Darling, do you think you did the right thing

by joining that Zen-Yogi society?

Obviously.

Nothing more important than physical culture.

True.

Ever see anything more restful on the feet?

No, I can't say that I have.

Does your head feel good, dear?

Darling, you can't have everything.

That's true. I never thought of that.

I wish you'd get Uncle Fester to join up.

He wouldn't even listen.

Something's come over him lately.

He's been acting sly, secretive.

Dear Uncle Fester.

He just improves with age.

Oh.

How do you like this?

Oh, yes.

But I'm not sure about the neck.

Oh?

Too low?

Too wide.

For Cousin Eustace?

I take it back.

(GROWLING)

Ah, 2:00. The afternoon paper should be in.

I'll get it. Alley-oop! Oop!

Don't be long.

I won't.

I'll wait for you in the conservatory.

Morticia.

Time has stood still for you, angelito mio.

You look even lovelier than the day I first laid eyes on you.

Bubele.

That word. I'd better go.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Lurch, did you pick up the paper?

No, sir.

Someone's been stealing it the past

four or five days. Any idea who it is?

Fine loyalty.

(THING KNOCKING)

(TAPPING IN MORSE CODE)

Uncle Fester.

Thank you, Thing.

If it weren't for you, this place would be a madhouse.

Is mother's baby hungry, hmm?

(SLURPING)

(SLURPING)

(GULPS) Yeah.

There.

(CHIRRUPING)

Morticia.

Oh, Gomez.

The most touching thing has happened.

Your carnivorous plant put its tentacle around you again.

Tish, I think you've been feeding them altogether too much hamburger.

No, no, no, sweetheart.

It's the trailing arbutus and the creeping midnight crawler.

They're embracing.

Isn't that sweet?

They fell in love and intertwined.

But the creeper went to the left

and the arbutus went to the right

and they choked each other.

What a way to go.

Morticia, I must tell you, Uncle Fester is not himself.

Oh, is that bad?

Maybe not.

But he has been interfering with the children's upbringing lately.

Against my express wishes he promised little Pugsley a Gila monster.

Darling, it's healthy for children to have pets.

Gila monsters?

Why not?

They're so expensive.

Dear Uncle Fester. Generous to a fault.

(WEDNESDAY WHOOPING)

WEDNESDAY: Mommy, Daddy, come look, come look.

Look what Uncle Fester got me.

He had it made especially for me.

A black widow spider village.

Isn't that lovely?

Just like a society of small humans.

Yeah, they do nothing but fight.

That's life.

But is this anything for our child?

Of course not.

She already has many more spiders than she'll ever need.

Have fun, dear.

Still think we should talk to Uncle Fester.

Maybe, but gently.

The last time we scolded him,

he went into his closet and didn't come out for weeks.

It was an act, my dear. He loves his closet.

Interesting, yes.

Very interesting.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Was that you talking to yourself, Uncle Fester?

You've been doing that quite a bit lately.

Well, only when I'm alone.

Uncle Fester...

I, I know what you're going to say.

I've been spoiling the children.

I guess I like to feel wanted.

But you are wanted.

And needed.

Needed?

You wouldn't even let me fix that leak in the roof.

And my finger fit it perfectly.

Uncle Fester, I told you, that's my favorite leak.

And what about you?

There was a time you'd never think of

using your electric shaver without connecting it to me.

Well, Gomez felt you've been a bit run-down lately.

Run-down?

(BUZZING)

And I can still make it blink, too.

(BUZZING)

You call that run-down?

Well, the truth is, Uncle Fester,

uh, my new shaver is AC and you're DC.

Excuses, excuses.

I'm sorry.

Well, you don't have to be.

I've been scanning the lonely hearts column.

You haven't.

You sly old fox, you.

Well, under the circumstances, I, I thought I'd take a bride.

Uncle Fester, you just can't take one.

You're supposed to find your own.

It's the sporting way, old boy.

You'll be fighting the women off with clubs.

Clubs?

Yeah.

I think I'd like that.

Well, I better get on with the letter.

Oh, Gomez.

This morning when I woke up and the sky was all dark and cloudy,

I knew right then and there that this was going to be a lovely day.

