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  • - Some stories in the news help us understand

  • the world we live in.

  • And some news stories are just stupid.

  • For those, we turn to Ronny Chieng.

  • (audience cheers) (dramatic music)

  • - If you're super rich,

  • the only thing better than spending your money

  • is having other rich people see you spend your money.

  • And the place you do that?

  • Auctions.

  • It's the place where a guy talks so fast

  • that he tricks you into buying crazy shit

  • you don't even need.

  • Like, one time I raised my hand at an auction

  • to ask where the bathroom was,

  • and I ended up buying a yacht.

  • And the yacht didn't even have a bathroom.

  • You're just supposed to pee over the side like a barbarian.

  • So auctions were always where the rich went to flex,

  • but now it's just getting stupid.

  • - [Reporter] A little piece of the Force

  • sold for a small fortune.

  • A prototype "Star Wars" action figure

  • fetched just under $113,000.

  • - Wow. - At an auction

  • in Pennsylvania, oh my gosh.

  • The rocket-firing Boba Fett figure

  • was originally intended to be part of a toy line

  • for "The Empire Strikes Back" in 1979,

  • but it never went into mass production.

  • That's because it was deemed

  • a potential safety hazard to children.

  • - That's right, $113,000 for one toy.

  • For that money, you could have bought all of Toys R Us.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And the worst part is you're dropping 100 grand

  • on a toy that wasn't even good enough to be released.

  • And I wonder why.

  • Look, I don't remember the part in "Star Wars"

  • where Boba Fett captures Han Solo with a red dildo.

  • (audience laughs) (audience applauds)

  • This all just shows you that "Star Wars" fans

  • will buy any stupid bullshit

  • even remotely related to "Star Wars."

  • And that's why I'm gonna start selling

  • the Luke Skywalker walker.

  • (audience laughs)

  • One thing I've learned about Americans

  • is that Americans love their pets.

  • And I'm here to say, "Why?"

  • Pets are kinda stupid.

  • I mean, you spend all your time picking up their poop,

  • and then, on top of that, when they die,

  • you have to go through all the trouble

  • of throwing them in your neighbor's yard?

  • Uh, no, thanks.

  • But that's just me, okay?

  • Other people are obsessed with their pets,

  • and it's, quite frankly, getting outta control.

  • - [Reporter] A Manhattan restaurant has rolled out

  • a special menu just for dogs.

  • - [Reporter] Check out what's on it.

  • A $42 rib eye steak with steamed veggies,

  • a lemon-drizzled salmon filet for 28 bucks,

  • grilled chicken breast for 16,

  • light bites of carrots and apples and a berry bowl.

  • - Why are you feeding dogs $40 steaks?

  • You realize dogs will eat their own poop.

  • In fact, if I ran this restaurant,

  • I would just take the poop from my last dog customer

  • and feed it to the next dog customer, okay?

  • The dogs would be just as happy, and you're recycling.

  • Last week in Las Vegas was the annual

  • Consumer Electronics Show where tech companies

  • give us a first look at all the junk

  • we'll be throwing away in six months.

  • And this year was the worst yet.

  • They have a lot of technology and no good ways to use it.

  • - [Reporter] A company called Monet has a cookie-sized

  • attachment that you can put on a diaper

  • and it's bluetooth enabled

  • so any time the diaper gets dirty,

  • you'll get a notification on your phone.

  • - [Reporter] The sensor can detect

  • whether there's a number one or a number two in the diaper.

  • - Wow, a diaper with built-in notification.

  • You know what else has a built-in notification?

  • Human shit, all right.

  • Trust me, it'll let you know when it's in the room.

  • Or even the next room, depending on what you ate, okay.

  • You don't need to bring bluetooth into this.

  • Also, who wants to get notifications on their phone

  • every time their baby takes a crap?

  • Notifications are supposed to be for good things.

  • I don't wanna be like, "Oh my phone's buzzing.

  • "I wonder if it's my food.

  • "Oh no, that's just my son's food

  • "coming out of its butt."

  • America has a problem with food.

  • You guys want your food to be cheap and fast,

  • but also to be fresh and healthy.

  • That's too many things, okay.

  • You can't have both.

  • It's like racial diversity at a ski lodge.

  • It doesn't exist.

  • And when Americans don't get everything they expect

  • from their food,

  • you end up with dumb lawsuits like this one.

  • - A judge has given new life to a class action lawsuit

  • accusing Poland Spring of selling water that's sourced

  • from wells and not springs.

  • He ruled last week that an amended complaint can proceed

  • with claims in eight states.

