because I'm big stupid idiot.

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For every episode of breaking news that's here,

there's another episode only available on Dropout TV.

Until next time I'm Grant O'Brian,

which is Irish for Grant Of Brian.

(laughing)

- [Producer] From West Hollywood California,

the only news team that doesn't know

what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

This is, Breaking News.

- Turns out it wasn't a dog after all

- Oh really?

- I know I don't know what it is.

- Bet it got locked in the bathroom

- Good evening and Welcome to Breaking News.

The show where we don't know what we're about to say

and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

I'm Gillian Goldensocks.

- And I'm Bethany Trash.

(laughs)

A new climbing gym has opened here in town,

and the city's soft weak hipsters are cheering.

- [Gillian] Climbing gyms are all the rage in

neighborhoods that have a Sweetgreen.

They answer the question,

"What if crossfit was somehow more unsafe and more douchey?"

- Members at Downtown Boulders can climb walls

up to 25 feet tall, instead of going outside ever.

Why would anyone climb free, real, rocks

when they could climb wooden ones

for $175 a month.

- [Gillian] Make no mistake, climbing is bad exercise.

It works like three muscles and it moves really slowly.

That guy from that movie Free Solo?

Alex Honnold? I bet most people could kick his a**.

- Downtown Boulders is a part of the mayor's new

River walk Initiative, which brings

new businesses to the ugly river of our lame city.

(giggles)

You see the same thing in other second rate towns

like Cincinnati, Austin and San Diego.

- The Riverwalk will have a Bucca Di Beppo

to stink up the whole place with garlic,

and a dueling piano bar called the

The Big Bang for anyone who loves Billy Joel music,

but wishes he told more d*** jokes.

- [Bethany] There will also be Giggles,

an improve comedy theater.

For anyone who hasn't seen live improve, it's a must.

It's a whole

(laughs)

It's a whole show of nervous 30 year olds

trying desperately to out joke each other.

And everyone is so, so doughy.

- You know I used to do comedy.

- Oh yeah? Tell me a joke.

- Well have you ever seen the one about

a banana that goes outside into a

green, green, green, field?

- Have I seen that joke?

- It's a video.

- [Bethany] Oh.

- Have you seen it?

- No.

- It's really funny.

- Yeah, sounds funny.

(laughs)

- We now go to Mavis Martin, who met with

the winner of the Finn Wolfhard

Elementary School Science Fair.

- Thanks Bethany, I had quite a morning talking

to these little geniuses.

- I'll bet Mavis, who won?

- It was a little boy named Micheal Doonsbury.

He designed an experiment with a potato gun about gravity.

I don't remember much about it because I was distracted.

He's one of those little boys who you just know is gonna

be gay. - Oh.

- [Mavis] It was adorable, you know the type.

He's 8 and I thought he was going to

dislocate a hip from swishing so hard.

- Cute!

- [Mavis] He kept doing that thing where he delicately pulls

his bangs over the side with his ring finger.

He was kind of doing duck face the whole time.

- [Gillian] Terrific, did you meet any other children?

- Well I met his friends, they were of course, all girls.

- Naturally.

- [Mavis] I feel bad for them because they're all

going to be in love with him, until he comes out.

- Oh yes, they like that he's non-threatening

and they don't know why.

- Exactly, big BTS posters on all of their walls,

I just know it.

They'll all be on the lighting crew

of the high school play together.

- Mavis, did he ever explain how gravity works?

- Not really, honestly I don't know how it works,

do you? - No I don't.

Bethany do you know how gravity works?

- I know the basics, but the specifics allude me.

- Me too. We're going to go oh- (laughs)

We're going to go to reporter Susan Pershing

for information on a man hunt underway downtown.

Susan, are you with us?

- I am Gillian.

- Susan rather than tell us about the man hunt,

can you explain in detail, how gravity works?

- Certainly, so gravity is a force that operates at

negative .8 meters per second squared and it is what keeps

us grounded into the earth.

It is basically a mysterious kind of thick mist

- [Susan] that we all walk through everyday and kind of

gradually as we age, it tapes us further, further

down into the earth, so the older you are,

the less likely you are to fly away.

- Oh, hmm, well that's interesting.

Say more about that.

- Oh and I will

(laughs)

- [Susan] So you know how I mentioned its like a thick mist,

scratch that, its like the biggest blanket you've ever seen.

Picture a blanket, now double it.

That's what I'm talking about, so thick you can

barely move through it.

Imagine walking through a big bowl of fudge,

you can barely move right?

That's what gravity is doing to you.

The only people who say they've really experienced

what its like to feel free, have been in outer space,

and usually died.

- Is acceleration connected to or independent of gravity?

- Hmm, what wonderful question.

- [Susan] I think its independent of gravity but

f*** if I know, you know what I mean?

- [Susan] If I had to guess, I would say that

acceleration is sort of like when you're traveling

through that same blanket, or fudge that we were talking

about, really fast.

So that would be the difference.

Traveling really fast, versus traveling really slow.

- Why is that?

- Well you see the (laughs)

- [Susan] You see, wow you're curious today,

(laughs)

you see when acceleration--

- The kid didn't answer me so we'll need to hear from you.

- [Susan] Oh interesting all right okay.

So I do remember from what, whatever I'm reporting on,

which is a crime, right?

- [Susan] But acceleration is what velocity over

time or something?

And that's what's interesting about it because,

other than that, no one really knows,

aside from my fudge analogy and that little thing.

- That all sounds right to me.

- [Susan] Oh, good!

- That's all for us but before we go,

this weeks loser is Mary Holland.

What a shmuck.

- Hey thanks for watching.

(laughs)

- [Gillian] (laughs) thanks for watching.

- Just giving up.

(laughs)

- [Producer] Breaking news, this just in.

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