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  • The coronavirus.

  • It's the worst global pandemic since "Baby Shark."

  • There are now over 80,000 confirmed cases

  • in 40 countries,

  • including 57 confirmed cases

  • right here in the United States.

  • (coughs) 58.

  • And so, today,

  • the president of the United States

  • held an emergency press conference

  • to address people's concerns.

  • I have just received another briefing

  • from a great group of talented people.

  • We're ready to adapt,

  • and we're ready to do whatever we have to

  • as the disease spreads, if it spreads.

  • The level that we've had in our country is very low,

  • and those people are... getting better.

  • We're very, very ready for this.

  • I'm gonna be putting our vice president,

  • Mike Pence, in charge.

  • I'm gonna ask Mike Pence to say a few words.

  • Please. Thank you, Mike.

  • Thank you, Mr. President.

  • Yes, this is major news.

  • Vice President Mike Pence will be in charge

  • of America's effort to contain the coronavirus.

  • And I think this is great, yeah,

  • 'cause Mike Pence has a lot of experience in this area.

  • He's been quarantining himself from women his whole life.

  • This is great. And some might be worried,

  • some might be worried because, when Mike Pence was governor

  • of Indiana, he enabled an HIV outbreak

  • when he didn't follow the advice of public health officials.

  • But, I'll be honest, I still feel safer with him

  • than with Trump, all right?

  • Because Trump, first of all, if you saw the briefing,

  • didn't seem to know anything that we didn't.

  • It's like he just gets his news online with us.

  • Just like, "I-I saw a thing. It looks bad.

  • "It's rea-- pretty bad.

  • "It's like some people have it. A lot of people have it.

  • "You might have it. (stammers)

  • I don't even know if I have it."

  • And earlier, earlier this week, earlier this week,

  • when Trump was briefed on the virus,

  • he seemed less concerned about a pandemic hurting people

  • than he was about it hurting the economy.

  • 'Cause that's Trump's real nightmare, right,

  • if his stock market gets sick.

  • Yeah. He would be like, "No, not my poor stock market.

  • "Not Wall Street. I'll nurse you back to health

  • "with my special chicken soup.

  • It's a KFC bucket poured with Diet Coke."

  • (groaning)

  • It's delicious. Don't judge.

  • -(laughter) -Don't judge.

  • The Diet Coke undoes the KFC.

  • (chuckles)

  • And, also, also, when Trump first talked

  • about the coronavirus earlier this week--

  • I'm not gonna lie-- it wasn't exactly reassuring.

  • The, uh, coronavirus, which is, um...

  • you know, very well under control in our country.

  • We, uh, have very few people with it.

  • The people are getting better. They're all getting better.

  • I think that whole situation will start working out.

  • A lot of talent,

  • a lot of brainpower's being put behind it.

  • $2.5 billion we're putting in.

  • There's a very good chance you're not gonna die.

  • (laughter, gasping)

  • Okay, we're-we're definitely all gonna die.

  • You know, Trump-Trump is great for jokes,

  • but, in times of crisis, Trump is the worst person

  • to reassure the nation.

  • Because a president is like a parent.

  • They're supposed to make people feel

  • like they have things under control.

  • Trump is like, "Yeah, maybe. You never..."

  • Like, he's the kind of parent who would freak

  • their kid out even more.

  • Be like, "Daddy, there are monsters under my bed.

  • Are-are they there?" Be like,

  • "I don't know, kid. Probably not.

  • "But, uh, nobody knows for sure.

  • "Nobody knows. I mean, you could have swallowed a tiny monster,

  • "and it's growing in your tummy right now. (chuckles)

  • Nobody knows. All right, good night, buddy."

  • So, the question is, what is the latest news from the coronavirus

  • and how is it affecting the world?

  • Well, let's find out in our brand-new segment

  • Is This How We Die?

  • -♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)

  • Today's catastrophic threat to humanity is the coronavirus,

  • also known as COVID-19,

  • or covfefe.

  • Trump tried to warn us, but we laughed.

  • Now, scientists are still learning

  • about this virus, because it's so new.

  • What we do know though is that it's extremely contagious

  • and that it looks different

  • depending on which news channel you're watching.

  • Yeah. On NBC, it looks like fish eggs.

  • On ABC, it looks like Nickelodeon slime.

  • Uh, on CBS, it looks like radioactive cauliflower.

  • And on Fox News, they just made it look like Hillary Clinton.

  • "Lock it up! Lock it up!"