  • Poland Springs corporate parent,

  • Connecticut based Nestle Waters North America,

  • reiterated Tuesday that it's a meritless lawsuit

  • and said that the judge's decision

  • doesn't undermine its confidence.

  • - That's right, a woman is mad that Poland Spring

  • water doesn't come from a spring, it comes from a well.

  • Yeah, I just told the people in Flint, Michigan

  • about this story and they said, "to go (beep) yourself".

  • (audience laughs)

  • Seriously! (audience cheers)

  • Who actually thinks Poland Spring water

  • comes from a spring in Poland?

  • Do you also think your Smart Water went to MIT?

  • (audience laughs) It's all marketing!

  • Although to be fair, CVS water does come from CVS, okay?

  • It's locally sourced from the CVS break room toilet.

  • Trevor, you probably don't know this,

  • but today is Earth Day.

  • So to celebrate, I got you some earth.

  • - Whoa!

  • Ronny what the hell? - You're welcome, Trevor.

  • As we celebrate earth, we're also trying to figure out

  • how to save it.

  • Take me, for instance.

  • To help cool the planet, before I left my apartment today,

  • I turned the air conditioning on.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - No, isn't that contributing to global warming?

  • - No, stupid, I left the window open, of course.

  • (audience laughs)

  • But unfortunately for the earth, not everyone's solutions

  • are as practical as mine.

  • - How can humankind tackle global warming?

  • There are some scientists proposing a technique

  • that's similar to the earth wearing UV protection sunglasses

  • apparently to block out the sun's harmful rays.

  • - Basically what the proposal wants to do

  • is it wants to send airplanes into the stratosphere

  • effectively spraying it with aerosols into the atmosphere,

  • almost kind of like working like you're adding extra clouds.

  • When you do that, you essentially are trying

  • to block more of that sunlight.

  • - So you're solution to save the planet

  • is to spray more shit into the atmosphere.

  • (audience laughs) Let me ask you,

  • what's the point of saving earth,

  • if the whole thing looks like New Jersey.

  • (audience laughs) And also, there's no way

  • that will work.

  • It's like trying to get a coffee stain out of your shirt

  • by using blood.

  • Don't believe every life hack you read on the internet.

  • We don't need to dim the sun.

  • We already have two dim sons.

  • They're called Eric and Don Jr.

  • Hello, high five, Trevor! (audience cheers)

  • Come on!

  • - I'm not gonna high five you.

  • I'm not gonna high five you.

  • - Oh sorry, I didn't know you were a Trump guy.

  • (audience laughs) Anyway, it's Halloween again.

  • Or as I like to call it, "The Stupidest Time of Year"

  • 'cause you've got dumb kids come to your house

  • begging for candy and then you have everyone else

  • trying to come up with a costume that's topical

  • but also hot.

  • "Oh look at me, I'm sexy quid pro quo."

  • (audience laughs) What does that even mean?

  • But Halloween also means that businesses are pretending

  • they're cool by coming out with spooky promotions

  • like this guy.

  • - A car wash in Ohio is doubling down as a haunted house.

  • Check it out.

  • Customers can enjoy the spooky experience

  • while riding through the car wash.

  • These actors dressed in scary Halloween costumes,

  • will wipe down cars and scare customers.

  • The frightening car wash costs 20 bucks.

  • - Not only are locked in your car in a haunted house,

  • but you're gonna go home

  • with what we think is the cleanest car in Ohio.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - The cleanest car in Ohio.

  • Who cares?

  • It's still in Ohio.

  • I'd rather have the second dirtiest car anywhere else.

  • More importantly, why do you have to combine

  • these two things?

  • How busy are people?

  • Are you really just sitting around like,

  • "Yo, I got time for a haunted house or a car wash.

  • "I can't do both." (audience laughs)

  • Ugh, it's Christmas again!

  • It's just another excuse for you people to send me

  • stupid pictures of your family.

  • Oh, great, another baby dressed as an elf.

  • Wow, thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy.

  • (audience laughs)

  • But now, thanks to all these stupid world leaders

  • not giving a shit about climate change,

  • everything you love about Christmas is gonna disappear.

  • - In our Eye on Earth series,

  • we'll take you to Santa's hometown in the North Pool

  • where climate change is threatening the reindeer population.

  • - The reindeer feed, even through the winter, on lichen,

  • a mossy plant they dig down through the snow to get at,

  • except when all that thawing

  • and refreezing means they can't.

  • And when the snow turns to ice,

  • what happens to the reindeer?

  • - We have to feed them.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - You know things are bad when your entire species

  • depends on a guy in a weird hat.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I mean, what if he oversleeps one day?

  • He'll be like, "Oh shit, my alarm didn't go off.

  • "Now I need to dig a mass reindeer grave."

