.

Let's do this, baby.

You know, I actually... I actually feel bad for dinosaurs

if we bring them back, you know?

'Cause everyone assumes that if they'll return,

they'll kill us and take over the world,

but shit has changed, my friends.

Yeah. The fast-food industry does not mess around.

Yeah, once Popeyes sees

a big, meaty animal walking around?

Yeah, it's two weeks until we're all like...

♪ Love that T. rex from Popeyes. ♪

(laughter and applause)

And imagine...

Can you imagine what it would be like for a dinosaur?

'Cause we're always like, "Dinosaurs could come back."

But we're expecting them. For them, if they come back

in modern times, there's gonna be one dinosaur,

the first one looking around like,

"Everything is so different.

"There's cities, there's cars,

"and I don't underst... Oh, Bernie!

"Hey, Bernie!

Good to see you again."

"Hello, Carl. Hello, Carl.

We need to talk. I need your help."

"Did you pass Medicare for All?"

"It's getting close. We're getting there."

(laughs)

And finally, some news from the tech world.

If you're worried about being canceled

because of your old tweets, well, help is on the way.

NEWSWOMAN: Twitter is starting to test

tweets that disappear after 24 hours.

The company is calling the new format Fleets

because of their short-lived nature.

The feature is similar to Instagram stories

and snaps on Snapchat.

Fleets won't be available to be retweeted

and won't have likes, but people can respond to them.

That's right. Soon, you'll be able to post tweets

that get deleted automatically after 24 hours,

which means the Oscars can have a host again.

Yay!

And I think...

I think more apps should incorporate this feature.

You know? Like, they should say if you send a text message

to someone you like but they don't reply,

that message should also disappear automatically

because I'm not a loser.

(cheering and applause)

Just gonna leave me on read?

And as much as I like this idea, I think there are a few ways

that Twitter can improve it even more.

Like, they should say if you send a tweet after midnight,

it automatically deletes itself after two minutes. Yeah.

No one says anything good at that time.

They should also have another feature that,

if the president sends a tweet,

they should delete before he hits send.

-Yeah. -(cheering and applause)

Just have it disappear.

He'll just be sitting there, like, "All these Mexica...

"All these Mexica...

I'm hungry."