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  • Yesterday was a historic day

  • in America.

  • I finally tried kombucha. Yeah.

  • It's... okay.

  • But it was also an historic day

  • because the House held its first public impeachment hearing,

  • where the ambassador to Ukraine and the inventor of flubber

  • both testified about President Trump's quid pro quo

  • with the president of Ukraine.

  • And this testimony was a pretty big deal,

  • because for the first time, the American public heard

  • from nonpartisan officials

  • about how the president abused his powers for personal gain.

  • And even though millions of people have been talking

  • about these hearings, over on Fox News

  • their analysis of this impeachment is...

  • "Meh." (blows raspberry)

  • -There's no way that... -(chuckling)

  • normal, ordinary people, Middle America,

  • are gonna watch a passel of lawyers going at it

  • over the details of who said what to who--

  • -No. -some obscure official from a foreign country.

  • This is about a transcript of a phone call

  • with a country no one cares about.

  • You can't follow-- he said, she said,

  • she said, he said, he said.

  • I don't know what language "quid pro pro" is...

  • -It's Latin, okay? -Is it Latin?

  • It-It's Latin to everybody. People don't understand that.

  • No one can find Ukraine on a map.

  • If you ask the American people anything about Ukraine,

  • they don't know a thing about it.

  • -Wow! -(gasps, laughter)

  • So what, according to Fox News, Americans are too dumb

  • to follow these impeachment proceedings?

  • "The word 'impeachment' is very confusing.

  • "Maybe we should call it a 'presidential boo-boo.'

  • Would that help?"

  • You know what's... what's funny is how...

  • when it was Hillary's scandal, Fox News was like,

  • "Now, as we all know, Banghazi isn't just home

  • "to Libya's signature dish, bazin,

  • "it's also a hotbed of support for Ansar al-Shar... Sharia,

  • "especially around Tahrir Square.

  • This is a big thing in Libya..."

  • But then, when it's a Donald Trump scandal,

  • all of a sudden they're like, "What's a Ukraine?

  • -(laughter) -"Ukraine? Do Ukraine?

  • "Do I-kraine?

  • "Frasier Crane?

  • -(cheering, applause) -The bird crane?"

  • Because look, even if people don't understand

  • every aspect about the Ukraine scandal, that doesn't mean

  • that they can't still grasp its importance.

  • Like, I don't know what a second cousin once removed is.

  • (laughter)

  • What I do know is I'm not supposed to marry them.

  • (laughter)

  • I'm sorry, Sheila, I know it would make Grandma happy,

  • -but it just can't happen. -(laughter)

  • And Fox News is coming up with all kinds of ways

  • to convince people that even if you do have

  • a PhD in Ukraine-iology,

  • these hearings still just aren't worth watching.

  • In fact, sometimes if you watch Fox,

  • like, it looks like they're straight-up trying

  • to hypnotize their viewers into not caring.

  • This has nothing to do with national security.

  • (chuckles): It's all just an illusion.

  • The whole thing is a charade.

  • First know this-- it isn't important.

  • Everything you're gonna see in the next two weeks is rigged.

  • This is a phony show trial.

  • There is zero due process. None.

  • We don't want to overinflate its importance,

  • which is questionable.

  • This is stupid.

  • A week from now, you won't remember the details.

  • -Look deep into my eyes. -(laughter)

  • A week from now you will remember none of the details.

  • And when I snap my fingers, you'll wake up and think

  • racism only happens to white people.

  • Three, two, one.

  • Snap!

  • Like, what is that?

  • You know it's crazy that after the first day--

  • the first day-- of the impeachment hearings,

  • Fox has already written off the entire process.

  • Which clearly shows you

  • they have no intention of being objective at all.

  • They sound less like journalists and more like mean girls

  • trying to sabotage someone's sweet 16.

  • Just like, "I've heard nobody's going.

  • "It's gonna be, like, a stupid party,

  • "and Ashley's dad is gonna be the deejay.

  • Oh, my God."

  • -I mean, like... -(cheers and applause)

  • It's the same.

  • I don't know... I don't know if Donald Trump

  • is gonna be found guilty or not,

  • but you've got to at least watch the full proceedings

  • before you make a determination.

  • Otherwise, you don't have the full story.

  • You know, like, if you only watched the first half

  • of Get Out, you'd just think it was a beautiful movie

  • about an interracial couple.

  • Yeah, it would be like, "Her family's kind of weird

  • but every family's kind of weird.”

  • But if calling their viewers dumb

  • or using mind control doesn't work,

  • Fox has come up with another reason

  • to ignore the impeachment hearings,

  • and that is it's just not binge-worthy TV.

  • There is not a single person

  • outside the Washington, D.C. Beltway,

  • that gives a damn about what happened today.

  • -It's boring. -It was a total snooze fest.

  • It was kind of boring to watch on television.

  • It was really just a huge dud.

  • There wasn't anything sexy about it.

  • There was not some big new piece

  • of information that came out.

  • With, uh, Richard Nixon, there was a break-in.

  • With, um, uh, Bill Clinton,

  • -there was sex in the Oval Office. -Yeah. Yeah.

  • With Trump, it's a phone call to Ukraine.

  • There's no burglary. There's no break-in.

  • There's no tapes. There's no dress. There's no sex.

  • It's not a sexy scandal.

  • Russia was sexy.

  • This has no intrigue whatsoever.

  • Whoa, whoa, whoa.

  • You're saying Trump's impeachment

  • is boring and unsexy?

  • You know, if Trump hears that it's gonna piss him off, right?

  • He's gonna come out like,

  • (mimics Trump): "My impeachment will be the most exciting ever.

  • "I'll break into a hotel.

  • "And best believe, I'll jizz all over this dress.

  • "Don't make me do it.

  • "Don't make me do it.

  • "I'll do it.

  • (cheers and applause)

  • "Just make sure you wash it afterwards.

  • "I can't risk making another Eric.

  • Don't want to take a chance."

  • (normal voice): Here's the thing, people:

  • These hearings are investigating

  • whether the president of the United States

  • committed high crimes or misdemeanors.

  • So they're supposed to be serious, not about excitement.

  • You know, impeachment is like a family reunion:

  • if it's sexy, something has gone horribly wrong.

  • Sheila, please, don't make things weird at the barbecue.

  • I'm begging you. Please.

  • Now, look, here at The Daily Show,

  • we want to help Fox viewers

  • get into the impeachment spirit

  • because this is a really important time in America.

  • So if they can't pay attention to the scandal unless it's sexy,

  • well, then, you know what?

  • We'll make it sexy.

  • (doorbell rings)

  • Did somebody order some... military aid?

  • I was getting so desperate for your missile.

  • I'm gonna need some dirt on Joe Biden first.

  • ♪ ♪

  • (woman sighs)

  • ♪ ♪

  • Put that quid in my quo.

  • Oh, I'll put the quid in your quo.

  • ♪ ♪

  • I'm gonna blow that whistle.

  • -Oh, yeah. -(whistle blowing)

  • Give me that dirt on Joe Biden.

  • Yeah, dirt on Joe Biden.

  • I'm gonna quid!

  • NARRATOR: Oh, yeah.

Yesterday was a historic day

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弾劾公聴会のフォックスニュース。セックスはどこにある?| 予告編|ザ・デイリーショー (Fox News on Impeachment Hearings: Where’s the Sex? | The Daily Show)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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