But I can truthfully say I have never let breeding, social position,

or looks go to my head.

And I'm looking forward to meeting someone of the opposite sex

with these same qualities.

Signed, Modesty.

Got it?

Excellent.

You have a very delicate handwriting.

Thank you, Thing.

Uncle Fester, we have a surprise for you.

A surprise? For me? I know I'm gonna cry.

Close your eyes.

All right, Gomez.

I just know I'm gonna cry.

You can open them now.

Oh.

We saved it from our wedding.

It's beautiful.

And you made such a handsome couple.

I do hope my bride will be worthy of all this.

I better mail this...

Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?

I believe so.

How about that nice one the city took?

The time you fell asleep on the park bench

and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

Oh, no, no, no. I was thin then and I had hair.

I do look better now, don't I?

Much.

I'll have a new one taken.

Yes.

But it's imperative that it show your character,

your strength, your nobility.

We'll have it touched up.

That won't be necessary.

I'll take the picture.

Ready?

No, no, Uncle Fester. You're smiling.

Oh, pardon me.

Just show the natural Addams charm.

Gotcha.

Much better.

Much. Now, now for the character.

Beautiful.

Now let's see that strength.

Magnificent.

Now the piece de resistance, your nobility.

Breathtaking.

Oh, hurry, Gomez, get it before he loses it.

All right.

Hold it, hold it now. Hold it! Ready?

Perfect!

I wonder what Uncle Fester's bride will be like.

He once went with a girl who looked like a walrus.

Darling, beauty isn't everything.

You're right.

He's talking about moving after the wedding.

He's found a home in a nice condemned section.

I wonder what their children will be like.

Doesn't matter about the boys,

but I hope the girls look like Uncle Fester.

I do wish Grandpa Squint and Aunt Vendetta were still alive.

They'd get such a thrill out of the wedding.

Darling, they are alive.

They are? They don't look it.

I'd better check.

You'd better.

How do you like it?

Like what, old boy?

Can't you tell?

Ah, a new collar.

Certainly not.

How can you improve on genuine matched gopher?

You're parting your hair just...

No, that can't be it.

Come on, take a real close look.

I've got it. You've had your head waxed.

Yes.

Oh, you men.

You're much fussier than women.

It's hard coat. Won't crack, scuff or stain.

It's very becoming.

I thought you'd like it.

Oh, has the mail come in yet?

Now, now, control yourself, old boy.

You know the mail doesn't come along until later.

I just can't help it.

I'm a lovelorn swain wandering around in a lovely black cloud.

Oh darling, you can't expect an answer to your letter yet.

You only mailed it yesterday.

Oh, you never know.

There may be someone out there as eager as I am.

Dear Uncle Fester.

I haven't seen him this happy since he blew up the guesthouse.

Mother, Mother.

(BRUNO GROWLING)

Oh, hush, Bruno.

You've been so grumpy lately.

I wish you wouldn't shout so.

Your father's trying to take a nap.

Oh, that's all right, I just can't seem to sleep anyway.

Guess I'm excited about Uncle Fester's wedding.

I wanted to show you the present I have for him.

You like it?

But, darling, I don't see anything.

You're not supposed to.

Uncle Fester says it's the thought that counts.

I'm thinking of a nice friendly cobra.

Isn't that clever?

If we put our minds to it, we can save a fortune.

(THING KNOCKING)

Yes, Thing?

Why, thank you. For Uncle Fester?

What is it?

Come on, now. You can tell me.

I won't tell anyone.

(TAPPING IN MORSE CODE)

A shrunken head.

Just what he wanted.

I do hope your brother Pugsley

hasn't forgotten his dear uncle.

He is going to buy something.

He's upstairs getting the money out of his piggybank now.

Oh?

(CLATTERING)

Phew!

(ALARM SOUNDING)

The mail's in.

Uncle Fester, you must give it time.

It's only been one day.

I was sure I'd get an immediate response.

I gave a very full description of myself.

Patience.

Your Miss Right will come along.

Hello.

Well, hello there. Is your mother home?

Are you from the Health Department?

Why?

The neighbors complained about Aristotle getting loose.