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Yesterday was a historic day
in America.
I finally tried kombucha. Yeah.
It's... okay.
But it was also an historic day
because the House held its first public impeachment hearing,
where the ambassador to Ukraine and the inventor of flubber
both testified about President Trump's quid pro quo
with the president of Ukraine.
And this testimony was a pretty big deal,
because for the first time, the American public heard
from nonpartisan officials
about how the president abused his powers for personal gain.
And even though millions of people have been talking
about these hearings, over on Fox News
their analysis of this impeachment is...
"Meh." (blows raspberry)
-There's no way that... -(chuckling)
normal, ordinary people, Middle America,
are gonna watch a passel of lawyers going at it
over the details of who said what to who--
-No. -some obscure official from a foreign country.
This is about a transcript of a phone call
with a country no one cares about.
You can't follow-- he said, she said,
she said, he said, he said.
I don't know what language "quid pro pro" is...
-It's Latin, okay? -Is it Latin?
It-It's Latin to everybody. People don't understand that.
No one can find Ukraine on a map.
If you ask the American people anything about Ukraine,
they don't know a thing about it.
-Wow! -(gasps, laughter)
So what, according to Fox News, Americans are too dumb
to follow these impeachment proceedings?
"The word 'impeachment' is very confusing.
"Maybe we should call it a 'presidential boo-boo.'
Would that help?"
You know what's... what's funny is how...
when it was Hillary's scandal, Fox News was like,
"Now, as we all know, Banghazi isn't just home
"to Libya's signature dish, bazin,
"it's also a hotbed of support for Ansar al-Shar... Sharia,
"especially around Tahrir Square.
This is a big thing in Libya..."
But then, when it's a Donald Trump scandal,
all of a sudden they're like, "What's a Ukraine?
-(laughter) -"Ukraine? Do Ukraine?
"Do I-kraine?
"Frasier Crane?
-(cheering, applause) -The bird crane?"
Because look, even if people don't understand
every aspect about the Ukraine scandal, that doesn't mean
that they can't still grasp its importance.
Like, I don't know what a second cousin once removed is.
(laughter)
What I do know is I'm not supposed to marry them.
(laughter)
I'm sorry, Sheila, I know it would make Grandma happy,
-but it just can't happen. -(laughter)
And Fox News is coming up with all kinds of ways
to convince people that even if you do have
a PhD in Ukraine-iology,
these hearings still just aren't worth watching.
In fact, sometimes if you watch Fox,
like, it looks like they're straight-up trying
to hypnotize their viewers into not caring.
This has nothing to do with national security.
(chuckles): It's all just an illusion.
The whole thing is a charade.
First know this-- it isn't important.
Everything you're gonna see in the next two weeks is rigged.
This is a phony show trial.
There is zero due process. None.
We don't want to overinflate its importance,
which is questionable.
This is stupid.
A week from now, you won't remember the details.
-Look deep into my eyes. -(laughter)
A week from now you will remember none of the details.
And when I snap my fingers, you'll wake up and think
racism only happens to white people.
Three, two, one.
Snap!
Like, what is that?
You know it's crazy that after the first day--
the first day-- of the impeachment hearings,
Fox has already written off the entire process.
Which clearly shows you
they have no intention of being objective at all.
They sound less like journalists and more like mean girls
trying to sabotage someone's sweet 16.
Just like, "I've heard nobody's going.
"It's gonna be, like, a stupid party,
"and Ashley's dad is gonna be the deejay.
Oh, my God."
-I mean, like... -(cheers and applause)
It's the same.
I don't know... I don't know if Donald Trump
is gonna be found guilty or not,
but you've got to at least watch the full proceedings
before you make a determination.
Otherwise, you don't have the full story.
You know, like, if you only watched the first half
of Get Out, you'd just think it was a beautiful movie
about an interracial couple.
Yeah, it would be like, "Her family's kind of weird
but every family's kind of weird.”
But if calling their viewers dumb
or using mind control doesn't work,
Fox has come up with another reason
to ignore the impeachment hearings,
and that is it's just not binge-worthy TV.
There is not a single person
outside the Washington, D.C. Beltway,
that gives a damn about what happened today.
-It's boring. -It was a total snooze fest.
It was kind of boring to watch on television.
It was really just a huge dud.
There wasn't anything sexy about it.
There was not some big new piece
of information that came out.
With, uh, Richard Nixon, there was a break-in.
With, um, uh, Bill Clinton,
-there was sex in the Oval Office. -Yeah. Yeah.
With Trump, it's a phone call to Ukraine.
There's no burglary. There's no break-in.
There's no tapes. There's no dress. There's no sex.
It's not a sexy scandal.
Russia was sexy.
This has no intrigue whatsoever.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're saying Trump's impeachment
is boring and unsexy?
You know, if Trump hears that it's gonna piss him off, right?
He's gonna come out like,
(mimics Trump): "My impeachment will be the most exciting ever.
"I'll break into a hotel.
"And best believe, I'll jizz all over this dress.
"Don't make me do it.
"Don't make me do it.
"I'll do it.
(cheers and applause)
"Just make sure you wash it afterwards.
"I can't risk making another Eric.
Don't want to take a chance."
(normal voice): Here's the thing, people:
These hearings are investigating
whether the president of the United States
committed high crimes or misdemeanors.
So they're supposed to be serious, not about excitement.
You know, impeachment is like a family reunion:
if it's sexy, something has gone horribly wrong.
Sheila, please, don't make things weird at the barbecue.
I'm begging you. Please.
Now, look, here at The Daily Show,
we want to help Fox viewers
get into the impeachment spirit
because this is a really important time in America.
So if they can't pay attention to the scandal unless it's sexy,
well, then, you know what?
We'll make it sexy.
(doorbell rings)
Did somebody order some... military aid?
I was getting so desperate for your missile.
I'm gonna need some dirt on Joe Biden first.
♪ ♪
(woman sighs)
♪ ♪
Put that quid in my quo.
Oh, I'll put the quid in your quo.
♪ ♪
I'm gonna blow that whistle.
-Oh, yeah. -(whistle blowing)
Give me that dirt on Joe Biden.
Yeah, dirt on Joe Biden.
I'm gonna quid!
NARRATOR: Oh, yeah.
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Fox News on Impeachment Hearings: Where’s the Sex? | The Daily Show

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林宜悉 2019 年 11 月 18 日 に公開

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