  • (audience groans)

  • And this is a big problem, okay.

  • Because without reindeer, how is Santa going to get around?

  • He's gonna have to hitchhike around the world

  • trading rides for handjobs, okay.

  • (audience laughs)

  • At this point, I think we can all agree that the internet

  • is basically giving us all brain damage.

  • Social media is constantly bombarding us

  • with information we don't care about.

  • Like what my friend ate for breakfast.

  • And what my mom's watching on tv,

  • and where my wife had our baby.

  • (audience laughs)

  • The point is social media is destroying everything.

  • Just look at this guy who went viral

  • for the dumbest thing possible.

  • - [Reporter] Carson King thought he'd get a few laughs.

  • - Just kinda thought it was a joke.

  • - [Reporter] And maybe a few bucks

  • on ESPN's College Game Day with a sign asking for beer money

  • along with his actual Venmo account.

  • The money started pouring in.

  • - I had people from Texas, Idaho, California, Massachusetts.

  • - [Reporter] All told, King raised

  • more than a million bucks. (audience laughs)

  • - This guy got a million dollars for beer.

  • Are you kidding me?

  • All he did was hold up a sign.

  • This guy does it on TV and he's a hero.

  • But when I held up a sign demanding money,

  • all of a sudden I'm a bank robber and I took hostages,

  • which is like a federal offense.

  • And the fact that this even worked was stupid, Trevor.

  • But not as stupid as what he did with the money.

  • - [Reporter] He decided he'd donate all of it,

  • minus the cost of one case of beer,

  • to the University of Iowa children's hospital.

  • It overlooks the Hawkeyes' football field

  • where home games fans turn and wave to the kids.

  • Hearing the news, Venmo and Busch Beer

  • both vowed to match the growing funds.

  • - Wow, he gave all that money to a children's hospital.

  • What an incredible insult to all the hardworking Americans

  • who thought it was for beer. (audience laughs)

  • Yo, at least he bought like one case of beer.

  • Although now, there's just gonna be some kid

  • who's $12 short of a new kidney.

  • "Oh, sorry Timmy, we ran out of money.

  • "But we did put this empty can of Bud Light inside of you.

  • "Let's just see what happens."

  • If you think this story couldn't get any stupider,

  • remember on the internet, no good deed goes unpunished.

  • - [Reporter] The Des Moines Register profiled King

  • and the reporter dug up a couple of offensive, racist tweets

  • from when King was 16 and sharing jokes

  • from the Comedy Central Show, "Tosh.0".

  • - It was brought to my attention by a reporter

  • for the Des Moines Register.

  • And once he pointed it out,

  • and I was really upset with myself.

  • - Well, what a plot twist.

  • The guy who raised over $2 million for sick kids,

  • also tweeted offensive jokes 10 years ago.

  • So, is he a good person or is he a bad person?

  • I haven't been this confused about how to feel

  • since I got a boner from my great grandma's yearbook photo.

  • (audience laughs)

  • But at least there's a clear lesson here.

  • Never donate money that you get for beer

  • to a children's hospital, okay.

  • Because you only get famous if you donate the money.

  • If you keep the money, no one cares and you're rich.

  • And if you think this story doesn't get any stupider,

  • then you're as wrong as the feelings I have

  • for my great grandmother because get this,

  • after Reporter exposed this guy's old tweets,

  • the reporter himself got his own 15 minutes of shame.

  • - [Reporter] The Internet users angry about the paper

  • digging up old tweets, did some digging of their own,

  • this time on reporter Aaron Calvin.

  • And lo and behold, they uncovered derogatory tweets

  • about African Americans, gay people, and women.

  • The Des Moines Register then fired Calvin saying,

  • "We took appropriate action because there's nothing

  • "more important than having readers' trust."

  • (audience applauds)

  • - Well, that's right.

  • The reporter who found racist tweets

  • had even worse racists tweets.

  • Just a classic case of the pot

  • calling the kettle the N word.

  • Which is why I always say,

  • "Don't point fingers on the internet

  • "because the internet will finger you right back."

  • So there you have it.

  • The guy who raised the money is canceled.

  • The reporter is canceled.

  • I think the beer got canceled.

  • And everything continues to be stupid.

  • - Yes, but I think it is still a happy ending here Ronny,

  • because at least the sick kids are gonna get that money.

  • - Well, actually Trevor, I dug up some of these kids' tweets

  • and oh man! - Oh no, don't do it!

  • Ronny Chieng everybody!

  • (upbeat music)

- Some stories in the news help us understand

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2019年はバカだった|ザ・デイリーショー (2019 Was Stupid | The Daily Show)

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    Lynn Chou に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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