  • (chuckles) And, now, while America is bracing

  • for the worst, other countries around the world

  • are in the thick of it.

  • So let's go over to Japan,

  • where the coronavirus isn't just getting people sick--

  • it's also going for the gold.

  • REPORTER: The 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo

  • might be canceled because of the outbreak.

  • REPORTER 2: A senior member of the International

  • Olympics Committee told the Associated Press,

  • "You're probably looking at a cancellation

  • if the coronavirus outbreak isn't curtailed by May."

  • REPORTER 3: You're talking about hundreds of thousands of people

  • coming from 200-plus countries,

  • all staying in close quarters here in Tokyo for a few weeks

  • and then going back out to their home countries.

  • If they don't get this thing under control,

  • the potential for a major public health crisis

  • and outbreak is huge.

  • Yes, the Olympics might be canceled

  • because of the coronavirus.

  • And, personally, I'm devastated,

  • because I was gonna compete in the shot put.

  • Yeah, no, for real.

  • One of those big guys was gonna throw me.

  • Now, cancelling the Olympics is a pretty big deal.

  • In fact, the event has only ever been canceled for world wars

  • and its old tweets. But it makes sense.

  • Hosting a worldwide competition during a pandemic

  • is a recipe for disaster, right?

  • And it's bound to affect the quality of the sports.

  • I mean, you can't have that when this disease is going on.

  • I mean, can you imagine the relays?

  • They're gonna have the slowest times ever.

  • No one's gonna want to touch the same baton.

  • Just be like, "Ew, ew, ew! Ew! Ew, ew."

  • And good luck breaking records in the pool

  • when you're dressed like this.

  • So,

  • the virus is potentially a world war-level threat,

  • and you might be thinking, with this level of danger,

  • we should be turning to God.

  • But as we're learning from the Philippines,

  • God may not be able to help.

  • Millions of Christians around the world

  • are observing Ash Wednesday today.

  • It marks the start of Lent,

  • a season of fasting and prayer, all leading up to Easter.

  • This year, out of precaution for the coronavirus,

  • some churches are sprinkling ashes

  • on the heads of churchgoers

  • instead of smudging it on their foreheads.

  • Yes, as unbelievable as it sounds,

  • because of the coronavirus,

  • many Catholic priests are just sprinkling ashes

  • on their parishioners, like a religious salt bae.

  • (laughter)

  • And that's how you know the coronavirus is serious,

  • because even the church is afraid.

  • Like, if coronavirus was around in the bible,

  • Jesus would have been like, "I will lay hands on this leper,

  • "and I will raise the dead, and for the...

  • "Oh, coronavirus. No, no, no, no.

  • "Let me turn this water into Purell.

  • I ain't touching that shit.”

  • (laughter)

  • So Japan and the Philippines are taking major precautions.

  • But all the way over in Iran,

  • things are already getting out of control.

  • MAN: Iran has suffered the highest number

  • of coronavirus deaths outside of China,

  • with 15 dead and 95 cases reported.

  • On Monday, the country's deputy health minister went on TV,

  • insisting the Iranian government

  • had the coronavirus under control.

  • (speaking foreign language)

  • MAN: But the very next day, it was announced

  • that he himself had contracted the virus.

  • -(audience groaning) -Are you shitting me?

  • (laughter)

  • The health minister came out saying everything is fine,

  • but then he's got the disease?

  • So not only is this virus super contagious.

  • It also has a sick sense of humor.

  • (laughter)

  • And it's bad enough, it's bad enough

  • that the health minister, the deputy health minister is sick,

  • but it's even worse that in the days before he was diagnosed,

  • he was going on TV and spreading it around.

  • -(speaking foreign language) -(woman laughs)

  • (coughing)

  • (speaking foreign language)

  • (audience groaning, chuckling)

  • I think it's safe to say that that guy's career is over

  • because, let's be honest,

  • a health minister that gets sick will never be trusted again.

  • Yeah. It's just like, "Everybody needs to wash their hands."

  • People are like, "Man, why would we listen to you,

  • you sick-ass bitch."

  • (laughter)

  • So that's where we are now.

  • The coronavirus, which started in Asia,

  • has now spread from Europe to the U.S., the Middle East,

  • and all the way, as of today, to South America.

  • So remember, people, wash your hands,

  • try not to touch your face, cover your cough,

  • and stay away from that Iranian health official.

  • (laughter)

  • And if you do all of those things, there's a good chance

  • (as Trump): you're probably not gonna die.

The coronavirus.

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